Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

no, keep posting coz otherwise you wont do it....youll just have pages and pages of asking am i right or not and no positive action......

sorry for the textspeak and typos etc, but want to type fast so you can see it.

All the others, have none of oyu procrastinated about a relationship tat you knew was dead but did nothing about it? if not, well done for being so desicive....some of us are not so lucky and not have as much self esteem.....

SF - Bags to include:

mini bottles of champers
£10 spa voucher

dunno what else but im sure i think of more

God carry on posting WIN, MN is the ultimate arbiter of normality :o

You're relationship is strong, in the same way that an oak tree's relationship with ivy is strong. He is a clinging weed and you are a strong enduring woman.

whatis do keep on posting, but maybe you could also include what practical steps you are taking towards your new life as a singleton? Your last post said "... when we split up" so you are clearly mentally working towards this, why not start making some practical moves towards it too? I can't recall if some of the previous posts have suggested things you could do, but that might help? I know there are people who've just run, but as that doesn't seem likely to happen here, this might be a purposeful way to use the time whilst you move towards that fateful day.

nobody said WIN should not be posting

Keep posting! We're only frustrated because we want you to be free of this idiot and happy, but of course it's hard to just ditch a decade(?) long marriage within only a couple of weeks of the lightbulb having gone off.

If you ever need to run something by us for a reality check then do it. But do keep talking to your brother and friends in real life as well. I think it would be a great idea for you to get out of that house for a while and get some distance and perspective because he sounds like he's being really clingy and needy at the moment which must make it difficult for you to find headspace.

ScaryFucker it sounded to me like the OP was considering it ...

no, MC, I don't believe that will happen

I'm getting a headache now.

WIN. In answer to your original question is this a normal sex life ???

No

I left my abusive relationship after I found myself asking my university tutor up until when I had time to change my name so it wasn't his name on my degree certificate. All of a sudden it was obvious that I wanted to leave him and that's what I did. It was easier for me as I was at university then. Good luck, OP.

Malificence...why are you on this thread?

You believe that people who end up in abusive relationships have only themsleves to blame. in other words, you think it's all their own faults.

The OP WILL leave...but the stages she is going through are common to these type of relationships. The shock of finding out that you are being abused, after a lifetime of thinking all was 'normal' takes years to come to terms with. If you ever can.

OP please keep posting.

OP have a look at this oxytocin and abusive relationships

it's a bit brief but there are lots of other sites that explain this well. This is why it is so difficult to leave an abusive realationship.

Also have a look at trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance.

Keep posting

Gettingagrip, I'm only halfway up to speed with your story but I wish you all good speed with your own recovery.
The shock of finding out that you are being abused takes years to come to terms with. If you ever can.
I just wanted to assure you - and whatisnormality - you can and will!

It takes different lengths of time, depending on your age and how much of an 'abuse mentality' your childhood managed to curse you with. I am well on my way to freedom now, hurrah! I'm 55, was fully conditioned by my parents, and have been doing therapy since March 2000 - on and off. Whatis, your parents seem to have done quite the number on you, too, but you're younger than I was - and have Mumsnet boosting your awareness - so you'll be out in the sunshine within a few years, all things being equal. I really hope you get started soon. x

ItsGhoulAgain...yes sorry....did not in any way mean to suggest that one will never recover....what I was trying to convey was that a person who has only just realised that they are being abused cannot come to terms with it and act on that discovery in twenty minutes.

The trauma bonding site is quite good in this.

Apologies again

x-posted, Getting. Useful links, thank you.

Whatis, it took me quite a time to realise that I would never know what was behind Ex's behaviour and that he probably didn't either. I too had the endless conversations that didn't move the relationship on one jot and became just another source of fraustration. In the end I just had to let it go and so will you. This relationship is over, plan your exit strategy and go. One thing I would say is when you go, do not contact or accept contact from him.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

whatis please keep posting - I'll worry about you if you don't!

I know it must be frustrating for some people to see you know that you shouldn't be with him, but not leave immediately. But on the other hand some of have been in that situation and we understand.

I know my friends were very frustrated with me for accepting my arsehole ex back as many times as I did for example. And it seems hard with the distance of time to remember why I did, but I know I did and that it can be much harder than people appreciate to separate yourself from such a manipulative person, especially when you have a kind nature and they know how to exploit that.

