ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.8

[teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

That all sounds so positive getting, great stuff.

Sounds good Getting big hugs still cant find that bloody dream book.
Ok had a good morning then viewed house oh lord above !You would not believe red louvre blinds everywhere ,mirrored tiles up the stairs ,white lino tiles with red paintwork in the front room and kitchen ,felt like i needed a lie down,ds doesnt understand the concept of garden fences at all and i think letting agent was horrified when he suggested going into the neighbours,will get down on my knees and pray 2 nite as things not looking great LOL!Oh and engine management light came on 2 nite so car going to garage tomorrow ,prayers and more prayers i think x

Hello again ladies,

Getting - that all sounds very encouraging!

Well we went to relate for two sessions a couple of weeks ago, and I learnt some really useful things.

The first was that H still does not give a damn about me. I had the opportunity to tell him how I have felt recently and during the breakup, hoping that with someone else there he would actually have to listen. Most of all I wanted him to acknowledge that he had been using terrible double standards in judging me yet excusing all his own faults. Nothing, no reaction at all. The only things he really volunteered were that he felt I was hassling him to see baby Anya and that coming round to see her on the evenings he doesn't have DS 'eat up all his free time'. Selfish bastard doesn't quite cover it.

However there was a really positive aspect to it all. The counsellor was brilliant and while I was pouring out my frustrations and trying to get H to see sense, she made me see that I really couldn't change him, or control his behaviour at all. All I can do is communicate my expectations to him and use my experience of him to protect myself from his behaviour - and the children as much as possible. It was frustrating but I felt liberated realising I didn't have to consider his feelings, I can just do what I feel is right. That has led me to try to change our relationship somewhat and I am trying to set out more boundaries for myself.

If course then at the weekend he did something really crappy, which I shall tell you all about after I've jumped in the shower.

As I think I said, H is going to Spain at the end of this month, originally for a long weekend, now for 10 days as there is a work-relevant conference the following weekend. He is staying with a woman, the same age as us. She's a friend of a friend and they met once. I know they've been chatting on facebook but it seems they've been texting too, as I get a message from H on Saturday night, when he's out on the free post-conference booze (which he assumed I would be fine to swap DS's times with him around for, because it's work!) he 'accidentally' sends me a screenshot of a text conversation with the woman he'll be staying with. It starts "I love you baby, and if its quite alright I need you baby". She replies "you shouldn't waste your texts quoting song lyrics, and besides I might get the wrong idea and tell you I love you back"

He replies "I do love you" and she says "me too". The final comment I can see is "I'm not drunk of course"

Why on earth he was texting a screenshot of that to someone I don't know, but it wasn't a nice thing for me to read. I think I'm more annoyed that he is shirking his responsibilities with his children to go and be with someone else (whether that was jokey or not I know him well enough to know that he will be hoping for more after that) and jealous that I don't have the opportunity to go out and meet people because I'm busy caring for OUR children than actually jealous of him. But still, it hurt.

Of course I maintained my serenity with him, calmly told him he must be stupid,drunk and more insensitive than normal to post that, and to kindly keep his private business to himself in the future. I had a good rant to a friend though, and am seeing more tomorrow that I intend to offload to, if only for the opportunity to get some more insults off my chest :-)

Added to that he implied I was taking advantage of him occasionally asking him for lifts and for Him to spend time with DD during the day (especially as she is generally asleep or grumpy if he ever manages to see her in the evenings). I told him in no uncertain terms that taking 10 days for himself was taking advantage, and that it was no longer my responsibility to automatically cover for his work stuff, and that from now on i wouldn't ask him for anything and that if he wanted to change our original agreement we would have to negotiate. And of course he completely forgets that I look after one of our children almost 24-7! Grrrr!

On the work front I am going to resign as a director but not until I have seen a solicitor and worked out a value for the business that he will agree to, so that I can use it in the divorce if I need to.

Wow that was a lot, but then i've been away for a while. My nice new iPad that I wasted my maternity pay miscalculation on is making it easier to post now though :-)

Ah, too much to comment on. But I will attempt just a bit.

Chairmum, lovely to hear from you and awaiting more of your news.

Getting, you seem v together. Long may it last.

