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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

883 replies

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:08

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful Hmm

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super. Confused

I'm angry, can't you tell?

OP posts:
BarmyArmy · 27/09/2010 13:05

Pfft - you're clearly still very angry, understandably so. I'm sorry for adding to this by my post earlier.

I had intended to provide "another point of view" to the one being put across by those seeking to insult your husband but have only wound you up, which was crass and unhelpful of me.

I hope this works out for you.

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 13:10

I cannot call her as he claims to not have her telephone number and to never have called her or spoken to her on the telephone in any way. I don't know whether to believe him or not, but cannot find any evidence on his phone to the contrary.

IMing and emailing is far more like him. Of course, he may have spoken to her at some point, maybe from work, and maybe he knows that there is no way I can find this out. I have warned him that finding such information would be the absolute death knoll, as I have asked him for full disclosure. So I suppose that I have to move on as such, accepting that I have all the information, because there is no way for me to know otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 13:15

I understand your point, Barmy - that by insulting him, are they not in turn insulting me? I chose him after all, he is my husband.

But up until recently, he was none of those names. What he has done makes him those names, if only related to his actions, not his wider character. He is still all the other things he is, as well as the nasty things. I did not marry him with all this under my belt. I married him years ago.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/09/2010 13:31

Sorry, wasn't he texting her from his mobile? That will show her number won't it?

And what about his phone bills, or is he on a PAYG? If it's a work mobile and the bills/invoices are sent there, ask for the last 2 years' worth.

loves2walk · 27/09/2010 13:59

pfft you are doing the right thing getting as much insight into this as possible through your information gathering. Keep going with it because it is only when you can be reasonably sure that you know all the details, that you'll be in a position to make a decision about what is best for you.

It sounds like you are going to have to force your H into disclosing everything. He is trying to only admit to what he has to admit to - he doesn't yet accept that he must meet your need right now for knowing everything. Maybe talking through your situation with a solicitor and letting him know that, will be enough of a sharp wake up call.

Mouseface · 27/09/2010 14:02

I thought that WWIFN.... I thought he had text her?

Pfft = the hardest thing that I found to deal with was the lies. The deception. The fact that XP thought his behaviour was ok.

Life as you knew it is no more and only you can decide where you go from here, regardless of what is posted on here, good or not so good advice etc....

You are the decision maker now. You are in control of what happens next.

Take your time. Follow your gut instincts too.

Whatever you decide, your DCs will be fine. Children are strong. They see things as very black and white. And they can often deal with a lot more than some would imagine.

But, for now, you have to focus on you.

Have you told your mum yet? Or anyone else?

Malificence · 27/09/2010 14:29

AFAIK, MSN saves all chat logs automatically in a file on your computer, I know this because there are 5 years worth of DD's chat logs on our main pc!
I'd be digging into the computer files like a dog with a bone - the name of the file could be changed into anything. Wink

SheWillBeLoved · 27/09/2010 14:42

MSN is set up to save chat logs automatically, but only when it is freshly installed. After that first chat, when you close the box, the option to save or not save chat logs pops up and so wouldn't save anything after that if they chose not to save them.

When you next get access to the laptop, I'd suggest turning them back on and naming the file they are saved to something random that wouldn't arouse suspicion.

BarmyArmy · 27/09/2010 15:23

SheWillBeLoved - so, the OP should tackle his sneaking about with more of her own?!

I have to say, you are unlikely to discover the full extent of this by these methods and, by encouraging the OP to do this in the way that people have been, she will be left with the presumption NOT that there is nothing left to uncover but that her husband has simply been more cunning than she presumed (am thinking of other attempts to prove negatives here - no Iraqi WMD? Ahah! they were simply even cleverer than we first thought!).

I think what is needed is a proper sit-down discussion between the OP and and her husband, wherein she makes him well aware that only total honesty will do.

loves2walk · 27/09/2010 15:25

Yes that discussion is needed. But the only way of knowing if what her H is telling he in that discussion is the truth, is if that information tallies with her own findings.

BarmyArmy · 27/09/2010 15:35

loves2walk - I know what you mean...but there remains the fact that she simply cannot KNOW the full facts in this case and, by placing so much emphasis on her detective work, she will come to what might be an unfair conclusion (on the other hand, it might be fair ? my point is that she can never know one way or the other) that the reason her digging around has come to naught is not that her husband has nothing else to hide, but that he has just been cleverer than her in hiding it.

