ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Hello GP went well been prescribed something to help. I accidentally posted this on AB's other thread but this thread is very funny for Halloween nick name ideas

Hi all, back from Florida, and actually had not a bad time.

I had my 3rd counselling session last night and not too sure how it is going at the moment. Dont know whether I have a lot of faith in the counseller but I will see how it goes, I get 6 sessions through work. What I cant get my head round is that I am unable to get closure as DH cant give me any answers, she said she thinks he has gone off the rails and is heading for some sort of breakdown and did I think he is depressed, so doesnt think I will ever get any answers. She wants to work on why I have such low self esteem and confidence in myself.

DH called yesterday, I said I didnt understand him anymore and what the counsellor has said re breakdown and he agreed with her and I asked him if he will ever get back on the rails re us he said he would come to his senses. I know I shouldnt ask questions like this as it gives me hope and I think I know in my heart that he isnt going to come back and really I have to get to that place were I shouldnt even want him back after all he has done to me. When I saw him before I went away I did say to him I dont know how he lives with himself as he has destroyed me, and he said is this the face of a happy man! Not my doing!!

Been on ADs now for 2 weeks, still have awful numb and sad feeling.

Armbow - I used to have those feelings when my exH left me for a friend, he could offer a family and I was on my own. I know the feeling exactly but Im sure he knows they are better off with their mum. Dont stress too much wait and see what happens, get some advice and then try not to worry too much.

LC - hope you are ok and have you found a new dog yet?

Starting - thanks for lighting a candle for all of us dumplings, hope it helps me I could do with some help. And good luck to you with your morning encounter, you lucky thing!!!

Hi to all other dumplings, hope you are all having a good day.

Romney its funny isnt it so many of us appear to be left by our hs whilst they are in the middle of some sort of emotional crisis , midlife or otherwise.

Is it a case of by definition being on this thread we simply dont hear of women doing similar things so much ? I remember Pink saying a while ago she doesnt believe in MLC and that men just go off their wives and cant be arsed with their kids anymore !

I know when I had a rough patch mentally and was a misery and piled on weight there were two things going on one was that xh wasnt remotely interested (in spite of the fact I had just held his hand through 6 years of unemployment)and the other was at no point did I consider the answer to my problems to have an affair or ditch my family.

I remember DM saying that so many men dont cope with midlife and leave perfectly good marriages (mine wasnt).

I think I feel so disillusioned about the male species in general they just seem so self indulgent and yet they bloody well get away with it. I really wonder what to tell my dd as she grows up about relationships as I have so few positive role models to refer to. I mean I dont want her to grow up really anti men but what can I tell her !!!

I expect theres a thread somewhere on MN about lovely kind dhs or maybe a dadsnet chronicling the shit behaviour of women

You are so right Getting, another thing about my DH was he had a really big hang up about getting old.

"really I have to get to that place were I shouldnt even want him back after all he has done to me"

I'm feeling very tired but I just wanted to touch on what you said Romney. Each one of us (I think) on this thread in the early days also felt fairly similar. I went through a prolonged period of separation with my H from End of October last year until March this year wanting to work things out in a way but also not being sure if we would and also asking questions like yours. Don't rush things, there are various stages that each person walks through when a marriage ends and it's a little different for each of us but it is OK to feel as you do. If things do end up turning around in the end and you work things out all of us dumplings will support you. I guess what I am trying to say is feel free and safe to post on here whatever is happening in your life right now and how you feel. You won't be judged here, this is a safe place.

Maybe that sounds cheesey but I hope you know what I'm trying to get across.

Chyler are you ok? So sorry to hear about the dog

Starting - glad things with Norm have improved

Getting - Really related to a lot of what you said in your post.

