ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

patience - very hard to maintain calm throughout all that has happened over the past couple of days i can tell you.

hoping everything goes ok with house.

Seems rather convenient that now she's gone he's crying to you about "woe is me"? [bitter and twisted emoticon] I'd find it terribly hard. My H certainly went through big periods of making out he was unwell whilst in his emotional turmoil and hiding the affair etc. Truthfully in my gut I felt he was exagerating and I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been at the time Possibly influencing this post as I remember that time. I could really tell you some stories on some of the stuff he claimed.

I'd also find it irritating how I hardly heard from him whilst she was here and now she's gone, he comes running. Bleurgh! Men!

How are you feeling about it all? Are you ok?

i am completely flabbergasted tea,

when he told me what he thought was wrong (life threatening illness) my first reaction was to hug him, it was just my reflex and he stood there stiff as a board. he was sobbing and telling me how frightened he was so i hugged him, like a kind person would and he just froze. i tried to get more info off him than "i think i have XXXX" but he would not tell me more.

i hope to god he isn't ill, that would be awful.

i also hope to god this is not a convenient exaggeration to get himself back in my good backs after ow has gone back.

but i keep thinking to myself - why do i get all the shitty parts of him, his ow seemed to not have any of this crap whilst she was here - she got the best bits of him, dinners, holidays, presents. I get the crap.

i just really want to be able to get on with my life without feeling i am in an episode of east-enders. i want the dramatic episodes over now.

i still love the old h, i can't seem to shake that off - but the more he acts like this the more he is turning into a man i could never love.

good books I meant !!!!!!![ smile]

Anyway I am going out for a meal tonight with my friend, hopefully that will take my mind off it.

What does he say he has? When did he find out?

I am sceptical but I truly hope he isn't ill. It just seems bizarre how it all comes out after she's left and you didn't really hear from him whilst she was here.

You must be feeling so confused now.

Morning.

AB I am confused , when did your H get this diagnosis ? As you say how come he was able to skip through 2 weeks with ow happy as Larry if he had a life threatening illness hanging over him ? It all sounds a bit odd to be honest ,do you think it could be attention seeking now his ow has gone? How are you feeling now ow has gone? I would find it hard not to wonder what was going to happen next ie was it a holiday or will they see each other again.

Its another gorgeous day here and when I have posted I should be hauling my backside to the gym and then this afternoon I am looking at a couple of houses.

Get the dc back tonight and I am really looking forward to half term with them ,I am intending to make the most of the fact I am not working yet and spend some nice time with them. For all the downsides of being a single parent and having to deal with homework,arguments etc on your own I am just so glad I am not the one who sees their dc one night a week and every other weekend. In my case in 7 years they will be adults and that time will be gone forever and I know I am making the most of it.

I had a quick glance at the MLC site Mumfun posted and really think xh has been in the grip of a form of mental illness/depression and his decision making for years has been affected by that. I seriously think at some point in the future, however far away, he will wonder if his low opinions of me were actually justified and that perhaps after all it was him with the problem. I doubt it will last but on that basis today I am feeling sorry for him .

Quite often I feel cross about how I spent the last 2 years we were together fighting for our marriage, trying to be the woman he would love but looking at it from a different angle I am glad I can say I did everything I could and my hands are clean iyswim ? Maybe if I had understood a bit more about MLC and had been able to be more detached and analytical I could have improved my chances of saving our marriage but I know I did the best I could at the time.

This is all uppermost in mind not because I am feeling sad about our split but for our dc. The incident in the week re parents evening has set me thinking at length about the dc and how different their lives are. Last night I was at a friends and all the h's and the dc were there having fun but mine were with xh. My dc will hear about this evening and how much fun they all had and know they missed out. They have to pack a weekend bag every other weekend and to and fro between us. I have no real idea about how they feel about spending so much time with ow and her family but because of their ages they have no choice. Of course it may be that they are fine with it all and at least I am fairly sure ows dc make a fuss of them and are sensitive to the situation.

I suppose in terms of the lives of dc globally my dc having to put up with what they do is hardly the end of the world and I need to keep perspective on it all.

Anyway ladies dont know why I am so full of ramblings today !!

