Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

I have decided to give up on the WAP detectivery. I can't get enough information to make head nor tail of it. He has a million apps running on it and they transfer data a lot. He sends emails on it and browses websites, downloads programs and updates and all sorts of shit. I won't get anywhere except round in circles.

He is getting rid of the phone anyway and getting something brick like and basic with no email capability.

The children are ok. They went off ok, I had to leave DS's door all the way open and the landing light on though.

pfft, you head off to bed now x

Thanks, AF you too!

sweet dreams :)

BA- It is Pfft's right to not want balance in this thread. It is a support thread not a balance or sensible suggestion thread. But I do agree with you that AF loves offering poisonous advice to a person in a bad situation. I genuinely hope for Pffts sake that she doesnt have her decisions influenced (consciously or sub consciously) by some of the posts on here.

I hope she talks a lot more to her mum, and some real life friends who have more perspective than AF.

And believe it or not Pfft, not everyone who says things you dont want to hear, wishes you ill. I hope you sort this situation out so you can find some happiness, and also your children.

Pfft one of my concerns on this thread is that the spats and unhelpful contributions are serving to "lose the thread" - and so issues like your H's use of swinging sites, to mention but one aspect, are getting lost.

Can I suggest at some point, you re-read this thread, so that you capture what you need?

Pfft, just looking in to see how you are doing, it's taken some time to catch up!

I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you take a break from investigating the intricacies of your H's communication with the OW? I agree absolutely with WWIFN and others, that knowing everything is important but there's a point at which the endless and tiring pursuit of such emotionally draining information can become unhealthy in itself - and it's easy to slip into a need to know rather than a rational want, IYSWIM?

Take a break, have a breather, shake out the cobwebs and approach it again once you feel in some way replenished.

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising ...but I ended up with PTSD as a result of reviewing my X's behaviour so repeatedly, relentlessly and meticulously.

Look after yourself and things will start to become clearer

Great advice bast.

Thank you, Footlong...was beginning to worry that I had a myopic view of things and no-one else could spot it!

Footlong- I believe that I have said, more than once, on this thread that I welcome balance. So maybe you should read the thread for the things that I have said before you start spouting your "believe it or not, Pfft" rubbish.

I have tried, repeatedly, to tolerate you (and Barmy) and your insulting posts about me and my relationship. I have not been rude, in fact, I would say that I have been the most polite on on the entire thread.

Now though....really. Can you both take your agenda elsewhere. You, with your bullshit comments about my husband and what will happen in the courts, and Barmy with his polar view to AF that he somehow thinks is valid where hers in not.

I have stated over and over that I will make my own decisions, that I will not be influenced by the views of those on here. I am a grown woman and can see things through my own eyes. I am the one who has seen and heard things first hand. People on this thread have told me their stories and asked questions designed to get me to think. AF has told me several times that she would rather not tell me what she would do as it is her opinion. In fact, the only two people repeatedly barging in with their opinions, and "facts" rather than questions and experiences are you two.

So can you just fuck off? And if you want to have a love in about how marvellous the two of you are, then go and start your own thread where you can just shout opinions at each other without offering anything actually constructive.

morning pfft

Just a quick check-in before I head off to work.

I hope you got some sleep. x

WWIFN - the swinging stuff is something that I have been pondering the last few days. This is how it started, having looked around some more. Maybe you could help me sort the thoughts out in my head?

Someone online posted a link to a club that they were going to. He said

"such a different world to mine! I'd really love to know what that's like. I think!"

Then after another comment says

"There could be a million reasons not to try, but if you're up for going that's great. I'd love to see some real pictures from a typical event there to put it into context. I've no idea how interchangeable partners tend to be etc. Hope you have fun either way!"

Then, there are searches on the internet history where he has looked at clubs online but then searched for clubs in our area.

I am sure that the excuse about sex and us in the future is bollocks. He said something about just being interested, not knowing what it was about and being curious. Now while my fist instinct is to say "yeah, right"...I have looked at similar things. Not the sites, but maybe a wikipedia page if I want to know more about something. But then, this isn't a wiki page explaing what happens, this is a club site where there are pictures. So......

I completely agree with what you were saying before about the chain of events. He started on a forum where people post suggestive photos. Then there is the porn, which gets more and more frequent, and though I don't know for sure, probably more hardcore in what he is watching. Then the swingers stuff, then the online chatting.

Could you talk to me a little more about the sex and swinging stuff?

BarmyArmy - Nah mate. It def isnt just you.

Thanks, af, have a good day!

I have told him that he should come back this evening. I need to talk to him face to face. I was very clear that this was not indicative of any decision (and did also tell him that I was planning on talking to a solicitor), but that I need to see his face when I am asking him questions. I feel that nothing is getting resolved like this. Not that this is necessarily the time for resolutions but I dislike the stalemate. I need things to move.

