Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

No worries, Dinah , I don't mind.

will you have to be his parent ?

guiding him in the relationship minefield about what is/isn't appropriate ?

will you respect someone that has proved himself so emotionally (and morally) incontinent ?

because I think that is something most of us learn at about 7 years old...

No I won't do that, AF. I won't sit with checking on him for years, I can't live like that. I would rather be by myself. It is comforting for me to realise that while I do love him, I don't need him. I can be by myself, I can look after the children and get the day to day shit done. It is nice to have him, but I can do "life" without him.

I won't be a babysitter.

The respect issue is massive for me. I don't knwo if I can respect him like that. I don't respect him now. Maybe I could respect him if he showed me that he could be respectable. Because he hasn't been.

I don't fucking know. I am comfortable with who I am emotionally. I know what my standards are, and what I expect from everyone else. it is not this.

don't forget the most important thing

respect for yourself

I could never respect myself if I felt I had rolled over for him.

there are people who will say that pride never kept you warm at night...

Pfft - you won't roll over for him, that's why you are doing what you are.

You are taking your time and finding out as much as you can to make an informed decision. You're not taking this lightly or umming and ahing for an hour.

You are considering your marriage to a man that you thought you knew, and who knew you.

You are considering all options and your family as it stands now, but also in the future.

Even if you do not kick him out for good, you will NOT have rolled over.

yep, i second that mouse. x

AF - that is what an electric blanket is for.

Even sitting here, it almost feels that I am writing about someone else. That I never imagined that he could be this man. I find myself looking at other couples and wondering if they are happy, or if they have been through the same thing.

pfft, I think we are on the same wavelength x

Hello Pfft. Sorry to hear what you are going through, I have only picked up your thread this evening so I have had a lot of reading to do! You do seem much calmer now than you did at the beginning.

Anyway, I thought I would post as I have recently been through a similar thing myself and a lot of the feelings you are describing sound very familiar - in fact you are even using some of the same words I have been saying. Even your last post is true to me! I look at other couples and wonder if they have ever been through the same thing - some of them must have been!

My H's little affair was conducted by text although it wasn't quite as sexual as your H's. My H didn't go looking for it, it was handed to him on a plate and he stupidly and very uncharacteristically took it. I found WWIFN's advice invaluable and very practical.

I always thought that if my H committed any infidelity I would never forgive him but just 4 weeks after I am starting to see the light and I think that slowly we will get there. I do still wonder if I can ever be totally happy again or if my marriage will always be tainted. WWIFN's words about her own experiences are very reassuring.

For what it's worth, if he's got any sense he will now be visiting Homer McDonald's web-site and downloading his book:

www.stopyourdivorce.com

It's an amazingly simple piece of counter-intuitive advice that works more often than not!

All about creating space and not crowding you...letting you contact him...agreeing with everything...keeping things light and acknowledging absolutely everything you may wish to throw at him.

PB A lot calmer! Every time I look at the thread title, it is a reminder of how angry I was.

How long have you been married? Has your husband been repentant? Are you seeing a counsellor?

I feel that my husband and I had this link. I was proud that we had been together for 10 years and that I was sure he would never cheat. Not I feel that, although I know rationally that the whole thing does not count for nothing, that I have achieved nothing, relationship wise. That I have never respected on/off again relationships and feel that this event, should we stay together, will always be there, taunting me.

Because clearly I had a dream marriage Gah, that's what it seems like I am saying. I am not.

See, most people don't know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person, Do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself, they will defend you.

They will reverse their position.

Amazing!

It works like magic!

A person says, "You know, I want a divorce."

"I understand. I agree."

It looks you're moving faster toward a divorce, but you're getting at the roots of why they want a divorce. they want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them.

They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them.

That's not the person they're pulling away from.

They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them.

Not sure about that book, barmy. is it all like that?

< is sitting on hands >

PLease dont

I have to

BA already thinks I hate him

That site looks like something for guys who use The Game to find someone to marry them in the first place.

Pfft, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. He either gets it, or he doesn't, that's the bottom line, isn't it? True remorse is easy to spot and hard to fake.

