Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

Love is also about letting go. He doesn't seem able to let things go does he?
Therefore it ends up as control in the name of love.

How is bringing up an ex 'bound to hurt'? I know my DH has exes and he knows I have. We are friends with some of them. How could I possibly be offended by Dh saying "Oh I went there with XX once" if they were so great together they'd still be together. A healthy relationship takes no notice of the past, and certainly doesn't go over it with a fine tooth comb. "Pushing his buttons"? Hardly. He's emotionally controlling and jealous and has some idealised picture of her in his head.

I am good pals with my ex's wife.

I'm sure at times it strikes fear into his heart, but it was an amicable split and she has no problem with me.

It's not always about possesion and recrimination and hurt and pain.

Hi,

Well we all have different views and while I dont belive you should control your partner such as this guy, I also understand why he feels insecure. I understand that it could feel like you are walking on eggshells scared to bring up certain things but their is no need to bring up exes.
If you have had low self esteen or feel insecure then you would realise why bringing up exes would make you feel insecure and fear of losing that person. Many people get back with their exes, maybe one ended it then they might want to get back in the future. Things arent always in the past between exes. Sometimes feelings are still there. In my book its just a dont go there rule!

R x

Rach, with respect love, I think you are a bit obsessed with exes

Much like this idiot guy

I have a far, far more extensive sexual past than Mr Inferior. Including at least one person he works with sometimes .

He occasionally refers to this, but he's not particularly threatened by it, I reckon (and if he is, frankly that's not my problem).

We're going to the birthday party of said ex's wife in a couple of weekends' time. And another ex has just asked us to his party too.

When you get past 30, frankly I'd be more worried about someone without a past. OP, you are not Doomed to Eternal Spinsterhood, really you're not - you don't have to settle for this.

FFS
Why should ANYONE in a healthy relationship have to avoid mentioning an ex partner, who is obviously Ex for a reason? 'Bringing up exes' in the fashion of saying 'XX was a better shag than you' is not acceptable; saying 'I've seen that film, I saw it with XX' is completely harmless and a normal part of a relationship. Willowwool, you shouldn't have to follow rules on what and who to talk about.

I suppose everyone is different. Its finding the people that are right for you to have a relationship with.
Who knows what esperiences people have in their lives to make them the way they are today but love hopefully will help them deal with things.

'And can I add that one of his best friends is his ex (broke up over five years ago and were together for 10 years before that). Although I am not thrilled by this, I accept it.'

Oh crikey. Mine had one of these. It wasn't an ex, but a colleague - a young, attractive female colleague who sent him lovely, sweet cards full of in jokes on Valentine's day and his birthday.

He showed me these with great pleasure. I didn't really mind. But I wasn't allowed any 'off the cuff' remarks either. AQ card from a male friend would have set him right off.

Point being, even if he doesn't have a problem per se (which he clearly, clearly does!) you're not compatible. This is all you need to say.

I'm sorry, we are clearly not compatible, I keep upsetting you without meaning to, it's very hard, I dont want to hurt you but I think you will be happier with someone else.

Who knows what esperiences people have in their lives to make them the way they are today but love hopefully will help them deal with things.

Rach....are you saying it is the OP's responsibilty to "cure" this bloke's issues "with love" ???

That is a recipe for disaster

Hi,

I think trying to understand people is the best way forward dont you and seen as this post was about exes I think its pretty relevant to be talking about them.

Rach you are slightly missing the point. It's not just about "exes". The concern here is that his version of love is about control.

Rachy - avoiding mentioning an ex or saying that you deeply regret sleeping with someone when you don't doesn't help anyone. It helps the person who has a problem AVOID their issues and these issues will always be bubbling away underneath and likely to bubble over and cause harm to themselves and/or their current relationship.

Of course it would be insensitive to say things that make you compare unfavourably to an ex but even then someone would be doing you a favour by doing this as it would show that they were a wrong 'un (perhaps enjoying causing hurt or perhaps making clear they were using you as a stop gap) and would be a clear signal to get out of the relationship.

< sigh >

< removes head from brick wall >

Rach, my last comment to you on this thread, because your naivety is making my blood pressure rise.

"Understanding" is one thing.

Wrongfully thinking it is your responsibilty to sort it out is entirely another.

Perhaps all Op has to "understand" is that her P is a jealous, twisted nobber and she should get shut of him.

No, I don't think you should have to try and understand someone who is making you this uncomfortable.

He ought to try and understand himself if he wants a relationship - nobody deserves to be taken on until they have at least attempted to sort out their own huge issues.

I used to be insanely jealous of my first boyfriend's ex girlfriend. Really upset me every time he said anything, I would cry and feel unworthy.

I was completely bonkers. He was a sensible chap and eventually we broke up though he took my controlling behaviour for a year or more. I was dreadful - very young, very insecure, no self esteem. I was in a whirlpool of my own deep emotional turmoil.

I didn't deserve his attention or the relationship we had - and I learned from it, and sorted myself out.

Nobody should have to put up with that shit. I needed time alone in order to get myself straight, I couldn't have done it properly if I'd stayed with him.

