ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Hey all,

Patience, i hope your move went well and you havent left us

Getting, blanket sounds good am going to watch films all night myself

Sunny, welcome and sorry you have found yourself here, glad your feeling more positive today

Doris, how are you?

Rom, hope your ok

WQ, hope your ok and not really starving lol, if you think getting dressed up for day out tomorrow will make you feel good then go for it, i would :o X and I are doing joint pressies this year, he said he will give me the money and i put from both of us, i have agreed as long as he does give me the money but also told him it's for this year only and next year he's on his own!

Tea, hope you and DC enjoyed the fireworks display

Pink, a dongle isn't rude it's something you plug into your computer and it connects to the internet

LC, how was DD's boyfriend? and wtg her being choosy :o

Mum, glad to see you and that things are settling for you atm hope it stays that way :o

Happy, hoe things are ok with you

Starting, have you spoken to sol yet? hope things are ok and you can get this sorted, also i second the wanker of the month lol

Chyler, are you still about? hope your ok

Meemar, Hope your ok too

Chair, hope things are good for you too

Amberredsky, you still about? are you ok?

if i've forgotten anybody then i'm sorry and i hope your ok, has anyone had any word from kitty? is she ok?

well, things with me and DC are ok

X's visit wednesday was good he was in a much better mood tg
managed to get some fireworks for tonight which X set off for DC during his visit, made me sad as this is the last time we'll be doing that together, next year depending on who's weekend it will be will determine how it is spent but it wont be all of us together thats for sure

It's the first of many lasts i fear and im hoping i dont feel like this after each one, i think X is expecting us to carry on doing everything like this together but i know that we wont be and i have to start making that clear, we are NOT a family any more and never will be again :(
I love doing things like this cause i get to pretend for half an hour that were still a family but then afterwards i just feel so sad and flat, it all has to stop

Hope everyone has a good night tonight xx

Off to bed here in a mo as I'm exhausted. Fireworks were great, DS didn't enjoy the bangs much but DD loved it until near the end when the rain picked up. Very very wet, even their all in ones leaked a bit by the zip as the weather was so bad. Glad we all went though. Managed to sneak in a pint of Guinness too whilst waiting for the fireworks to begin, which STBXH bought for us both and Monster Munch for the children - felt almost chav like

STBXH flies off with OW for 7 days to Tunisia on Sunday morning. I shall try to remain serene Actually bizarrely I do not seem to care at all. He is decent enough when he has contact with the DCs and is consistent and reliable on contact times and he has become very helpful and considerate in the last few months and respectful of boundaries. It's a nice status quo while it lasts but once the kids get bigger and if he moves in with the OW I suspect all will change again. But for now I'm enjoying the situation.

Big ((hugs)) Sov it's rubbish isn't it?

sov your post made me cry.

hope you are ok patience xxxxxxx

Haven't time to comment on each post. Sov big ((Hugs)), it is really really sad & can still cut me like a knife at times that my dc's don't have a "normal" family anymore & in my case worse as they don't have a father either as such! However, one step at a time it does get easier.

Patience, hope you've settled in your new abode. Have a great first night & will be thinking of you.

WQ, hope your trip out with xh goes well. I wouldn't get too dressed up but would opt for something casual that you feel really good in . Tbh I would have loved to continue doing b'day presents & x'mas presents together with xh for dc's. I requested this several times from xh, he always agreed but it didn't work out over it all going tits up & him not seeing dc's. Anyway I didn't want my dc's to associate separation with meaning extra presents. I know this is what happens for most kids but I think it's a great idea if you can continue to give joint presents.

Getting, hope you had a nice nite.

Pink, I know exactly what you mean about other threads & in fact I have always only mostly come on here as I found at the start I used to read a lot of the other posts by night when dc's were in bed & really they only made me more miserable! They don't really have the same effect anymore so if a title jumps out at me I will have a look at post now .

Tea, god you are an inspiration! I love that you can be so serene about xh going on holls with ow

Anyway, have been a bit of an emotional wreck! New relationship with Norm is really triggering me atm! Feel v emotional because I feel my sense of "normal" has been completely destroyed by xh . I feel v vunerable atm & really not sure if I'm fit to be in any relationship EVER.

Hi all

Another fairly quick post

Can confirm that I have had off thread message from Patience today and that she seemed to be getting on ok

Can also confirm that I had a lovely lunch with a fellow mumsnetter today who will remain nameless unless she wishes to reveal herself!

Spent evening at film - Another Year - let me know what you think of it guys if you go - a bit of a strange one but probably not to everyone's taste I suspect

Have been slightly thrown by work trauma this week - something very unjust happened there and I DO NOT DO INJUSTICE, so now considering options (injustice was not against me but still not good IYSWIM)

WQ, hope all goes well tomorrow

Starting, hoping all is well

Getting, I am sure that your computer skills are getting better by the day

Sov, by the time it gets to fireworks day next year I think you will be feeling fabulous and not bothered about what XH is doing

Tea, like you I don't really worry about what STBXH is doing - and it's a good feeling!