Pfft - yeah, pretty much. It's basically all about doing the exact opposite of what one might expect - disagreeing and arguing with the 'wronged' party only perpetuates the anger...by conceding everything, they have nowhere left to go.

Depending on how bad things have got - it also recommends moving on, fast - i.e. to let the wronged party that the decision is with them and that, in the meantime, you will resume dating - this is a tactic...because it provokes jealousy in the wronged party and forces them to reflect on why they feel jealous - i.e. they retain feelings etc etc.

I was just throwing it out there as an observation - if I was your husband, I'd be reading, digesting and understanding this book right now.

(Incidentally, I have used this advice from this chap (not in marriages, but in relationships) - worked every time)

Barmy, to seriously respond to your post: I don't want my husband to agree with everything that I say. I don't want him to be a nodding dog, blindly agreeing to anything and everything to make things ok.

I want a man with his own mind, who can make his own decisions. One who can tell me what his honest opinion is, whether I like it or not. One who isn't scared into capitulating to get in my good graces.

If we make a go of it, I want him to change. For me, and for him. I don't want fake "yes sir" change. I would want real change. Agreeing with everything change is fake, and it won't last.

BA, I really think you are a buffoon

I have not decided yet whether you are just a slightly misguided buffoon, or something more sinister

< watches carefully >

We have been married for 12 years. A good marriage too. When I first posted on here I was criticised for saying I had a good strong marriage, some posters thought that couldn't be so if my husband ended up betraying me. We haven't had any counseling but we have done a huge amount of talking and WWIFN has been very helpful. My husband never denied anything either which I think helped. I never caught him out I just said one evening that I thought he was hiding something from me and he let it all out. He seemed relieved to be telling me. I started a thread in relationships called 'WWIFN, I know you are in demand but..' - sorry I don't know how to link it. My H has actually posted in the thread so you can read what happened. I did start a thread in the early days but I found some posters words too harsh and painful so I (maybe selfishly) had it deleted. Over the course of a couple of weeks the truth all came out. I did have to keep questioning him to get all the details but I do think that he has pretty much told me everything. I made it clear that I can't start dealing with this unless I have all the information and that if I start getting my head round it and I found out he is still lying to me then that would be it. He told me some pretty humiliating stuff.

He is devastated when he thinks back to what he did. I don't want to make excuses for him because I know that what he did was a terrible thing but I am starting to realise that he was vulnerable. He was hooked on by the other woman and he crossed every line that she enticed him over, little by little.

They didn't discuss sex much but to be honest that wasn't the big deal for me. The hardest thing for me to deal with is that he developed a relationship with somebody that I was excluded from, he was in his own secret little world for six weeks and he lied to me. I'm pretty sure he has never lied to me in the past.

I meant to ask you if you have started eating again? I just felt completely sick, I lost about 6lbs in the first week and altogether have lost about 10lbs in four weeks. I have had three meals today and some chocolate! My body must have gone into survival mode as normally I can't go more than 3 hours without food!

I have to say, I do respect the fact that you have stayed on this thread. And you changed your advice and seem to be trying to help without offending. You have given me a few things to think about and I appreciate the time you have taken to type words to me.

BUT this

Depending on how bad things have got - it also recommends moving on, fast - i.e. to let the wronged party that the decision is with them and that, in the meantime, you will resume dating - this is a tactic...because it provokes jealousy in the wronged party and forces them to reflect on why they feel jealous - i.e. they retain feelings etc etc.

is the vilest thing ever (maybe)!

I do think that what you have written about this book - it is entirely the wrong way to go about things. The thought that he would use tricks to mean that I have "nowhere keft to go" because he has circumvented my anger is horrid.

It does sound like a male version of one of those hideous relationships for women guides from Cosmo or something.

I'm not saying that it won't work. I suppose it would. But I don't think it would work for keeps. I don't think that this deals with any issues, or allows for real remorse or the venting of emotions and blame that needs to happen. It is a short term solution.

PB - I felt sick with the anger yesterday but started eating again today. Could do with not, TBH

I wasn't worried about losing a bit, trouble is that when I got out the bath this evening and stood in front of the mirror I realised that it has all come of my boobs!