ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Hey, am still feeling crap but am dosing up on beechams flu plus so fingers crossed

Getting, glad your computer course is going well and i'm sure you will find the perfect house for you and DC even if it is smaller
Yay on amicable agreement :o

LC, i think X is just a knob, it probably didnt even enter his head the effect that may have had on us, he seems to live in his own little bubble where he won't let himself feel any emotions or guilt, in fact he's still in denial that he has stopped himself seeing DC and continues to blame me

AB, that you have unpacked everything already well done, i moved here 18 months ago and still have boxes i haven't unpacked lol am just going to leave them for when i move again next year, saves packing them again lol
And yes i believe it was fate this morning apparently i missed him by 30 seconds (phew)

Pumpin, i think your spot on, but i also think he's possibly waiting for me to go running to him asking him to see them, that way he doesnt have to accept what he's done, he's looking for an easy way back in without losing face, a few people said to me today is it possible he was hoping to run into us today, cause he knows if the DC see him they will be asking him when he's going to visit and that puts me on the spot to say he can come round IYSWIM he hates to admit when he's wrong

LC glad parents evening went well, my DS1 has assembly tomorrow too and i cant go :( usually X would have had DC while i went or we'd go together so we could handle all DC between us but i cant manage it alone and have no one else to come with me :( have explained to DS1 why i cant attend and he said ok he didnt mind but it's the first one i'll miss :(

Think your X has a case of the guilts which is why he's rearranging things and as for the dream, he's getting a dose of what we do, his minds preparing him for whats to come, you should have told him that it's going to get worse than that lol

LC - my sister owns a house out in Florida and I get very cheap flights so I usually go to the US 4 time a year, Im pretty lucky. On my flight back on Monday night I was asked to move seats as I was sitting on my own to the exit row seats that need to be manned during take off and landing, I ended up sitting next to a very nice man and had a good chat on take off, he said see you in 7 hours, and again I had to move on landing, we had another very nice chat and my children (22 and 24) had a bit of a laugh because they could hear us talking. When I walked past his seat when getting off the aircraft he had left his business card, Im sure it was only by mistake but my children thought there was a bit more too it, it made me feel quite good even if it was just a mistake!

AB - was reading one of your old threads about wanting you x back, I had bookmarked it so read through it again, I am trying to take as much as I can from peoples experiences that have tried to make relationships work after an affair and how hard it is, in the hope that I realise it would be harder than trying to get over him!

I read a very good book whilst I was away called "My husbands affair became the best thing that ever happened to me" very good and did make me see how hard it would be to make it work even if I did have the option (which I dont). I also bought "You, me and the other woman" and "How to heal your broken heart in 30days" and last night I ordered "Runaway Husbands: the abandoned wifes guide to recovery and renewal". So I am going to be busy and hopefully it will help.

XH rang me today he realises he has really cocked up with life.

Romney! No way was that a mistake!!!. Take that card and get in touch if you want to, that is . Erm, did you pick the card up? Do you still have it? If you picked it up then that is a sign that you should get in touch. But your first question should be, are you married? Then, prove it.

So xh (sorry, are you actually divorced?) has woken up, has he? And he deserves your sympathy because...?

LC - Yes I did pick it up, he works in production and was in Florida on business, he wasnt wearing a wedding ring (not that that says anything). I couldnt get in touch, he probably left it for one of the pretty cabin crew girls rather than me!! (you can see I lack self esteem and confidence)

No not divorced but I dont see why I should call him DH. I dont think he is after my sympathy, probably just a friend to talk too.