SheWillBeLoved · 27/09/2010 15:36

BA - What I suggested was something I have done myself. You know what? I'd still be with the prize prick if I hadn't done it. It told me everything he didn't, even after having a talk exactly like the one you suggested.

Also, as stated, it was offered as a suggestion, a solution if you will to her problem of not being able to see the chat logs, not an order. If she'd rather not play like that - she can completely disregard the comment and move onto the next.

BarmyArmy · 27/09/2010 15:44

SheWillBeLoved - fair enough. How unpleasant for you. Some people can be very selfish.

BohoHobo · 27/09/2010 15:56

Pfft I really have nothing to add other than my good wishes that the future is bright for you, whatever it brings.
Take care.

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 15:57

Sorry - I said text because it was on his phone. He has a smart phone and I always refer to it as texting but it is email messaging using an e-mail address. He collects them in a text message stylee on his phone.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 27/09/2010 16:01

Pfft - ah, I see. That makes sense.

Can I ask that people don't talk about Pfft like she's not here? It seems really rude.

This is a thread that Pfft started asking for advice. Bit of respect?

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 16:08

I waver between what you both say - Barmy and SWBL. I want to see the chat logs of what they have already discussed. But I don't know if I want to be monitoring future things. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to check everything. Where I have to police him to find out if he will do it again. I think that if that was the only way I could live with the marriage, then I wouldn't want it.

I have told him that total honesty is required. That I want full disclosure. And that if there is anything else that I find out about that he did not disclose, that will be then end, no questions. Whether it is related to this woman now, or anything else that is hiding in the closet. He has assured me that there is nothing. I suppose I want the logs of the past conversations to test that. Maybe if I find that he has disclosed everything, then that will help.

I don't want (should I forgive him) to have to live for the next 10 years checking all chat logs, email records. I will send myself mad. I suppose that if I could not truly forgive him then I would have to say goodbye.

I told my mum today and she was very supportive and gave me some good advice about practical things.

I think that at some point, I have to accept that I will not get any more information. I will have to decide whether I can accept what he says - that this is all the information that there is, and move on. If I cannot accept it, then I have my answer. But I can't keep on rifling. There is a finite amount of stuff to find out. At some point, it will be time to move on from this.

I hope the fact that he was so entirely rubbish at conducting this whole affair is an indication that he has never done it before. There was no decent hiding (OF COURSE assuming that there is not more and this was a deftly created front for another life with children or something)of information, he was truly terrible at hiding this. Which is why I found out 6 days into it.

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 27/09/2010 16:15

Pfft I don't know if I posted what I meant too or if it has been lost in amongst a long thread, or even if it was a load of rubbish but let me say again that what your h has done does not mean you have had any problems in your marriage or that you have done anything wrong.

I had an EA and my husband is my best friend, has always supported me, has never let me down and is the man I want to be with forever. the EA man was an ex and that is all there is to it. I would never have done it with anyone else and I never would. Our marriage was damn good, it was just this other man was who he was.

BitOfFun · 27/09/2010 16:26

I think your situation was somewhat different though, wasn't it, pinkbasket? Pfft's husband has begun an affair with a total internet stranger, not re-kindled a dead love interest.

Pfft- can I just say that I think you are handling this with real dignity. I'm glad you've told your mum too- it's good to have some back-up.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 16:29

I wouldn't be placing so much emphasis on what he says under fire, either

The man is a proven liar

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 16:37

Thank you BoF - you were very kind in the earlier bunfight. You have been very nice to me.

AF - I know. That's the thing though isn't it. Do you believe what they say ever again.

Would you forgive this? I am quite an unforgiving person. Uncompromising in my beliefs. I am struggling here.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 27/09/2010 16:44

Pfft - I forgave the first time after a lot of should I/shouldn't I moments in the dead of night.

But not the second time. Only you can make that decision, it doesn't really matter what we all say.

I'm glad you told your mum.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 16:47

pfft, are you asking me personally if I would forgive this ?

or is it a general question to the people on the thread ?

my answer is no...but that is only mine

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 16:47

I know - it's my decision. I was interested as to what people who are in theory unforgiving and intolerant of such things actually do when faced with the situation.

How long did it take for him to do it again?
What was he like before?

OP posts:
BarmyArmy · 27/09/2010 16:48

Pfft - all that matters is whether you would forgive this. We each come to this with our own baggage, which affects our judgement.

What makes you say you are quite an unforgiving person?