Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he goes on like that?

What is his problem with your number? Does he worry that he's not enough to satisfy you or something like that? Has he actually told you what the problem is?

agree, what's his problem? does he think you were/are a 'slut'; did he want to be the first and only sexual partner you had?; can he not cope that you have had sex with more partners than him ? There is no reason for you to feel ashamed - this was before you met your current partner and is NOTHING to do with him. If it is bothering him this much, then I would definitely not move in with him until you are sure its sorted out.

This is a very bad start.

Alarm bells ring for me

a) that he pressed you to tell him exactly how many people you've slept with before him
b) that he wants you to admit you did a bad/wrong thing (and will he demand an apology as the next thing?)
c) he can't let it lie
d) why does it mean so much to him?

Listen to yourself: he is angry with you for sleeping with other people. In the past. Before you knew him. It's nuts, isn't it? Are you angry with him for the number of cars he's owned, or the amount of money he has spent on himself in the past? It's random, weird and hints at a control freak. yuck.

There are better men around. Find one.

sorry i think you are unless he can accept your past.

you have nothing to feel guilty about but his implication that you do would make me want to move on from him.

Dump this man. He';s a fuck up with a madonna/whore complex and he doesnt really get the idea that women are autonymous human beings.
There is nothing wrong with having lots of sex with different people, but a man who thinks that women who do so are wrong is not a man any woman should be in a relationship with. He is setting himself up as your overseer and you will be expected to be grateful that he has condescended to 'save' you and act as your owner.

Thanks for all the comments.

My 'total' came up after a yearish together, we are now nearly at two years. I have a bit of a big mouth and mentioned, in passing, a number of exes (i.e 'yes I've been to X place as X lived there'). He started to add it up and then asked me outright. Truth be told I did knock about five off the total! So God knows what his reaction would have been to that number.

SGB a comment you (I think) made a while ago on another thread (I have been lurking for a while) struck a chord with me. It was along the lines of: people can have a fetish for anything, including love. I think that's what he has. He loves very deeply. If my past was just serious relationships, I don't think he would mind. It's sex without love he has a problem with. He is also very hard on himself about this - still beating himself up about the couple of times, years ago, he had sex outside of a 'proper' relationship.

To me sex in a relationship is great and probably the best but other sex can be good too. And I do have rules: I would not even consider sex with a married/taken man. And apart from teenage indiscretions, I don't cheat when I have a partner. It's not like I have ever been a strumpet walking the streets looking for men. But I was relatively attractive in my 20s and up for some fun.

You have all given me food for thought. I am glad you can all see why I'm concerned.

I totally agree with SGB. He has a Madonna/Whore complex. He can 'forgive' you if you admit you were wrong to sleep around, a decade before you even met him and when you were in your twenties

He is the one whose issues are dooming your relationship. You could be happy in a new relationship, you're not the one who hasn't worked out your past imo. You're ready for a normal happy healthy relationship by the sounds of it.

He isn't. Don't ever settle for this. I had children with a man who I knew deep down was a controlling misogynist. I am now tied to this fruitcake for the rest of my life.

run for the hills.

TheButterflyEffect says "The fact he was desparate to find out, and is now using it against you, would be ringing alarm bells." This is very true. I think that other things you mgiht have told him, such as that you have suffered from depression will in time be flung back in your face if you ever have a big disagreement. when you're not living together this is not such a problem, but if you move in with him and a difference of opinions can NOT be resolved, you may find that confessions are thrown back in your face. eg, well you have been sacked 3 times so that proves you're a bad employee.. or you never finished that course did you, you have no staying power you are a quitter. These are just examples, but you may find with a man like this that things are being stored, and he may not mean to do this, or be planning it now, but things that make him like you now, because you are vulnerable in his eyes, will be proof that you deserved to be devalued in the future.

You probably think I'm being overly dramatic. I know I thought I was being dramatic when I deliberately put my hands over my ears to drown out similar warning bells to the ones you're hearing now.

i think you need to tell him straight.

"i have had sex with X amount of people. i enjoyed it and i make no apologies for it. accept this and get over it or move on to someone who fits your criteria."

Doomed. End it now.

booyhoo I have said something along these lines to him a number of times. I've tried to reach out to him by adding that there are a few encounters I would have handled differently now I'm older and wiser. There was one phone call where he was crying and begging me to admit I'd been wrong. I just couldn't.

Everytime I think we've reached an understanding/truce it comes up again. [Last night it was a throw away comment I made in relation to some drama in my sister's love-life.]

VS I am definately guilty of trying to ignore the alarm bells. After being in a relationship with a man who didn't love me, my current DP's deep love for me means I am guilty of trying to overlook/explain his faults. I'll also admit that as I am getting on a bit, I rather see this as my last chance to have children.

he cried because you wouldn't admit you were wrong to have sex in the past??

get out now.

Oh Willow, get out of this relationship. This man is awful. He;s an emotionally blackmailing, inadequate whinyarse and I'll warn you now that you may actually need legal backup to get him to fuck off.
Crying and begging you to 'admit; you are a bad person? That;s horrible. It's a seriously manipulative and selfish thing to do.
I would have laughed at him and told him what a loser he was, but then I have had to slap down misogynistic tossers like this before.

SGB i think we should all have a copy of the SGB handbook for dealing with tossers.

Jesus, this is one to sack as soon as possible.

Can you safely end the relationship? Please do it before he is living with you. It will only get harder from here on it.

Please get out NOW. I've experience with someone who was like this, it was frankly horrifying and I was fortunate to get out when I did.

Very, VERY loud alarm bells. The man has issues and they will not go away, you will be abused if you don't leave immediately.

No, actually you're already being abused - sorry.

and when you DO sack him off, be prepared for the whiny phone calls 'But I loved you!'

Just keep calm, be very assertive and don't change the record. 'I'm sorry, I don't think we are right for one another, I hope you find someone else, but I am not going to try again/come back/ give us another chance.'

Don't falter because if you do it'll be twice as hard to get out next time, he won't believe you mean it next time.

Run like the bloody wind and don't look back! This is bad, bad news - seriously. Yes it's scary ending a longish term relationship when you're the wrong side of thirty, but please, please listen to the wise women - GET OUT NOW! This has the potential to go horribly, drastically wrong. You owe yourself better than this prat and you know it. Go on, what are you still hanging round here reading for ;)

Everybody is right. Even if he says he's 'got over' your (totally normal and none-of-his-business) behaviour, he sounds like the kind of guy who has totally weird and unrealistic expectations about sex and relationships - where will it end? I wouldn't be surprised if he started trying to make you feel slutty or abnormal for your sexual preferences, when you wear clothes he might think are provocative or revealing, or being jealous and controlling about the time you spend with other men. It's like he wants you totally 'pure'. Tell him to read Thomas Hardy and get over himself.