ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

God I only popped out for a quick s**g & so much has happened

Lol, sorry about that, excuse my sense of humour! Reading all the posts I was questioning had I started to move on too fast but then I had to remind myself that apart from taking xh back briefly last year it's two years since I first separated.

Chairmum, I always have 3 dc's hanging off me aswell but have faith when you're ready to move on you'll have no bother attracting someone.

Patience, sorry to hear you had such a painful day today. ((Hugs)) I had so many days like that & I honestly thought my heart would never heal but time is a great healer. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Happy, hope you bag yourself a man soon

LC, know what you mean, I used to find the weekends so hard but again it all gets easier with time.

Rom, that's so sad about card ((Hugs)).

Amber, welcome back. Glad your x is stepping up to the plate with your dd.

Tea, hope you get the fuse sorted.

Sov, love your story about standing in street .

Getting, hope you had a good day.

Waves to anyone I've forgotten.

Armbow, I had that awful thing too where I tried to figure out which was real, the man who used to adore dc's or the man who was capable of walking away from them . Hopefully your xh will get back on track when ow leaves again ((Hugs))

Romney did you ever catch ur rat ?

Ok have decided to start reading an alanon book a friend gave me a while ago but i didnt think it was that relevent{X told me he wasnt drinking }Anyway it is called the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage.It cant do any harm will let you know how it goes,lots on self improvement of my character i would imagine and how i allow Xs drinking/behaviour to affect my serenity .

Hello all. I love these bright, crisp, cold days. I'm working tonight so xp will be staying to look after ds. Finally, he's found a flat although he hasn't actually signed for it yet. I shall feel very sad when he does because it just underlines how he has given up on us so easily. He hasn't even left me for someone else, technically. He has never asked to come back. The closest he's got is to say that he wants his family back which I feel is very ambiguous.

Patience, is your x an alcoholic? My x drinks a fair bit but I wouldn't describe him as dependent. My brother, on the other hand, is a chronic alcoholic. It is very destructive.

Yes last year 2009 it just took over completely and he completely detatched from me.Always drank a couple of cans everyday but said it helped him unwind after working hard,he does work hard that was never in question.But he was never in a pub b4 we had kids,then it became everynight and drinking at home and eventually drinking in the shed ,v sad .He told me after 3 mth bender last year he was sober and staying with a friend.Instead he was staying next to the pub and lied for 4 mths about how we would get back together he just needed a bit more time.Since we split for good in Aug he has gone somewhere i dont recognise at all ,it creeps me out tbh ,but yesterday he was v polite to me and best day the kids have had with their daddy for a long time .He is racked with the guilt of an alcoholic ,he has lost the respect of all his friends and familly ,it is only the thought of his kids that keep him going.In the end if i had let him drink in the house and been happy living with a cabbage we would still be together ,but i met a charming knowledgeable bloke and that is the father i wanted for me kids not a drunk.I know i cant change him but i can shield my kids and myself from the self destruction as much as i can cos ultimately his behaviour will destroy us all.I needed to break the pattern that my X grew up with and that is what gives me hope and strength now ,i understand why he is like it or why he is vulnerable to it but he has always said he couldnt live with me and that is why we split and i always said i couldnt live with a drunk that didnt want to save his marriage.I think time apart might help him but who knows he may never sober up in this lifetime that is the truth through all this.He has detatched himself emotionally from me and it kills me everyday.Best thing for the kids is it is amicable ,but like i said to sov i just feel he is waiting for all the tears and anger to pass then he will be the nice guy again that says its all so sad but thats life.He will live the single life drink at home and have no one to complain about his lifestyle .

How very sad. I didn't realise how big a part alcohol played in your relationship. My brother became completely estranged from his family and I believe alcohol played a huge part in that. I have seen him twice in 10 years - at our parents' funerals. He failed to visit our father as he lay dying despite numerous requests. He has been a crap brother and a useless son. Fortunately, he has no children. He tells me he his dry now. The turning point came when he was stopped after driving 200 miles and tested 4 x over the limit. I hope there is a turning point for your x, patience. It is a miserable way to live.

I think if you need to drink everyday then you are dependent ,just my opinion but even at his worst my X never considered himself an alcoholic,he had a home a car a job and a family ,he doesnt anymore.I think sometimes the thinking of an alcoholic is what i would be better spending time looking at.I am further away from it emotionally ie i am not the rescuer anymore but i think there must be patterns they are more susceptible too that i am very ignorant of.Something happened yesterday that wasnt nasty or premeditated but still jaw dropping re expecting me still to be looking after him .I know he respects me so much as a mum he just cant cope with my frustration and my emotions and i know he thinks he is doing me the greatest favour by staying away.He probably is .I just wish i understood it all ,but i will never get answers from him .
But what always happened was you got his tears and guilt,then i would look after him and he would get strong and happy and life and soul again[never took me to the pub i was just childcare ]then i became resentful it was all about his entitlement and total disregard for my feelings .Then the guilt and tears again.......

I think LC that i would never have believed he would have gone this far down this road.He has no one for support now.Unfortunately all the "friends " in the pub are all divorced alcoholics that X used to feel sorry for ,now he is one of them.His mother openly tells everyone he had to leave because of my nagging.Very hard not to have an opinion when ur X is slowly killing himself in front of you and your kids.I enabled him for so long you dont realise until ur completely out of the picture then they really drop away mentally and physically.It is the saddest thing in the world and why i found it so hard to give up hope ,i just wanted to see if we could work it out when he wasnt drinking,but i had to give up that hope to and that is what i struggle with.His destructive behaviour has been so painful to watch and to live with and now for him to show me no affection just kills me.But i guess after everything that has happened it is his way of letting me find happiness again because he knows the life he wants to live and he knows it will never make me happy.The bit that hurts is the drink will always be first,he can live without seeing me or the kids everyday [although he is riddled with guilt]but he cant live without drink.

Patience, I think you've got enough on your plate without trying to understand him. What's in it for you, at the end of the day? Put yourself first. Nothing anyone said would have made the slightest difference to my brother. It was only when he was faced with the possibility of a custodial senstence that he owned up to the problem. Even when he was drying out it was all about me, me, me. He is a very selfish man (my brother, not your xp).

Morning all, busy at work!! Actually I am but just thought I'd catch up.

Starting - I think the reason why I am finding trying to move forward so hard is my Dh gave me 2 letters since he left (and a card on our anniversary), both telling me that he will always love me and that our years together have been the best years of his life! It always comes back to what hold has the OW got over him. Sometimes I think that had she have been the one to end it we would still be together, I think he is a weak coward of a man who was or still is waiting for others to make the decisions.

And God Tea said, let there be light! And there was....

I went to my local hardware store this morning, showed him the fuse I'd taken with me and the very lovely Indian man produced a new and shiney one. All replaced and working now. Hurrah! Then I went to Homebase as I needed new Halogen bulbs for my kitchen light as well (which is what blew the fuse in the first place, when the 2 bulbs went) and replaced those as well. Hate dark kitchens, especially my little galley kitchen, it needs to be well lit. Need a lie down now I think

I think the abusive part really kicks off when you try and stand in the way of their drink.You try everything to get them to stop and in the end you are just resentful that the drink took your best friend away ,your lover and the father of your kids.Loads of dysfunction in my Xs childhood and i think that is why we were such a strong couple for so long ,we found peace when we met,we had so much in common from our past but ultimately when one partner wants to sort themselves out and the other doesnt it aint goin to work.I ended up being the rescuer to his victim.I think that is my worst nightmare that i meet some one else ,then my X sobers up and wants to try again .But i cant wait for that to happen thats the difference now i have to keep moving forwards away from him,and let him live his own life.

Well done tea!!!

LC i think everything i learned from alanon has helped me understand the disease a bit more and that gives me peace .Its only a little book so if i get a chance to read it tonite i will.I think all addicts are selfish/manipulative its the nature of it.The drink/drug etc will always come b4 everything else and they can always justify their behaviour at the time but their guilt is all consuming.
I think if i can get to a place when
im not angry/tearful anymore i will be doing well , showing others compassion is part of that i believe,but its tough sometimes .

Just catching up on the thread, Patience I think those posts of yours have given me a much more complete picture of your situation than I previously had for some reason. So hard for you ((hugs))

Romney my H couldn't make a decision either really and sat there waiting for someone else to make it for him. I did in the end. I began the divorce as he couldn't decide between me and the OW. I called him weak at the time as I felt he should've grown a pair and made the decision himself but I couldn't wait in limbo forever and he did something that finally made me realise I had to move on. Glad I did now, although it is lonely at times nowadays without a man. I have completely detached now and feel unemotional when I see him but glad he makes an effort to see DCs regularly.

I think there are other issues Tea that cause him to want to numb things with alcohol but i was always there to support him working thru things but he always denied he had problems and chose to keep drinking .Guess i just have to let him go.

"Guess i just have to let him go" These things take time as well all say on here and getting over the hurt and the many years together and missing the person you knew before things deteriorated as well. It's all very hard.

I don't think the ad's are working yet but I am feeling relief that I will soon start to feel more positive about life in general. Accepting the marriage is over and moving on can take a year, 2 years? Perhaps longer. I have accepted it's over now and do not want him back or miss him now but I'd only been married for 5 years, I think the longer you've spent with someone the harder it is to move on ((hugs)) Just my theory though. Everyone does it at their own pace.

I just think I just have to detatch and not think about reconcilliation anymore ,i have to concentrate on me and the kids ,just didnt realise how selfish my husband was until we split ,but the addiction was partly to blame for that ,but i think he will always suit himself sober or drunk and the reason he is staying away is he would have to step up to the plate now as i have a zero tolerance attitude,too much like hard work and real life ,easier to crack a can and see kids on a Sunday..I have to accept there will always be someone to fill his glass and give him a shoulder to cry on and that is the "victim" life he has chosen.Its sad but he made his choice and i have had to make mine,divorce.

Hi

Writing this from my sick bed. I have a stomach bug and feel like crap. I can't keep drinks down. Off to read thread as a distraction.

Some of these men just shouldn't have children. What do they see when they look in the mirror? Do they really think they are good fathers? I know it doesn't apply to all errant husbands. Yours sounds a decent chap, tea. But I'm glad you managed to sort your fuse out yourself .

Romney, your h must be very cruel, feeling guilty or totally confused to write such things. And even if he is confused he shouldn't be torturing you. I wonder what the ow would think if she knew. I would be inclined to tell her. Maybe that will bring him (and her) back to reality. He's living in a dream .

Tea - I started my ad's 3 weeks ago and they started to help me after 2 weeks, this last week I have been so much better I can't believe how much they have helped. I have had so many coments that I look so much better and have started to smile again. Give them time they really do work. I have been through my dad dying, my exh leaving, mum dying and never taken anything before but my DH leaving this time has knocked me so badly as I gave him my all.

I asked my X why he got married and had kids and he said"Well thats the million dollar question innit!"
After 16yrs if i didnt try and search for peace my head would be completely fried.My X has no shame ,he just wants everything to settle down ,he can see the kids once a week and pops some money in the bank for them.Thats it as far as i can make out.He says he will always love me and he wont be a stranger
It is a different world altogether he lives in .One with zero responsibility and long lies.He told me that once, he just enjoys the peace and quiet.

Patience I feel for you my xh was a massive drinker but I was aware of it when I met him and although it got worse I sort of knew what I was taking on. Although of course I didnt really, some of the stunts he pulled over the years are too shameful to even write on here.

In the last couple of years I hated his drinking but of course busily trying to be the wife he wanted I didnt complain.

When he left us within a couple of weeks he got an illness which meant he couldnt drink for a while. He used that as a starting point to dramatically reduce his going out and drinking. He has kept this up and for a time I felt absolute rage that all the destruction and misery his drinking caused and NOW he sorts himself out. I had been looking forward to hearing about his drunkeness and being able to say thank god I dont have to deal with it anymore. I felt cheated iyswim ?

Anyway he has said he knows its something he should have done before . I know its better for the dc hes changed and I might have had concerns about them staying with him as he used to be impossible to wake up at night. Also I know its whats better for their relationship with him as they are old enough to be very aware of even small changes of behaviour.

Saying that I have read about people who control their drinking and then go off the rails again and after his lifetime of heavy drinking I think he could yet fall into that category. I like to think I am a big enough person to not wish that on him , in time I am sure I will be

Hey all

Havent read anything yet will come back and read later

Am posting cause im in a fluster and am hoping this will calm me

X text this morning asking how DC were and saying he missed them and was sorry for the mess he has caused and that they probably hate him so i replied saying they were fine and missed him, then he asked if he really had to go to court for access and i said of course not then he asked the inevitable....can he come see them today and so i agreed he could at 4pm

I am now shaking and cr**g myself, i dont want to be here and i dont want to see him after everything he's said to me i really do not want to talk to him but i dont have a choice
It doesnt help that i feel and look like crap atm but i will swallow it and do whats best for my DC and will let you know what happens later

Btw not smoking went right out the window when that text arrived grrr

Every baby photo he is holding a can or there is one close by,holiday snap he is holding a can ,i just accepted it ,he came in cracked a can drank 3 or 4 then went to bed.Then it turned out he was drinking spirits everynite aswell and 2 pints at the pub b4 he got home.I didnt know the half of it tbh but the secrets are all part of it ,this time last year i felt lonely in my marriage and it was like talking to a brick wall but i truely never saw this coming ,i know people will say i was in denial but i knew there was a problem i just didnt know what to do about it but i think when the trust is gone and you bear the brunt of their selfish behaviour it all becomes sour and the only thing left is divorce ,if he had shown any remorse it would have been different but he still blames me for the split ,i think deep down i always knew that he would pick the drink over me and that is why i didnt have any boundaries i just moaned about it a bit then just carried on .Just so different with kids on the scene ,if they put drink in front of the kids then its time to leave !

Sov dont worry about the fags FFS smoke if it helps you,i always find it hard seeing X when im vulnerable but good for you ,dcs will love it im sure ,just try and get him to see they need a routine and if neutral place is better for you re visits then that is what happens big hugs thinking of you xxxxx