ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

LOL at laird Getting x

Getting - thank you, I know I have been here before but I cant seem to get over DH leaving as I have given him my all, and loved him totally.

I have been to the GP for help and was feeling a lot better, been on citalopram for 5 weeks. I feel so weak and desperate, looking at the long road ahead that looks uphill as well.

Ok back from college & feeling far more chirpy . Think I was just overtired & emotional. Getting that was just a figure of speach regarding Norm, he's happy with what I'm offering lol, just meant will have to see how things progress . He's on flight home now so first thing on agenda is organising a nice shag meal .

Rom, I've understand so well about obsessing etc. I also gave my xh everything I had to give & tbh just desperately wanted him back for a long time. It does pass though & you will just get through this day by day & slowly it will get easier. My xh is 55 & is with a 24yo, let me put it like this she aint with him for his looks anyway!! Whatever about your xp & ow regarding age difference I just don't think you can build anything worth having when you build it on deception & someone else's misery. I used to wonder would xh realise what he'd thrown away too & would he come crawling back. Well I'm so glad he didn't, life is peaceful & during the time I took to heal I realised what a lucky escape I had that he never did look to come back. Tbh I think a lot of these men detach from their emotions to such a point (to avoid guilt & justify their actions) that they prob remain mostly shut off & don't allow themselves to think about what they've done. Are you still seeing counsellor?? You were seeing one through work if I remember correctly.

Sov, great to see you back posting & really great to hear you sounding so positive .

Likewise Urban!! Loving your positivity .

Waves to Pink, Getting, Doris, Happy, Tea, Mumfun, LC, WQ & anyone I'm forgetting!

Straight Leg Button Flap Pockets Jeans&sch=2 these

can find plenty for men

these

hope one of these is ok

i think second one looks good and the price

Rom how are you this morning ?

Wohooooo great to see you patience x

Right not read thread yet.... yesterday was surreal. There was a knock on my door last night.. and it was an old friend who I have not seen since school. Him and I used to date. He had heard my news.... found out my new adrress, travelled 250 miles to see me. He stayed for ages.....nothing happened. Was such a confidence boost that someone would do that. Left me all warm inside.

WQ how lovely and of course you're worth doing that for . Look forward to hearing from you later

Thanks Getting - another night with lack of sleep and thoughts like a washing machine going round and round, and tears. I really don't know what's up with me, I really thought I had moved in from here.

hello rom, sorry to hear you are having such a crappy time right now. but please please try and keep in mind that this is such a roller-coaster you might feel as though you have taken a backward step by feeling so awful now but you will still be moving forward i promise.

getting pointed out a pattern to me a while ago and i think she had it spot on.
just before we move forward another stage we have a major wobble and become low. hopefully this is the case with you.
patience always says as well that you should just let the emotions come, don't fight them, the quicker they come and you let them come the quicker they will go.

great to see you back sov, and it sounds like you have turned a corner from your posts.

getting - if you are putting in orders for men can i please have a rich farmer? thanks

glad to see you posting pink and hope you are well.

well done on cigs starting, is norm back now sorry to hear you had a bad day the other day, sounds like you have bounced back though.

Thanks sov......jeans have just gone mental eh ?loads last year in the shops now everything is super skinny , many thanks for looking.
Rom you will be fine x
This weekend i was grieving for my wee house my life as it was etc all overwhelming didnt expect it ,yesterday i seem to have woken up better ,shock of move means i can still cry anytime anywhere ATM but by the weekend it will all be done .Might buy a phone i can post from even if i dont have broadband.
Glad ur feeling better Startin,
Wow WQ love ur visitor story !!!!!

Morning ladies !

Well I am on great form today plan perfect didnt go quite as well yesterday as I hoped but hey todays another day. Feeling relieved that Xmas has been broached and I think xh will grudgingly go along with what I am asking. Its inconceivable that next year I wont be spending Xmas with my dc but thats far to far away to worry about.

I am just enjoying being free and not spending my whole time thinking about this whole topic. The dreams have subsided and my mind is now on me , sorting myself and our life out to how I would like it to be. The only thoughts floating about in my mind re xh are how glad I am he is out of my life. I have stopped berating myself for the years spent putting up with his shit and just feel myself looking to a new future.

Any dumplings who are still only a few weeks/months into this and wonder when the ups and downs will ever lessen take note eventually they do.

All the things I have read on Mn been told in RL about how it will pass, how you will come out stronger how you will rediscover yourself are true. My self esteem took such a battering in my marriage , some of my own making, that to find I actually rather like myself and think I am an OK person is a revelation !!

Today I am going to control my eating as a single step because with Xmas coming I would like to feel nice in an outfit and my weight does affect my confidence.

How is everyone ? Order noted WQ - you do know there are specialist dating sites for country folk and farmers .

Have a good day see you later

Reading Codependent No More By Melody Beattie ATM.Bit in ur face in places and dark but only because you see how ur own behaviour has helped u make bad choices or stop u walking away quicker from toxic situations.But if you have got to a place that you definately dont want to repeat a bad pattern and you are raising ur self awareness and self esteem then a good read.Will post some quotes later

Quick pop in (at work)

Love the story WQ

Patience, looking forward to the quotes, cos I still have a codependency problem!

