ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

AB I did the same as you in the early days with H, just for the same reasons as you. However things have settled down now on visits, he'll touch base with me once a week and we'll agree which times he's coming by. It's good. As he's doing shift patterns that are odd, we can't plan further than 1 week at a time but that's ok with pre schoolers as not much happens [hsmile]

x posts tea, glad you feel as though you can talk to the manager. i think i know exactly the type of woman you describe, i bet she is not that popular.

at the end of the day she is looking after your child and you need a mutual respect passing between the two of you, just let it wash over you, she is probably cringing now thinking about how she handled it.

There was some snot involved earlier !! Had a good sob in the car on the drive away from dc and feel a bit better. Not much I can do really is there

I talk to key worker and manager mostly Tea .She sounds tremendously insecure,no reason at all for that ,well done you with telling the manager ,wobbily days are totally normal btw x

Tea sounds like you handled yourself really well and refrained from saying anything too direct which under the circs you could have done x

Hi AB just to say i didnt mean to imply u were point scoring at all i just meant after everything ur X has put u thru emotionally i didnt see any reason u should feel guilty when you allready had plans 4 ,2nite,i apologise if i came across wrong because i admire ur dignity so much ,it has taken me this long to even get near a place like that x

Hugs to Getting x

My tutor on this course on Monday nights is an author Quite fancy buying this book, the reviews sound good.

Supposed to be writing my TMA but finding it so hard to get going [hhmm]

patience, i understood what you meant totally - what i was trying to say in response to you was that maybe subconsciously maybe i was trying to score points as i could have changed plans if needed but i did not want to.

i find it all very confusing, should i have changed my plans to enable the children to see their father or should i keep to my plans and set boundaries. i chose the latter.

Oh tg AB was really worried i had said something offensive, i can only really talk about my own experiences and although i never did stop X seeing the dcs ,i certainly went thru a lot of "Feck off,you fecking fecker!" moments.But ultimately i knew it was better kids never lost touch with their dad ,but i did have lots of boundaries ,would never have let him turn up drunk ,he knew that ,it all protected my kids
and worked out better in the long run.If you are anything like me when you start being assertive and putting urself first it makes you feel a bit guilty because it was such an unusual pattern for me.But after some practise you get quite good at it.I console myself with the fact that my X never gave a flying fuck about anyone but himself and steamrollered over me for years.To earn respect i had to show myself respect first and i have found people soon catch on.So glad i didnt upset you AB ,Tea what is a TMA?Yes def boundaries and consistency ,big capital letters so everyone invoved knows what is happening then stability for dcs,i would let X know that the more warning you have the more likely the dcs will be free for a visit x

Hi all

Im still alive lol but am feeling very crappy and emotional atm

Visit with X yesterday went well for the DC not so much for me :(
He cried when he came in, DC absolutely loved seeing him, had loads of fun and i let him stay for their bedtime expected to come down and find him with his coat on waiting to go but he wasnt he was sat on the sofa waiting for me, we talked for about 2 hours with me blubbing lots (grrr) and him a little too
He said he missed me and that i was his best friend and that he didnt mean all the things he said he was just angry and that he wants me in his life as he missed talking to me and i was in bits, i had held it all in till DC were in bed and had expected to cry it out when he left only he didnt and i ended up crying with him there, it all hit me like a ton of bricks it was as though the last few month hadnt happend and i felt everything again i still love him very much and i miss him loads, god it killed me as i really wanted to kiss him or touch him (but i didnt) and now i just feel really shitty
It started when i asked him not to introduce the DC to his new girlfriend till it was serious and he said he's not seeing anyone and he would tell me if he was i just kept repeating that it was none of my business and i just crumbled he didnt hug me but rushed off for the tissues
He confused me when we were talking about the fact he should have told me he wasnt happy and we could have sorted it out and he said it was too little too late on his part didnt understand that at all and that he knows he shouldnt have bottled his feelings up
He had the look on his face the entire time we were talking like he wanted to say something but was holding back, he did say he was off the drugs and starting a new job in 2 weeks and that he knew he had a lot of issue to deal with and was sorting himself out it has left me very emotional and confused as i thought i would be ok apparently not :(
When he was leaving i gave him a hug (like i would a mate) and it lasted about a minute with me pulling away first and him still hugging me, i didnt want to let go but it went over the hugging mates rule lol

My mum hit the roof when i told her he'd been i just told her to go away
i also told my friend everything that happened and what was said and she thinks he wants to come back but i dont think he does just think he's lonley atm

But it has all left me an emotional wreck again :(
Am going to limit my contact with him, im not ready to be just his friend yet :(

sorry to go on everyone am now going to look through all the posts :o

Don't apologise FFS Sov!Goin to bed now its
-3c 2nite .But actions speak louder than words watch how he treats you is it with respect,keep ur boundaries ,stay strong,but if he is working, not smoking and drinking and making an effort that is all positive.If not for you as a couple def for dcs as a father ,big hugs post as much as you like ,it was the only thing that kept me sane some days and that helped me and my dcs lots,big hugs x

right have had a read and omg there is just so much so.....

