ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Hope everyone is cool,packing and chucking stuff out all day .This time next week it will be all done x

Can i just ask if this is normal? I know my husband had an affair. I know he went back to her whilst lying to me time and time again. He has treated me very badly but pretended to be a decent man.

3 weeks ago I found another phone (it must be about the 8th phone i've discovered over the last 3 years). I'm sure he's with the same woman. The problem is even though I'm going ahead with a divorce - I need to know the truth. I suppose I do know really but I have to see them for myself so that he can't carry on with this ridiculous act that he's been trying. It would just make me feel better to know.

I think I might be going slightly mad. I feel I could move on better just knowing. (it was after finding the phone that I FINALLY saw a solicitor. )

Hi Doris, I'm working on a college assignment so still up & just came on here to check how everybody was doing before going to bed. I also remember feeling like I was going mad. Equally I had so much "evidence" that xh was being unfaithful but I STILL had a doubt . These men can be v good at making you doubt yourself. Mine offered to take a lie detector test!! The whole thing wrecked my head & I went to great lenghts to find unquestionable proof. Probably drove myself half insane in the process but I think it was something I just had to do in order to be able to accept, heal & move on. I uncovered v painful stuff in my quest for the truth & perhaps life would have been a lot easier if I'd been able to just focus on what was happening & let go of my marriage. There is no right or wrong in this. This is your journey & you will do whatever is right for you. Trust in yourself. ((Hugs))

Patience, will be thinking of you & sending you lots of virtual support taking this v painful step. ((((((Hugs))))))

WQ, maybe I shouldn't say this but I think you need to be v careful about being pulled back in by xh atm. I don't see what he's done to change & if he did land back on your doorstep promising sun moon & stars, I'm wondering how long he'd manage to deliver?? Don't mean to be negative but would hate to see you having gone through all this pain only to go through it all again at some future point i.e. if he hasn't changed he'd cheat again at some point. If he is genuine, I think he would need to sort out his own issues before you could consider taking him back. Saying all of that we all have to do what's right for ourselves & I DID take xh back & I did have to go through it all again but I actually feel it helped me to let go of marriage & helped dc's to stop missing xh so much. So I guess you'll find your own way in all of this. Tis late, I've been doing college work & this prob makes no sense

Happy, I have every faith a s**g is coming your way .

Waves to Pink!

Hi all.

Insomnia rules ok.

Doris, I felt like not knowing drove me mad. XH did finally own up to the affair but it took a long time and even now, I have nothing but a name given and a county. In my case I've had dc issues that are more important than anything else so have put rest behind me.

Starting, don't work too hard, on the other hand, while norms away, I guess best to get the work out of the way.

Pumpkin, hope you are feeling ok.

Waves to Pink and all the crew.

BTW, prayers were said in church briefly the other day. Found a sweet one on a walk.

Morning everyone !

Happy you are a bit of an owl at the moment ! Hows everything with your ds ? Sorry to hear BE is being an arse. Hows work have you got your new boss yet ?

Doris I think Starting said what I think about whether you should go digging for evidence. If you are a regular on MN you will know that WWIFN and others think its vital to find out everything although thats in the context of deciding whether to forgive someone and continue in a marriage and I think I am right in saying you have had enough ? Exactly as starting says to me its a personal choice.

My ow came into the picture while our marriage was in its death throes and I found xh out rather than him confessing. This all happened before I had been on MN and looking back I am glad because it didnt occur to me to start checking his phone bill etc although now as a MNer I probably would iyswim ?

I finally noticed him being secretive and strange with his phone and had a look while he was asleep and found him out. I think once I found out I didnt really need to know more because that was enough for me. I would pay heed to Startings words about uncovering some v painful stuff . Personally I would rather not know but only you can decide.

WQ if he is serious about the possibilty of reconciliation and its something you would consider at the very least I would want him to live by himself for 6 months. If him wanting to "come back" means move in NO WAY like Pink said its courtesey of his behaviour you are no longer in the marital family home.

