Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

Oh I feel for you so much pfft. I know that flat feeling too. In a way you're grieving for the relationship you had, or thought you had. You will feel up and down and you are likely to feel angry towards your H for that emotional rollercoaster he has placed you on.

It's a shit place to be.

My H spent weeks maybe even months denying his friendship was any more than that. He deluded himself and denied my feelings, he told me I was ridiculous for being threatened by her. Then when she declared her attraction and he declared his, and she told him she loved him....well it all went pear shaped. What a mess. He only admitted everything the day after I slept in the spare room (first time ever) and phoned a solicitor to talk about divorce. THEN he told me it all.

It took ages to forgive, but I suppose I have now. I checked his blackberry messages without him knowing for weeks and it was only when I had weeks of seeing his accounts to me of their contact, tally with his messages that I was able to move on.

I wanted to say something to you about respect as you said last night you worried about the loss of respect. I thought about this last night.

I seem able to live with a varied approach to respect for my H.

So I don't respect the fact he allowed himself to be so flattered by another woman. Or that he lied to me repeatedly. Or that he enjoyed flirting. Or threatened our marriage etc.

But I now respect the fact that he never once blamed me for his weakness. I respect that he never put any pressure on me to resume sexual contact before I wanted to. I respect that he changed so much about himself as a H, as a dad at home and as a person. I respect all that about him and love him dearly. I stopped loving him at our lowest point, I almost feel I hated him. But he has managed to regain my trust and my love.

Evey situation is so different. But yours is about you and you need to trust in yourself that you will make the right decision for you. You will, but it is early days yet.

Pfft, it's hard isn't it. I am finding that one minute I can be positive and forward thinking about the whole thing and the next minute I am sobbing and in disbelief again. Barely any time goes by when I am not thinking about the betrayal and I am still having the odd day that is awful but generally I feel things are slowing getting better. The hard times are further apart and they are not quite so painful.

I am worried that if your H is away for the week you will not be able to move on at all because you are not able to talk. I found that even if I was feeling slightly positive in the morning before my H went to work, by the time he got home I was in a terrible state again because all my thoughts were having time to build up and run away with me. When he is home I can let it all out. He has been very good at answering my questions and taking everything I throw at him and it helps. He doesn't argue because he knows how wrong he has been and he has no defense. He just takes it all and after every outburst I feel a little bit better.

You need to be able to talk it through and your H needs to know that he needs to be honest or you are never going to get anywhere. He needs to know that you cannot begin to understand and possibly forgive if you don't know what it is you are forgiving.

I knew my husband had insecurities from the past but it wasn't until this week that I have started to realise how insecure he has been more recently about other aspects of his life (not about us as a couple).

I know our situations are different, I'm not sure if this is helping at all. I have found that just posting on Mumsnet helps a little, I suppose it gives a chance to offload. x

Here here, loves2walk.

PBGirl - good point. This is a good place to offload but it carries the danger of uninformed opinion dressed up as 'advice' (I hold my hands up to this as much as anyone).

Samaritans are excellent sounding-boards off whom to bounce one's feelings, without the unhelpful (if well-meaning) "advice". A call to them allows one to explore one's feelings with no fear of criticism, judgement or it being pointed out where you have been inconsistent with an earlier post etc.

I have used them a lot and used to work for them, hence my enthusiasm!

When I say you need to know exactly what his betrayal involved, I don't just mean the black and white facts but the feelings that it gave him and what compelled him to do it and say the things he did.

I found that too PBgirl - that the hard times are less frequent and not so painful.

I don't think you are in any danger of brushing this under the carpet pfft - you sound far too strong for that.

But it does change everything. I haven't been on MN for ages, just busy and getting on with happy life again. But then after reading your situation pfft, I wanted to offer support and have got back a level of negative emotion this morning (about my own situation) that I thought I'd left behind. So it takes time, a long time for some. It is very distressing to be betrayed by someone who says they love you. Keep reaching out to people in RL and here for support.

Great to hear from you Loves being in a better place. My goodness, that was a journey wasn't it?

Pfft. Yes. We confided in a few people - a mix of family and close friends. People who loved us both, had our best interests at heart and wouldn't judge us. Like Brian's H, my H went to see some of them off his own back, to explain and reassure. Like I said downthread, a couple of the older relatives came out with the "It was on a plate, what was he to do?" remarks, which by the time we told them, we could laugh about and challenge.

