Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

I'm actually much happier on my own, too...don't despair.

You don't have to live with someone.

being on your own is infinitely better than settling for a nobber, because you fear being alone

I agree with all the good advice given, this relationship is a recipe for disaster.

It's definately not healthy that he won't let this go!

You are not even living together and already you feel you have to watch what you say/walk on eggshells.

In fact he's letting you know you are "not good enough"!
Think of how you will feel in 10 years time with this drip drip effect..

Imagine you have children with this man and one day he comes out with "Mummy was a slut"

And I agree with the posters who talk about controlling people using their health issues in the battle.

WW: You will feel a lot better when he's gone (and, as I say, do watch out for him to start stalking and if he does, crack down hard and fast.) He is a fucked up loser.
INsecure clingy whiny people are not 'romantic' they are losers and many of them use their self-obsessed inadequacy as a weapon.
Rachy: Are you the jealous whinyarse in your partnership, or are you in a miserable situation with a man like WW's tosspot STBX? If the latter, you can tell him to get a grip and/or fuck off, you know. No one owes anyone a relationship and it's still ok - more than OK, to dump someone who claims to love you if that person is hell to live with.

Also WW I recommend this way of looking at your sex life. Much, MUCH healthier than this fuckwitted man's viewpoint.

I used to be very obsessed with exes. No good came of it. (Although admittedly one of the blokes whose ex I was obsessed with did subsequently marry said ex - but only briefly in any case .)

I find not being worried is much nicer. For everyone.

Of course you can wallow in self pity willow. Doing the right thing doesn't make it hurt any less (although it definitely helps taking control of the situation!).

hey, willow, you can have a bit of self-pity, for a little while

just don't take on anyone else's, ok ?

Oh yes, I wallowed like a hippopotamus at 36.

Then I took up with DP.

Then I found out on my 37th birthday I was up the duff

I just think everyone has an opinion and should be allowed it. I also think people deserve a chance.

Sorry I missed replying before but I had a few things to do.
I also try to be understanding. Many people have bad pasts and experiences and unless you have been in the same situation you dont know how it could make you feel either. People deal with things in different ways.
He obviously needs to sort himself out but shouldnt he be given a chance. Willow doesnt have to give him one but maybe one day he will change. He isnt parnter material now.

Rx

Hi Willow,

I wish you all the best and hope you make the right decision for you.

x

SGB said early on (sorry, haven't read the whole thread)
"There is nothing wrong with having lots of sex with different people"

But there is for some people.

This blanket line is so unhelpful.

This post btw is nothing to do with the OP:

I just want to say, I do struggle with SGB's stance that screwing around is fine...and that then you might meet someone and they should still treat you nicely and their (or your joint) fucking around past is forgotten.

I think with people who have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, this is Very Difficult to Achieve.

Only my thoughts.

If you had read the whole thread, UA, you might have worded your post differently ...

We've spoken and sort-of agreed to split up. Quite an emotional phone call and I suspect this isn't the last of it. (Especially as I have ignored three phone calls from him in the last 10 minutes.)

I re-itarated that I shouldn't have to apologise for my past/admit it was 'wrong' to have sex outside of a relationship. (And I'd like to point out that this mainly relates to a few (less than five) one night stands I had in my 20s.) But he would like me to promise that in the hyperthetical situation of me being single again I wouldn't have 'meaningless' sex.

We went round in circles a bit. He can't change how he feels. I don't want him to, just to accept that we can have different views and still get on.

I'm going to my sister's to drink wine and eat too much.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice. Have a feeling I will need to re-read these messages in the coming days to help me stay strong.

No No No....from past experience it is not the OPs job to 'cure' him. That is called co-dependency and it sucks. You get into that pattern of thinking and it's hellish to get out. You end up thinking you can fix other people's problems and all you do is burn yourself out. It is utterly exhausting to have to walk on eggshells, I did it for years and years, right from childhood with my mum, and then marriage and I will never do it again.
It is ridiculous to be so affected by her past. Like someone said, our past is what makes us us...exactly everyone else's point...it's our past and it makes us us...so it's not for anyone else to control, or own, or twist around. The OP has a past (and quite a good one at that) and it belongs to her, not him, not anyone. I know how hard it is to leave a relationship, but if you do decide to stay then make it clear that you will not apologise, justify or feel badly about yourself, your past or your life. If he needs help dealing with it, then tell him to go and have therapy. If he refuses then you know he's actually not as committed to this relationship and you as he would have you believe.

Hope you're having a GREAT time with your sister! Well done - and, yes, do stay strong use your common sense :)

UA: I just want to say, I do struggle with SGB's stance that screwing around is fine...and that then you might meet someone and they should still treat you nicely and their (or your joint) fucking around past is forgotten."

Absolutely gobsmacked at this one. One's pre-relationship screwing around is no-one else's business. Ever.

As for the implied unreasonableness of expecting someone to treat you nicely - well why shouldn't you? it's not about forgetting the past; it's about remembering it's nothing to do with you, and if you have a problem with that, then the problem is yours. "You" here does not mean UA personally.

Willowwool Kick the whiny fucker into touch.

I can't believe this fellow is not only wanting an apology for his (ex?) girlfriend having had sex with people who weren't him over a decade ago, but thinks he should have a right to stop her doing it again after they split up. Planet what?

Mind you, XH used to be obsessed with my past, and I didn't even have one...! I spent 25 years with this insecure (controlling?) creature and he got worse over time, not better. He also tried to stipulate boundaries on my future love-life after we divorced, on the grounds that it would upset the DCs. I thanked him for his opinion but politely declined to make any such guarantee. I'm fairly sure he still tells people to this day that I only ditched him so that I could shag around.

I have cats btw, it's not so bad!

Maybe I'm unusual, but I don't care what happened before I arrived. Nor do I care about exes and friendships with (on both sides).
No such thing as meaningless sex either. Sex is sex, in a loving long term relationship or on a more casual basis. Calling it meangingless suggests it wasn't great fun.
Love me as I am, or fuck off.

WW: "But he would like me to promise that in the hyperthetical situation of me being single again I wouldn't have 'meaningless' sex."

Erm, I think you know the answer to that don't you....?

If you are single (you see, there's the clue) then the subject of what you do and don't do is up to you.

So he accepts to break up, but still wants to control you? that is big of him.

It's not hyperthetical, you HAVE ditched him and YOU ARE SINGLE! Welcome back to your own life!

Seriously, you owe this freak NOTHING! you have got off lightly and you never, ever have to have anything to do with him ever again. Lucky you!

Shineon, You poor love

Meant to say also that seeing as you and your sister seem to be in the same boat at the moment, I'm glad that you both have each other to help one another.

Don't let the other one make the same mistakes as before, look out for each other, you will both be better off long term!