ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

hi sov, don't do choc and sweet stuff that much - never had a sweet tooth.

well done for being detached, have a lovely evening with your friend.

AB - your evening sounds lush. I'm doing a 6 week course on how to move on after separation/ divorce. So not quite the same as it stops soon. However this support group sounds great, go.

As for churches advice. Try a few different ones, feel the vibe, see how welcoming they are, read the notice sheets you're given and see what their social events are etc. And eventually once you've found one that feels like home, perfect! Every church is different. I like modern band worship such as Vineyard churches. However I grew up in a lovely CofE typical church. So many different ones out there, you'll find one to suit when you want to go, whether it's just special occasions like Carol Services, Christingle, Midnight Mass, Easter or going once a month, or whatever etc.

Sov - ((hugs)) lovely you're doing so well, strong lady x

How are you feeling now tea ?

Good until I read this Dickshits thread especially his comments at 5.15pm ish today. Must rise above, must rise above....

Going to find a glass of wine. Well deserved after finishing my TMA this morning. My H bought me the bottle of wine the other day, as he knows I never buy any as I'm so broke. Seeing him and FIL tomorrow, if the DCs are well and happy we'll head into London and take them to the Science Museum as its free Only 45 mins drive, or a little longer by public transport.

you know what tea? so impressed that you can accept a bottle of wine from your h.

i saw that thread too - what a muppet that man is.

well done on your tma - i remember my tma days

I'm a year down the line from separation though and he is being remarkably supportive and considerate despite still seeing the OW. For that I am grateful as so many have it worse than me

Feeling suitably squifey after 1 glass lightweight

Off to watch The Mentalist, love it.

Tea - Im pleased your ex is being supportive and you seem to be doing very well, I dont know if I will ever get to the acceptance stage, I know I have to but am finding it very hard.

Armbow - well done for the facebook episode, you did really well and I pleased you spoke to your cousin and sorted that out.

Sov - well done for being aloof Im sure that was hard.

DH rang today as we had to sort some legal stuff out, I asked him again about saying that he didnt think he loved her, so why had he made the decision he had, he said I have made my bed and I have to lie on it for the time being!! I also asked him if the grass was greener, to which he replied it isnt at the moment, and that the grass was green at home anyway, do you think it will get greener for him and OW? He also still insists that he cares about me and still loves me, my goodness what on earth is going on in his head and obviously in my head. I also said a friend thinks that one day our paths will cross again and he sent me a text saying I hope our paths will always be visible. Whatever that means. He also told me that things are very difficult at the moment between him and OW because of all the things that are going on at the moment with life and work.

Hope your dont mind me posting this as I am trying to fathom out my thoughts, I know to move on I have to loose hope but I cant at this moment in time. Sorry.

Quickly.

Romney - the questions you are asking were solved for me by reading up about Midlife Crisis. The men are in such a state they dont do anything sensible- they cant think straight etc etc. See if I can find anything quick and useful.

Happy -hope most positive things happening tonight for you

AB - have heard good things of divorce support groups so would definitely try. Ughh re your H and his lies. Glad that one is sorted. I have to be careful with FB. My OW is on FB of the friend of a friend but dont think thats a problem. I dont want to give up FB as I like the photos of close friends.If there were any issues re OW I would delete the friend involved and explain why.

Hi -to everyone else - got to run and clear up for the night. It has been a busy busy day when Ive not stopped!

Romney: A quote:

It is not that the Midlifers do not care, but rather that they must shield themselves from caring. They feel they must do whatever it is they are doing even when internally admitting it is wrong. They steel themselves emotionally; but they are not without guilt; rather I believe that for many it is the opposite. Their guilt is so immense that the burden is overwhelming. They are running from the demons within themselves and from the burdening reminders of guilt from the spouse, whether she is actively laying guilt or not. In addition, OWs add guilt by forcing responsibility for their happiness and success on the midlifer, and then by punishing him when he cycles between her and his wife.