Sov i agree with all u said my kids did alright thru spring and summer because my X was telling me he was sorting himself out and staying at a safe place not drinking so he was popping in and around quite a lot but not for a long time half an hour here and there, just keeping me hooked in with kisses and hugs and hope.Then i found out it was all lies and he had been living it up next to the pub all along.Since we split finally in Aug he is realising that he has no hold over me at all now,no more game playing,i have asked for a divorce and its cold business now .I chat to men all the time just think of it as weeding thru til i find someone i want to go out with but im much more relaxed than i ever was in male company.X sent me a text 2nite saying"You will always be a wierdo"and i replied "Is that the best you can do ,leave me alone im looking after the children"
Guess i made the right choice!

oooooooo romney - that was not a mistake - he liiiiiiiiiiiikes you
wrt to wanting h back, i did want him back so very very bad and i tried everything to make my marriage work, to my own detriment in fact. i don't want h back now, but i want the old h back the one i fell in love with 13 years ago, but sadly that is not to be. i read on here once that a poster wanted to phone her old h (the one she knew before he turned into a cheater) and tell him what was happening so that he could come and sort everything out and make things better. i still feel like that now but that h no longer exists.

lc - h and i looked into moving to the states but like you the quality of life, retirement age, long working hours and lack of leave for workers put us right off!!!! BUT if I met a rich Texan who owned his own ranch then none of the above would apply!
glad parents eve went well.

patience - nods along to "selfish arseholes"

sov - keep taking the beechams!!!

Romney - you picked it up! How could you deprive those poor cabin crew girls if you really thought it was for one of them?! They don't even glance at the seats anyway and if he was on business then he would know that too. He left it for you and you know it! Get in touch, what have you got to lose? Your self esteem needs a huge boost right now. Because your xh does NOT see you as a just a friend so why are you lowering your status? You are worth a hundred of him and he knows it. About time you knew it too. So I'm speaking on behalf of all the dumplings here: any man who gets just a minute of your attention should consider himself very lucky because you are a top notch lady.

Patience, he's the weird one not you. And weird would not be my first choice of adjective.

Armbow, it was the 2 weeks holiday per year that put the nail in the coffin for me. 2 weeks? I get 8 at the moment and even that's not enough.

Thanks for all the messages re my dog, he is a huge miss although I still have another 2. I told DS3 (just 3) that he'd gone to heaven and has angel wings, he asked me if he'd fly back

Getting, glad the agreement is close by, you must be so relieved

Sov, can't believe what your xh did, how crap is that?!I agree with the others re fate. Hope you're feeling better soon

Rom, does this guy live nearby?? If not, PHONE HIM! Even if the card wasn't meant for you, you have nothing to lose, could do your ego the world of good

Armbow, you sound settled already in your new house I want to get some money together and do my house up the way I want it without having to consider anyone else, will have to wait till after xmas though.

Tea/trick/blood how are you today?? I hope you're feeling more positive now the gp has prescribed something for you.

Pumpkin, how's your house hunting going?? And why would xh call you a weirdo? Prick.

LC, great that your parents evening went well. Our school knows about us (infact they knew about it soon after h left in the holidays as he lives in close proximity to teachers and pupils) it was the first thing DS2 said to his new teacher. OTOH I have found myself looking at DS1's teacher in a new light Must get a grip on myself...

Have assemblies next week, I haven't mentioned it to xh yet. Things have actually been ok between us the last few days, I haven't got the energy to argue anymore and I know he is having a shit time with other things so I'm just trying to be 'ok' but also not asking any questions. I'm also starting to feel more normal than I have done since xh left 2 months ago, I sort of feel calmer inside, is this the serenity that you all keep mentioning??

Waves to all...xx

Why indeed Chyler ,its all part of being an abusive bastard ,i bet some women have been called a lot worse than that everyday of their married lives ,fat nagging ugly whatever you like its meant to get to you and i guess that is how i know i am getting better his bullying doesnt really touch me now ,i dont need to doubt myself ,i can love myself instead .If we didnt have kids i would NEVER see this guy again EVER!

Oooo nice name Chyler, thinking of changing mine to the other suggestions I was given: witchesbrewandeyeoffrogplease

Patience your X really is a wank stain on humanity as someone quoted on another thread I feel guilty for typing it as a church going girl but he really is a shocker! You're a top woman and he doesn't know what he's lost.

