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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

286 replies

willowwool · 09/10/2010 10:50

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

OP posts:
Sariah · 09/10/2010 14:37

Are they in an open relationship? I would see that as normal. I would rather hope that my dh is intent on not having any other kind of sex other than what is on offer here, meaningless or otherwise.

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 14:41

sariah, I understand that you are trying to see the other viewpoint

however, there actually is no other viewpoint here

this lady's past is her own and not subject to anyone else's "acceptance" nor "forgiveness"

I see you are advocating trying to work on his issues together. That could never work while he won't admit that the problem is all his.

It appears he is compelled to keep raising the subject though OP says they have had several "failed starts" at putting it behind them.

The Op has a small worry that if she breaks this relationship up, she won't meet anyone else.

A very bad mindset. I would encourage her to leave now and cut ties immediately as I would bet my last red cent he will use his "health problems" to manipultae her emotionally.

Would you like to get to 40, OP, and still be having the same converstions. Except this guy is showing you he cannot and will not accept you, "warts'n'all". And once you move in together, get a couple of kids, he has you in a more vulnerable position to escalate his obvious need for control.

Very scary stuff.

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 14:43

btw, I don't consider anything you have said to be "warts", no way, no-how

Sariah · 09/10/2010 14:50

No I am speaking from my own experiencs and finding it hard to accept things that happened in my dhs past. I don't agree that the past is your own business as the past is what makes you and it is you and unless you have no baggage it will affect future relationships.

Sometimes it is easy for us to drop a loose comment knowing that it will provoke a reaction in our partner. I know I have done it. I know sometimes even dropping the name of a male colleague into a conversation can get a reaction from dh.

Again as we are only getting one side of the story I don't think people should be advising the op to leave her relationship based on their own experience which may have similarities but more than likely have more differences.

dittany · 09/10/2010 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheButterflyEffect · 09/10/2010 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sariah · 09/10/2010 15:11

I guess it would depend on how I mentioned it :)

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:13

Hi Willow,

I think mentioning your exes to him eg I have been here with so and so and he used to live here is making him feel insecure so I can understand why he does feel this way. If he really cares for you hes probably worried that he is going to get hurt. I dont think you should mention exes as it always brings up conflict in relationships. He maybe be worried that you will just dump him. If you have had a few men maybe thats what hes worried about. I think hes insecure and in love with you.

To be honest why would you say to him when you were out with him for the day oh Ive been here with my ex and bring up that he lived their etc?
Imagine it the other way around, nice day out then he brings up a ex, how would you feel? Maybe he feels your playing mind games with him.

Rachx

dittany · 09/10/2010 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodly · 09/10/2010 15:17

Looks like you've picked another emotional abuser.

It speaks very well of you that you have endured a year of this shit without starting to question whether you should be ashamed of yourself. Being blunt and unapologetic about who you are is not a bad quality if you are a decent, thoughtful person.

This man's obsession with your sexual past is not your problem to "work through" with him.

He's had a year to get the fuck over this. Can you really keep waiting for him?

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:20

Keep bringing up exes is not going to make it work though is it?

skidoodly · 09/10/2010 15:21

Just mentioned the crying down the phone to dh.

His reply "she should dump him immediately as he's clearly a total lunatic"

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 15:28

sariah, FWIW, I am not commenting from "my own experience"

because I would not tolerate this

my own DH has never asked about any of my previous relationships, nor how many I have slept with before him

I raised it early on myself, in a conversational kinda way, and he said "not my business, I don't want, nor need, to know"

Eurostar · 09/10/2010 15:30

to those talking about counselling - counselling wouldn't touch the sides with this guy's issues. If he has the ability to be self-reflective, psychotherapy might.

Katisha · 09/10/2010 15:33

Don't put up with this behaviour because you are frightened that he is your last chance saloon.
I think you would live to regret it.
He will use this to try to control you for evermore.

Re him having medical problems - I may be speaking out of turn, but I knew a controlling man who used his "medical problems" as part of his control mechanism. Things would come to a head in the relationship and then he would suddenly have some sort of medical (or other) crisis in an attempt to get his partner back where he wanted her.