Midlifers are not always aware of their actions. There is an awareness within each moment, but a global absence of awareness; this only becomes clear later. Driven by emotions, Midlifers are moment and self focused and often unable to link consequences and understand the relation of their behaviour to the external world. Their memory becomes fuzzy; though they may be aware of their actions during each present moment, in clarity they may not recall what takes place during fog and vice versa.

from this site
www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/midlife-crisis-overview.html

not perfect and a bit academic in places but some useful info

Some thought provoking stuff in here from a man who went through a lot of it:

www.menweb.org/crossoul.htm

Rom his brain is in BONKERSLAND if it were a fairground he jumps from carousel ,to ghost train to rollercoaster .This is why people will tell you to detatch as we only get hurt
thru this phase.I agree re guilt my X is truly eaten up with guilt.Started my co dependence book and one bit truly summed my life up ,while my X was doing all of the above from Mumfuns post, although drink was the other woman he left me for,his pain was numbed by the booze but the co dependent[me] feels every ounce of pain because we do it sober ,no wonder we get so screwed up.
Computer had a virus so away to a laptop spa for general health check and treatments,got it back 2nite.
Dont ever apologise for having hope Rom but just keep nourishing urself,post what you like,i always typed loads some never got posted but the typing was v good 4 me,big hugs you are doin great x
AB he is a sleakit bstd ur X ,dontcha just find it pushes them further away,big respect to you ,i would have flipped it in a volatile celtic fashion and the whole world would have felt the rumble so i stand in awe of ur serenity ,yes tai chi thoroughly recommended for tranquility x
Went to CAB today and lady said i was remarkably strong considering all that was happening she said most people would be on their knees in tears by now ,i just laughed and said they can come and have a go if they think they are hard enough but they will need to form an orderly queue as there are so many folk i have to deal with at the moment.Clock ticking re house eviction so going to seek legal advice next week.All going tits up but seeing as i just dont give a flying fuck anymore shall find out my rites .

Please dont feel bad about how you interact with ur X Rom ,i did exactly the same because i was in so much shock and i loved him so much and had done for 16yrs.I wanted desperately for it to work and did everything i could ,but he was on this mixed up journey and eventually i had to let go.Everyone can tell you what is the healthiest way to do it but v difficult to just break loose if he is giving you this chance of interaction,but ultimately I was wanting any scraps of interaction even if it was all negative to me.In the end his negativity pushed me away ,but mf post rings true over and over to me.I truly think in 2yrs time even less my X will sit shaking his head thinking what have i done ,how could i hurt my family like that ,but now a year on from first revelations i am at a place of acceptance re my marriage and what i had to do for my kids.At the start Rom i was the classic toddler grabbing at his ankles evrytime he left the house after visiting the kids,i had zero dignity he was my whole life ,i NEVER imagined 3 would be stronger than 4 ,but we are .I think my X will come out the other side of this more true to himself / but he could also be taken from us thru his drinking but i am at a place now when i know it is his journey and i cant do anything i have to detatch to survive emotionally.

Thanks Mumfun and Patience, I shall have a good read and see what I can do to try and detach.

Good morning all, I hope you have a good and happy weekend with no stress, its raining cats and dogs at heathrow.

Patience - Was thinking on the way to work, how do you detach or how long did it take you to detach, speaking to DH yesterday was so frustrating but like you, I still crave that contact. He said he would come and see me next week, but I was actually thinking there doesnt seem much point, as what have we got to talk about, cant talk about the past, present or future? He is some alien doing his own thing, I always hoped that it wasnt a Midlife Crisis as reading another forum solely for midlife crisis it makes depressing reading, it seems they do eventually return to the real world but it can take a long time, I suppose by that stage I will have hopefully detached and moved on with my life.

In a way I feel sorry for him (not for what he has done to me, as he deserves the guilt etc for that) but that he is ruining his life, his OW is young enough to be his daughter so in reality (which he doesnt have at the moment) it is highly unlikely to last, which I do think he knows but doesnt want to face this fact (maybe its only wishful thinking and it will last the test of time).

Sorry for my ramblings, its lack of sleep, being very confused and a rainy saturday morning at work.

AB definitly go to the support group - why wouldnt you at least check it out ? Your xh is a piece of work , it will be interesting to see what he does next now his ow has returned to whence she came.

Hello Patience - laptop spa - glad you are back and sorry to hear you're still struggling to find somewhere to live. You still sound on good form and really strong.

Rom tg my xh never gave a whiff of indecision once he left. In the couple of months before he left he kept giving out confusing messages (he was here for a while after telling me he thought it was over)but I quickly realised he was just keeping doors open until he felt comfortable walking through each one and actually he was definitly leaving. Its different for all of us though.

Mum fun thanks for the links I will be having a look later. Its universally felt that that is what my xh is undergoing and in fact the only hint I have had since he left that he has self doubt is he said to me in the summer he still doesnt think hes having a MLC which to me suggests the opposite.

