ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Nah i just think about escaping the bad times and thinking about the good times still to come in my new life ,he conned me for years so not looking backwards at all nite x

xp sov hope ur ok i just want the house thing to be ok next week and to get away from X as much as i can,if he doesnt ring me this week re the kids not my fault anymore its up to him.

Over the Rainbow

LC hope you are ok. You have been so strong don't let him bring you down.

Hope everyone else has had a reasonable if not good day.

I had a good flight, but had to drive 250 miles after a 9 hour flight, DH would normally have done the driving so that was a new experience. Would love to send you all some sunshine if it was possible.

Good night all.

LC - you know that I look out for you and the others on this thread and I am so pleased you have joined this wonderful group of women Romney.

So I just caught up with the latest news from you LC and saw that bit about the E mail from less than 3 months ago - was that on or around the date when you posted first with your concerns and made your discovery that night? I thought that was early July, IIRC?

If so, it's what we suspected all along wasn't it and explains everything?

LC I am worried about you. You have had a gutful these past few years and as you say, everyone has their breaking point. I'm inordinately pleased you're having some counselling at last, because I really think you need to pour the whole lot out to someone. You have been under so much stress.

I do hope that now you have found proof of his lies, you will look back on the other night as a tipping point. It explains why he wouldn't let you see his phone bills and E mails, because the affair is probably still ongoing.

Like TeaandCakes says, I hope he now has the decency to move out and that you can have some breathing space and the final push to move forward without him. You need someone to look after you now, after all you have been through and after you have been so strong for so long, for everyone else.

I believe in Armbow's "angels" and that pretty soon, you will start to notice luck smiling on you again. It will start with little things and then all of a sudden, you will realise that it's been a while since anything bad happened and some good things have started to come your way.

You've got guts by the bucketload LC and I'm thinking of you.

Thanks WWIFN. The email is a print out of a flat to rent dated 10 days after the day I made the initial discovery and threw him out. Handwritten are the words I love you more in capital letters but I think it is his handwriting not hers.

I just don't understand why he has been dithering for these last 3 months. He's had/having an affair. I found out. I've told him it's over. So why is he still here? He says it is really difficult to find a flat. But we live in the UK's 2nd largest city .

I don't know what to do that is fair and right. He needs to go. I need him to go even more. He's bringing me down. But I also need him to look after ds 2 nights a week so that I can go to work. Why should ds have to live in a hotel?

The most frightening thing is that I really think he thought he could string me along, even worm his way back in and still keep OW on the go. He would have let me live a lie for years. He's one of those men that would have an affair for years and years but never actually get round to leaving.

At least you other dumplings who got dumped had men who were prepared to set you free however hearbreaking that was for you.

I am so desperate to get out of this now. But I can't face any more confrontations or drama right now.

Ugh LC sounds awful. My XH also took a long time to come clean and go although the situation was somewhat different to yours. With BE I think that tbh he was in such a state that he became unable to do anything. I feel sorry for him now in a way but equally don't understand how these guys can just shy away from responsibility big time - I was in a terrible state at the time also but still went to work and looked after two dcs while he was off shagging and being lost.

Hopefully your H will now do what's right and get himself sorted. Its taken a long time but finally I have got to a better place with my H - he is starting to take some responsibility although I wonder whether he is strong enough to maintain it ongoing.

Hugs for you and the ladies and thanks WWIFN for keeping an eye out.

Hello Happy. Are you ok?

I'm having a meltdown today. I've tried to keep a lid on it but I've been dignified and reasonable for 3 months and I've reached my breaking point. The only people I've lost my temper with are xp and ow and that has been only a handful of times in the early days. Well, today they are going to 3 months worth of wrath. I don't care about dignity any more.

LC.......you really are being 'put upon' to put it politely. Your xp is still in your house because it's the cheap, lazy, cowardly option. He still hasn't told people because he's ashamed and embarrased.

He's under some illusion that he can have it all......home, you, ow, everything.

You've got to tell him to go today......you're damaging yourself and your selfesteem even further every minute you allow him to stay.