Need to go to bed, I've read all and retained little.

Romney - E-mail him, say you saw his biz card on seat and just wanted to say it was nice to meet him and hope x,y,z goes well fro him. I'm sure some of the other dumplings can come up with a better one. It's an opener to begin with A bit of harmless flirting will boost your esteem in now time.

Btw does anyone else this <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/eddie-cibrian-csi-miami-499x761.jpg&imgrefurl=www.popcrunch.com/eddie-cibrian-joins-csi-miami/&h=761&w=499&sz=86&tbnid=2gAs7HhN2cZWZM:&tbnh=142&tbnw=93&prev=/images%3Fq%3Deddie%2Bcibrian%2Bcsi%2Bmiami&zoom=1&q=eddie+cibrian+csi+miami&hl=en&usg=__7_v2VSKd5cwKcqD2cz6whXpjefc=&sa=X&ei=Rn-3TIuHOdOSjAfUzomhCg&ved=0CCAQ9QEwAw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Eddie Cibrian from CSI Miami is hot?

Sorry 3 typos in that message, just goes to show how tired I am. Bedtime for me!

Thankyou Tea ,i was thinking the same myself lol!I actually think after a year of this mlc/goin off on the piss bollocks ,he is probably realising the grass on his side of the fence isnt that green tbh.

Rom, definately agree with everyone else, that business card was for you, IME people keep business cards in their wallet so i really dont think it was left by mistake and why bother leaving it for an air stewardess who probably gets hit on 10 times a day? no that was definately for you...call him what's the worst that could happen?

Pumpkin you should have replied to X with a sarcastic put down of your own (i'm good at them lol) or asked him if he was really that bored and pathetic the only think he could think of for enteratinment was to try and have a dig at his ex wife ffs TWAT!!

CreepyC, there is nothing wrong with looking at DS1's teacher in a new light, you never know he may just look back and yes the calm is the serenity we all keep mentioning, savour it and when you feel like crap you will know the feeling your working back towards

Blood, yes i do think he's pretty hot i also wouldn't mind a piece of David Boreanaz

Can i also say i think alot of the verbal abuse i got was alot of projection ie he was projecting his feelings about himself onto me,maybe not,but the lesson i have learned is dont hang around with anyone that calls you a weirdo it really brings you down and makes you feel bad ,move away from the abuser/bully and hang around with people that like you ,it really does change your life !!When he says that to me now it just underlines i made the right choice,
ps Tea said wankstain ROFL !!!!
Thumbs up to Tea funny how you called it months ago tea and i was too blind to see it ah well thats marriage breakdown for you ,nothing is ever straightforward when you are living it x

Can i just say there is nothing wrong with being a weirdo, next time someone calls you that ask them to define weirdo and when they try just say "thats by your standards, in my book your the weirdo!!"

I used to get called a bitch a lot and i used to say thank you i am, i found it pissed people off if i agreed also the other week on a dating site someone messaged me and asked if i was normal, so i replied asking them to define normal of course they couldnt as everyones standard is different

If your a "weirdo and agree, be proud of it, if anyone questions it just reply with and?

Sorry, that's my opinion if everyone was the same the world would be a very boring place, hope i havent offended you :o

no i def see it as offensive and very very below the belt stuff from X, anyway i prefer UNIQUE !Mildy eccentric but never dull ROFL !

thing that makes it sad is that it is in my ds s vocabulary now ,as X used it so often to me ,again underlines that i made the right choice to proceed with divorce and keep this guy away from me as much as poss.