Romney - I'd give your counsellor a few more weeks and if they're still not feeling "right" for you, perhaps consider looking for another one? I know Starting is fairly knowledgable in this area though, so she may suggest a better plan here.

getting - i think id did see a thread in the relationship topic about the lovely thing some dhs do - funny isn't it my h hated the idea of getting old too - well they say you are only as old as the woman you feel ... so by my reckoning that means he has lost over a decade

rom - i think it was patience who said to me that hope gets us through the early days and it is probably just a way of our brains coping with the shock.

thank you everyone for your kind words both on this thread and my other one. i think my self esteem has been battered so much by my experiences with h that i automatically assume that if he did go for residency he would get it - i don't think he will even question residency tbh as he has never once done so. and after careful (rational ) thought i now realise that i am offering them the best care around - the total love of their mum. they are both so happy and seem to be getting through this ok at the moment, ds1's teacher even commented that he is extremely happy at the moment and she knows our situation. so i must be doing something right.

i need to build up my self belief

starting - gad to hear you are still finding serenity (ahem ) with norm !!!!

happy - glad your speech went well xx

hope you are ok lc.

i think my body has just ground to a halt

for weeks and weeks i have been telling myself "just get into your new house" it has been my carrot and now i am here i feel like i could sleep for 100 years. i even had an afternoon nap today and this is soooooooo unlike me.

Just your body 's way of coping AB nap when you need to it is all cool just now you had a v stressful time yesterday.I also think denial gets us thru things ,ie its our brains way of coping ,i agree Rom nobody will ever judge you here !!!!!My name was maybees at the start mebbies aye mebbies no is what we say when we are in a mebbies situation ,i always thought it would be mebbies aye but i think as i grew stronger and started to see things more consistently and he continued to be an arsehole it turned out to be a mebbies no situation.But i also think people change,i changed in an empowered dont take any shit kinda way the longer we were apart,X didnt try and sort himself out and just got worse ,and recognised i was stronger ,but thats a journey of nearly a year Rom so dont be hard on yourself ,i agree the more work you do on your self esteem the clearer you will see your Hs behaviour ,but dont look to him to fix things because only we can do that ,big hugs ,hope ur horse is cool ,give him a pat from me x

oh and car ok not life threatening will live to drive another day x

Yay \0/ So glad your car is ok. Hopefully it didn't cost too much?

Romney -it can take a bit longer for the ADs to kick in but if you don't notice any change soon you should go back to your gp

Chyler - so sorry to hear about your dog. I was devastated when my favourite doggy died :-(

Getting - I'm unsurprisingly down on men at the moment but those threads don't cheer me up, they just make me miserable!

Armbow - I find once I reach a goal that I can feel exhausted and need a bit of time to recharge - listen to your body.

Tea -hope you're ok

Starting - very jealous of things with norm. Might go a d update my match profile :-)

I'm feeling hard done by today and still angry at H and how he's gone back on the promises he made about me and the DCs never suffering from our spilt. He probably said that out of guilt. Grrr.

Time for bed now though. Another day, another exercise in keeping calm with a frustrating toddler who is mirror g my anger :-/

Lol "if I could light candles and have a sh** I would be v happy". Happy, really glad your speaking event went well but I had no doubt in your capabilities . Hope you have your feet up with a glass of vino

Hi Sov, great to see you back & hope things are going ok for you.

Hi Rom, glad your trip went well. Sorry you're lacking faith in your counsellor atm & generally by 3 sessions we should have a good feel for counsellor. I'm thinking that as sessions are through work that you're most likely tied into this counsellor? If you are then you're prob as well to finish off the 6 sessions & get as much as you can out of it. If you have the option of changing then perhaps you need to reassess why you are lacking faith in her. Is this something you could discuss with her & get a resolution to? Counsellors vary hugely & it's important to have one you can trust & have faith in but it does take a few sessions to establish a good relationship. I agree with Tea, just take your time with dh & do whatever feels right for you. I ended up taking xh back after 6mts, as they say love is blind & I had to learn the hard way . Not saying for one second of course that if you & dh did attempt to give it another go that it wouldn't work out for you. We are all different & likewise so are/were our marriages & what works for one may not work for another. Anyway, just go gently with yourself for now ((Hugs))

Getting, I wouldn't worry about your dd & good male role models etc. She will get this from many walks of life i.e. the father's of friends, teachers, etc. I agree that a lot of people go through a funny stage when the hit midlife & reassess their lives etc. I think this can be a v positive thing for most people. I don't however think it excuses what our xh's/xp's did to us. I think character traits such as selfishness, addiction probs etc were really the main factors responsible for our men leaving or doing whatever other twuntery they did & not midlife crisis's as such.

