ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Nice to see you again, chyler .

Getting, both xp and ow insist that they never had sex but imo it was a sexual relationship as they have admitted to kissing and cuddling. They were sexually attracted to each other and very involved emotionally. The card that I found from her said things like "I love you so much it hurts" and "I'll wait for you for as long as it takes" so really sex is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. I think xp genuinely believes that it should be easier to forgive as they never did the deed. Strangely, ow is of that opinion too. Anyway, I don't know if I believe them. After all, they did go on holiday together so there was certainly the opportunity. That said, she clearly has some serious hang-ups about her femininity and has hinted to me about sexual issues in the past. XP would never pressure anyone to have sex so it is possible it never got particularly physical. That's the thing, I'll never know.

Hugs to all. Just quick drop in..
Love ticking all the right boxes LC:)

Getting -sorry for your disappointment -hope it can still run for you.

Sov - the pain is so tough. You are doing well to be strong!

One thing I read recently - dont know if it was here but it is to treat the bringing up of your kids as a business in the future. You dont have to be in a relationship with a business partner - you just have to work together in a reasonable way with them to a shared goal.

Its half term next week here so looking forward to being off the school treadmill.

Tai Chi info This is what i am trying to learn ,i am on about step 3 .Just wanted to share with you the names of the movements because "Step back and repulse the monkey" is one of the most simple and peaceful movements you can do and far more elegant than ever getting cross ever again,its a very graceful ,serene thing as all of the movements are ,but it really helps me to raise myself up and beyond anybody elses struggles and negativity.

Cant sleep am sat here sobbing, i feel like such an idiot and so bloody gullible and stupid and im wondering why i let myself get sucked in again :(

X visited kids again today, he was late although he did let me know this time all the guilt he displayed monday seems to have disappeared as though the last 6 weeks didnt happen and he just seemed more than happy sitting chatting to me without a care in the world and once he left it hit me, he just told me what i wanted to hear on monday so i didnt make him feel worse about not being around and have absolved him of any guilt he should be feeling because he seemed sorry and for a minute i thought he had doubts and wanted to try again i feel like such a bloody idiot and im so angry at myself because i let myself hope and i made myself vunerable again and now im hurt again, he knows exactly how to play me :(

Dont mind me am just having an outpouring cause tomorrow i have to put back on the hard, i dont care mask and hide it all from the rest of the world :(

oh sov, don't be too hard on yourself, i too have been on the receiving end of this - remember when my h was in the habit of crying all the time? it is all just to take the heat off them and make us give them some slack ifyswim.

at least you have now recognised the pattern.

you are allowed to have wobbles you know, we can't all be getting better all the time, that would not be natural.

(())

x

waves to mumfun xx

hi chyler, only go if you feel comfortable - do you think it is a cunning plan of his to get you all playing happy families again? men aren't subtle are they

starting - glad you gave norm another chance things sound all lovely there also happy you got some money from the solicitor.
I feel the same as LC in as much as it is not necessarily the money but the fact that we are dependent on them for something it makes me very cross actually as i have always been very independent

patience, is Thai chi a good place to meet people do you think? i might look for a local class,

getting - loving the new you you are working towards - i would like to earn enough money to stick two fingers up to h !!!! LOL

in a panic about these spending cuts, quite reliant on tax credits at the moment - do you think i should be worried????????????????

hi tea - hope you are ok and the woman at the pre school is behaving herself
xxxx

hope LC pink, happy, chairmum, rom, amber (hope i haven't missed anyone) is good and keeping warm

patience snow in june - bugger me

Oh, Sov. The story's not over yet. Men are very good at hiding their real feelings. Who knows what's going on in his head, he probably doesn't know himself and if he's anything like my ex he will be lurching from one day to the next wondering what's going to become of him. Just keep thinking that you are stronger than him and you are coping better and you are in a better position. Would he be able to cope with 4 dc's and a broken heart and carry on with all the day to day stuff? You are the better person here.

My XP came round last night too and we just chatted about really mundane things. No emotions, no big stuff, no kissing . It is too uncomfortable for him to confront what he has done. I suspect your x might be like this Sov. I hope so, rather than coldly manipulating you.

Anyway, I have now got to the point where I don't feel so sad to see him go. He doesn't make my heart flip. In fact, last night reminded me of all the annoying things about him. I wasn't too bothered when he left.

Sov . Its early days I spent a long ong time feeling the way yo do.

I am in a bit of a mess this morning. Asking myself why xh didnt love me, why I didnt make him happy what does that make me etc etc.

I texted him last night to say ds had an outstandingly good set of results at parents evening and I would let ds give him the details as he was going there last night. No response at all. I have been stewing on this and realised this morning he is completely detached from me and apart from essential information conveying communication he has no interest in contacting me at all , not even to text me back to say "thats good to hear" or something to that effect.

It feels like a very lonely world today where we are so separate that even contact over our ds is not of interest and we arent his parents anymore the way we were iyswim ?