He went to Relate last night. They told him that there must a problem in the relationship . He has asked if I will see someone with him. Are all Relates like this? Would we need to see someone else to find someone that doesn't think like a moron?

Footlong -

take it somewhere else!

pfft - relate will work on what he tells them my ex span a while bunch of nonsense in there and they have to take people at face value (as they would with you were you in there)

A cynic might say it interesting that he's shifted his poition from accepting the blame totally to using a thrid party's opinion to tell you that there WAS in fact a wider problem.....

Now I'm not usually a cynical person. (It's hard to say if my position on this is polarising to counter the nonsense spouted by Barmy and footlong though!

I found relate to be helpful, but only if people are being honest with them.

Do YOU want to go to Relate?

If you're not ready to think abou it, fair enough he messed up, HE has to be patient.

DO NOT BE RUSHED into anything, you need to be as sure as you can be. (Sorry for the bossy shouting btw!)

Thinking of you

Perhaps a sex/porn addiction website will offer him better advice than relate can Pfft?

A very quick google brought up www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/

www.beatingaddictions.co.uk/BeatingAddictionPornography.html

Sorry Pfft, I've just had a look at the 1st one and the links take you to a religion based site so I don't think it will be of much benefit.

Morning Pfft

I have to say that I'm pleased you feel ready to talk to him face to face.

I'm also pleased to see that he went to Relate, was that off his own bat?

I'd see what he has to say tonight before yo decide on Relate.

Maybe talk about how he found it in more detail and what he thinks it can bring to your relationship if you or you both go.

Take your time.

Maybe make a list of all the things you want to say, not to fire at him, just so that you don't miss anything.

I hope you got some sleep. What time is he going to be there?

Will he see the DCs too?

Pfft I think you are being very brave, mature and calm about all of this, and doing the right thing BTW.

Well done on keeping calm re posts on this thread!! Admirable.

And Good Luck tonight. Just make it clear you need full disclosure and to understand why things have progressed like they have and what happens if his curiousity has not been satisfied (as it appears not to have been as yet).

Bast - I totally agree with your post. I got very obsessed with checking every little detail of everything dp said until in the end I was almost gleeful when I caught him out in a white lie/mistake - not over the internet stuff but over say buying a loaf of bread Checking up on him became the first thing I'd do every morning and last thing I'd do at night.

It was something I felt I had to do but it got very unhealthy for me. For me it took a long time of what he said tallying up with what I'd 'checked' and also the change from me having to ask him for information to him actually volunteering it. That made a big difference.

The swinging thing is interesting - it sounds like more than a casual 'wonder what goes on there' to me. I wondered what genki porn was the other day (was mentioned on mn) so I googled it, very funny - but I also called DP and showed him it and we shared a bit of a laugh. His interest seems to have a bit more intent iyswim. Were you on the same forum? So did he know you could see his messages re the swinging? If so, that seems a bit better maybe, a bit more 'open'.

Sorry am rambling.

Morning pfft, hope you're managing to eat today.

The thing that would worry me about the swinging messages was the absence of chat to you about it that evening. You know the evening that he had those messages, it must have been on his mind, if he had wanted to pursue it as a sharing couple activity, wouldn't he have mentioned it to you? Checked with you that you wanted to find out more through pictures etc.?

He isn't showing signs of being open about this swinging stuff and the more hardcore porn sites.

Try here - it sounds as if it is a "sex" issue more with him more than anything else. These people may be of more use to you. I seem to remember a thread where the op's H had frequently used prostitutes and she was directed here.

Me and my DH have recovered from an affair, it's hard but it can work. But they have to make the changes and you need to look after yourself. FWIW, we have a much better relationship now. We did Relate but had a very good therapist (who also did private work) who wouldn't accept any crap from my DH. Basically he has now "grown up".

Good luck.

Also about the Relate comment - he could have interpreted the relate counsellor as saying there was a problem in the marriage and be hiding behind that.

You could have sat in on the same session and come out with a different interpretation IYSWIM? I wouldn't throw away the whole idea of going to Relate just yet, but maybe too soon for you right now.

Morning pfft :)

Glad you finally stopped being so polite and reclaimed your thread :o

Relate can be unwilling to put the blame on one partner, particularly if that partner doesn't go into great detail. If your h went and said "I have problems looking at porn, it went too far, and I feel as though it was giving me something I wasn't getting" then a normal reaction would be "there may be something missing in your marriage that can be mended" IYSWIM

My h completely twisted things the first time we went (different circumstances though) the second week when she asked what he had done since the last session and I told her she was completely shocked. Due to his twists he had made out that our problem was very different to the ones we actually had. She changed tactic completely. And when we saw her again, much later she was clearly wary to make him give the whole story and not just hint at things.

As for the swinging thing, I think that must be a major obstacle. If he was actually planning for your long term future to contain something that you cannot imagine doing, then this is a problem that you will need to overcome at some point. Him just saying "I've changed my mind" won't be enough.