Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

Also, nobody has really addressed this yet - you will NOT be an old spinster with a cat. You'll find someone who deserves to be with you. We're all made to feel like we're not going to be attractive after 21, or 30, or 35, or 40, or whatever age it might be - but that's just bullshit. Don't waste your time on this guy - it'll end much more painfully much later in your life if you prolong it. I really really wouldn't say this if I didn't think he sounded like terrible news.

I knew his attitude was a problem and thought/hoped others would agree with me and suggest possible solutions. But I wasn't expecting everyone to tell me to run for the hills, or that he is abusive.

I really do have a lot of thinking to do. It's meant to be my weekend at his place but now I'm not sure I should be going now.

Is his attitude really that bad? (Guess I know the answer.)

yes, his attitude is actually scary OP. please listen to the posters that have experience of this, tehy aren't making up advice for fun. tehy are giving you teh benefit of their experience. this means they have been in a relationship like you describe and they know exactly what his behaviour is leading to. please believe them.

end it now before you get to a point where he has made you feel you cant.

He cried and begged you to admit you'd been wrong?

THis isn't love, it's obsession. Running for the hills is the only way to solve this one, I'm afraid.

And there are some character traits that are deal breakers. Once you 'admit' you were wrong (to be clear, I don't think you are in the wrong at all) he might start to want apologies and use it as a stick to beat you with.

I would be very wary of someone like that. He really does sound quite controlling.

Yes, sorry - he might appear totally normal in many ways but this is just poison for a relationship.

Basically, at a wild guess, he has a complex about women. For some reason it really, really upsets him to think you once belonged however briefly to someone else. This sort of complex becomes worse the longer you are with him. He will never rest till he has uncovered every detail of every man you have ever known.

The chap I was with, for a very short time, was the youngest of five. He couldn't stand the thought that his mother had him by accident, and that his elder siblings 'had her first'. It went VERY deep indeed and he could never have seen it himself.
But he had to know everything about everyone i had ever slept with, and would storm out of my house when I mentioned any of their names. He would sit in a sulk instantly then storm out slamming the door, shouting at me.

I once mentioned a man I had known, not slept with, who took some photos of me. He was appalled, very angry, then when I mentioned he was a black man (can't remember how that was even relevant) he absolutely blew the roof.

I spent all the time walking on eggshells and this was about 2 months into our relationship. He was a professional man with a good job, house, money. He was friendly and seemed normal. he had many friends.

However he saved his inner demons for the person closest to him, which happened to be me.

I left him after that incident. It took some courage but I was so relieved when I knew I was safe again...that tok a few months to come, though, as I kept walking on eggshells even after he had gone - doube locking doors, jumping when the phone rang etc. I had tof end off his calls quite a bit.

He's telling you how to feel! No, worse - he's demanding that you feel regretful, ashamed, sorry - and punishing you for (quite rightly) feeling okay about yourself.

It's impossible. He doesn't accept your individuality. He thinks he loves you, but actually he loves a sort of cardboard template in his head, which you happen to fit somewhat. Thank your stars you're not a virgin, or this freakish tendency might have remained hidden until later.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Set yourself free to find someone who can love a real-life woman. I know it's hard after two years (and I bet he'll go all suicidal when you dump him) but, honestly, there's more to life than a partner who wants you to not be who you are.

Freaky insecure little dickhead.

Number of sexual partners - irrelevant to someone with a healthy attitude to relationships.

Been there, done that. In the end he'll make you feel that you are a bad person. I was with someone just like this; he wanted to know everything from my past; even if I'd masturbated as a young girl. I wasn't comfortable delving into my past with him but if I refused he would get really angry, and push and push and push. It became a kind of confessional box situation, where I was supposed to 'confess' to him, and he would 'absolve' me of my 'sins', (a kind of saviour if you like) even though he actually didn't forgive me at all. I started to feel guilty about myself. We split up for eight months, and I got into a relationship with someone else, and when we got back together he made me feel like a complete slut for sleeping with someone else even though he had finished it in the first place. He was adamant that I had cheated, despite the fact that we had been apart for 8 months. According to him I should have been pining for him (he was serious)
Really deafening alarm bells are ringing for me about your situation. You're worth so much more.

This is it, HWL - even if you tell him EVERYthing, he will still not feel satisfied because his issues aren't even about you. They are so deep within him he's unable easily to change even if he does become aware of what he's doing one day.