Waves to all , hope you are ok Happy ? Everyone else have a lovely day

hi getting

i think they are looking at her moving here tbh, she seems very loved up at least. i am actually finding it hard to fathom out all the timings tbh, according to him he has spent only 4 weeks in total in her company (but over a period of around 5 months) the rest of the time communication is via e-mail skype etc. and now he tells me she might come here to live - i have not asked if they will live together. seriously who in their right mind knows someone for this little time, (whilst going through a divorce) and then moves ow from another side of the world to live here - looking at it from an outsider's point of view he seems to be going though sort or MLC/breakdown - i am not defending him here btw i just DON'T UNDERSTAND.

he has not had a diagnosis i think docs have told him he could have xxxxx(don't want to say on here but i think you know what i mean)and he has to go for more tests soon. he is very vague about it all.

i know what you mean getting about being at gatherings like the one you were at yesterday and it feeling odd - sometimes i feel like i should have a big sticker on my forehead saying "single mum" - i don't know about you but it is the pitying looks i can't abide - i hate people feeling sorry for me.

and i can't believe i hugged him [blus

Hugging him is a nice thing to do AB and in fairness if he is ill then its a shock. Dont forget its still early days and something as primal as that is major and its a long established habit to care for him just as for him he has turned to you in tears and for solace. I really hope he is ok AB for all our xhs are twunts we wouldnt wish them to be ill.

Btw keep forgetting to say your Byeeeee to ow made me lol !

Funnily enough as time goes on amongst the group of friends I mentioned recently they are more likely to be looking at me with envy than pity because I dont have a load of relationship rubbish to cope with . I got there late last night because I had had a fab day out in London and am really happy these days and they are starting to see now I am not up and down that my situation does have its upsides !!

AB - sounds like there's a lot of painful stuff being thrown at you there, with OW possibly moving here too as well as fb revelations the other day and then on top of that pain you're now dealing with an X who may possibly have xxxx. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. My posts this morning were hurried but if they were inconsiderate I apologise. Big ((hugs)) lovely. Hope you're ok.

As Getting said it's nice to hug him, you're a kind and lovely person and heard something shocking

Oh FFS AB we couldnt make this stuff up could we,just when we think they couldnt be anymore bonkers they want us 2b their rock thru troubled times ,they are kids eh!Well mine is anyway ,X saw kids for an hour today ,long story ,but full of self pity so couldnt manage any longer but i let him sit and watch telly in the house with them as i had to take dcs out later and easiest option for me.Bloody hell i am well on my way.Sometimes i still wobble but today when he was pouring out his troubles all i heard was "LA LA LA LA"I made everyone rolls and sausages and we watched rainbow fairies on tv,we even bought him a t shirt for his birthday.Honestly i had no feelings of reconcilliation ,just thought oh FFS What Now?.
I have started reading the co dependency no more book and this was a quote i thought was good re detatchment....it is not detatching from the person whom we care about,but detatching from the agony of involvement......So you still have 2 people either end of the wire but if you allow a connection when you still have feelings 4 the person you will get hurt.I have realised that an essential in my next relationship is someone that actually considers my feelings and doesnt go out of their way to deliberatly hurt and disrespect me everyday,ROFL,i might have taken a while to get here but im catching up fast.I just looked at him today and thought ,bloody hell I have had a really lucky escape here.
Thats a real first for me,its not so much that i have given up hope ,its just that my life has moved on past him very quickly and im not going back to try and rescue him anymore.He doesnt have me an his narc supply anymore and it is textbook how he is falling apart .He knows he has no power over me now ,but the thing that underlines the narc bit for me is how he still thinks everyone else are arseholes and he is right.Oh well

Morning ladies.

I need some advice.

My dc are now very involved with ow and her family, this week they are going to her grandsons birthday party. They are happy about this and want to go.

The problem is I am really struggling with this. Its like they have a whole other life with people I wouldnt know if I passed in the street. It feels bad enough that xh has this great big new ready made family but drawing them into it as well ?

Of course I know theres nothing I can do about it but I need to stop obsessing about it. How ?

I dread the time when H and the OW live together and I have to suck it up and let that woman spend time with my DCs. I already sometimes feel like she has stolen my H and my childrens father from them, to then get to enjoy my children as well. Fills me with rage. Let alone the anger, injustice and jealousy I would feel if things were like your situation Getting. Do you have a good friend or counselor you can share your feelings with? As letting go and dealing with your feelings in this situation will take time. You won't just be able to switch them off. I cannot do justice to your feelings in a typed message but I can imagine how difficult it must be for you. You need good friends or a counselor you can really talk to about all this. ((hugs))

Getting, I think that's really hard.

I don't know the answer.

Focus on the fact that its important for the dcs to be happy and that if they can enjoy themselves, despite what's happened, that's wonderful?

And also on the fact that your happiness is the other important thing. You are happier without him and therefore, the other stuff does not matter?

Hi getting

Has the time that your dcs spend with ow been ramped up recently?I have no idea what to advise because I struggled with ow seeing my kids for a few hours!!

Have you always felt this uncomfortable with it ?

Getting - I remember whey my exH used to want our children to go out with him and OW, the feeling was just awful, and although I never said anything against exH to or in front of my DC, they felt bad going as they knew it hurt me so much. Luckily they chose not to go too often.

