Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

gingerwig, I am glad you are getting enjoyment from the thread. Really. That was the plan all along.

Footlong. All you know is what I have posted. I posted a comment that you have extrapolated into something preposterous, placing your own spin on my words. My very edited, quick and sloppy words. I did not attach the importance that you have placed to my words when I said them. I won't be able to convince you, because clearly your experiences have led you to see somthing else in what I said. I am not attacking your views, I am saying that you have taken something from my words that did not exist.
Although it feels right now that I do not know my husband at all, I certainly know him better than you do, and for you to assume what he might do in this situation is simply incredible.

I feel quite disappointed that you have taken 6 or 7 picked out words from my entire thread and used them as your own soapbox for your own agenda. This is my shitty life, not your opportunity to say your bit for Fathers For Justice, or whoever you support.

Ignore them Pfft. You have enough on your plate.
Take care of yourself love xx

pffft so sorry - this is the grimmest.

Be kind to yourself, eat/drink/rest as much as you can. You will think more clearly and cope better if your blood sugar is regulated properly. Get Slimfast or those Nourishement drinks if you really can't face food.

Take time to work out what you because before the helpful contributon from footlong on how you can manage the future politics of your family you need to get through the days/weeks/months and you will need to know what you want and why in order to do that without going crackers.

...and for what it's worth my experience family courts is that the are unlikely to base a judgement of either parent based on evidence from an internet forum or one remark made in the moments following a revealation of infidelity...so y'know, try not to lose too much sleep over that

Pfft - Fine say what you like to him.

I wish I had never tried to give you advice.

Pfft - sorry for your crap situation. Things are going to be horrible for a while whatever you decide to do. Glad to hear that your H is going to stay away for the week to give you time to breathe. Please take time to think everything through and don't be rash in your decision, whatever you decided. You don't have to give an ultimatium on your relationship today, tomorrow or next week - let him sweat it out a little or a lot . Take care and be strong.

Footlong, don't worry, so do I

AF is not warped, footlong. And saying "in the nicest way" doesn't stop it being offensive and wrong.

AF is right, women do think differently about this, when contemplating the reality of me having a physical affair the first thing I knew was that I would lose full custody of my children. Why should their father lose them, and them him, when it would have been me that was in the wrong?

I reasly hope I don't regret saying ^ but I wanted to give a real life example to prove how right AF is again.

Pfft - I am free from 10 if I can do anything?

Blimey, you do one night of ironing and it al kicks off.
Pfft, how are things this morning? Are you OK?

pfft how are you?,silly question i know ,

sorry that hubby has put you in this hurtful place,please don't forget to take care of yourself,eat and talk to us,

no need to rush,you have all the time,and right now its him who has to sweat not you,

Thanks, pinkbasket

I am feeling less angry this morning. Well, I should bloody well hope so, I don't think it would be possible to feel any more so.

He left this morning until Friday.

It doesn't really feel real. And at the same time, I can't help but think that it would be so easy to pretend it never happened and go back to normal, because it almost feels like it did never happen.

I know it's not the same as a physical affair. But I feel that it is still infidelity. And it's harder. Because if he had met her, I would not hesitate in my decision.

I can't believe that some posters thought it acceptable to have their own discussion on what was or wasn't implied in the middle of Pfft's cry for help. Look how easily twisted words can be.

Pathetic.

Morning Pfft

Did you get any sleep? Have you said anything to the DCs yet? How did you leave it with him?

Sorry for all of the questions. I hope that you manage to eat something today. Try and get some rest if you didn't sleep. xx

Keep on keeping on and all that. It does get better - this is the numb autopilot bit.

Pfft - I am back a bit later than expected but I am here now if I can do anything to help.

Pfft I have been thinking about you - saw this yesterday and you kept popping into my mind all day.

I hope you have managed to eat something and are feeling a bit more together today. Sorry, I don't have any advice but really wish you well. Keep strong, you are doing brilliantly so far. ESP

wishing you well, pfft x

This all sounds so familiar, it was probably a monthly experience in my relationship with my ex until the straw broke the camels back 2 weeks after DD was born.

OP don't feel like you are overreacting here. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what he said/did/didn't do with her, it matters how much his actions affected you and your relationship with him. And if it is a fucking lot, which it seems to be, then you are well within your rights to react to it however you see fit. Whether that be just having some space and then moving on from it, or splitting up for good. You have to think of you, and what you want, because he certainly wasn't/isn't.

Don't forgive him on the basis of 'Well it wasn't a real affair...", because it was. A sexually charged emotional affair. And as I said above, if he can lie to you and keep this from you - what else is he capable of keeping from you?

Do try and eat something :) you need your energy now more than ever with this weight on your shoulders.