Sounds like you definately made the right choice and I too prefer the term unique xx

Having trouble sleeping am worried that X might be at the school again tomorrow, it was one place I could relax as I didn't think there was any chance of bumping into him there now I'm wondering what I'm going to do if we do see him (sigh) ffs

LC you will get to that place where you really dont want xp back. When we are thinking we want them back its more about wanting back the man we started out with and the desire to avoid the awful pain and ups and downs of the recovery process than actually wanting them. That was certainly the case for me. Glad your ds is ok at school.

Romney nothing ventured nothing gained if you fancied him ring him !

Sov about the assembly imo its the little things like that that are upsetting .

Patience weirdo ? Thats definite projection . Have you managed to get any set times he sees dc yet or is it still on a when he feels like it basis ? Thats a shame about the house seen anything else yet ?

Well I had a bad dream only my second about ow and I had my hands around her neck shaking her and asking her if she was pleased with her work on my family. Strangely as I was doing this I was having a good look at her and decided she wasnt all that to look at . Dreams eh you gotta love em !!

Need to contact xh today and tell him it all looks ok on the settlement and I am dreading it . Funny I am still relieved but somehow the fact its just business now is almost as hurtful as ow factor . It still hits me sometimes that where for so long I was the one he took care of and made plans for now I am someone who needs to be dealt with and got rid of. Thats probably pay back for being a SAHM and being so reliant on him for years but I dont regret any of that.

Had a nice evening with dc although am currently on a mission to reduce ds time on the PS3 to 3 hours on a school night. These months gone its been so easy to let time slip away and I have realised some days he could be on it 5 hours . Hes not impressed and I know most of his friends have unlimited time on it but now I am enforcing this I am realising how few other things he does ! As luck would have it theres a new COD coming out in a few weeks so he now has to prove to me he can do something other than gaze at a screen to get the game.

This weekend l am hoping to just chill with dc and take dd shopping for a coat for school queue more "but all my friends have" conversations .

One thing about selling house etc is that there is going to be a need for face to face contact with xh which I have managed to avoid for almost 4 months. We will have to sort out house, loft who is having what etc and I am dreading that not least because I know to him there is no emotion attached and I will hate seeing his excitement at it all moving ahead iyswim

Anyway hope you are feeling better Tea.

Waves to Pink Starting AB Chyler Chair Happy

Morning all. I've been awake since 05.30 which is most unlike me.

I really don't like all that name calling, especially bitch which offends me as a woman. Horrible for a man to say and not much better when a woman says it to another woman although I must admit I called ow a f*ing bitch to her face the first time I saw her after discovery . You must remember she was a family friend. And I did apologise profusely afterwards. During the drama of last week when I literally dumped xp in the middle of nowhere the worst thing he called me was a pain in the arse. I took it as a compliment as that was my mission so he was spot on there .

I have a day to myself today but I will spend it catching up on everything I've neglected this week. I need to make myself look fabulous for assembly if xp is going as I need to show him that I am doing just fine without him thank you very much.

Getting, I honestly believe that if xp begged to come back right now I would be able to say no and really mean it. You are right about not wanting to face the recovery process. I just haven't got the strength to face it every day so I find myself getting distracted. Or is that just getting on with life?

Do you have to be together when he gets his stuff from the house? Can you not just give him a day and tell him to get what he wants while you go out for the day?

getting -

if you are dreading doing the loft please take my advice - ask h to come in and move everything down on his own and put it in a spare room. you can then go trough it at your leisure when he is not there and he can pick stuff up when you are out.

my day clearing the house with h was horrible - it did not help my recovery one bit. you might remember that was the weekend i fled to my parents??

do it bit by bit little by little, all in one go was too much for me.

but....

once it is done (and I always knew it was going to be one of the things that i was going to struggle with more than anything in the process, as well as xmas ) i found that it helped me to compartmentalise that part of my life ifyswim. box the stuff up ship out and start a new chapter, its emotional, but well worth the effort.

hope you are feeling a bit better today sov.

lc - 5.30????? crikey how much make up are you putting on

patience - h called me manipulative - ffs

likey?