Waves and love to all.....

WQ, that was a lovely thing of your friend to do & a great boost for your confidence I can imagine

Rom, it does indeed seem to go in patterns of up & down & backwards & forwards for a while. Just keep posting & taking care of yourself & a day at a time it'll get easier.

Patience, so great to hear you are feeling a bit more positive. Codependent no more is a great book to keep refering back to.

Getting, likewise great to hear you sounding so proactive & positive. Good luck with your targets .

Waves to Happy & others........

Well I got reacquainted with Norm again this morn .

Oh & nearly forgot heard this aft that xh has opened a new business & yet still no maintenance! Am trying to make contact with solicitor atm.

OMG I'm so fuking angry I am holding back tears of frustration & anger. Coincidentally I have just received a letter from sol that I should have got last week & it's now obvious that xh is to play the broke card going to go for the jugular financially with me. It continues on the say "we hope that access will be resumed when the dust has settled" WTF............He had fg terrorised the dc's on two occasions now & did f all to put things right, never attended the family psychologist as agreed & left me to pick up the tab of £120. I want to rip that f**s head off!!! To add insult to injury the money that I received last week that I thought was money due was actually maintenance plue a contribution of £100 instead of the approx £1000 that he owed.

Starting, i'm so sorry and for you, how the hell do these men get away with it
Hope you can sort something out to get what your due (((hugs)))

WQ, Excellent story, was there any feelings awakening for you? :o

Rom, hope your feeling a little better, just remember baby steps, you'll get there eventually ((hug))

Getting, glad your feeling more positive, keep smiling :)

Hope everyone else doing ok

Been quiet here, X came for visit yesterday half an hour late and was miserable as sin
Kept trying to make him smile or start a conversation but got no where fast so gave up, i dont like being around miserable people who wont talk about what's upset them, needless to say the visit was rubbish and we both kept clock watching so grateful when he left, hope he's in a better mood for tomorrows visit

Course last night in London so I didn't have a chance to catch up and DCs have a vomiting bug which began yesterday afternoon with DD and DS has joined in too now, so washing constantly on and busy comforting etc. So I'll catch up when life calms again

Thanks everyone for your wonderful support, I realised today whilst laying awake as usual at 0500 that it isnt quite 3 months yet, so still have a long way to go. I know its baby steps Sov but Im still finding life so hard at the moment.

DH rang me today to see if he could come and see me, I said that was fine, and then my alerter went off so I had to go out, rang to tell him I wouldnt be in so had a chat, he did say there was still hope for us in the future, but doesnt know how long that would be. He really is in BONKERLAND as Patience said yesterday!

I think the reason I am struggling so much is the fact I cant get any answers and therefore cant get any clarity. I suppose I have to realise that I am probably never going to know why etc.

Hope you are all going well tonight.

Starting pleased Norm is back for you!!

WQ how lovely for your friend to come and see you I bet that was such a boost in your self esteem.

Ok Rom need to share this as i dont know if you know all my back story but basically from April to July this year my X kept me hooked in with all the i love yous you will always be my missus just give me time to get my life sorted im just a bit f*ed up in the head just now ,bullshit bullshit lies and more bullshit.He kept me dangling on a string giving me hope and telling me he loved me.I was distraught so heartbroken that any chink of light at all made me think it was all goin to be ok because this guy that i had been dealing with for the last 6 mths was not the guy i thought i knew.But it was just his way of keeping me hooked,in the end i found out he just wanted his life with his wife and kids and a seperate life with his pub mates etc.Well fuck that because every so often a big whopper of a lie would get found out and even now i am confronted by selfish nonsense and i am gobsmacked at it all.
I desperately wanted it all to work out Rom ,I even thought today when i was in the flat [no tv aerial point btw WTF its 2010]that the reason i was in town was to make me hate X even more,LOL and NEVER take him back,I truly NEVER thought i would hear myself say that,it still upsets me but i will NEVER get over all that he has put me thru ie i have forgiven him but i could never find the guy attractive he is a total TOSSER !
Give urself a break Rom this is all grief all normal, tis shite ,nobody wants to join the "Ive been dumped by the love of my life cos he has moved on "club
My X is just weak as water ,such a dissapointment.Nowadays its not the split but the dcs and his lack of involvement that is the shocker.1hr this last fortnight and yes i am awaiting xmas plans do hee haw the rest of the time then tell me he has as much right to see them as me ,my life has just gone crazy this year,everything i thought was normal isnt normal i wonder when will i find my new normal,when will i eat normally when will i think what i do everyday is normal and not think of my X .LC do you ever get to a point that you dont think of yourself as left with it all to deal with while the X just did a bunk ?I dont know sometimes i think we can do the co parenting thing respectfully then i find out something really shocking and i wonder why i need to feel the pain or stress.If it was just me i wouldnt but its because he sees the kids,aargh what a mess,away to read my book.
Happy biggest difference for me is when you get over the shock of ur own habits then very simple to recognise it when other people do it to you ie overbearing help/rescuing that wasnt asked for [does my nut in]then ignore me and are mean because i resent their overinvolvement and detatch myself.I would have been bothered about offending others b4 but now i just think butt out of my life you interfering busy body i didnt ask for your help and i dont need ur help.
I think ultimately you need to work on being independent and selfish,apparantley i owe it to myself to celebrate ME and be selfish re my own needs because i put myself way down the list for too long.I dont make excuses for arsehole behaviour i just clock someone is acting like an arsehole,i think in the book it is called awakening your awareness .I think it means clocking a vampire that will suck u dry emotionally and being aware of controllers and manipulators ,i have v high boundaries and u know it works well for me .I am beginning to be the force to be reckoned with that i always knew i was ,but i was tooo scared and anxious about life.I always wanted to be liked ,worried what others thought but honestly now i just dont give a fuck ,LOL