WQ this is the third time he has left you and obviously this time its gone a lot further but you arent divorced and could get back together. In truth though do you really miss him , is he such a prize that you would want to risk going back to the start of this journey again if he decided in 2 years time that "oh sorry WQ I am really confused and unhappy (again)and I am leaving (again)". Its bound to be tempting because you think it would lift you out of the painful process you are enduring but you have come such a long way and I think will be much happier you just have to give it more time.

Patience sending you parcel tape and hugs !!

Well I had a fab day out with my dc yesterday a real half term treat down in London. When the dc are young there are so many lovely things to with them (Tea, Willows Farm is fab btw)and have special days out but as they get to teens its much harder to please them ime.

Its the last day of half term and I am going to slob out and over indulge all day with the view that tomorrow heralds a new Campaign Me and My Future start! I have a list as long as my arm with good intentions eg get back to gym,drink less wine,cook proper meals for me just generally be perfect .

I posted elsewhere earlier how happy I am feeling at the moment and enjoying being me gettingeasier rather than being Mrs . Anyone lurking I wouldnt have thought I could be here one year on but I am !!

Anyway its very quiet on the thread these past few days so I hope thats because you dumplings are having fun and far too busy for MN

Waves to Pink,Littlecritter,Sov,Romney,Tea,Mumfun and anyone else

Morning everyone. Hope you all got an extra hour lie in. I'm still lurking but somewhat preoccupied with our new lab cross puppy, Wallace .

Hi, Doris. I know how you feel about finding out the truth. I'm obsessed with it and would go to almost any lengths to find out even a tiny detail. In fact, it's the details that I obsess about. Where did you have your first kiss? Where did you meet up? Who was looking after ds? Did you ever go out for a meal, to the cinema, ten pin bowling - things that a normal couple would do? All I get is I can't remember, it wasn't like that or I don't know. The one thing I definitely don't want to know is if they had a special song as I don't want a random reminder that might pop up on the radio for evermore. My situation is a bit different as OW was a family friend and we socialised with her H and DD, even went on holiday together once. Well, they turned up at the same place as us without an invitation - what a coincidence,eh?

Patience, I hope you are ok. When my first marriage broke up I left a huge house in a lovely area for a much smaller place in a dodgy area but the sense of achievment I felt was phenominal. It was the first time I had a property just in my name and it was really empowering. It really helped me move on.

WQ, be strong. My XP is also making noises about coming back. Finally, after 4 months he's started to say things like "if I stopped all contact with OW what would happen?" You may recall that OW is a colleague and even though the affair apparently ended over a year ago they still socialise together. Just Good Friends. Of course. WQ, do you think you could resist if your H really begged you? What would you do?

Must go. Puddle on the floor. Hello to Happy, Getting, Pink, Starting, Tea, Sov and everyone else. Way too many of us.

Getting

Hi All, I'm managing my time so badly at the moment so I'm thrilled I've got an extra hour today.

I'm finding the thread hard to keep up with but I do read most of it and think you're all amazing and the more I read in Relationships the more I really really don't like men much and REALLY DON'T want another one. I feel very content most of the time and don't have a man shaped hole in my life.

Happy, my libido is zero due to my increased anti ds but if I felt like you then I would seriously consider the services of a gigelo (sp). No strings, no does he doen't he, no angst, cheating, lying etc, just......whatever you want and then a nice bar of choc with a big happy sigh and a smile on your face .
If you name change to 'Happysigh' then we'll know you've done it.

Doris, please don't torture yourself with finding out all the sordid details, THEY DON'T MATTER. He's a lying cheating excuse for a man and that's all the detail you need IMHO. Details= emotional torture, added heartbreak and dark, negative, painful thoughts and we have enough of those allready don't we. Concentrate on your divorce and getting as much as you feel you deserve out of it and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good about yourself.

I think there's a saying 'the devil is in the detail' ?

The most beautiful white dove has just flown into my garden !

I used to imagine my xh in my head being as tiny as a kidney bean. I'd put him in a small black box and then for good measure I'd tape up all the holes in the box and there he'd stay (with all his fucking details till the next time I got upset and then I'd put him back in his box again. I suppose me being upset meant he'd got out. That was one of my little coping strattergies and it helped.

