ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

It must be the bloody weather! Am feeling v raw & emotional atm too. Had a nightmare last night that xh killed himself, ended up crying at 4am. Looked up the meaning & it said that I was saying goodbye to that part of my life. Well I've done that already so must just have been another bit of grief or something. Might also be because I was thinking of xh last night in the context that on halloween night 2yrs ago xh came to bring dc's trick or treating. It was only 4wks into separation & my heart was shattered. Xh was so horrible to me that night & I ended up in floods of tears while he was completely cold & cruel. How the f**k did I take him back after that?? Could also be connected to Norm getting back tonight & where to from here so to speak. Whatever I have a toxic headache, would love a cig & it's raining & so dark & gloomy here. I just want to crawl back into bed! That's my self pitying whine .

Rom, good to see you back & hope you're feeling better.

LC Wallace sounds fab I know my dc would kill for a dog but I dont want the commitment atm. I hope I am not being out of order LC but it sounds like there is a lot of open ended questions and unfinished business between you and xp. For instance why would xp be expecting to be there for Xmas ? In what context did the question of him cutting contact with ow arise and has it seriously taken him until now to put this forward as a suggestion ?

He sounds like he is in extreme denial that you and him have split and surely that spills over onto you and whether things are really over or not. If you want to give your relationship another go then thats great but if not him mooning around and being so much in your life is bound to slow up you recovering and moving on.

Sorry just realised that sounds a bit bossy but you know I am only trying to help

Hi Starting , sorry to hear you feel s*. Its awful when specific instances of coldness etc come back to haunt you. Last Halloween I was in pieces as he had just told me he didnt think we could fix things and I remember pinning a smile on my face to trick or treaters. Last night I had such a lovely evening all the sweeter for the comparison to last year.

Being nosey is Norm asking for some kind of commitment or plan for the future ? If not what you have going on sounds perfect to me ie someone taking you out ,paying you attention, sh you senseless. Meanwhile you are doing your course , looking after your dc and generally running your own life and being independent.

I am quite a bit older and wouldnt be looking for another live in/permanent relationship but maybe you are and this is time wasting with Norm ?

Oh and WELL DONE on the cigs -how long is that now ?

Ladies - please can I have your opinion on something I am torturing myself about and have been obsessively reading about, I know I shouldn't but I am and I would really appreciate your views, so here goes.

Dh's OW is 26 years younger than him, he is 53 and she is 27, do you think a relationship that starts as an affair with an excessive age gap can work? There are a lot of other problems regarding work so it's not all plain sailing for them.

Please give me your views, I know it shouldn't matter but I can't stop thinking about it. It's one of my questions I ask all friends, that and do you think he will realise what he has thrown away.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.

Oh and another thing, I know he's not thinking straight at the moment but even if it lasts for a while does he really think she will still look at him the same way when she is 45 and he is 71?

Hello everybody :o

Had no internet, poxy talk talk grr but im back :o

Have been reading through the posts and wow has everyone been on a rollercoaster, sooo much going/gone on

Rom, i have no idea if it would work or not tbh and wether he'll realise what he's lost but you need to start thinking of yourself now, do you really want to sit around waiting, hoping that something might change? life is too short to be waiting on someone who doesnt deserve you (sorry if i sound harsh, dont mean to be but i'm realising a few thing myself lately too)

Starting sorry your feeling crap, hope your mood picks up again soon and well done on the cigs :o

LC, yay Wallace :o sounds great, would love a dog but definately couldnt cope with one atm and re XP and Xmas, im having that disagreement too

Doris, welcome to our little group, hope your feeling better now and i agree with everyone else it will be so hard to keep this from DC for so long, it's amazing how much kids know about things weve tried to hide from them and they might already know but dont want to upset you IYSWIM

Patience, glad you have found somewhere although it's not what you wanted at least it's one less stress to deal with and i really reallly hope you arent leaving us i for one would miss you terribly

Getting, try not to change too much at once or you may find yourself in a spin about everything, a little at a time were all allowed to indulge sometimes

Tea, glad you enjoyed the wedding, hope everything is ok for you x

Happy, hope things are good at your end :o

AB WQ how's things with your match man? hope you and yours are doing well

waves to everyone else and hope their all good :o

Sov - I know you right but it's something I obsess over, and moving on seems very difficult! I know life is short my dad died of a heart attack when he was 56 and my mum died from cancer at 62 so I know life can be so short. Sorry, I am really struggling, I wish I could get stronger but it doesn't seem to be happening.