I think the hardest thing we had to cope with amongst the people we told was their inability to accept, despite everything my H was telling them, that he hadn't been unhappy in our marriage and that our marriage had nothing to do with this at all.

Little by little, most of them learned to understand and feel now that they have gained new insights into the complex nature of infidelity, but it hasn't been without its frustrations and at times really hampered my own recovery, because I felt that a couple of family members were almost blaming me.

It's a tough call, telling people. There are so many bloody myths about infidelity and battling them with people can be exhausting at a time when you are putting all your energies into the new relationship and recovering from it all. On the other hand, you need support and it's important for people to learn from this.

I remember our teenaged son telling us at the dinner table one night that he had learned a lot about the pain of infidelity, how it can happen in the best of marriages, how to guard against it and a lot of lessons about the nature of forgiveness. When he said that, we both felt that something really good could come out of this horrendous experience.

Yes thanks WWIFN, a long and painful journey. But made much easier by people like you being kind enough to give up your time and offer advice and supportive words.

I second what you say about telling people. Pfft, if you are thinking of who to tell/who to get RL support from, you might need to analyse what their reaction might be first.

You really don't need people judging you or your marriage right now. Just pick those people who will understand the important point about how these things can and do happen in happy marriages.

Only just seen this thread but am going through exactly the same scenario here...'d'h wasnt himself for most of August, picking arguments, moping about etc etc all came to a head on 21st August he said he wasnt happy wanted to move out fro a few days for 'space' etc, he went and came back after 5 days tbh nothing resolved I was suspicious as his phone was never to be seen etc etc, he walked out half way through DD1 6th birthday party on Sat 4th Sept and my neighbour saw him talking on his phone, he went out that night (was staying at friends which his DW confirmed) anyway Sunday he says still not happy wants to go and see how he feels etc etc, he left on Monday 6th to stay with his parents (dd1 birthday was Tues 7th and I can honestly say hand on heart I have never ever seen a child so miserable and upset on her birthday teh whole thing completley stressed her out she was making herself sick with worry and wet herself at school ) my best friend said she will never forgive him for how he ruined DD1 day.

Roll on till next weekend, he saw DD's on Saturday we talked he said he wanted to try again and that he missed us etc. On the sunday he said he would see the dd's in the morning (and told DD1) then text to say he had a puncture so couldnt see them, cue lots of other random excuses anger got the better of me and I tried to log on to see his phone bill, knew his password but not customer number so I will admit that I got my brother to ring and pretend to be DH to get it for me, opened phone bill and 1154 text messages and 400 minutes of calls to one number (the date they started matches when his attitude changed) I withheld my number and rang and a woman answered I hung up. I was fuming and then my SIL offered to ring and speak to her, she rang and 'd'h answered her fucking phone, so the lying git had blown out seeing his dd's and upsetting them to be with her. He appeared an hour later claiming they were friends and although he had been out with her the nigfht before they hadnt slept together (he confessed to what had happened and swore he hadnt slept with her I still have the jury out on that one)

Anyway 2 and half weeks down the line I range in every emotion to somethimes thinking we can sort this to never wanting to be involved with him again, we talk we go round in circles, we say one thing then change minds etc I think we need to go to counselling etc, he iscoming round to talk later as I have said that I am speaking to a solicitor. He says contact stopped but has changed his log in details on phone account which makes me dubious but at same time he is happy for me to sort a new phone in my name so I can view calls etc. Just wanted to say I know how you feel and the lies and deceit and for me knowing he was texting her the minute I wanst around hurts (he even text her all day the day I took DD1 to London and he had DD2 with him)

Thank you all again. Yes, that is what I have been thinking. Mainly is parents. Of course, if we split up, they will have to know. My concern is that if we work it out, and they know...it will not be pleasant. They are not supportive, they are old fashioned and they don't like me very much.

I'm annoyed now. I think he is being too friendly. It seems like maybe he assumes that we will work things out. It's not that he isn't trying any more - he has deleted his normal FB account (already rifled through) sent me log on details for his phones online billing, has contacted his old job and asked for the bills for his old work phone. BUT he clearly knows that there is nothing on these things. ANd I am still second guessing. In his e-mail, telling me that he has asked for the phone records he is chatty, asking about day to day things.