Anyway I need to pull myself together its a stunning day and moping around yet again is not what I want to be doing.

Getting, I know exactly what you mean. If children weren't involved it would be so much easier. I can really see how people stay together for the sake of the children. It is such a huge intinct to protect them, especially for women I think. But if you turn it round to think 'what did he do for me' instead of 'what did I do wrong' you might get a different answer.

Also, women tend to be better at communicating so maybe your x thought 'oh, that's nice of getting to text me with that' but it doesn't occur to him to text back simply because men aren't really built that way (usually). Either that or he's a selfish, unfeeling tw*t and you deserve better than that, don't you?

Pre school drop off was ok. I just smiled and got on with it. No discussion with the helper, I did give her eye contact and a smile though. I think I want to draw a line under it and move on. I was starting to think yesterday that perhaps I shouldn't have let it bother me so much. But emotions are emotions and it was how I felt on the day. Maybe we'll end up talking at pick up.

After all your years together Getting it must be hard ((hugs)) Does he usually reply when you send him a text? Littlecritters advice to you was lovely. Well done to your DS for doing so well!

Sov - hope you're ok today ((hugs)) from me too, nothing to add to the great advice you've had x

Sov, I really feel for you & as others have pointed out we've all been there. Fwiw you wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling the way you did. I remember for a long time if xh had made the minimum of effort I'd have taken him back. I'm SO SO grateful now that he didn't or it would have just been more heartache & pain. I'm not saying that would be the case for you if you took your xh back but I do think he'd need to be 100% committed for it to have any hope of working & sadly he is not showing that . There's no magic wand or easy way through the pain except to allow yourself to feel it & grieve for where you're at. Be kind to yourself & do nice things for yourself & day by day this will get easier one way or another.

Getting, sorry to hear you're feeling down aswell today. It is v sad when the person you had dc's with can become so detached. Well done to your ds. I agree completely that we have to fix ourselves first & learn to be happy on our own before we're ready to move on. I equally have friends who went down the road of rushing out to meet someone else straight away & they all ended up paying a terrible price for it one way or another.

Tea, well done for making eye contact & smiling. Our feelings are always valid & we need to trust & respect them, you did the right thing imo.

LC, glad you are feeling stronger where xp is concerned.

Armbow, hope you end up not being effected by the cuts. You are right it's crap to be dependant on xp's/xh's for money!

Patience, glad the tai chi is bringing you so much peace & serenity . The cold has also hit this part of the world but not quite as bad as you're having yet

Mumfun, I also have midterm next week

Chyler, that sounds v hard with xh. V confusing when you're getting mixed messages. You seem to be sounding a lot stronger though which is v positive.

Happy, am thinking about you & hope you're well.

LC thanks for your post. No it probably didnt occur to him to reply just as it didnt occur to him to thank me for the school photo of dd I sent him. Thats what feels upsetting though that I am such an irrelevance to him meanwhile he and this situation continue to dominate my thoughts. Also its that feeling of sadness that my dc no longer have their parents looking out for them as a unit and somehow because the interest is divided in 2 that it is weakened.

Even as I type that I am aware of dumplings who cant get their xs to commit to regular contact and that must be the pits

Thanks Tea I need a hug ! Well done for taking the high ground with the helper.

Just been chatting with my cousin. Her dd is off school and she asked if her xh could come and look after dd so she could go to work and got an outright No even though she knew he could, these xhs grrrr.

Need to focus and get my smile on for dc getting back from school

Waves to all be back later

Well a little update that made me smile in a what a bitch I am sort of way !

One of ds teachers said to me at parents evening that I had done a really good job bringing him up (preens). DC were with xh last night after said evening and ds reported this compliment to xh who apparently said "What and I didnt have anything to do with the way you were brought then" to which ds in true Inbetweeners style said "Not really Dad".

I dont care if this has got lost in translation I have enjoyed typing it out . Out of the mouths babes teens and all that.

Getting, that's priceless . DS has said a couple of corkers to xp, too. He told xp that he couldn't wait for him to get a flat as it meant we could get a dog and on another occasion he called ow an old slapper . He doesn't actually know what a slapper is but claimed he had overheard me say it . Good job he didn't hear me call her a f*ing b**ch .

Anyway, I'm having a wobbly moment/day/week because the flat thing is imminent. Silly me. I know it's the best thing. He can't live in hotels and coming back here is not going to work. But getting a flat is further reinforcing the fact that he left me (even though technically I kicked him out). Just feeling a bit sad. But not too sad.

LC - you come across as so strong dont think about the negatives, your xp getting a flat it surely a good thing and if in the future things change it doesnt matter where he is living, at least he hasnt moved in the OW like my DH has.

Sov - hope you are feeling better today and no so down, I am still having trouble sleeping and thats when my mind spins!

Getting - im sure its just a man thing about replying to your text, Im sure he was really proud of the outstanding results of your ds, they just dont think.

Hi to everyone else.