Waves to the hundreds of dumplings that are now on this thread - as they say "only the strong survive" and we are "the strong" ffs.

Happy, Xpost. Thanks for update on Patience. Sorry to hear about the work situation, injustices can be v hard to stomach. Hope you come up with a workable option ((Hugs))

Tea, LOL @ felt almost chav like :o
Glad you all had a good night and yes it is rubbish

WQ, am so sorry my post made you cry, i didnt mean to (((HUGS)))

Starting, YOUR ARE FIT FOR A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP!!!!! sorry to shout lol but you ARE, were not the ones who F**d up but it's understandable your feeling vunerable it's all very strange but you are fabulous (sp) and any man is lucky to have you.

Happy, Glad you've heard from Patience and she's ok, hope she's back soon
yay on lovely lunch and movie today and i hope the work thing gets sorted and yes we are strong, each and every one of us even if sometimes we dont feel like we are

Sov I don't think I've ever heard this tune before. It's great!

Quiet on here today. Been down my parents way to the Carters Steam Fair as my DCs love it and then popped in on my brother for a cuppa before heading back. DD was being very cheeky today and one or other of them was doing things they shouldn't have been. So feeling a little Grrrr need to have a cuppa and a sit down now they're both in bed. Tomorrow is a new day! I don't meditate but I will be talking to the big man upstairs tonight about today and praying tomorrow is a better day. My patience wears thin when they both misbehave, I think they were tired and that was the problem today.

Hi Happy been to see the film today , I did enjoy it but it was veeery slow in parts ! Also a bit depressing -lets just say Mary could be a salutary tale for me

Had a fab today down in London all very last minute but great.

Tea hope they behave for you tommorow.

Hope everyone is ok ?

Sov, thank you so much for your kind words . Am feeling less vunerable today tg. Just went through a v emotional patch again which made me feel v vunerable & insecure again.

Tea, ((hugs)) I often have that with youngest dd & ds also. Can leave you feeling totally worn out.

Getting, glad you enjoyed your day.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

hi to all

getting - glad you had a good impromptu day
starting - good to hear you are feeling better now.
sov - don't worry i was all emotional yesterday as I was fretting about my day today.

tea- my kids are playing up at the moment too, try to rise above

well today was an experience, to be honest i was racked with nerves. I made sure i was smart and had clean hair but that was it, i did not want him to think i had made an effort for him.

anyway long story short, rather than making him see what he was missing i saw what i was missing. today brought back some horrible memories, the tensions of the old days came flooding back to me. how i was always trying to be better, slimmer, prettier, funnier to get his approval and love. sitting across from him at lunch today i realised that really i was doing far better without him than i was doing with him.

I was worried up until today that maybe i was still carrying a torch for him and i was also concerned that if he did ask to come back that i would have agreed.

i know now though that this is not the case; i have lived a day in my old life today and i now realise that despite all the pain that i had and the few bad days that i have at the moment that i would far prefer to be where i am now than to go back to what i had. the veil has lifted and i feel an awful lot lighter for it!

h on the other hand is having doubts that he did the right thing about leaving - funny how life works isn't it?

Yay! Bravo WQ

Off to bed in a mo, can't believe Rufus Sewell's character may have been killed on The Pillars of the Earth series tonight He was my favourite character. Plus he is fine!!!

WQ - Well done, so pleased you saw the real DH, that is so good to hear. I can remember spending time with my exH and finally realising that he and my old life were not what I wanted anymore. So I know the relief you feel when you finally realise that you have moved forward with your life. The awful thing is I dont know that I will ever find that out this time, as I dont see DH very much, as no DC with him to get to that stage.

So pleased for you WQ.

I have felt stronger today, have no idea why and know it probably wont last long. I did speak to the Alien DH today, still an alien so nothing new there then.

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend.

hi rom, glad you are having a good day. enjoy the respite

"Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you're coming down. And that's it you know, you never know what's round the corner. But it's all good. 'If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain.' Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits."

sorry to bring down the tone but this is one of my all time favourite quotes.

it is from ricky gervais' the office. I tried to find the you tube link but i could not fnd it.

WQ, great quote BUT even better what happened for you today with h. I am so happy for you, it sounds so liberating for you . Want to give you a big virtual (((((Hug))))) You are fab so you certainly don't deserve to be with someone who makes you feel that you are lacking!

Waves to all...........

Hello, everyone,

Your thread was recommended to me - may i please come on your journey with you? Please read my thread "After 37 years, it is almost over....." and I would love some support at the moment, especially today!

Hi CityDoll

How lovely to see you here! I have lurked on your thread and read your story. Feel free to talk about how you're feeling here.

We are evidence that sometimes things are tough but that there is a good life as you emerge from the rollercoaster.

Welcome and a big newbie hug for you.

Waves to all ........ Xx

Hello Citydoll I have read your thread and posted a couple of times too. Hard though it is can you see today as the first day of your new life ? Although saying that isnt your xh coming back today to get clothes because he wouldnt pay for a rail ? Hard up men are fine but not tight ones , at least you will be free of that.