Hi Armbow, glad your feeling more positive again & also to see you haven't lost your sense of humour "well they say you are only as old as the woman you feel ... so by my reckoning that means he has lost over a decade" by that defination my xh has lost over 3 decades so ! On a serious note, I hate to be blunt & I genuinely mean no offence by this but from the stuff you've posted your xh is too selfish to want full responsibility for dc's or even 50% for that matter! I think you've nothing to worry about & in fact you may actually find as time goes by it's the opposite i.e. that he sees dc's less, unfortunately this has proven to be the case with a lot of these men

Hi Pumpkin, so glad that the car didn't turn out to be anything major, you could certainly do without that into the mix

Hi Chairmum, you are bound to feel hard done by, I almost feel it for you tbh. Of all the men on this thread I really thought your xh was one of the good ones ((Hugs)).

For those that believe in the power of candles & prayers tbh I do this a few times most weeks but hadn't thought to mention it before now. I pass the church a few times a day doing school drop off & collections so we do the whole candle lighting business fairly regularly, it brings me great peace & comfort & dc's love it too. As I'm lighting the candles I name each one for a specific person or intention etc & when I'm doing the one for all of you I actually say & this one is for all my Dumpling friends & if one of you is going through a particularly bad time you get a separate one, so there you go, there's a candle vigal in your honour lol .

On a different note something happened on Fri that I didn't bother posting about & I couldn't even allow myself to think about it until today really as the thought of it was plunging me into full blown panic. It was something that would have been a HUGE financial blow to me & could have put me into severe difficulties. Today after I came back from church I sat down to think wtf I could do about it & instantly I got a phonecall & the whole thing had been resolved . Huge relief! Got slightly carried away with relief though, dd wanted to go to shops to get a few things for dressing up for haloween. While she was busy in cl*ires I popped next door where I spotted a sale & did a bit of relief therapy

halloween vigil

starting your candles story made me cry - that is so kind of you - thank you, it is so nice to hear that people out there have our backs x

glad the finances resolved themselves, retail therapy sounds just the ticket right now - i found a boden dress in a charity shop the other day still with tags for less than a tenner BONUS

Ah Armbow glad it brought you comfort. When I was going through a real crap time with xh some rl close friends used to light candles & say prayers for me regularly & it brought me so much comfort at the time. I am a big believer in the power of prayer & candles etc & that our loved ones that have gone before us will continue to help us if we ask them. It has helped me on many a dark & lonely night . This too shall pass Armbow, you are a lovely girl with everything going for her & you have happy times waiting again for you just around the corner. ((Hugs))

P.S. well done on the Boden find . I have a nose for finding treasures myself in sales . I am actually now beginning to coach dd in this art, she got 5 items for the price of two today in cla*res . I justified my own little splurge because there was 70% off .

P.P.S. found another tiny white feather in kitchen today.

morning everyone

got my mojo back today - really am loving my new house and feeling positive!

tbh everything about the kids really put things into perspective for me - i haven't wondered what h and ow are doing at all - so it took my mind of everything at least . I remember when h left at the beginning my first thoughts were to the children, so that is where my focus will remain. i don't really think it is worth me stressing over immature actions by a young girl.

chairmum - they do a lot out of guilt i am learning - and non of it is not sincere, they are just easing their own subconscious. Sorry he has disappointed you. Hope your dcs are ok.