Hi Romney. I know you're right. It's a head versus heart thing. I went through a phase of wishing xp and ow would run away together because I am sure he would be as miserable as hell with her. I am interested to see what happens when he does get his own place as OW is married with a dd. Her H will not let her leave without a massive fight.

I had my first xp/ow dream last night. It turned out they were first cousins and their family disowned them. I then spent the rest of the dream making ow cry but I never caught sight of her, just heard her sobbing and sounding completely defeated. I felt quite disturbed when I woke up.

Feeling much better. Tee hee LC at your ds' remarks re ow. Sorry you've had the ow dream , I find them very draining , the other night I dreamt she had her back to me and was wearing a knee length petticoat which she took off and had a body like one of those Beryl Cook women.

Joking apart LC its easy to forget reading your posts that really you are still very much in the early Stages of splitting up and xp getting a flat is a big milestone because it gives it all a feeling of permanency. LOL at being a bit sad not too sad.

Romney your xh is living with his ow really sorry failed to pick up on that - so sorry thats awful. How are you feeling about everything you havent been on the thread much.

AB I know what you mean about benefits, hopefully our incomes are too low and we will fall below the radar of cuts but I never read a paper any more and so am badly informed on these things.

Ooh that's a really weird dream, Getting. You must have an overactive imagination, methinks.

Yes, you're right about the flat being a big milestone. All along xp has said I didn't want this, I didn't choose this blah blah blah. But he can choose to sign a 6 month lease without even asking me to try again. I keep hearing of all these errant men (not nesessarily here) who beg for forgiveness and swear they'll do whatever it takes to make amends. God, how I want xp to beg on his bended knees. Not sure what my response would be. At best it would be I'll think about it and at worst a swift kick in the testicles.

Getting - had a few bad days and just couldnt bring myself to post.

I spoke to DH yesterday, I was told off last week on my other thread for keeping in contact, as the opinion is that unless I cut him off totally, the chances of him coming back are less as he wont know he will lose me forever.

He was meant to be going away this week on his own without OW, I was hoping he would and maybe be able to sort his mind out. He didnt go, we had a bit of a heated discussion and I eventually said "are you that in love with her?" he went quiet, his answer was "no I dont think I do"! He really has lost his marbles.

He moved in with her about 6 weeks ago, was still lying to everyone where he was living, even his sister didnt know where he was. There is so much against it working for DH and OW, and a lot of stress for both regarding work, but maybe this is just wishful thinking. I cant help still having hope, but I hope in time this will go, as LC says heart versus brain, heart winning at the moment, but maybe one day my brain will start to takeover.

Romney, your H sounds weak and confused. I understand why you feel the need to contact him. Don't beat yourself up too much. But why is he talking to you about his feelings? And more to the point, does ow know about this? Don't think she'd be too impressed.

I read somewhere that the chances of the affair relationship lasting the test of time is relatively low and even lower if it is a work colleague. My xp's ow is a colleague and also a family friend as is her husband.

I think it all just takes time to play itself out. That is torture for you and me and those in our position. I am especially impatient. I'm one of those people who wants things done NOW, I can't face waiting 6 months wondering what's going to happen. I often hear myself say, stop talking about it and just do it. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

Feel like I'm starting to ramble...

LC - I am very impatient too, hate waiting. When I asked why DH hadnt contacted me recently he said when I dont hear from you I think you dont want to talk!! So I wonder if your XP is the same, waiting for you to make the first move.

I feel the same as you I cant see why my DH didnt even try. I still think that the OW has some hold over him (maybe it is only the infatuation).

Romney, I am fairly sure that xp is waiting for me to make the first move as this is what he has been like throughout our relationship. He couldn't even decide what to have for dinner. He doesn't want to beg so that I can't impose any conditions - he still sees ow on a daily basis at work and also socially. When I asked him why he had an affair he said he felt flattered by the attention as if to say he couldn't resist her. When I accuse him of dithering he says it's because he doesn't know where he stands with me. He just absolves himself of all responsibility. And he still hasn't told anyone that we have split up.

And when I think of that side of him I feel I am, in fact, better off without him.

Having been reading and lurking on your other thread Romney it seems to be one new poster who suggested no contact. Don't take it to heart. Affairs are complicated things and every persons situation is different. Have you read Shirley Glass's - Just Good Friends book? WWIFN suggests it a lot, it is very good and you may find it very helpful x

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i have not read anyone's posts so sorry if this is very self indulgent.

long story short, ow has added my cousin as her friend on fb (I hate fb am now wondering why i wandered onto it in the first place) and as a result of some fb magic i can now see what h and ow have been doing over the past weeks - i feel sick , angry everything all at once. he claims he is skint, not according to what they have been doing he isn't. she even mentions meeting the kids

stop me before i completely lose it and call him and post on her fb wall.

do i ...

a) take moral high ground and rise above it
b) go at it like a freak and give them a good piece of my mind, which let's face it is long overdue

....... and breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee