ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Only had chance to quickly skim thread as I'm rushing to print off assignment & head to college.

Sov, hope things have gone ok for you with visit from x. ((Hugs))

Patience, haven't had a chance to read all your posts but big ((Hugs)). I know tis v v hard!

Tea, glad you found the light again.

Armbow, ((Hugs)) hope you have someone helping you out atm.

Waves to everyone & will catch up properly later tonight.

Well no maintenance from fuckwit again!!!!! Am feeling v pround because I stopped in shop & got a latte, resisted huge rage induced cravings for a cig & chewed down on my nicorette lol . Btw Sov, don't beat yourself up about the cigs, I'm taking this day by day & any major stress could find me with a cig in hand!

Startin'....aargh re maintenance but re fags !
ps have been carrying obsidian so think it explains todays outpourings x

AB get well soon

Tea well done ,those are the only sorts of times I think I need a man - jump leads anyone

Sov maybe this could be the start of a routine where he sees dc ?

Starting well done on resisting even in the face of hassle

Rom those letters must have given you so much hope when you want to move on - very confusing

Patience we are better off without them like I say the thing I struggle with is even though he knew how serious his drinking was he couldnt try to see if that was affecting our marriage and deal with it before leaving us. If he had stopped for 6 months and then said no sorry still dont love you I am leaving I could have accepted it more easily.

The worse thing is I too drink more than I should but vastly less than 3 years or so ago and lately have been addressing it . Theres no way I am having him being a lighter drinker than me

My day has been ok I have done my stint at computers and off to take ds to football training shortly.

LC I hated the weekends too by the way and I still find the best thing is to make arrangements in advance so you are busy. Also I keep an eye on what is on at the cinema etc as a fall back. Dont you work some weekends too ? Its a shame we dont all live closer then we could do dumpling stuff . I find though that a lot of my married friends are very happy to do stuff at the weekend anyway

Anyway waves to everyone see you later.

Sov hope the visit went ok and didnt make you too upset, at least he has realised he needs/wants to see the DC.

My DH told me he was going to his Mums this week and then to his sisters, but just spoke to his sis and she doesnt know anything about his visit, why is he still lying, I dont get it. What is wrong with them!!!

Patience - I know its tempting to try to figure out what went wrong with your X regarding the drink but I hope the book can help you in other ways. As my counsellor said, we have to own our own actions and reactions, as we can't do anything about theirs!
I can relate to the peace and quiet mutterings from the men - While XH does more time with DS than many he only spends half an hour here or there with DD because it's too much bother to arrange more! It would take away from his time to himself.

Sov - hope the visit goes ok. B just take a deep breath and repeat after me : it's for the children!

Romney - glad the ads are helping

Armbow - hope you feel better soon

I have XH (i may still be married to him but that's the title I feel he deserves!) coming round to spend the day with the kids tomorrow so I can clean my house through before he goes away on Thursday. I'm looking forward to a hopefully shiny house!

Armbow, hope you're feeling better. Try some flat lemonade when you feel you can keep it down.

Sov, hope the visit went well. Hope the dc's had fun with their dad.

Getting, I like a drink too . Just looked at the recycling box and realised there are 4 empy wine bottles in there. And I only shared one of them with a friend who was driving so she only had one glass . That is way more than usual so I've decided to limit myself to 1 bottle each week staring NOW. Fortunately, I don't drink beer or spirits and I don't smoke. We all have our vices, don't we? But I think I've been using alcohol to take the edge off the pain which is not good. I tend to have a large glass when I'm cooking dinner and then top it up with my meal.

Romney, it's the lies that hurt the most, isn't it? I could forgive the infidelity but not the lies especially when they are ongoing.

XP is here now. He asked me to look over the contract for his new flat before he signs. What does he expect me to say? Then he said, I really don't want this but I suppose I have no choice. Cue for me to say, let's try again but I just said nothing. He is being very affectionate, asking for cuddles and kissing the back of my neck which is my real weak spot - it sends me into a hypnotic trance . He keeps saying how sorry he is. I'm weakening.

But I'm off to work now so nothing else will happen tonight I promise .

hi everyone - feeling a lot better now thank you for the well wishes. luckily my mum and dad were on hand to get me though the day (god bless em )

lc i am drinking flat coke ??? will that have a similar effect, i am keeping it down and have not been sick for a while now so fingers crossed i am over the worst - i hate being sick with a passion. stay strong lc (if that is what you want)

starting - keep going on the cigs

Chairmum re alanon book its not about finding answers re my Xs drinking personally its more about educating myself re the patterns of alcoholics IYSWIM.I think anybody that is affected by someone elses drinking /addiction can educate themselves about the disease and it does bring you peace.It also has info on the 12 steps and that can help you look at how the other persons drinking affects you and ur children and work thru that ,so its a start.TBH i have found it all too raw to addresss up until recently,alcohol was the mistress in our marriage .I dont think it is anymore complicated than that but alanon does teach you to look after yourself and find serenity
by accepting the things you cannot change.
LC you need to decide what you want ,he is trying to get you into bed but you know that already,dont confuse sex with love and respect ,not telling you what to do ,just a bit of a cold bucket of water if its required x

LC sorry from you said recently his motivation is likely to be " I dont want to go and live in a flat on my own" rather than "what have I done to littlecritter" .Time will tell if hes genuine about getting together in the meantime keep your knickers on !!!

Glad you are feeling better AB

Ok started at the back of the book and all about the 12 steps ,its funny how when you start to get into this whole inner peace thing so many messages lead to the same thing.I promptly fell asleep and have only just woken up so at least i got some relaxation.Just a good bit more along the alanon path ,seems only recently i was at a meeting but it was feb or march ,caravans and banjos and being snowed in .
Anyway all about staying with my higher self, having compassion for others at looking at ways i can change myself to help me to heal.I am aware of my lower self behaviors re X and have to work hard to feel the compassion for him that i would for a stranger in his situation.I have detatched from his lifestyle[his choice] and truly jumped off that merry go round .Any hate rage and hurt that i hold inside me will only affect the people around me ie my dcs so i have to move forwards ,keep working on me ,leave the feeling of injustice and resentment behind and concentrate on my higher self,embrace the positives and lose the negatives .Ok away to read another chapter.
Also ordered Melody Beattie Codependent No More anyone else read it ?
I remember making time to read really nourished me in the early days ,just nice to make time to relax with a book .

Basically for my own inner peace ,i have to stop having negative thoughts about my X ,whether it is regarding dcs or any of our history together i will work towards positive thoughts to help me come to a place of serenity and enjoy my new path ahead x

Waves to all......

LC, at the end of the day you are the only one that can decide if you're prepared to give it another shot with xp. Remember though that you can call the shots. If you are unsure & feel you might want to try again you can always still make him move out for awhile.

Rom, so sorry your xh is being so cruel to you by giving you mixed messages all the time ((hugs))

Getting, glad you've got the drink thing under control. As you said we've all got our vices & in times of crises are more likely to rely on crutches. For me it was always the cigs (as I don't drink) so tis a big move to finally be trying to quit .

Patience, as you know. I had to walk similiar paths to you with xh so I empathise with where you are. My xh was an alcoholic but stopped drinking 28yrs ago & went to AA. However he became what is termed a "dry drunk" i.e. he never got sober & just replaced drink with one addiction after another. It is one of the saddest diseases when untreated & destroys not only the alcoholic but also all the people close to them. I thought my xh was sober when we got together & only realised later that he was hiding one addiciton after another. I then alternated between trying to fix, change, cure him etc. For awhile my whole focus was on him & I prob completely lost myself. Luckily at this point I found counselling thanks to xh & slowly took back my own life & started to change myself instead. During this period I had a few great years with xh but unfortunately eventually his addictions went out of control again. It can be so so hard to let go of someone you love that goes down the destructive path of self harm & complete disregard for the people who love them. I found the books great down through the years. I def agree that they help you to see the patterns & help you to find some level of peace with the situation. I would highly recommend Melody Beatie's books. I think the whole journey of recovery from the trauma of your marriage breaking up is a bit like peeling back the layers of an onion. I enjoyed reading all your posts, it reminded me of my own journey & it was also good to see how you are trying to process it all. I did that many times way back in the earlier threads & of course I'd also done so much in years of counselling. You are doing great & always moving forward. ((Hugs))

Armbow, glad you got a bit of support. Think flat coke mightn't be the greatest thing to be putting in your stomach

Chairmum, good luck with the cleaning!

Thankyou for your support Startin' finished the alanon marriage book and read the 12 steps again.A years seperation makes a huge difference to my crazy old life and i can understand and respect the steps now and feel as sense of relief,achievement,understanding after reading it .The point they make again and again is alanons view is that you must never blame the alcoholic.It is only now that i can truly step back and say criticising my X wasnt helping me to heal it was only perpetuating flaws in my own character,instead i have to let go of this and cut the cord that is sending negative energy to my X .It is only holding me back.I will keep the 12 steps with me for a while now to guide me through this transition i am in.I feel it is right for me and my dcs and will indeed bring me closer to a more serene life.It has been such a negative year in places for me ,i want to improve my character so i dont repeat mistakes.Book had lots of patterns both me and X represented just couldnt accept these flaws b4 because i was in so much pain and tormented .It has been an emotional day ,but thankyou to everyone again for your support.I feel i can work towards some kind of stability now re X and the dcs.Its up to him but i want to wish him peace in his life now.

morning everybody

rom - i was reading your other thread and followed the link to runaway husbands thread - it is very good, thanks for the link.

patience - i think i need to do the same as you and stop thinking negative thoughts about my h too, it is no good for my sanity lol! on the link that i mentioned above the author says that wives can spend an awful long time trying to figure out what happened and searching for answers as to why their once happy marriage has disintegrated. basically it says that we may never find all the answers we need and to make our peace with that.

www.runawayhusbands.com/

there is also a good list of songs on there in the healing part -

starting - yes dd not feel tickety boo after the coke i feel like i have been in a fight this morning all aching from the wretching (blurgghhhh) KEEP GOING WITHOUT THE CIGS

hiya Getting. hope you are ok, think of the money saved re the wine. you can get nice facials and stuff - lovely

tea - hope you are ok, can't wait to hear that you are feeling happy inside again

waves to all dumplings, really hard to name check everyone these days isn't it?

still radio silence from h (what a muppet) ow goes at the weekend so no doubt he will be on the phone the second she leaves and try to act as though nothing has happened and expect to see the kids immediately - what would you do??? i don't want him to think he can pick them up and out them down at his will.

Armbow - glad your feeling better today. I started reading the book last night and wow it really mirrors my circumstances, my Dh style of leaving is called in her book "death by a thousand cuts", the other way of them leaving is called "guillotine style", I will continue reading but looking good at the moment just hope it helps.

Anyway must dash got the doctors in half an hour. Have a good morning ladies.

AB glad you're feeling better , I had a good read of that link some interesting stuff. Its an ongoing project forgiving and being positive about xh and its good to read some of that stuff to realise that its in my interests to do so rather than of some benefit to him.

I do get irritated with myself at times because I really am certain he never thinks about me unless he has a specific reason to do so.

Got an email this morning about how his sol is away until next week along with a couple of cryptic remarks . I just hope he isnt planning something new because I really thought htis was agreed and that by today we would be telling sols to draw up an agreement. Another week of uncertainty. I have told him though that if he is going to start making changes to what he offered then I am placing this whole thing in my sols hands because I cant deal with the stress of doing it myself anymore legal fees or no legal fees.

Well I think sorting out my drinking is a long term project . I had a dabble on the thread for drinkers but its just so fast paced I really struggled to keep up with everyone and often the posts didnt really do it for me iyswim? Most of the people were also more in xh drinking category than mine and that didnt help much. Atm moment its willpower and I am enjoying mixed success with that strategy !!

DS off school again , all you dumplings with your little ones at home - the grass is always greener eh ! Its lovely having him around even if he is hanging off me because he is bored .

LC did you keep xp at bay ?

Rom hope you are ok

Sov how did the visit go ? I have fallen down on cigs front too think I will wait until next week now

Starting any news on maintenance ? WELL DONE on cigs keep going

Tea hows the course going its a monday evening isnt it?