Well...

I have managed to pull myself out of my depression again TG, think it was all because i hadnt seen X for so long and i needed to deal with things with him around IYSWIM

He's been coming to see DC regulary and i told him i want him to have them for the evening once a fortnight too so that i can go out, he dithered a bit but he did babysit saturday night even cleaned the downstairs for me too

Had a bit of a wobble the other day when he told me he was looking for his own flat but i was exhausted and feeling crap so had a cry then looked for the positive, that being he can have DC for the weekend every other week :o

He came back from XMIL the other day and said he had turned down an invatation to Xmas dinner because he will be with me and DC, told him err no, dont think so, he can come xmas morning, have even offered him the sofa xmas eve so he can be here when they wake up but i already have plans for xmas day so tough, also told him to call her back and say he'll be there
Am not nasty though have said he can come boxing day if he wants as i am cooking for me, Dc and a few friends so he's welcome to join us but he probably wont [couldn't care less emoticon]

I seem to be feeling a lot stronger about every thing, my attitude is for every negative i will look for the positive ie what will make this good for me not just DC and it seems to be working
I refuse to wait around just incase he is having doubts and changes his mind i could wait for ever and if i want to be happy again and i mean truly happy then i have to go and find it, it wont come to me

oh how ive missed you all :o

Rom, it is hard to move on, (i'm the same amount of time in as you are) but it will come in time and dont apologise for struggling with it all, we all move at our own pace, trust me i was you not long ago and when you start feeling better something will pull you back, it is a rollercoaster were on but eventually we will be able to get off and will be stronger women for it

for every knock down we encounter when we get back up again we will be that much further on in our journeys

Imagine a place you want to get to in yourself that doesnt include XP (example, by next xmas i want to be settled in a new home with DC and i want to be happy, if i have a new relationship great if not oh well) tbh if my X asked to try again right now i would probably say yes but my attitude is if he wants me he know where to find me and if he doesnt well then its his loss :o

i hope your feeling better soon hun(((((hugs in the meantime)))))))

Ooooh Sov wherever you have been the last few days its obviously done you the power of good talk about fighting spirit !!! at being able to just tell your xh whats happening at Xmas , I had an unpleasant conversation with mine earlier hes none to happy to be told whats happening even though I reminded him of how Xmas last year was blown to smithereens by him and ow stuff wtf !! Anyway hopefully he'll accept it.

Romney I second what Sov says. You will still be obsessed with this its very early days. Will it last ? It seems unlikely in the long run but how long do you want to be on a backburner ? I think you may end up feeling sorry for him as he sounds quite a mess.

Got to take ds football training - yawn see you later

Exellent posts Rom.........bloody good for you,

well done.

Sorry Pink have I offended you, really apologise if I have.

Dorris, my h left 2 months before DS1s gcse' and and ds did brilliantly. Much better than expected, against all odds. We were together 27 years. I was very happy, he's all I ever wanted. When he gave me his 'I'm not happy' speech I said "if you're going then go" and he did, 2 weeks later. Your dc will know there's something wrong. Why are you waiting ? What are you waiting for ? He's treating you like a doormat. He said he wants to be friends with you ??????? Who needs friends like that ? Friends don't treat each other like that.

Your DC don't need the mariage saving, they need a happy, content, strong mum and you can't even begin to start getting over him and getting on with the rest of your life till you divorce and settle things.

You've been delaying for so long which bennefits him but no one else.

Divorce is horrid (I know, I've just done it) but I think what you're putting yourself through is much worse and you're only prolonging the sadness.