I always felt they could give them the family unit, lots of fun when I was doing the parenting on my own and all the discipline.

I cant really give you much advice as I felt the same as you.

i have been thinking about what you said getting, about not knowing about a huge part of your dcs life that they have with ow and her family

i can only imagine the hurt that this causes you,

but it is at times like this that we have to remember that WE are their mothers and nothing could replace a mothers love.

I imagine that as it is all quite new for your dcs they find it a novel and interesting new thing to go and do (spend time with ow and her children) but i think if you can come to terms with this and cope with this then there is really nothing more that your situation could throw at you after that - this bit (in my opinion) is the worst part, letting ow spend time with your precious children, but once we have this sorted and can cope with this then there is really nothing more in the process that could make us us i think - don't worry about thinking about it alot it is just your brain processing it and coming to terms with it all.

i take some comfort from this anyway and wanted to share it with you.

patience - ultra well done on your detaching and you made me laugh out loud when you said you would have gone off Celtic style - i can't seem to get that scenario out of my head for some reason (keeps making me smile) and this has given me strength to actually flex my Anglo Saxon muscles at h and ow today!!! It felt good

Hi I have been at computers.

Thanks for for responding.

I think the dc are spending a lot more time amongst ows family but also its more that they are more open about it to me sensing that I am "ready" to deal with that. A couple of weeks ago for some reason they stayed overnight at ows which was a first and crossed a line with me. Since then I have been more tuned into what they are doing re ow.

I think as you say Tea its a case of letting it go and as with every other miserable stage of this process there are no short cuts and I will simply have to wait for time to pass and I will get used to it. At least I know that time passing does lessen pain and I will just have to wait it out.

Happy logically you are right since I dont want to be with xh what does the rest matter.Part of it is jealousy that they have all got this entire other life going on meanwhile I havent and it does feel horrible that my dc are now part of her life. For instance while I was at Mums dd went to a close friend of mine for the day and I found out that ow not xh had picked her up. Its getting used to the fact that I am simply out of the equation where my own dc are concerned.

Anyway the most important thing is that the dc are happy with it all and I know they are. OW has 5 dc who are mostly much older and as far as I can make out they are kind to my dc and I imagine its a lot of fun at family gatherings.

I think part of my difficulty is that I have been lucky enough to be a SAHM and have never had anyone else involved with the dc at all which probably doesnt help !

Oh AB ,I asked xh to keep ow away from them and for the first couple of months. He did but she has gradually been weaned in and I decided to bow to the inevitable and accept it rather than make a big issue of it.

Hope everyone is having a good day

Xpost AB yes I too think that this is the worst and hopefully last emotional hurdle and once I have accepted this I will have cracked it !!

Also one of these days you never know the boot might be on the other foot and we'll see how xh enjoys it. I know thats against the serenity code but sometimes I just want to be a wife scorned cutting up his clothes instead of a dumpling !!!

Hi Getting,

I think your H is being so insensitive involving your dc with the ow so quickly.

You're dealing with it amazingly well though you really are. x

hi pink , how are you?

Totally understand feelings re dc'c and ow. Over my dead body is how I feel about it. However, my older dc's have a great relationship with their dad's partner but she was never an ow and that is a big difference. DD treats her like a second mum and I don't mind at all, I think it's lovely especially as she hasn't got a daughter herself. But, ow? No way could I handle that! She's welcome to xp but she can keep her dirty mitts of my children. Sorry, not very helpful but that's how I feel.

I've been lurking for the past few days. Worked the weekend and busy getting ready for a new addition to the family - found another rescue dog .

awwww lc - great to hear about the dog, have you brought it home yet?

Ok away to pick up ds but i think Getting my plan is always to imagine myself handling a situation the way i aspire to ie think of yourself a year from now ideally serene and at peace with this ,that would be my vision and step by step i would aspire to get there.
Other thing is remember the dcs are not our property they are individuals with their own feelings and life experiences and as long as they are safe ,this experience with their father is all part of their life journey and we offer them love and stability while they spend time with us.Not invalidating your hurt today Getting at all as you know i havent had to deal with it at all but learning to detatch not obsess when they are all together would be my aim x

Just to add although it is not v often when X takes the kids to his parents i have to hand them over to 3 adults that i do not trust.Both inlaws refuse to talk to me on the telephone and X is far from stable although his mother doesnt think there is anything wrong with him[all my fault].I dont know if he is offered drink in their house but i cant let myself worry about it i am just glad when they are safe home and i try not to react.
That is what my book is saying ,i must learn not to react ,just deal with situation in a calm and serene way,makes more sense and i will try and get to that point but at least even if i react i dont want to control anyone i tend to react because i have a lot goin on just now but working towards the serenity of Perdita in 101 dalmations.