Patience hope your chins up your tits are out

Waves to Pink,Happy,Chair, Mumfun an all lurkers

Course is good this week it was on forgiveness, reconciliation or if not reconciling then how to have a good relationship with them in the future. Lots of stuff about forgiveness and exactly what we all talk about on here, it was good.

DD ill today and sent home from pre schoool. Had a horrid moment at pre school this morning with one of the helpers. No time to type it out right now, as I need to watch the kids but I came home and cried and rang a friend about it. Very passive/ agressive and unprofessional of her and unnecessary Eyes still feel dry and sore from so much sobbing. I think when you already feel fragile and have had your self esteem and confidence knocked by separation and divorce it doesn't take me much to upset me sometimes I think. Too fragile...

oh tea, so sorry she made you cry, report her if she does it again, she should not make you feel like this.

hope you dd feels ok soon. fwiw i am having a looooooooooooow day today too, feel really flat and on the verge of tears. i feel very lonely tbh. all the hubbub has subsided and i have a feeling of is this it? i need to get out there and meet new people i think (well i know) my new job is home based and this does not help. I am going to look into courses, book clubs and the like.

hi getting. i can imagine it gets lonely during the day when your kids are at school. hope you ds feels better soon (everyone seems to be ill at the moment!!)

after what i said today about not hearing from h i got a call from him today asking to see the kids tonight, it got my back up tbh as he surely can't expect me to be free all the time waiting on his call?i told him we were busy and we were free tomorrow night, he said he was busy tomorrow and that it would have to be thursday when he sees them. was that bad of me??? (we are busy tonight but we could have changed plans at a push)i just feel he needs to understand that we are not here at his whim. but i have spent the whole day feeling guilty.

xxxx

Dont feel guilty AB just you flexing ur assertive muscles a little.As long as you dont do these things as point scoring then nothing wrong with sticking to ur own plans and keeping to your boundaries .
Rom i def think i was a death by a hundred cuts ,but in the end they can only hurt you if you let them.I would have thought if i had heard that early on but it is true.
AB i agree re answers ie an addict will lie and lie and lie somemore he loses track of what is real and what is a lie ,so if he doesnt know the answers i def wont ever know ,but i have to let it go,being in the throes of addiction is not a great place to be in life and i am going to be compassionate to the addict now,difference now is that doesnt mean i need to fix,save ,mother or feel sorry for him .What a difference a day makes .
Hope ur ok Sov ,waves to getting mf happy et all !
Had lunch with friends and ate loads so feeling good today x

AB can you work somewhere other than home ie coffee shop or library just the odd time for a change of scene,dont know if kids have childcare ?

Dont feel guilty AB if it didnt fit with your plans tonight it didnt. I cant remember does he normally have them at set times and its jst while shes here on hols that things are out of kilter ?

I can see how a combination of feeling poorly and the aftermath of being so occupied with the move could be leaving you feeling low. I imagine now you will have days when you are on a high because you have made the break - new home etc and days where the enormity of it all hits. I will have that to look forward to when I move. I know how resourceful you are but other ideas for how to get out there - the local library is often a mine of info for lists of what to do in the area, good old google and harnessing your friends into action
if you find something but you want a hand to hold at first.

Just got a long email from xh saying in all likelihood his job is being reduced to 3 days a week which means sadly he will probably withdraw his offer once hes seen sol next week. So after all that back to square one

Thinking of you Getting ,i felt ur relief in ur post the other nite re this, so sending u positive vibes this gets resolved pronto.

Tea just to say when you build ur self esteem like ur doin this situation will be like water off a ducks back esp if she was curt and you were caught in her machine gun fire.Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and no need to be spoken to rudely.But you were ,so you deal with it feel the anger[that is ur right]and move on.Only reason i can talk about this is i was hurt by almost everyone in my past LOL i had no shield at all ,but now i dont doubt my own self as much ,i recognise any injustice ,feel it and let it go,i used to carry it with me for days months or years b4 and all it did was depress me.You are doin fab ,hope dd feels better soon x

Hi guys, been a weird 36 hours so have disappeared......

Back now but out with work tonight.

Thread too fast for me to comment on but will try a few!

AB, think you are right to maintain your boundaries.