(((((((((((((((((HUGS FOR ALL))))))))))))))))

Pumpkin, hope ur wrapped up well tonight -3

AB, the guilt is hard but you did the right thing by not changing ur plans, he needs to realise your world no longer revolves around him

Tea, yay on fuses :o and sorry you were upset today

Happy, good to see you hope ur ok

Getting, so sorry re settlement, i hope it all comes good for you

Rom, hope ur ok

Starting, thats crap re maintenence but yay for the cigs i will try again when i'm not so emotional

LC, how are things? hope you managed to resist, although i know if X had tried last night i would have caved

Waves to everyone i've forgotten, am going to see if i can get some sleep fngers crossed

((hugs)) Sov, this part of the journey with my H when things like that happened, I cried too and it's all so hard and confusing at times. Patience is spot on with her advice. Hope you slept ok x

Brrrr - had to scrape the ice off the car windscreen after I finished work this morning. Guessing this is just a pleasant autumnal day for you Patience - my family come from NE Scotland so I know how cold it gets. Lovely to be home in my toasty bed .

Sov, hope you feel ok today. I know it's confusing but I hope you prefer to see your x showing some emotion rather than the cold-hearted version that you've seen since the split. I think it sounds like he's having second thoughts so be prepared. And if he does try and whisk you into bed then follow my example and keep your knickers pulled up tight (thanks for the advice, getting ).

Tea, hope you feel better too. That woman sounds a bit strange to me. That is not normal behaviour at all.Very unprofessional.

Armbow, definitely agree about boundaries. DC's need that stability. Nothing has to be set in stone but everyone needs to know where they stand and most changes can be negotiated well in advance.

Getting, Starting - sorry you're being messed about with the finances. It is so frustrating when they've let you down in other ways, money worries are the last thing you want. So far, xp has been very fair with his cash I have to say. But he's still in the guilty phase so that may not last.

Stay warm and snuggly today, fellow dumplings.

Reading back, I haven't said much about me and xp. There's not much to report. I've asked him to come over tonight and I'm going to try and straighten a few things out. I won't lie and say a reconcilliation is impossible but I've actually got to quite like some things about being separated - he does a lot more childcare and I do a lot less cooking. Plus the house is so much cleaner. I never realised how grubby he is.

I think the best we could hope for is for xp to get a flat for 6 months and see how things go. An awful lot of things would have to change though and deep down I don't think xp is ready to make those changes. I feel I've come so far that I can't take any backwards steps and waste all this heartache. Sideways, maybe but backwards, no way.

Morning all

Couldnt sleep last night was about 3 when i dropped off and kept waking up so feel wiped out today

LC, i definately prefer to see X showing emotion, it's nice to know he's hurt too IYSWIM and as for whisking me to bed, i've never been very strong when it comes to that with him, he makes me go weak at the knees so am planning to keep distance and maybe objects between us lol

Hope everyone has a good day today, will be back later

Patience - TMA - Tutor Marked Assessment

Sorry I wasn't thinking, it's an essay basically.

Sov, sorry to hear you're going through such emotional pain atm but it's only to be expected really. I had some terrible times like that with xh. I think we've all prob been through those times. I think the sleepless nights are the worst of all though .

Tea, well done for reporting that woman, it sounds really inappropriate what she did.

Armbow, you def did the right thing in not changing your plans for xh.

Patience, glad you feeling empowered again . It's always the good thing when you go through a really bad time, it pushes you forward another bit .

LC, I did notice those advantages immediately also, less cooking but most especially less cleaning. Xh was v untidy & never cleaned up after himself!

Getting, that is so so crap that things look like they're going to fall through. Really hope you get some good news & that things will work out ok for you ((Hugs))

Happy, hope you're doing ok ((Hugs))

Well got a cheque in post this morn for xh's sol . Not for maintenance but for other money I was due. In one way I'm not too bothered by maintenance as he always pays in the end it's just the hassle that he won't pay into my account & that I've to go to the bank each month & never know if I'll get money or not! I know eventually though he will have to agree to pay it into my account so I just need to grin & bare it for now & be grateful that he is paying something anyway . Anyway, early morning visit from Norm has put a smile on my face. Will be seeing him again tonight & also tomorrow morning & then I won't see him for awhile as he's going away doing charity work.

Hi everyone.

Thanks for support , I have regained my composure and realised its stupid going into a decline until I know exactly whats what which will now be mid next week. I think I had just been so happy to have reached agreement and hence less need for contact/knowing where I am etc it was a come down. As my Mum would say dont count your chickens before they have hatched and now I know not to think anything is definite until ink is dry !!

Sov I think its really important for long term healing purposes to have those sorts of sessions with your xh. It gives both of you a chance to say some things that once a certain period of time goes by never come out. Also it helped me to know that xh didnt just skip out of the door and it was painful for him too otherwise you can feel your marriage was meaningless and not worth grieving over. However Patience is right beyond a certain point its actions you need to look at and if you suspect some of what he is saying is with an adgenda to returning then be careful. Cleaning up his act can only be good for all of you.