Pumpkin, patience, somewhere good to live will come through in the end I know.

Trick tea, I feel totally worn out and my house is a total dirty mess. I can relate to some of the things that you are saying.

Pink, I need to find your thread.

Waves to all - too tired to say much, and big speech to do at conference tomorrow.

Another one that is lower than a snakes belly FFS !Your counsellor speaks wise words chairmum ,we do learn how to protect ourselves from their head fuck behaviour but it bloody hurts too but it is a skill worth learning none the less.At least you know ur instinct was right all along CM i just still reel at the lack of responsibility these blokes have as someone said to me today ,you grew up when u had kids and he didnt bother.I think i am still in shock from that one ,Prick !
Can i just say that when i type that word on my phone the predictive text comes up prickwillow takes the rage out my mood somewhat and i usually dont send the text

"you grew up when u had kids and he didnt bother" How true is that!

Chairmum your H is unbelievable! Grrr

Blimey Chair, xpost sorry, your H sounds like he is trying to take the p*.

Chairmum, I am so sad to have read all that. Your h is a plonker! I had always thought you were diff from the rest of us & that your h was too. I used to think he was just a bit confused & that you would manage to sort things out. I am actually amazed at my own reaction because I feel v with your h behaving like such a disrespectful twat .

Trick, wishing you best of luck tomorrow.

Happy, you are a true dumpling vet, you will blow them away . Best of luck.

Patience, sorry to hear about the house, will keep visualising you in lovely abode surrounded by trees & serenity

Well this might give ye all a bit of a laugh. Have organised a rendez vous (sp??) with Norm for tomorrow morn. He was texting back & forth tonight so decided to kick start the foreplay so to speak. Text him to see what he was doing...............the response, he was doing his ironing!!!!!!!!!!!. It's never going to work is it?????????

Patience, good luck with your car. I just dread that phonecall from the garage. Hate spending money on a car. The house does not sound as if it would promote feelings of serenity

Chairmum, it is awful to be presented with such evidence isn't it? It made my blood run cold when I made a similar discovery, I felt physically ill. However, it has helped me to distance myself from xp. So although it hurts, it also helps. I know I am doing the right thing because I have the evidence before me.

Getting, I would love to feel indifferent to the ow but as she was also a friend and tried to manipulate my children I think that is highly unlikely.

I am trying to avoid contact with xp at the moment. There are times when I really miss him.

crikey

i accidentally hit hide thread button for our thread and it is taken me a while to find you all again. some kind poster over n chat had to help me out .....panic over

off to read thread - i have another thread on the go in relationships - i am in a mild panic but this is not based on anything h has said. it is called "am i being irrational about residency" that basically sums up where i am at at the moment.

LOL Starting, ask him what he's wearing next time

Patience, sorry about the house, hope you find your place of zen soon, will keep my fingers crossed

Getting, I am in awe of you for getting to the place you are in in such a short space of time. My xh left me mid august and I cannot imagine being ok with hearing about OW's involvement with the kids. Anyhoo, I'm glad you had a lovely time.

Chairmum, am at what your xh has done to you! Why on earth anyone would sink so loww as to send anyone a snapshot of a conversation of that nature, especially to their x, is beyond me. It's good that you took away something positive from Relate though, realising that his feelings don't come into it and taking action on it is a big step forward I think.

Trick, hope the gp appointment goes well, I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks for all the good wishes for my dog ladies but unfortunately xh was right, he died somewhere between 5 and 6 this morning I wasn't with him at the time but let my other dogs in with him so he wasn't alone. Got to give xh credit where it's due, he came round this morning and wrapped him up (I have a bit of a fear of dead things) then came round tonight and did most of the digging and buried him. He was really upset after, I wasn't sure wehter I should try and comfort him, but thought no, I can't do it. It's hard trying to be a stony faced cow when it's just not in my nature. RIP Jack, I'll miss you buddy

Oh and btw lc, good luck with finding a dog. All our dogs were rescues, we didn't even have to go looking, xh always seemed to stumble across them!

Big hugs Chy ,one more star in heaven x

AB hope the feeling in your tummy has eased a little by the morning .FWIW i think he will prefer visits rather than residency .Its a tough job bringing up kids and i just dont see our lot ever digging that deep,i think they enjoy their nights out and selfish bloody lives and thats why they left in the first place.They love their kids in a "few hours when it suits them[maybe working up to overnight eventually],cos ur a great mum and can bring them up "kind of way.

i have skimmed thread

so sorry about your dog chyler

welcome to newbies

good luck with your speech happy

lol starting - he didn't get it did he???

hope you are feeing ok tea.

chair - it is horrible when you get something like that shoved in front of your face - hope you are ok

getting - great to hear you sound so positive about things

lc - hope you are well and you too pink, mumfun, rom, amber,sov, and everyone else - sorry if i have missed anyone off but i am sooooo tired

Just a quick post

good luck today Happy and thanks again for the photos, is this in front of your new tough boss ?

Chyler I think I may have mislead a little my xh told me things were over last October and actually left boxing day so its been a year. Sorry about your dog glad your h is being ok and helping out.

Chair hope you are ok that sounds hard to deal with

Tea is it today you go to the docs? Thinking of you

Patience cars are my least favourite subject at the moment and actually houses too LOL as you would say !!! Hope something turns up soon

LC after all this time I can take the part of the serenity prayer ie accept what I cannot change re ow and thats how I do it. Also by not allowing myself to form any pictures in my mind and not asking too many questions.

Starting on the other hand Norm was meant to be forming pictures in his mind . Enjoy it for what it has to offer for now

AB how are things in your new place ?

Today is all about computers and job hunting so not very exciting but necessary. I always feel calmer about the future when I am doing things about it - Action Conquers Fear. Also if I can I want to start looking at houses today not that there seem many around to view

Armbow,

just read your thread. I'm sorry but what a total wanker !!!!!!! He had NO RIGHT to introduce the dc to her. That's just shocking and I would also say mildly abusive. What's he trying to prove ? They're not little trinkets he can use to show off with ffs. He's being immature and self serving and disregarding your feelings. I feel really angry, how dare he.

Don't worry about residency, no judge in their right mind would make tiny dc live in 2 homes.

I thought she was over here for 2 weeks and then going back ?

Your h is like a 6 year old in the playground showing off his conckers to the girls.

yes she is only here for a short while pink, silly isn't it ?

lol at conkers

it was the presents that got to me - i would never presume to buy children presents if i did not know the kids (unless i was trying to get them to like me - again this makes my stomach churn), she had obviously been primed as well as they were right in line with what each of them like.

nothing quite prepares you for that moment when your child says

"daddy's mew friend is a nice lady"

Armbow, my heart goes out to you. It really puts it in your face when the ow has interaction with dc's. I read some of your other thread & I agree with Pink, Pumpkin & others that men like this are too selfish to ever want dc's more then on a part time basis. It is v v childish & obvious that neither of them were really thinking of what was best for dc's. As ow's visit was so short it seems pointless to have introduced her at all . And more importantly it's way too soon to be introducing dc's . ((Hugs)) for you.

Chyler, sorry to hear about your dog ((Hugs))

Patience, hope you get good news on car front & also for house.

LC, it's v early days for you so you are bound to still miss xp. ((Hugs))

Happy, hope you knock em dead today.

Getting, hope you have a productive day.

Well I am happy to confirm that Norm is back in the running again . Him making the effort to take time out of work has earned him lots of points & services rendered exceeded all expectations . He knew I'd pulled back & was reassessing so he's stepped up to the plate to make an effort which is nice .

Just back from church & light a candle for all my dumpling friends .

Hope everyone is doing ok.

P.S. Am aware that it might sound like a contradiction to some, wild s*x in the morn & then visiting church to light candles but am happy to report I have a broad minded loving God in my life so tis all good

lit

Starting you lucky thing

AB posted on your other thread hope you are feeling calmer now

Hi all, just returning from talking event - Luckily got through it ok and only c.30 watching in the end which was not too bad.

Need to find your thread AB.

Starting, if I could light candles and have a sh** I would be v happy (mm happy by name and happy by nature....)

Waves to all

Just a quick hi

will have a read through later, hope everyones ok :)