Tea can I ask a personal question ? Do you think your good relations and acceptance of your xh has anything to do with your faith ? I ask because everything he put you through is ,for me, worse than anything my xh did yet I am unable to behave with my xh in the way you do even though I would very much like to. I know there are lots of differences in the details of our situations but I just find your attitude and approach to him amazing [respect emoticon]. Enjoy your weekend knowing you got your essay done

Well I feel very odd this morning. Last night I went to a friends house , there are 4 of us who take it turns to host and we have been doing this about 4 years. Right at the start of the evening she said she had seen xh at a wedding reception held at place where he drinks and ow works. I said oh you must have seen ow then. It turned out my friend went to school with ow and knows a bit about her. I had to hide it as I didnt want to kill the evening but I felt sick. Dont know why really I suppose it was the last thing in the world I was expecting to crop up. Thankfully I was driving so I couldnt just start necking wine.

Last night I had long vivid ow and xh dreams and for the first time ever woke up this morning still dreaming in tears.

I feel like I am going backwards on this. For such a long time I have been able to recognise that my marriage was over before she came into the picture so she isnt relevant. She has worked at that bar for 9 years and wasnt a new person who came along and stole xhs heart. She provided a shoulder when he was in melt down and the rest is history.

Why all this time later does the fact he is with her cause such upset ? I wonder if at some level its just jealousy that he has someone with all that entails and I dont. God I dont know but its doing my head in I just want the pair of them to fuck off out of my thoughts and dreams

Sorry to go on but I have to get this out.

Sov hope you had a nice evening with your friend, nice to be with someone you can vent to in RL. I am feeling a bit like I have had my quota of friends time on all this iyswim.

Waves to everyone see you later

A little but also because he has recognised that what he did was wrong and told me so. He respects my boundaries, he won't introduce the OW until the children are older and they are at least living together, he always see's the DCs when he says he will. If I contact him with a query he gets back to me etc. He respects me still and backs me up with his parents etc. It's much easier in my situation than a lot of others on here and he's been very decent in the whole divorce.

Off out in a mo.

Waves to all & hope everyone is doing ok...

Getting, Those dreams can be horrific ((Hugs)). I used to have terrible ones too (more like nightmares only stuff was really happening)) & often woke up v shaken or crying too. For myself when this happened I think it was my brain just processing stuff & I always seemed to move on a bit more within a few days. Hope this will be the case for you too.

Well Norm departed y'day for one of the most remote parts of the globe doing charity work & so I'll most likely have no contact for next 10 days. I gave him a good send off anyway to keep him going for duration lol . I can now officially vouch that there is truth in the whole oxytocin bonding debate as I've become v attached to my Norm .

Rom my X left and didnt come back on boxing day,my bubble was burst 2 months b4 i found out his drinking was out of control.I didnt know where he was staying or what he was doin for the first time in 15yrs ,he ignored me ie didnt speak when he came to visit the kids ,i would go out then on return he would say cheerio to the kids and walk by me like i was a stranger.I was like who the feck is he.But I learned to accept not to expect reasonable behaviour from someone incapable of giving it.I would anticipate what his reaction would be ie ignore me ,no affection etc and i could prepare myself for it so it didnt hurt me anymore.Next step accepting i didnt cause it,I cant control it,and i cant cure it.That it from Alanon but i think it is appropriate for you too.Its about self preservation in the beginning,not taking it personally because its THEIR problem not urs.Detatchment for me was not worrying he was dead in the gutter everynite I couldnt control him but i could control myself.I got on with my life i started reading and put myself first ,i dont feel guilty for doin something purely and utterly for me.I had spent so long looking after him i had forgotten to celebrate me and that took my mind off him,I knew that if he did want to come back being strong and independent would be the way to go and if he didnt come back then this was the start of my single life so i didnt want to sit around moping being a victim,wallowing always intensifies my negative emotions ,not saying its like that for everyone but 4 me i need to create positive situations to encourage me out of a negative one its a self disciple i reckon i learned as a young woman in darker times .
But detatchment to me is switching off not obsessing and occupy urself.I know it is long but start at the beginning of this thread Rom and you will see how in love i was with my X ,i would have taken any scraps at the start but it is so good for me i did this journey ,i am coping better now that at any other time in my life x