Patience, I think you've moved, good luck and well done. It must be so hard.

Hi to everyone else. xxx

LC I will be leaving a huge house in a good area for a small house (area tbc after financial settlement sorted ! ). I hope will be empowered too !! Glad you have your dog sorted is he from the rescue home ?

I think I am with Pink on the details of affair thing, I would torture myself with details. Any further thoughts Doris ?

Pink you sound happier in that last post than I have seen before

Off to buy chocolate

Just wish i had a chance to find somewhere i wanted to live rather than view a flat and move all in a week ,its just not 4 me i never want to move in these circumstances again,dont need a house move to feel empowered the doom left my cottage when X did just need to keep looking for somewhere else but v expensive to keep moving IYSWIM.Anyway will lose broadband soon so Chin up Tits out and all that and thanks for everyones support along the way !

are you saying you wont be able to use the internet after this weekend Patience ? There are internet cafes or something arent there ?

Omg patience hope you do manage to keep in touch.

All the best with you move we will miss you if you go xxxx

Patience you will just have to explain to your new landlord that you have key Dumpling duties to post regularly and that these days broadband is considered a utility like gas and electricity .

This is just a stepping stone in your new life Patience you will be back in the countryside again

Thanks starting for your response. It's amazing how we all go through the same emotions and crazy times. I am studying too. I feel like giving up at the moment because it feels too much - but it is also what is keeping me sane. I have a presentation to do next week and I keep coming on here instead of doing the work. Well i'll probably do it all tonight as usual.

Happy - that must be so frustrating not knowing the details. I have become quite a good detective so am quite hot on methods of looking for info. Probably not a good thing.

Getting - I'm sure you're right it's not healthy always looking. I'm glad you're feeling happier. I am struggling to imagine getting to that stage.

LC - I don't know how I would cope if I knew the woman (a friend even). I think it would have sent me over the edge. I probably would have had a fight which would of course be ridiculous but I don't know if I could contain myself. I'm not at all violent but when I think how hurt the children will be I could easily try and smack her one - H too of course.

Pink - I can't remember if it was you that said you'd been married 20 yrs ish and you had told him to leave as soon as you found our. If that is you i'm so impressed. I wish I had been like that. I will try to put him in a box maybe. I need to do something.

Patience - good luck with the move. It is so sad to have to leave your home. You are obviously a very strong lady and I'm sure you will be fine wherever you are.

I suppose there is no point in carrying on trying to look for even more evidence. (although I probably will) It has almost become part of my routine. I just need to accept it's over. (that is where i'm struggling)

I saw H today. Didn;t want to but had to pick up something from the house. At first sight he is just the same and I feel love for him just as I have always done. Then I have to remember he has lied, cheated and lied some more. He is not who he appears to be.

We haven;t told the children that it's over. We were hoping to wait until the summer post GCSE;s etc (my idea mainly) I don't know how I can pretend for that long.(not since the other phone and other clues etc) He said we can still be friends. I've been thinking about this. Of course it's easy for him to say that. He's the one who's cheated. I have tried my hardest to save our marriage giving him the benefit of the doubt too many times.If I had cheated and he had tried I would probably want to be his friend too. How can you be friends with someone who has treated you like shit.

I am so, so angry today. I hate what he has done. I really hate it and I think I hate him. He said how can we keep it from the children? I asked him what did he think he was going to do each time he sneaked back to the ow. How did he think he was going to explain things to the children then. The truth is of course - he didn't think of them. He just thought of his own selfish desire. I said I am out of ideas. It was me who has tried to think of ways to make things ok for the past 3 years. So I left. It is lovely to get back to my house. The children were doing things for halloween and they are so beautiful and kind and I wanted so much to save our marriage not only for myself but for them too.