This was all his choice, not yours. I know you love him but he's shat on you big time and now you have to look after you and ds. DP is NOT YOUR PROBLEM !!!!!!!!! He's made his bed and he needs to take responsibility for himself (which he's not doing) and lie in it.

Bit nippy out there now, it being october, maybe you could lend him a cardboard box, thick socks and a sleeping bag. But only if you can spare them !

I know that sounds crass and flippant but I do actually mean it.

He's an adult, he has choices. He's chosen to leave you and DS. Where he stays isn't your problem (the least comfy the better .

When xh dumped me he wanted to sleep on the sofa for a few months to sort his new life out. I loved him more than life itself but there was no way on earth I was ging to give him that luxury. I gave him a week and told him I needed him gone so he packed his car with his belongings, took a spare mattress, and secretly slept at work for a couple of weeks before moving to a crappy motel.

I know I sound mean but I still really regret letting him take the matress !

I saw him twice after that for a total of an hour and not seen or spoken to him since.

It would be too painful as I loved him with all my heart for 27 fucking years.

I never screamed or shouted at him, I think I was in shock for the first 6 months and any other dealings were through my sol. It was the only way I could handle things.

LC....do yourself the biggest favour and tell him quietly and firmly that you need him to leave immediatly. When he's gone, put your heating on, buy some nice cakes for you and DS and breathe into your new freedom.

He's keeping you stuck and he has no right.

Good luck and be assertive!!!!!

Happy........hope you're ok

LC what Pink said with the proviso that he steps up and finds somewhere suitable to have your ds .

Maybe its for the best in a way to find the email and really face up to and in turn process everything now rather than trickles of things that would keep having the potential to hurt you. After 14 years together its going to take time to get over the rawness and after all its not been long since your holiday when there was still a whiff of reconciliation. I wish I could press the fast forward button LC but it will get easier. In the meantime you know you have all our support

I am off to Mums now until Monday and no internet access so I will absent with leave

Take care everyone xx

I think my H would've strung me along for a long long time LC if I hadn't discovered he wasn't on holiday where he was meant to be. I moved out with DCs immediately and lived with his Dad for a month. Circumstances for me only worked because our tenancy was running out on the flat we rented in Surrey for his job. Then the tenants moved out of our flat here in Hertfordshire and I moved back into our old flat we'd owened for years with the support of my FIL and he moved in with his dad from that point onwards and remained there for 8 months before finally renting a room in a house nearby recently. I'm not sure what the heck I would have done if things hadn't happened to come together for me accomodation wise. But by his Dad knowing exactly what was going on it did give me a place to stay for a short while until my old flat was vacated and a room for him once I moved. Could Citizens Advice or a solicitor advise you here on how to be rid of him out of the house? If he has no family nearby he can stay with there are YMCA's I suppose? Try not to worry about whatever has happened with him LC. He's made his bed and he can lie in it. My H often babysits for me when I'm not here, I'm sure you can work something out for when you're doing night shifts with him, providing he has the decency to respect you and the necessary boundaries you need. He does need to move out though I really hope you can somehow sort it all out today or very soon. I hope the counseling goes well today ((hugs)) x

Thank you for kind and wise words. I have another thread going about dumping his stuff and I'm starting to calm down now.

I let rip this morning and told him how cruel he is and that he is a thoroughly unpleasant person. He started crying. But then turns it all round by saying that him leaving is my choice and that is what is messing with my head so much.

Yes my H tried that, it's easier to blame someone else than admit they cocked up though hey? Hope you're ok, might have a search for your other thread, what I should be doing is studying though I came on MN to check up on you once DD was in pre school as I was thinking about you a lot.

Aargh, LC him leaving is what is right and is a consequence of his actions. Personally I think him leaving is him taking responsibility for what he has done and doing the right thing. It makes me cross that he is pushing it onto you.

With BE when I made my second discovery I said - I can no longer look you in the eye and pretend for the dcs because in my eyes you are not the fine honest and honourable man that I married. You are living a lie here by staying with this family and doing what you are doing. Go and think about what you are doing. After a week he said he agreed it was right to go found a flat in 24 hours and went.