As Happy says we are proof that you can come out the other side happier , stronger and glad to be out of our marriages. You can say whatever you like on here safe in the knowledge you wont be judged and that quite likely someone will have been there although I think 37 years is longer than most...

WQ you are an inspiration and even though I havent spent 5 minutes with xh since he left I dont need to to remember that feeling of always trying at something or other meanwhile he pleased himself !

Tea how many workshops have you got left now ? You havent said much about them so I hope they have been good - I gave up with the book !

Rom hope today is another good day. Try not to keep telling yourself that you will never get over your H because you dont know that and its just going to keep reinforcing it and hence making it more likely. Keep taking baby steps forward and doing as many nice things for yourself as you can no matter how small.

Well I am looking forward to today its nice and sunny I have no plans but I have a feeling its going to be a good day

Waves to Pink,Mumfun,Happy,Starting,Patience,Littlecritter,Sov,Doris,Sunny and every other dumpling lurking or otherwise !!

hello citydoll, we are a very friendly bunch on this thread, I am going to read your thread today and will post back later. H has kids re day so I m planning on having a very lazy day maybe punctuated with a bit of housework ?

i will read through thread and comment on everything then - not had my morning coffee yet !!!!

see told you i am bleary eyed - i meant h has kids TOday

Citydoll also when/if you feel like it maybe you could tell us a bit more of your story as your op is very brief. I have found it helpful to both post and read some of the details of other peoples journeys.

3 weeks left on the course, it is very very good. Just been rather busy and haven't had time to comment on it.

Starting to feel loads better on the ABs now btw.

citydoll I wrote a long message about a month ago on here and wanted to copy it again for you to read, thought you may relate to it:

"teaandcakeplease Sat 09-Oct-10 18:59:15

Hello I think tonight I am going to use this thread to just let some stuff out too, probably fairly depressing, so do not read it if you feel fragile.

Yesterday I had a bit of a disagreement with a good friend. All my friends are happily married at the moment with children. I said how alone I feel and like I don't belong and almost feel like I do not fit in. She basically told me that she feels alone all the time as she has 3 young children and her hubby is often out at work and she has to manage alone and she also doesn't find it easy to get out places either and told me she thinks I need to snap out of it. It actually got me thinking as I am often in a low mood for most of the day, I feel worthless and useless a lot and I have lost enjoyment and interest in life, I have a poot motivation and simple tasks seem difficult. I think this is why I have been guilty of spending so much time on mumsnet, it's easy to sit here and read and comment, rather than engage in real life. I'm always lacking in energy, irritable and tired. I can't just snap out of it, life feels so grey. That book I mentioned further down on the thread (Missing Being Mrs, Jennifer Croly) has just arrived, it's actually heavily scripture based as it's written by a Christian, so maybe not a good idea to buy unless you're ok with that IYSWIM? Anyway she says she remembers having the sinking feeling that the whole journey of life was now going to be like this with little enjoyment and even less hope. That is exactly how I feel now. I think my friend thinks as I've been separated almost a year I should be over it all. I have accepted the fact he's not coming back to me, yes that's true but as this book also pointed out to me, the hurt is ongoing. It's not just when you realise you're alone, that you have to try and forgive and let go and move on but also subsequent occassions when loneliness and pain kick in, such as Christmas alone, your birthday, holiday times, going to an empty bed, seeing couples out together and the party everyone is taking a partner to. She says each time it hurts in a different way and you have to let go again. This is definitely where I am at. I can imagine at weekends when all my pals are with their hubbys and busy doing family things, the lovely time they're having etc. The truth is as we've said on here before, they're probably fighting like cats and dogs but I still find those thoughts creeping in. After a year most people have forgotten about it she says in the book but you've barely acknowledged the reality of it. You've had one Christmas season without them, one uncelebrated anniversary, one holiday where you've tried holidaying alone, his/ her birthday came and went, celebrated with others. Your birthday came and you wondered how to celebrate it. Then there's the first anniversary of when they left: the weather is similar; the feelings come rushing back, but you've survived! You've done everything once. Just once. Two years go by and you've done everything twice. The legal work may not be settled. You may be a long way through the process of grief or a very short way down that road. People take varying amounts of time to recover. But to the world at large it's all in the past now. People judge pain by their own experience. Unless they themselves have suffered a great loss, they will have no idea how long it takes to adjust. My friend simply does not understand it. She cannot as she hasn't experienced anything like it.

It hurt actually, as she is one of the few RL friends that I trust to share my feelings with. On the other hand she may have done me a great service, as it has made me look harder at how I feel within and I think I maybe suffering mild depression, as try as I might I cannot reach the positive place Patience is. I think my friends think I'm getting better because I am no longer outwardly angry or tearful or sad but within I have this lethargy, this weariness for life and hopelessness. My friend made me realise when she shouted at me, exactly how I feel within. This book isn't all negative, I am certainly finding myself nodding along to so much of it. But it is definitely helping me at the moment. So I think I'm going to pay a visit to my GP next week dumplings"