((hugs)) Doris. I can see with GCSE's why you'd want to keep it from the DCs but that it a terrible burden to bear

Do you live in the house with DCs and H lives elsewhere? Or am I confused, as surely living under the same roof as him until next Summer is over would be too painful. You do need some boundaries to help you at this time. Having an amicable relationship is something that is only possible further down the road when the dust has settled and providing you both respect each other still and the all important boundaries. Right now as you deal with the rush of emotions and the pain of the loss it's tricky. However with the passage of time things get easier.

it = is

Sorry

Btw the wedding on Friday was wonderful. DD kept telling me that she wanted to get married and where was her prince, all day. LOL I saw lots of old friends too. H had food poisoning and didn't come, but I wouldn't have minded if he was there tbh. He looked after DS in the evening as he was recovering by then and DD and I went to the evening reception where she danced away and had a fab time posing for the cameras. She really loved it, thought the bride was a princess.

Yesterday I saw my parents and we went to a model village in Beaconsfield. Both DCs had a great time and best of all the grandparents paid for it.

So all is well here in teaandcake land. Got to go DS has woken for some reason be back later x

Hi Doris. I feel your pain. I still have a lot of anger. Sometimes I think it has tipped me over the edge. I have had a couple of major outbursts but no violence (yet) . I have deeply humiliated the pair in a very calculated way and without humiliating myself in the process. Fortunately, XP says he totally understands why I am so angry. I try to tell myself to keep my dignity but I am very hot headed. I'll get over it one day and as I said to XP, nothing I do can be as bad as what they have already done. Poor excuse really but I still sleep with a clear conscience. I don't know how you can possibly keep this situation from your children. You will send yourself over the edge if you try to do that, in my opinion.

Glad you had a good day, Tea. A wedding would be very difficult for me right now. I'm so pleased you had a fab time.

I think as they were very good friends it helped LC. Known them for years and it was at St Albans Abbey which DD thought was a castle on arrival. LOL I think DD made the day for me, more than anything, with her cuteness.

Waves to all......

Tea, so glad you enjoyed wedding. My dd is similiar age & they can be so cute at that age bless them .

Doris, try to keep going with the study, it'll give you a focus & boost your confidence no end. There were times in the earlier days when I came v close to packing it all in but I am so glad now that I didn't. It also had the bonus of prob keeping me sane at times. Lol at your detective skills, I'm the same . Perhaps we should combine our skills & set up a female detective agency lol . Good luck with your presentation. I often lacked focus too (still do lol have two assignments I should be doing right now!) & often just stayed up the night before I'd to hand them in! The anger is to be expected. I have a beanbag that came in v handy to kick when I was overcome with anger! I agree that it's prob too much to expect to keep this from dc's until the summer.

LC, hope you are feeling more positive atm. Agree that focusing too much on details etc can be like a form of self torture. Hope your new addition is bringing you comfort.

Pink, lol at "Happysigh". Glad things are going well for you atm

Patience, sending you virtual support & really hope you get the broadband sorted so that you will be able to keep us updated.

Getting, hope you enjoyed your day of indulgence & good luck with your campaign for tomorrow .

Happy, glad you've found a nice church to bring you comfort atm . Hope you managed to catch up on some sleep.

Hi Everyone - hope you have all had a better weekend than I have.

I went to the cinema with DH sister on Friday which was nice, was sent home from work yesterday as I was ill, felt so sick so spent the day in bed. Felt a lot better today, but still feeling sad and frustrated from conversation with DH on Thursday.

Doris - I am nearly 4 months down the line and still in a bad way, I hope you get stronger quicker than I am. I still havent got any answers as DH cant seem to give me any. I have never asked anything about their relationship as I agree with Pink and Getting that it would be torture knowing. When my 1st DH left for another woman I did ask all the questions, and I felt so sick knowing that they had had sex in his car etc, I really doesnt help to know, so didnt ask this time.

LC - hope everything is going well with Wallace. I have met so many lovely people while dog walking.

Patience - Good luck with everything and hurry back to the dumplings, we need you.

Tea - I live near to Bekonscot, pleased you had a good day.

There has been a lot of good advice from you all to Doris and I also liked the advice to WQ re DH coming back. I suppose I read it trying to convince myself that I wouldnt want DH back when faced with the advice you are giving, but as you all know that isnt the case I would still love him back but he is still infatuation with his younger OW.

Have a good Monday ladies.