Not saying this IS what he is doing, but just be aware...

FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 15:36

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but I am inclined to agree with TheButterflyEffect.

I think this is probably quite a bloke thing. There is insecurity in knowing that your partner is basically more capable of getting it that you are.

My previous partner had more notches on her bedpost than me and freely admitted it. Some of my friends told me they wouldn't be able to cope this this. I think many blokes think 'ok for a shag but not a relationship'. It's one of those male/female double standard things.

I don't think there is anything wrong with promiscuity for men or women provided people aren't getting hurt.

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:36

I think he does love Willow, not sure Willow loves him though.
Bringing up exes and throw away comments is going to hurt him.. Im not surprised hes feeling insecure, especially if he has a heart and can show tears.. I dont think he is a baby for crying its just hes in love.

Rx

Original poster
willowwool · 09/10/2010 15:37

Rachyandmeg I don't keep 'bringing up the exes'!

To illustrate, I'll explain what set him off last night. I was telling him the good news that my younger sister had finally got a bit smoochy with a man she has liked for months. She had remarked that it was 'sods law' that when it finally happened, out of the blue, she was in her work clothes, no make-up and horrid big knickers. When telling DP this story, I remarked (stupidly I now realise) a comment along the lines 'well, we've all been there' (i.e. the wrong pants/unshaved legs etc for a first encounter).

The above set DP off as it reminded him of my past, again, and so we went off into the cycle of anger/upset. This despite him admitting he has been a similiar 'bad pants' situation himself!

Am I expected to never made off-the-cuff remarks again? I absolutely don't keep going on about exes.

And can I add that one of his best friends is his ex (broke up over five years ago and were together for 10 years before that). Although I am not thrilled by this, I accept it.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 15:39

christ almighty, rach

you call that love ??

that kinda controlling, conditional obsession is not "love"

< head spins >

JiggeryPopery · 09/10/2010 15:42

I think grown ups can accept their partner has had previous partners and provided no comparisons are made in the boudoir or other clangingly obvious faux pas, you just take it as read and move on.

I find it very strange to be in your mmid 30s and still affected by your partner's past.

quiddity · 09/10/2010 15:43

Willowwool, your attitude to his ex is a reasonable one. You don't nag him/try to make him apologise for having been with her/stop him seeing her etc etc.
It shows exactly what's wrong with his attitude to your exes.
And his obsession with them isn't a sign of "deep love," sorry. This is about control.
Crying about it? Demanding that you admit you were wrong to have been involved with them? Mad. Scary.

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:48

Hi Scary,

I dont call bringing up exes is love no. Its bound to hurt anybody whether it be a man or a woman. Depends how deeply you feel for someone.

Why would you say we have all been there though Willow?, you know how he feels about exes and how upset he gets in a way I kind of feel you are really pushing his buttons. How would you feel if he made the same response to you and it was discussing his ex for example and he said we have all been there to you. That would hurt you.

R x

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 15:48

WW, when you have to start editing your perfectly natural conversations, in case you set off his "issues", it is time to call time

that is called walking on eggshells and very exhausting to have to watch everything you say

a red flag

JiggeryPopery · 09/10/2010 15:57

Rachel it was a casual remark. It wouldn't bother me if MrJP said it. He wouldn't care if I said it. WW wasn't discussing her ex, she was discussing her sister, it's hardly comparable.

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:59

Hi Quiddity,

I agree demanding that Willow admits she is wrong about her exes isnt right no. I believe that bit isnt right and it comes accross as controlling. I think he needs to work on his insecurity issues and behaviour but I dont think he is going to be helped by Willow throwing in comments about exes "Oh ive been here with ex and ex used to live here" and then "Oh we have all been there before ref big knickers". This isnt going to help him with his problems as he has got to a point where anything upsets him now. I dont know whether he used to be like this before meeting Willow though or wether hes not made to feel secure in the relationship. I cant say because I have not been there. My guess he has always had issues with low self esteen and insecuritys. I guess its about understanding his insecuritys if Willow wants to go down that route.

But with most men or women like Sariah said it would bring out anger or hurt bringing up exes. Thats if you do love the person you are with.

Rx