And in answer to your questions in some ways I am ok and in some ways not. Things have gone horrifically wrong here - in a way I am relieved that the bubble has burst, in another way I am worried as I fear that things could get worse still.

Crazily I am trying to maintain sanity by staying positive, spoiling myself and trying to do some fun things.

And on that note, I am hoping that I can host some form of wild music night tomorrow x

Hey all

Got DS2 into nursery brilliantly this morning, no tears from either of us :o and since mum had smallest 2DC i have come home and am enjoying the silence for now

Text AND emailed pic to X this morning so will see if anything come of it, when i emailed i included a note saying any future pictures i may send him will be emailed and if he didnt want anymore pictures to text me

Getting, enjoy your time away and i will be thinking of you sunday ((hugs for then))

LC, i agree with Tea, my X blames it all on me too and i mean literally everything but i know the truth and so will DC when they are older and start asking questions, hope you sort everything out today so that you can have some space, just a suggestion but what about if X moves to hotel but has DS at your house when your working? could that work for you?

Tea, get back to studying :) [wags finger emoticon}

Happy, hope your looking after yourself (or BE still is) take care

Waving like mad to everyone else, am off to to pick DS2 up now, don't want to be late

Sov, glad your ds is ok. Big day for you both.

XP was actually staying here while I worked nights but that means he is here when I wake up and it was getting too comfortable and slipping back into couple things like making each other tea etc. He would sit and watch sky sports and I would think this is all too easy. He should have gone yesterday but he just turned up after work and said don't worry I'll stay out of your way. But I don't want him in the house. I don't want to see his car outside, his teacup by the dishwasher, his laptop, his shoes by the door. Even when I'm working or asleep. I want to know that I have a little sanctuary.

Happy, take care. Life is crap sometimes. There's always someone worse off though. When ds got attacked I got through it by thinking at least he wasn't knifed or badly scarred or dead.

Tea, get back to work you naughty girl

Pink, thanks for your long post. As soon as you mentioned self esteem it helped me get a grip. He is grinding me down and I can't let him. I'm worth more than that.

Getting, the counselling couldn't have come on a better day! I wrote "D.M. 6.15pm" on the calendar and xp accused me of having a hot date - his actual words! I told him it was none of his business but then started to feel guilty (why?) and told him I had to have psychotherapy because he was sending me round the bend. Grrr.

Got a text back from X saying DS2 looks so grown up, thanks soo much, you made my week :-)
I replied with your welcome

Perfect opening to say can i come see DC but nada, oh well at least i sent the pic he can't accuse me of anything

LC, i understand where your coming from and thinking about other people who are worse off is what gets me through everyday :)
re counselling meeting you shouldn't have to justify yourself to your X, you should have said "yes and?" in response to his questioning but old habits die hard which is probably why you felt a pang of guilt, take care and i hope he doesn't show up tonight :)

He's gone for good in no uncertain terms. I've updated on my other thread. No loss of dignity on my part but he looked a right chump .

I've read your other thread LC. I can understand what drove you to do as you did in the end. So glad he's finally had a reality check. The relief must be huge!

What a day, my chums!

XP and I are presently exchanging vitriolic texts as he reneged on his promise to get his stuff out of my car tonight and I simply wouldn't back down. I'm fed up of backing down. So he came over and I said something that annoyed him (surprise, surprise - I'm on form today) and he said he wouldn't have ds for me over the weekend - I am working and literally have no other childcare.

I don't give a flying fuck. I'll take unpaid leave to be with ds. BUT he said it in front of ds so he now thinks his dad doesn't want him. That is stepping over the mark in a major way and xp knows it. Last text was begging for forgiveness.

He can step up to the plate now and have secure and stable visits with ds ,actions speak louder than words .Big hugs LC.you are no doormat he got that message loud and clear ! Hope you have some company tonite ,agree with everything you said today about how they continue to be sneaky fuckers until we find out about it and then want to smooth /charm their way out of it ,sleazy bastards ,makes me so cross .

Just been on your other thread LC.

Major congratulations to you. I'm so happy with the way you dealt with it