I shouldn't be back here I just put the internet on to look up autism (for my presentation).

You lot really are amazing spending the time to answer my posts.

I have kept this from the children for 3 years already. There were times when he spent weeks at a time with her and I managed not to tell them. Admittedly I had hope then so I thought it was for the best. However, I think if I can it will be good to wait for the summer as I will be at home (not studying) They will have 6 weeks holiday to start to adjust and exams will be over. I know what you mean though. How can I contain this hurt. Perhaps if I can wait I will be in a good place to just devote myself to them rather than show them the pain i'm going through. Gawd knows.

I do know far too many details already. It's not really the finer details i'm after anymore. I just want to know how long it's been back on as H is trying to act all innocent as if he has been such an angel for the last year and I KNOW he hasn;t.

Ok I'll shut up and get back to my project. Just ignore me. It just helps writing all this crap down.

Morning all.

Doris I know this is much smaller scale but we kept the fact xg was moving out secret for a month leading up to last christmas to try and give the dc one last family christmas. I found it a real strain but it was also the strain of pretending to the outside world that everything was normal. How many of your friends and family know whats going on ? Until you can be open it must be hard to get the support that you need , without that it makes coping very hard.

If this has been going on for 3 years isnt it likely that your dc will know something is wrong ? I think sometimes they can be almost relieved when the split comes especially if there has been an atmosphere in the house. My dc were 10 and 13 when it happened and I had been consumed with misery about how they would react and they have been fine. The only other thing that I thought is that what if this ends up blowing up next spring just before the GCSEs ? Perhaps by dealing with it now you are giving your dc sufficient time to recover and stay on track ?

I am sorry Doris this must be so hard and I am guessing its you doing all the worrying about it and not your dh.

Romney nice to hear from you and sorry you are having a rubbish time. I think 4 months is still very early days so dont be hard on yourself that you are low and struggling. Do keep posting it does help to let it out.

Starting glad all is well

Well today heralds a new me . I have been really lax about a lot of stuff this last month or so and it ends up making me feel bad about myself. On the basis that quite a bit of my life is currently out of my control it would be nice to control the thing I can !

The main thing is to stop eating constantly, I am a classic comfort eater and have put on a couple of stone which is ok but needs to be reined in before it becomes depressing. I am not a diet person so just a case of sticking to meals and not drinking wine every night. It sounds so easy doesnt it

Also I need to talk to xh about a few things including Christmas which I have been putting off but need to do.

As well as all that I am focusing on being in the moment and not worrying about stuff that doesnt need to be thought about today.

Sorry to go on but by typing this all out I am hoping to strengthen my resolve

I hope everyone is ok especially Sov ?

WQ hows it going I hope my advive wasnt too harsh yesterday..

Tea glad you enjoyed the wedding St Albans cathedral is stunning , I bet your DD looked really cute

LC dog walking is apparently a great way to meet people ..

Anyway waves to all hope everyone enjoys their day as much as they can

Our new puppy Wallace is gorgeous. We have all fallen in love with him and he has settled in really well. Unfortunately, we can't take him out for walks yet as he hasn't had his vaccinations yet. Looking forward to meeting other dog walkers. I've never had a dog before.

Romney, Doris, I'm feeling a bit low at the moment too. Lots of negative feelings - anger, bitterness, disgust, frustration. One of the difficulties is that xp takes so long to process thoughts and information. 4 months on and he asks what would happen if he cut all contact with ow but it might take him another 2 weeks to come to a conclusion on that . On the other hand, I make decisions fairly quickly and then become impatient when there isn't instant action. So the problems are just compounded as I get frustrated by his time wasting. I simply haven't got time to waste. He's sitting in a hotel licking his wounds but I'm busy living my life.

Getting, I'm worried about Xmas too. Usually I have to work over Xmas so it is fairly low key for us as a family but sods law this year it looks like I'm off Xmax Eve and Xmas Day, just working Boxing Day night. XP is expecting to be here with me and ds but older kids won't speak to XP and he's too ashamed to face them. I will be on the vino by 10am I'm sure .

Hope it's a good Monday for everyone. Schools are back here .