I believe it didn't get actually physical (if you can trust him on that...or others, he don't have a good track record in honesty does he ?...) because he was found out

nothing he can say would make me believe 100% that he wouldn't have taken it further, given the opportunity

and he was manoevring closer and closer, towards creating that opportunity for himself

So sorry you are going through this. Really admire how clear-sighted and ruthlessly logical you are being in order to slice away to the truth. You're clearly much cleverer and more aware than numskull. Hope you're able to get some RL hugs and support as well.

Have had nothing to add to the excellent advice but a couple of points have come to mind:

• the porn watching imo is at the heart of this, since he's progressed to what is essentially interactive porn online, then writing himself into role and then fantasying having a relationship with the woman he's scripted (which possibly could have become a reality). The porn has also desensitised him to your relationship and to the fact that what he has done has so crossed the line. If there was to be any attempt to salvage your relationship, the issue of porn would have to be addressed in your relationship.

• even if he does sincerely apologise, your respect for him will be zero. You probably rate the dog, the postman, the lint in the tumble-drier higher than him at present. So, not only will he need to regain your trust by proving himself but also will have to regain your respect. Often they have so diminished themselves in our eyes there is no going back, even if you believe they are truly sorry. It's well worth them knowing this, as it's not just a case of you forgetting and moving on.

I hope you're holding up okay Pfft.

For me, it's the fact that he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong that is the killer.

I may be mistaken but it feels like it's normal for him and he's had other cyber relationships like this before, until you get to the whole truth, you can never move on.

If this was his first and only time, surely he would be mortified that he had got so carried away, he seems to be defending his right to do this as and when he pleases, whereas he should be doing anything and everything to apologise and lessen your hurt, if anything he's adding to your pain.

Thank you everyone. AF, for last night, and everyone else, for your words and thoughts.

I have told the children that he has to stay at work for a few days. He has done this in the past so there is nothing unusual there. He is calling tonight to speak to DS.

I did e-mail her, as WWIFN suggested to ask for her version of events. She wouldn't tell me anything but then e-mailed him to tell him that I had been emailing her and she thought that he had a right to know. He sent the e-mail on to me. I told him that he needs to block her and asked why he had not done it already.

It's hard. I believe him when he says that he didn't meet her or that he didn't make arrangements with her. But of course, I have no reason to believe him when he says it would never have got physical, if he was given the opportunity. After all, a couple of weeks ago he and I would have claimed that he would never do what he has done now.

WWIFN and Dinah, there is clearly some sort of bigger sex issue. The porn. Looking at the history in the internet, it gets more and more frequent, he is looking at more stuff. He was searching for swinger clubs in the area. I asked him about this and he said that he was thinking about what sort of things we could do when the children are older. Which clearly means he is delusional. We have a adventurous sex life. But I would never go to a swingers club, and he should know that about me. It is the sort of thing that I would hate. I think that his sexual ideas and wishes have gotten out of all control.

I truly think that if you are able to make a go of your relationship after all this, his giving up the porn has to be an absolute condition

no ifs, no buts

Thinking of you pfft. I agree with AnyFucker, the porn is a big issue. I am no prude, but I do know that the more it is used, the more one is desensitised to it and there becomes a need for more explicit stuff and then real life experiences.

I think the swingers search was a manifestation of this need.

It sucks

It doesn't get any better, does it Pfft.

Delusional is exactly the right word for him, he sounds more than a bit obsessed unfortunately.
Most people think about what grown up holidays they can have when their children are older, he must be totally creeping you out.

Is he actively trying to make you hate him?

Mal, he seems to have moved on now. Initially I thought "how on earth can he think nothing is wrong?" But I think that this is how he was justifying the whole escapade to himself. That it was ok. The forum we were on was very flirty and some of the members took flirting too far, IMO. Clearly this is not a place we should be. I think he got caught up in that and it went from there.

He moved on to remorse and tears and "I'll do anything" at some point last night. We are talking properly again when I have had some time to think. He says that he wants to grow old with me and that he will do whatever it takes to make things right.

I hate the fact that if we continued, our marriage would always be tainted. Not that it was perfect, but like it was worth 10 years less.

Pfft, what a shitty, shitty thing he's done to you. Now that your rage levels are coming down, I hope you don't feel tempted to write him a free pass on this too easily.

He will be desperate for everything to get back to normal ,and will come back from his week away hoping that his life can resume as it was before.

To be honest, I think a lot of good men do stupid things and can be forgiven but as others have said, he should be absolutely tormented, remorseful and ashamed of himself for allowing this to happen. For allowing it to happen, for enjoying it, for wanting it to carry on. For being sorry only that he hurt you and not that he did it in the first place. That really isn't enough, not by a long way.

Your sentence "He thought at the time that he should be able to say those things to her if he wanted to, so he did" made my blood pressure rise on your behalf.