The gcse's will be fine. Get a tutor if you're worried. I did, and a handyman .

I haven't set eyes on xh since the day he left and I hope I never will again. My dc are fine without him, see him every few weeks and barely give him a second thought. They now know what a wank stain thier seemingly perfect dad is and they love and respect me for coming through the most agonizing 3 years I could ever have imagined.

It was iether sink or swim and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of me sinking.

Come on Doris, you've got a life to live, get rid of that man who's making you so misserable.

Romney.......what do you mean ???? I loved your posts ! Did you think I was being sarkey cause I wasn't.

Rom Rom Rom.....I'm sorry, I meant Sov !

I've just read it back. Got your name mixed up with Sov.

So sorry, I really am xxx

Pink - I thought you were being funny, bloody hell I thought maybe you had an older man stashed somewhere!!! :o

You ok Rom ? Please say you are. It was Sov's post to you that I thought was so good. I need to go and do some work but can't till I know you're ok. Come back.............

Anyway Pink you dont say if you think they will be a match made in heaven, please humour me by giving me your view.

The only place I'd have an older man would be under the floorboards wrapped in bin bags.

God knows what she wants with your h unless he's extremly wealthy and about to pop his clogs. If not then maybe she needs a father figure. Maybe she's a bit dim.

Pink I think maybe you meant to say Sov not Rom in your earlier post...?

Pink as I said the other day your posts this last month have a completely different feel to the ones I was reading when I first came on the thread. You were often very forlorn and now either you dont post those feelings or you have made a massive leap in your recovery .

I thought I would put this quote on again stolen from another thread ages ago which sums where I am at up

" First find yourself again and become an 'I' rather than half a 'we' then you can find what you want from life "

Thank god for Dumplings and MN in general which has helped me sooo much to get the strentgh to say I am glad all this happened and have no hang ups about being on my own now .

Anyway dd on the other hand is boy mad and literally pulling the laptop of me to exchange innane messages with her "boyfriend"

Ok think I'm alright til Friday re broadband and apologies re my weekend of DOOM just had a C**T of a week.SOV i really need those jeans mate my old faithfuls ripped today so need ur top tips,no pressure lol

Getting - I certainly hope I get where you are in the not too distant future, otherwise I am worried what I might do.

Thanks Pink for humouring me. He isnt wealthy but does have some money coming to him soon, dont think he is likely to pop his clogs soon and apparently she is wonderfully intelligent, should have gone to Oxford!!! so not dim. Thanks again.

Urban lol love it !! Dont worry about weekend you were very quiet in relation to what you are going through , how are you? Too early to say if its as bad as you thought I suppose? You are a star dumpling and it'll come right wait and see.

Romney I had some big lows getting here but I never worried about what I might do . Are you ok ? Do you have strong RL support ? If you are spiralling down go to the doctors and get something to help . Romney if you want to message me then do I am around on and off between letting dc do their homework on laptop. All of us have had desperate times but have come through and you will too, you know that because you've been here before.

Rom just keep posting you just have to imagine you are driving in fog just now,bloody awful fog and its very scary how out of control everything is ,but you can still see at least 2 feet ahead of you so you can still keep moving forward ,it is a black dark place when you cant see clearly and make sense of what should be familiar etc but you WILL drive out of this fog ,please trust us all on this you WILL get through the other side x

Rom email me if you want ,you are very welcome .I used to type out huge posts to get it all out and then delete them if too much detail.But swear rant whatever you like ,try not to analyse as i said b4 he is in BONKERSLAND, but v hard to do i know.Just remember dont look for acceptable behaviour from someone incapable of giving it.I went from beingat my Xs behaviour to and generally now i am or or because he is an arse.
Nobody will ever judge you here we have all been in a dark place and sobbed wailed and rolled around hollering.{Sounds like my weekend LOL }

Waiting on confirmation of removal van day but possibly Friday so making the most of it til then.Needless to say X didnt see kids yesterday,he had a cold poor love.