Hi all

Have read all the posts but there is sooo much to comment on i just hope everyone's ok and all the crap passes quickly for us all

Have been unwell lately (poxy cold) haven't really been on just lurking mostly

Have been doing ok, had my letter for consultant appointment come through yesterday, i'm going to be steralised, it was a decision i made before the split with X and i have decided i am still going to go ahead with it, i really dont want to have someone elses child (that sounds terrible) and i think 4's enough anyway :)

Took DC to school this morning and was running late, which is just as well as i was told that X had been there taking his nephew to school was not impressed by that, he can take his nephew to school yet cant even come see his own bloody kids and what would have happened if we had bumped into him? don't want to argue in front of our kids let alone a school full of them and if he'd ignored them...well it wouldnt have been pretty also if they had seen him they wouldnt have wanted to go into school and then would have been upset........talk about selfish and insesative arrgghhhh

Will be back later hope everyone has a wonderful day :)

Sov your x is really insensitive I'm not surprised you were annoyed. Hope you feel better soon.

AB sounds like you have moved into a new phase of recovery. I think I have sussed out that each new step forward is preceded by a wobble/melt down .

Starting I love the candles thing , I think I am going to go into one of my local churches this weekend just to sit quietly as I am not sure where I am at with god.

I have been busy on my computer course its going really well and keeping me from worrying about everything and making me feel more employable by the minute !!

Just been to look at a house , I think this must be one of the most expensive areas on the planet and the dc and I are going to be seriously downsizing. Hows your house hunting going Patience ? You might have said but why are you having to move in the first place ?

Had a wobble this morning at the gym watching footage of the rescue operation of the miners in Chile. All the men coming up were rushing into the arms of their spouses and I thought "Who will be hugging me when I am being rescued from a mine shaft in Chile" . Fortunately I got a grip and realised that this is one scenario I am unlikely to be involved in

Getting, I had a wobble when I saw the miners too. But I was on the other side wondering who would be there for xp. I don't think even his parents would turn up actually .

Sov, hope you're feeling a bit better. There's a lot of it about, as they say. Your X is unbelievable. Do you think it's possible that he feels so truly terrible about what he's done that he just can't face your pain or his childre's tears? Or is he just a complete knob? But as he didn't know you'd be late it's probably the latter, isn't it? I'm thinking more about the way he has distanced himself in general though. He just isn't facing reality, is he? Don't worry, it'll come back and bite him on the bum. Karma.

Armbow, so pleased you're feeling happy in your new home. It's a huge boost to feel you can achieve something like that on your own. Your house, your home and you don't have to ask anyone else where to hang the pictures or where to put the toaster. It's all yours from scratch. I'm planning on staying put in our house but I can afford to buy xp out. Getting his name off the mortgage/deeds will be a big step for me.

Starting, that's so nice about the candles. I'm not at all religious, not even christened but I sent my eldest 2 to a Catholic school and I enjoyed going to church then because the priest was so nice and everyone was very friendly. I have a good friend who is a devout christian and her church sounds really good fun, it's very low church and they have rock bands, singing and loads of social stuff. Sometimes I feel tempted but not believing in God is a bit of a stumbling block really .

Romney, glad the trip went ok. Dare I say it but I think you sound a teeny bit more positive now. You don't sound quite so overwhelmed. I think, like me, your story has a way to go yet.

Tea, I'm glad your gp prescribed something for you. I'm on citalopram and I wouldn't be without it. It was prescribed before the split as I have loads of other crap going on in my life. Doc upped it when xp left but it is still only a low dose. I wouldn't be without it right now especially as one of the good side effects is that it also seems to control my night terrors which I have had since childhood. You know those mad people who you see on the telly doing all sorts of weird stuff in their sleep, well I'm one of those! Never been on telly but I have been known to charge round the house screaming when I have an attack .

Chyler, you must be missing your dog so much. When my mum's 20something next door neighbour's wife left him my mum heard him sobbing his heart out and went round to offer him a shoulder to cry on. Turned out he was crying about the fact that she took the dog . We will be going dog hunting again this weekend.