Pfft 'D'h did that day after I found out he texted about normal day to day stuff??? My parent sknow he has moved out but not the reason why, PIL's do know the truth (he is staying there) but only know because MIL asked me outright if he had been cheating and I wasnt going to lie. My closest friends know and some of his friends know, both of our siblings know too. My family have stayed out of it (I asked them not to ring/text hi,) however his family have been emailing me (SIL sent me a few emails that really got my back up then she found out the tuth and apologised) MIL and FIL are having huge family lunch Sunday and MIL expects me and Dd's there so his grandparents etc do not ask questions why we are not there

eandh - changing the log in details would make me furious and tell me that he was still lying. I would not stand for that bollocks.

currently, H and I are working on the assumption that he is being honest from now on. If I were to find that he was changing log in details and more, that would be the end.

I hope that you can work things out, or at least that you can be happy again.

PB I see what you are saying about the absence. And we can't talk face to face. But I think that I need the space. I can't be around him right now and I am still fact finding. There i still information that I need and if I find something bad, then I need to be alone when I find it I think, so that I can assess what I need to do before I see him. Friday does seem like a long way away though. I also need him to be by himself, to be able to keep to himself and to see that he misses us.

Right now, I could never see him again. Happily

Oh believe me the Shit hit the fan when I realised, he cant work the computer so couldnt work out how he had done it, till I checked his phone records, Orange had rung him (he phoned to complain about data protection the day I got his phone bill online and he admitted what was going on (the day my brother phoned..doh he wouldnt have got the info if I didnt know all the security passwords anyway and I could have found his customer number if I had bothered looking for the original contract) I did point out to him that Orange probably realised he had got caught out by his wife and laughing at his complaint especially when he had authorised me to speak to them back in February when he had a problem with his phone! He says if I have to check him all the time I cant trust him...noooo really he honesly thinks I am going to trust him straight away!!

Pfft, does the 'chatting' thing that your H is doing right now, seem like he may be minimising the deceit/betrayal in the hope that you will move on past it?

In which case, you're right to be annoyed and not respond with chatty back. In my situation it really took me telling my H about a phone conversation with the solicitor for him to get real and realise I felt his deceit was 'big enough' to split up over. I think the thing that made him flinch/hit rock bottom was when I said the solicitor had said that what he had done was bad enough for DV on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Were you planning on speaking with a solicitor? Might be worth it just so you have the strength from knowing your rights

eandh might be worth starting your own thread on this, because I think we can help you, if you want us to. So sorry you're going through this, it's bloody horrible.

Oh and the last 3 weeks when he hasnt been here I have settled the dd's into new routines and DD2 never even asks about him DD1 occasionally asks about him and I make a point of never texting/ringing him unless I have a missed call or a text from him first, if DD1 wants to speak to him I ring the number and pass phone to her.

He has been the one texting the last 5 days saying he misses us, wants to make this up to me and teh dd's...I tend to ignore/not reply to these as at the moment I have the moral highground and need to keep this on a more practical level until I know what is going to happen between us

Only you know what is best for you Pfft. I will be thinking of you and I'll check in later to see how you are doing. x

WWIFN - Thanks I may do later once we have spoken..almost started one when it all kicked off but didnt as not sure that SIL/MIL dont lurk here at times (they both know I use MN!)

Yes Pffft, I agree with Loves - it sounds like he might be minimising this, in which case some reality is needed. I wonder what sort of conversations he's having with anyone? It wouldn't surprise me if they are of the "Get real, she won't bin a marriage over a few sexy texts. Let her calm down for a while and everything will het back to normal" variety...

loves2walk

I don't think that he is trying to minimise. It's hard because over e-mail you see no emotions. I think it would be different on the phone. The chat makes it feel like it is business as normal. But that is me, he isn't saying that. Its irrational.

maybe then if he is not minimising, he is using 'normal chat' to get an emotional connection with you, reaching out to you? He may be very scared right now about how this will go and desperately hoping you aren't going to call time on your relationship.

or he is arrogantly thinking "if I just carry on as normal, pfft will shut up moaning after I've done my few days penance and we can all get back to where we were before..."

AF - heaven forbid you allow a positive interpretation of events slip past without you pi$$ing on it from a great height!

BA do you think try to goad someone into an argument on here is going to help pfft?

Of course there are several explanations of his behaviour

loves2walk - yes, there are several explanations but AF has time and again judged the husband in this situation more harshly than anyone with any pretence to 'balance' would do.

It's as though she has an axe to grind and seeks to split this couple up.