Please don't make this man your problem. Let him be someone else's, you have an escape route now, you're not living together.

One more step closer to him and it'll be so much harder to get out.

Walk away proud and relieved. He will soon drop off like the proverbial leech once he realises you aren't going to comply or be bullied. He has no right to know anything about you, and you don't have to tell him, be with him, even speak to him if you don't feel like it.

There's nothing to tie you to him at this stage. You need to look at it from this perspective and make your escape while you still can.

Dump him!

Btw OP, your instincts are clearly very good. They are looking out for you. Listen to them.

happy i was separated from EXP for 3 years and had 5 sexual partners in that time, two of tehm relationships and 3 just one night stands. exp had several relationships and ALOT of one night stands, yest it was my sexual history that was questioned and thrown back at me. exp only knew who one of them was and used to throw his name back at me whenever there was a row about it.

Oh dear. It isn't looking good.

I suspect my attitude to men and how I think relationships should be has been seriously jaded by my own parents' relationship. That would be a whole other thread! But the legacy is that I find it difficult to respect men and often suspect their motives. The fact my DP loves me so much when others haven't been that bothered is probably why I have let this go on so long.

I'm an awkward bugger, so won't be bullied into admitting I was 'wrong' but it has left me feeling very upst at times.

He has a couple of medical problems at the moment, so would feel like a cow to end it right now. Do I owe it to him to wait around until they are resolved?

And that old cliche - I do love him, and he is a nice, if very intense, bloke most of the time.

Very unfair for you and very unhealthy and immature of him.

Who does he think he is? You are not answerable to him for things you did before you even knew he existed.

No one should ever make you apologise for who you are.

No, you don't - really, you don't. Be civil, be lovely, you sound lovely and clever and sensible! But be very firm. Say you want no acrimonious discussions, no arguing, no falling out (i doubt he will take it that easily though!) but that you feel rather overwhelmed by the relationship, or you have too much work to do and can't concentrate on him at the moment, anything really, just keep it all about you, or you and him maybe not being perfect for each other.

Don't get drawn into justification and don't criticise. These things are for you to know and him to wonder about. It's not your problem,

He's a grown up and will cope just fine. Men like this often ply you with great devotion as a way to make sure you are completely 'theirs', before they reveal their possessive motivation.

Good luck...we're here if you need us.! You'll be fine. And start that other thread

To add, he is behaving like you owe him something - you shoud be equals, you're not his mum, he's not a kid.

He;s just acting like one.

Also, you could try easing out of it slowly if it feels better that way - just make excuse after excuse till he gets the drift.

It's up to you. But know in your head and one you have the wall up inside your head, nothing can stop you getting free. His pleas will be like water off a duck's back.

know in your head, and once you have the wall

sorry

willowwool - I wouldn't want to comment on whether your relationship is doomed or not (I'm always a uselesss judge in these situations), but what I will comment on is your questtion of "He has a couple of medical problems at the moment, so would feel like a cow to end it right now. Do I owe it to him to wait around until they are resolved?"

Please, please, decide whether you are in or out and the act on it immediately. Do not put it off for his sake or you will never leave. You owe it to yourself to act for your own happiness, not his.

Good luck.

The impasse with this situation is that there's absolutely no way of going back in time and living your life the way he would have preferred you too have done, so even if you apologised 10 times a day for the rest of your life, the only way forward would be for him to get the fuck over it and start living in the world of grown-ups.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like that's going to happen.

something makes me think this man would not'get the drift' FA, although i know what you are saying. but from what i know of men like this he will jsut up teh ante of sympathy pleas and play on his conditions even more to guilt OP into staying.

i think OP, you need to decide what you are doing and go with it now. eitehr definitly end it or definitely stay, don't send vague messages of disinterest to hope it will fade out.

"There was one phone call where he was crying and begging me to admit I'd been wrong. I just couldn't".

Seriously? This is warped behaviour from an adult.

You keep saying that he loves you but I suspect that he is acting with you as he has acted with every one of his women because this is the only way he knows how to relate. He is giving you something you have been missing but the price that you pay for this is massive. Short term gain for long term loss.

Fair enough - it has worked for me a few times though, however I was very convinced in my own determination for it to finish so nothing they said would change my mind.

Good luck OP whatever you decide to do.