Patience, that's a relief about the car. I was driving the other day and thought what would I do if I broke down or had a crash. Would I phone xp? Would I hell! I've got breakdown cover and insurance. Why would I even contemplate phoning xp - silly me.

XP was round last night as I worked but I kept out of his way. He still hasn't signed for a flat . I was deliberately late home this morning and he left me a note about resetting the boiler and signed it "Love M*** xx" I mean, like I wouldn't know who it was from? And why love and kisses on a note about a boiler ? Have to see him again tonight as it's parents' evening. Dreading the teacher saying that ds is unhappy or anything. We haven't actually told the school yet.

Hi to Chairmum, Pink, Happy and everyone else. See you later. x

Just a quickie have just spoken to sol she is happy so its looks like a nice amicable agreement is on the horizon [relief emoticon]

Waves to all back later

phew getting that is a huge relief for you !
also a very good point about the wobble followed by moving one step along the ladder, that makes a lot of sense.

how are our legals going starting?

lc yes i am soooooo happy to be away from my old house as it was starting to feel like a prison tbh. and it also feels goooooooooooood that all my boxes are unpacked and everything is put away - all done

your h is tying the waters isn't he to see if you would take him back, am i right in remembering that you have told him no way now?

glad you had a good time on your hols rom, i love the states, I am hoping i find a nice American man who can whisk me away to live in New England (somewhere I have always wanted to live)

Sov - ewwww that is a bit underhand of your x isn't it? fate made you late though, i believe in things like that.

Sov its all for a quiet life ,zero effort ,all part of the behaviour,he knows he has let you down completely and doesnt have a leg to stand on so will keep his distance till you get over him,then arrive back on the scene great X H great Dad as long as you dont get emotional ,he doesnt want to see any of that so will lie low til ur rage passes and ur tears stop falling ,shrug his shoulders and say shit happens but at least we can all be friends,meanwhile he will have long lies get pissed and smoke and veg in front of the telly ,well thats what my X is doing anyway ,what a selfish arsehole !

Getting i rent where i am ,landlord has sold up so we have to move .

Getting, that's a relief. Always good when solicitors agree if only from the viewpoint of less legal bills to pay.

Armbow, I haven't actually said "I will never have you back" to xp but I have made it clear that I do not want him in the house unless it is for ds. Last week I told him that he should pick a decent flat as it would be a long term thing, not temporary. Tonight I told him that I would sort out more of his stuff from the garage, loft etc. So it's just little things like this that I do to reinforce the message that he's not coming back. Of course, I do want him back but the thought of him coming back is actually worse than the thought of being on my own . I just need to get to that place where I say, why on earth did I waste my time on that prat? And I'm determined to get there. The thought of being independent and in my own house that is all mine, mine, mine keeps me going. I want to be where you are . Metaphorically speaking.

I love the US too. We go nearly every year, either to Florida or NYC. I looked in to living there as I have a job that could get me in, but the reality of living there is not great actually. Although I could earn a lot more most of it would be eaten up by health insurance. Healthcare is hugely expensive. Even if you work within that sphere, which I would be. I went to a presentation by a UK company that sends nurses to the US and asked what the retirement age was. The answer was that there isn't one, you have to work until you can afford not to. And if you go to the US and look at some of the really menial jobs there are an awful lot of pensioners doing them. Things like the NHS and the care of vulnerable people are close to my heart but in America it's a bit dog eat dog. It's still a fascinating country though but I'll stick to holidays I think.

Parents' evening went well. DS is doing well. He has a class assembly tomorrow. I asked xp if he was going. Why did I do that??? He wouldn't normally. We had an understanding that one of us would turn up for anything like that, usually me as I work nights but xp would be there if I couldn't. So why on earth did I ask him cos he then said he would rearrange things to be there . He then told me he had dream that I was in a swimming pool being chatted up by 2(!) young blokes and he woke up feeling really angry. Why can't I have dreams like that? I wouldn't be feeling angry when I woke up, I can tell you. Well not unless we hadn't progressed beyond the chatting up bit