LC waiting to see what happens once hes got his own place sounds essential. Whats happening about OW now, is she out of the picture ?

Starting glad everything is going so well with Norm

Off to ds school parents evening in a minute then got the evening to myself - not sure if thats good or not

Hope everyone is having a nice day

Starting, lucky you with Norm. That is one thing I was/am quite excited about, meeting someone new and hopefully fabulously wealthy, kind, funny etc. Not sure how many of those boxes Norm ticks for you but it sounds like one of your boxes is getting ticked quite regularly . Crap about the money thing though. It's more than just numbers, it's the feeling that you are reliant on them for something even though it is for the dc's, not you. My xh used to give the dc's age 9 and 7 a wad of cash to give to me, no envelope, so of course they thought I was loaded as it looked like a huge amount to them when in fact it was £40 a week . I would hit the roof and eventually he agreed to give me a cheque. It was just one of the things he did to annoy me and it worked!

Sov, I agree with Getting, you just have to go through these painful bits to start healing and feel stronger. Hope you feel a bit better now.

Hope parents' evening went ok, Getting. And hope even kmore that you get good news regarding the settlement.

I'm feeling so mixed up about xp. He is so passive about some things and so stubborn about others. OW is still within his social circle as is her H . Sometimes they all go for lunch together so I am made out to be the unreasonable one. I am viewed as a bit of a loose cannon as I don't keep my mouth shut and I can be very cutting. I've still got feelings for xp but I just don't want to live that life any more. I'm not even sure if I love him any more. If I'm honest I think there are better things out there for me and I don't mean men although I'm sure there is a nice man out there somewhere. On the other hand, I don't want to do the single parent thing again and I want to do the best for ds. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Hi to all. Hope you're feeling like your name, Happy.

Got the coal fire on today was -3 doin the school run this morning so lord nows what it was in the nite.LC i saw snow in June in Aberdeen once LOL!We are more central but up the hill a bit ,away to swimming hugs to all x

LC that does sound mixed up . I understand the part about feeling there are better things out there than just striving for another man but at the same time not wanting to be a single parent. I think my conclusion is that for the foreseeable future I want to focus on being gettingeasier and finding strengths and talents that I have but which I have complacently sailed through life not bothering with for a whole host of reasons most of which trace back to the way I behave in relationships.

I see tiny shafts of the teenage, pre living with a man me and I really like it. Why I get so lazy and comfortable around a man I dont know. I know you have a good job already LC but are there other challenges you might like to undertake ? For me I want to be strong enough that I would never again tolerate any sort of disrespectful behaviour towards me that I am worth more and I think I have a fair bit to prove to myself before I can say that 100%.

For me that will range from bringing up the dc on my own , getting a job, wiring a plug , and god knows what else . I watch my dearest BF lurch from one crap relationship to another because she wants "someone" but it rarely works because she hasnt sorted out herself and her demons. I read somewhere what a mistake it is to look to a partner to make you a whole complete person you have to be that way yourself and I am not at the moment.

Think I know what I mean LC !!! So sorry if this is too full on a question but was xp and ows relationship emotional only then ? Sorry I dont mean only yo know what I mean

Hi everyone, sorry i've not posted for a while, I have been reading the thread but was too knackered to post, so much to comment on but here goes...

Patience, snow in June wrt the drinking, i'm glad the book is helping you make sense of things and that it is bringing you some peace.

Sov, sorry you are having a low ebb atm, my xh spurted out the same things as your x, and I agree with the others that times like these are essential for getting things off your chest and moving on, it's a bummer that it hurts so much, I hope you start to feel more positive soon ((hugs))

LC good luck with parents evening and good luck for tonight with x. I am also looking forward to meeting someone else although I know I am a long way off yet, I suppose I am accepting that my marriage is over now.

Starting I'm very of you and Norm, I'm gagging DS1's teacher looks more appealing every time I see him lol

Getting, I hope this week goes quickly for you and that an agreement is reached next week

AB I love your halloween name [hsmile] it rocks! Good for you that you're planning on getting out there to meet people, come the New Year when DS3 starts nursery I will have lost my link to the outside world so I may need some pointers on what I can do. I also wouldn't feel guilty about not changing your plans, you and your dc's have a life, you are not at his beck and call. Afterall he wasn't willing to change his plans for tonight was he?

Tea, what a horrible experience for you at the preschool, she sounds very insecure to me, good on you for reporting it. The course sounds really good, I wish there was something like it here I also hope the ad's kick in soon.

Rom, my xh is also doing similar things to me that yours is doing to you, mind games are cruel xx

Well today xh came and just before he left he hugged me and kissed my neck! wtf?! I have definitely noticed a bit of a pattern going on, he calls me a fair bit when nobody is around then I have only calls which start off about the dc. I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt, except the part where he invited me to his for tea with the kids on fri. Not sure whether to go.

Waves to everyone I missed, will be back soon

Creepy nice to hear from you , tea with the xh that all sounds very civilised and way out of my sphere of experience

Not sure whether to go though getting, in a way I want to and in another way I don't. We'll see.