Hello I think tonight I am going to use this thread to just let some stuff out too, probably fairly depressing, so do not read it if you feel fragile.
Yesterday I had a bit of a disagreement with a good friend. All my friends are happily married at the moment with children. I said how alone I feel and like I don't belong and almost feel like I do not fit in. She basically told me that she feels alone all the time as she has 3 young children and her hubby is often out at work and she has to manage alone and she also doesn't find it easy to get out places either and told me she thinks I need to snap out of it. It actually got me thinking as I am often in a low mood for most of the day, I feel worthless and useless a lot and I have lost enjoyment and interest in life, I have a poot motivation and simple tasks seem difficult. I think this is why I have been guilty of spending so much time on mumsnet, it's easy to sit here and read and comment, rather than engage in real life. I'm always lacking in energy, irritable and tired. I can't just snap out of it, life feels so grey. That book I mentioned further down on the thread (Missing Being Mrs, Jennifer Croly) has just arrived, it's actually heavily scripture based as it's written by a Christian, so maybe not a good idea to buy unless you're ok with that IYSWIM? Anyway she says she remembers having the sinking feeling that the whole journey of life was now going to be like this with little enjoyment and even less hope. That is exactly how I feel now. I think my friend thinks as I've been separated almost a year I should be over it all. I have accepted the fact he's not coming back to me, yes that's true but as this book also pointed out to me, the hurt is ongoing. It's not just when you realise you're alone, that you have to try and forgive and let go and move on but also subsequent occassions when loneliness and pain kick in, such as Christmas alone, your birthday, holiday times, going to an empty bed, seeing couples out together and the party everyone is taking a partner to. She says each time it hurts in a different way and you have to let go again. This is definitely where I am at. I can imagine at weekends when all my pals are with their hubbys and busy doing family things, the lovely time they're having etc. The truth is as we've said on here before, they're probably fighting like cats and dogs but I still find those thoughts creeping in. After a year most people have forgotten about it she says in the book but you've barely acknowledged the reality of it. You've had one Christmas season without them, one uncelebrated anniversary, one holiday where you've tried holidaying alone, his/ her birthday came and went, celebrated with others. Your birthday came and you wondered how to celebrate it. Then there's the first anniversary of when they left: the weather is similar; the feelings come rushing back, but you've survived! You've done everything once. Just once. Two years go by and you've done everything twice. The legal work may not be settled. You may be a long way through the process of grief or a very short way down that road. People take varying amounts of time to recover. But to the world at large it's all in the past now. People judge pain by their own experience. Unless they themselves have suffered a great loss, they will have no idea how long it takes to adjust. My friend simply does not understand it. She cannot as she hasn't experienced anything like it.
It hurt actually, as she is one of the few RL friends that I trust to share my feelings with. On the other hand she may have done me a great service, as it has made me look harder at how I feel within and I think I maybe suffering mild depression, as try as I might I cannot reach the positive place Patience is. I think my friends think I'm getting better because I am no longer outwardly angry or tearful or sad but within I have this lethargy, this weariness for life and hopelessness. My friend made me realise when she shouted at me, exactly how I feel within. This book isn't all negative, I am certainly finding myself nodding along to so much of it. But it is definitely helping me at the moment. So I think I'm going to pay a visit to my GP next week dumplings.