ROM some days i am still in shock re opt out of kids education and all other parental responsibilities .
I think when he is being Mr Nice goin thru a particularly bad guilt phase ,i find it all surreal to be chatting away [he still calls me babes FFS}But he will soon send me a text says something nasty from BONKERSLAND Rom mine got a one way ticket!
I also get how if my X was duping me all this time so was everyone else in my life bosses etc and if they werent trying to con me the codependents in my life were trying to rescue me from the folk taking the piss, LOL and suffocating me and i would resent them because i didnt want to hurt their feelings[now im like not my problem and detatch myself]man they are everywhere , people who look after others really well instead of themselves . They wont give themselves permission to look after just them as a person because they see themselves as unworthy . Someone along their path told them they were unworthy and witheld love from them when they needed it the most.Self love ,confidence and independence is such a wonderful gift to give every child. Anyway if anyone doesnt mind unravelling a bit of their past the the book is def worth a read ,you can always put it down until you are in a better place to read it x

Starting so sorry your xh is being such a twunt it must seem like he will never be consigned to history at times

Patience hope everything is going ok with the move - are you in yet ?

Rom sorry but your h sounds so very very selfish. He must know you are in pieces but still wants to keep the wound open by saying he might be back but doesnt know when wtf ? On what basis might he change his mind ? That he realises he does love you , that perhaps his ow wasnt what he thought ?

When xh moved out it was under the heading of " Going to think about what I want ". He rang me around 3 weeks later and said "I thought I would just let you know how I am whats on my mind " when I was silent he said "No good news for you I'm afraid" . The arrogance of that sentence has stayed with me , the idea that I was hanging on a thread waiting for good news ie that he was coming home. Rom try and just get through each day working on the basis that he wont be returning and actually all he is doing is keeping his own comfort blanket in place. Sorry if that sounds harsh and obviously I dont know him like you do so I may be wrong.

Tea sorry your dc are poorly . How are you feeling overall at the moment ?

Well I am doing really well with the living in the moment thing which is keeping me smiling. Read an article about how would you live your life if you only had a month to live and feel that I already have some of that down pat .

Still stuffing my face though grrr !

Waves to everyone have a lovely day

right getting how about it - me and thee as diet buddies???? i need to lose stone and i need to stop eating crap in the evening. you up for it?

starting - bloody hell your xh really leaves me speechless. get yourself to a sol asap - hope you get what you need from him and he mans up to his kids and as for the "seeing the kids after the dust settles" well my jaw just dropped to the floor when i read that one - i am so sorry you are having to deal with him.

patience - great post to rom, the bit in your post about wanting everyone to like you and being anxious about life struck a chord with me - this describes me to a tee - i am trying to learn to not give a fxck but it is such a pattern of ingrained behaviour that is is very hard.

lc - hope wallace (great name by the way) isn't causing too much mayhem

rom - hope you are ok today, if you h really wants to come home then he should be beating your door down and he would not be taking no for an answer, apathy and indecision is not what you need from him, nothing less than 100% effort to win you back should do for you. after what he has done to you if he wanted to come back he should see that you deserve to be treated as his number 1 priority. it was thinking this that got me through some of the dark days -

if he wants me he would fight for me

sov - found the whole episode with friend very confusing to be honest. spent the whole of yesterday with a huge grin on my face, but not sure whether that was just because i was grateful for male attention or because it was him - i think he was expecting me to fall into his arms like a damsel in distress but i am dumpling now dontcha know
in fact, the whole turning up on my door unannounced thing freaked me out too - it has been full make up and hair done ever since (just in case )

starting can i just ask a question about you and norm ????? has he met your dcs yet or do you keep the two parts of our life separate? i only ask because friend arrived when kids were around and spent some time with them and it felt very weird, i am not sure if i liked it to be honest.

tea - hope the kids are feeling better and that you do not catch it.

waves to happy, pink, mumfun, chair, dorris

oh yeah also getting ...

my jaw also hit the floor when i read your h called you and said it was not good news for you ffs - what a stupid bloody awful thing to say.

"no mate not good new for you cos i am going to sue your ar*e off and take you to the cleaners"

obviously the above statement would have only been shouted to him in my head as i would remembered i am a serene dumpling

sorry made me for you

as you were