Patience, sounds like you are reading some good stuff, all makes excellent sense to me and you are so far along your journey now.

Starting, you're doing so well on the cigs! How crazy that there is a maintenance issue once again - it's got to stop somehow.

LC, please look after yourself, it feels like XH is still very much present in your world.

Getting, how awful to get that news on the divorce front re: monies, really frustrating. Looks like I will now try to do "deal" with XH, and see how it goes.

Rom, lies, lie and more lies, drives me round the bend when they can't be honest.

Tea, course sounds great. I need some of that.

Sov, I know it's hard with XH and him seeing the kids, but really pleased that he is trying. I had a feeling that he would soon.

Aaargh, who have I missed? Today btw I sang to some swans in the park at lunch time. I am going crazy but I did enjoy it. Music doing great things for me at the moment. Surprising what a £15 pair of speakers in the bedroom can do .

Thanks Patience. I'll get there [hsmile]

The crux of what happened was one of the lady's there (who I do find abrasive and very no nonsense) pulled me into the kitchen and shut the door she said "have I offended you in anyway? As I notice you talk lots to all the other workers here but never to me, and when I said hello to you yesterday, it seemed you replied hello through gritted teeth".

If it gives you a feel for her she's in her fifties, slim, glasses, rushes around a lot. I've often noticed if one of the other lady's who is on door duty, doesn't lock the door immediately after letting someone in or out, she rushes over and snatches the keys and the locks door. If she's set to do one task on a particular day and someone else is meant to let you out, no matter if they're dealing with a clingy child, she'll call them over and make them let you out, as it's their job that day and she's supposedly busy [hhmm] I actually thought she was the manager, as she walks about like she owns it and has always been the one to tell me if DD has been naughty that day, or tell me that she shouldn't bring her comforter into pre school as she won't have it in reception so she should just get used to it now etc. I guess she just takes her job very seriously. Which is a good thing with children. However as I find her a bit OTT I tend to approach a more easy going member of staff than her if I have a question, always have done since January. Also the key worker for my DD is a lovely lady called Jan, so often I go straight to her.

Anyway, yes I find her abrasive at times and very direct. When I answered her question in the kitchen I just said "No not at all, I do find you very no nonsense but everything is fine" She said "Well I prefer to say I'm direct" She then asked for examples so I gave her one. I don't think quickly on my feet and when I'm caught off guard, I cannot think clearly but I didn't want to offend her, just to diffuse the situation but it all felt so horrid and unnecessary. So what if I do not talk to her lots? She's there to serve the children and I'm sure she does an excellent job. It just caught me all on the hop, her body language, her tone of voice, it was intimidating how she rushed me into kitchen and shut the door and I felt like a naughty school child. It's not like she said "How can we make this relationship better?" Or anything like that, I think clearing the air was all for her benefit not mine, as it wasn't approached in a sensitive way but very passive aggresive and confrontational and I was caught so off guard and just didn't know how to react. As I left the building I felt humiliated and felt it wasn't professional or appropriate at all the way she went about it. It's so difficult to put on virtual paper exactly how it felt and the atmosphere but I was very upset. Anyway it turns out my keyworker for Isabella is the Manager of the Pre School, which I didn't know and I had a chat with her when picking up DD and she felt it wasn't appropriate either and is going to talk to her. I don't feel guilty for telling the Manager as I was really upset and they all know I'm in the middle of a divorce and they are all so lovely. It's just this one person there I prefer to avoid. I think I feel vulnerable at the moment but know as the ads start to work I'll get to a better place in myself.

hi

oh no getting, sorry that you had that news today. hopefully things will work themselves out soon for you - hope it doe snot drag on for you.

i did go to my local library and took a butchers at what they have going on around here there is some stuff to do so i am going to look into that

patience, i don't think i was point scoring (at least i hope i wasn't) just that i was narked that i felt obliged to change my plans with the children just because he called ifyswim.
getting, things are usually quite spasmodic but have been even more so since she has been here - we really need to get into a pattern as i find myself not planning stuff just in case he calls, and i don't want it to carry on like this. take this weekend just gone for instance, i half expected him to want to see them so i did not plan anything but he never called.