Hi Scary,

No I am not saying that at all, its up to the individual to decide. But If you love somebody then maybe you might try and help them and work on their problems with them as a unit. I am not saying it will be easy for Willow and tiring. Life is hard enough.
In some ways I agree with flight attentant that maybe its just incompatibility.

Rx

I agree sometimes in a ;good enough' and balanced and fair relationship, partners can help each other through certain things - not deeper issues though. This can destroy a relationship - you need someone outside it like a therapist if it's beyond the most facile stuff.

However Rachy I don't see this chap trying to help Willow work through her troubles. All he's doing is demanding she apologise for this and promise that.

No insight whatsoever.
It has to go both ways. She owes him nothing.

What Scary said exactly

(is that you, AF, with your Halloween name on already? Damn, will have to go and think of one myself now...)

WW, Honey, take it from me, if I could have rolled back the clock and told the 'H' to piss right off there and then all those years ago, and saved myself an awful lot of heartache and EA... but I didn't.

You are young, young enough, to have a proper life still ahead of you. You do not want to throw your eggs in with this basketcase of a human being, you do not want someone so controlling, judgemental and manipulative in your life. He will damage you to the core.

I have my self respect, my self-esteem and 2 fingers up to H if he even raises an eye brow to anything in my life pre-him. But it wasn't always like that, he used to scare the crap out of me and I spent years walking on eg shells.

I lived in Brazil for 2 years when I was 20/21. I went out with 2 guys during my time there. That was it. It was enough though to make a huge issue of apparently. It got so that I couldn't ever watch a film with a brazilian flag in, or any reference whatsoever, even sound track, or even if some one was wearing a flag on their clothes... World Cup was a ffing nightmare in west london I can tell you! he would start up berating me, calling me names and everything until I couldn't take it any more. I'd lose it and flip. I was bonkers! (Clearly blanked it all out now though... )

He once woke me up at 2am and dragged me to see something on the telly about shanty towns, to prove his point that I'd been out with low class people. By the time I'd hobbled to the telly half asleep, the news had moved to something else... I did actually year his head off for that. Don't FF with me on a work night. You are jeopardising my job, which I will not tolerate.

I fecking lived there, I never went out from anyone from the favellas FGS, I went out with a film critic on the telly, and a guy from the office.

He tells me he wants me to teach DS portuguese, but tbh, I'm scared if I speak it, there may just be repercussions. TBH I don't want to risk it. I'll teach DS when H is gone.

OK so I have my adorable DS, but if not with 'H', I could perhaps be with someone who is supportive, a great dad and an equal partner in my life. If I had kids with someone else, I'd love them the same...

I ended up being made redundant from that job, I am sure my performance suffered so much as a result of the abuse I was being subjected to. I lost all my confidence.

Only reaching rock ffing bottom in his god forsaken land taught me never, ever to put up with that shit again and that if he objects so strongly to any aspect of my life, then to do the right thing and walk out. I hold the door open for him regularly!

I won't be happy until he has gone, until then I just live my life, involve him in it as little as possible and tell him to STFU whenever he thinks he has a right to say anything.

So this is a long, very long-winded way (typical for me) to say RUN LIKE THE FECKING WIND! Don't put up with this, that way sure madness lies.

I was your age when I went through this, there is still plenty of time for you to ditch him now and find some else who will be better.

'tis me, AF

Listen up Rachyandmeg, you might learn something...

When you are the only person on a thread saying one thing and everyone else (AF/SF especially!) are saying something else, then you are probably not making the most valuable contribution to the thread.

Thought so!

Rachy are you of the opinion that love conquers all? It doesn't and shouldn't have to. When I was younger my mother gave me a great piece of advice over a BF I had, which is being repeated on this thread over and over again. You shouldn't have to watch what you say in a relationship. And the bloke I was with wasn't half as controlling as this nutter (all though he did have a problem with my past too). I should have run for the hills then - would have saved a lot of heartache.

Thank you everyone for the comments.

I am trying to accept it should end. But it's hard. I am not scared of being on my own - have an OK job, a nice flat and family nearby. But it is nice to have somebody around. But probably better to have nobody if the 'somebody' is wrong.

Have just heard that the promising start to my sister's possible new relationship has gone wrong, so we may well need to spend the night drowning our sorrows and bemoaning men.

A friend has also offered to take me to the rescue centre to look at cats. So my spinster life could be about to begin!

If I am allowed to wallow in self-pity for a moment? I am very, very, annoyed, sad and bewildered that it looks like another relationship is doomed.

yes, of course you are, pet.

You're far too normal for this guy though. You're right not to stand for any nonsense.

It is hard to be alone - I know.

Please, allow me to reassure you, having nobody - for a while - is way, way, way better than having somebody who doesn't approve of you for years and years and years.

I'm 42, H will go, and I will be on my own, as far as I'm concerned, forever. I'd rather be on my own than put up with another idiot messing up my house, taking up space in my bed and making me feel, even for a second, that I'm somehow not good enough.