So timescale was end of Jan started to think feck him and started dipping my toe in the water of detatchment,very wobbily to start with but keep repeating the 2 Cs u cant control or cure the problem and dont look to him to fix ur emotional turmoil because thats ur job.Bloody hard work Rom but i look at life in a completely different way now,i have nearly got to a consistent place re acceptance.I n the beginning and up until v recently i couldnt see him without crying.Now the physical attraction is gone.
I feel completly and utterly single and celebrate that.I dont go over and over why he did it or even what he did because that is just giving life to negative situations that will bring me down,instead i concentrate on peace ,happiness and achieving and if someone recognises and respects my sparkle so be it if not me and the kids will be cool cos we are all living in a bigger picture now !

Thanks Patience and well done, I hope I become as strong as you are now.

I wrote a long message to you this morning Rom and then my anti virus updated and restarted the pc without warning me and I lost it before I hit "post" I ran out of time before leaving and couldn't re-type it.

I'm not entirely convinced I'm completely detached from my H even now. I still care about him, I just do not love him now. I have accepted my marriage is over, which took a long time. I spent ages hoping we'd work things out, even though separated. Try not to compare yourself too much with where each of us is at but accept you are where you are and each day things will improve a little. You're further behind on this painful road. Post whatever you need to on here to vent or share, your journey will be unique to you and your situation and we'll all support you every step of the way. Even if you try again with your H at some point, we'll all still be here for you whatever happens. ((group hug)) Just kidding on the group hug. Feeling silly.

My post this morning was quite profound I thought but I cannot remember quite what I said now [goldfish memory emoticon]

Good day in London with FIL and H, no awkward discussions, just a pleasant day all about the DCs hanging out and having fun at the Science Museum and just the blue zone in the History Museum on the way back to the car. Off to watch some TV I think, as the DCs are sparko in bed now.

Completely agree re detatchment ,you will find urself getting upset about a situation that you imagine wouldnt bother you anymore, but then you...."detatch" its like a skill i have learned ,i accept whatever selfish ,deluded head fuckery he does with his life thats it.... its HIS life .If its in my face i will react ,but i can detatch emotionally now and accept the things in life i cannot change.The Serenity Prayer got me thru a lot of dark days.I think about people further along the road to me in my recovery as an inspiration,all i know is if i can keep up my change of attitude re better boundaries eg make my own life choices everyday and celebrate me i will do alright in this life biggest thing 4 me is letting go of negative thoughts and actions ,just imagine they are balloons and let them float up into the sky and fly away .

Rom re strength ,it will happen to u ,ur stronger than you think already,you will heal and strengthen all the bits that need a bit of tuning and you will be full of fabulosity b4 u know it ,Im thinking by Springtime I am going to be on a steadier path,new home and new life x

Thanks Patience and Tea, I aspire to get where you both are in recovery. Tea I'm pleased you had a good day in London. Night all, another early start tomorrow.

Rom i would describe my own story as my X kept me hanging on but i allowed him to ...i wasnt strong enough to cut off my best friend,I posted the Supremes song once.He knew the life he wanted but he didnt want to cut the cord with me ,so he genuinely thought he could abuse my good nature and my love 4 him ,keep me hooked in and keep my hope alive,while living a life of lies and lord knows what but ultimately zero responsibility.Really the only way i got to this place now was each 4-6 weeks there would be some bloody revelation that let me see him for who he was and totally floored me but i never gave up hope .Eventually i started seeing the real guy and how the only freedom i would ever get was,not engaging with him about his crazy life,my X is a "victim" he will always want to tell me about his troubles but i dont listen anymore,he was holding me back on my lifes journey,i could have rescued him for the rest of my life ,i choose not to ,he is my X.

hello all

rom - recovery is full of ups and downs - for me it can change hourly some days . i went through a really good spell a while ago and went for about 2 weeks with no tears - my record so far!!! then something little set me off and i have been trying to scramble back up to where i was before. i read on the site you posted the other day that recovery is not a linear process but will and should be a roller-coaster of emotions.

getting - sorry about your dream, i had one last night too, i dreamt h and i were having sex on our driveway and all of our old neighbours were looking out of their windows watching

tea - glad your day out went well.

starting - glad norm had a good send off

well h's sobbing has started again now that ow has gone.

he told me something yesterday that involved his health. he seemed to be living it up these past 2 weeks without a care in the world and now she has gone he all of a sudden has a massive health scare out of the blue?