Mumsnet is a fantastic resource for all sorts of things, but it's at it's best IMO when it's helping people who can't easily talk things over with people in real life, because the subject is so sensitive.

People can be very frank here sometimes and you have to take the rough with the smooth sometimes. But the openness of people here is also one of the great things about mumsnet IMO.

Please don't let a couple of insensitive people put you off, we're on your side whatis xx

hear hear lowrib.

OP- Brilliant support and practical advice on here for you and I hope you keep checking in and getting stronger.

When you leave, yes it will be a massive change, but I hope you can see it will be for the better. And when you have got that first little bit of distance between you and the relationship I'm a bazillion percent sure there will be no regrets and you will understand why hundreds of strangers were sat at computers reading your story and getting really worked up on your behalf!

I have followed this thread from the start and I am, like everyone else, horrified.

You are a wonderfully strong, kind, intelligent woman who WILL flourish outside this toxic relationship - you really will. The sun will rise and you will see that there is a whole world of respect, love and happiness out there waiting for you if you will only take that first step. You must take it. Life is short.

Listen to the women who have shared their experience of being in abusive relationships on this thread - do any of them regret their decision to leave?

Wishing you love and courage to speed towards the decision to start the next chapter of your life.

I have followed this thread too and felt compelled to post. Like everyone else, it sounds to me as though you are deeply unhappy in your relationship. Some of the things you describe remind me a bit of my exH. He was also controlling and selfish. One of the main things that made me think what I had to say might help you was how you described him crying and you feeling sorry for him and wanting to make it all right again. My ex did the same thing (his tears were crocodile tears). It's probably in our human nature to want to make someone happy again if they're crying - I'm no psychologist but I'm sure his turning on the tears are just as controlling as his constant put-downs.

My ex eventually left me although I thought about leaving him many, many times. My reasons for staying were probably similar to yours: we were married, which I felt meant that I should try to make it work; we'd been through a lot and were probably meant to be together; I thought I loved him and he made me happy (sometimes). You are not there yet so you won't appreciate this, but with hindsight I see a much different picture. Immediately after we split I was lost for a bit, although I very quickly got practical and sorted out our debts (like you, we spent money we didn't have to 'treat' ourselves - ridiculous), sold the house and set up on my own. Yes, it was daunting after 10 years with someone at a time when my other friends were having kids etc, but I grew to love that time as a single woman. I took up several interests that I'd always wanted to do, I became much more independent, I socialised - it was great.

Don't think about the future in terms of being with someone else - you need to leave him (I think) to do yourself a favour. You can be on your own and you really will be happy if you do that. You will probably, like me, look back and wonder why you didn't do it long ago.

I am now married again and really happy. We even have a DD, who is wonderful.

Not all relationships are like yours (or mine with my ex). Probably no relationship is 'perfect' - we all get wound up now and again with our DPs, but you do deserve to be a lot happier than you are now.

Please stop thinking about the ins and outs and find the courage to leave him. You know you are going to anyway (I've noticed you talk about 'when' you leave him, not 'if'). As long as you stay, he will always find a way to make you think he is trying and that he still loves you. I personally don't think he will change and I think you would be much happier if you struck out on your own.

Thinking of you X

Keep posting Whatis - if people don't want to read it they don't have to.

It sounds to me like your mind is made up, its now just a matter of when.

I think I can understand that you want him to admit that he has abused you and you want to see for yourself - with your open eyes - what a prick he is, for it to be absolutely ingrained in your brain.

I think it's probably a necessity, to ensure that when you leave - and it is just a matter of when - you will not return to him when you are feeling low and he is saying the right things.

You are on the right path, you are making the right choices now and your brain is clicking right into place.

Keep looking ahead and seeing the happy you and reminding yourself that the happy you is as far away as possible from him.

And just to repeat what everyone else is saying - you cannot fix him, you cannot make this better, his treatment of you is absolutely vile and horrendous. He is a sick human, he needs help and in staying you are keeping him from getting the help he needs.

As always, good luck with your future excellent life.

whatis - I am so sorry you are going through this

So much of what you said reminded me of my exh. We met when I was 16, I had a shitty childhood and he was my first proper relationship so I had no idea what was "normal". He was vile, controlling and sucked every last bit of my self esteem and self worth from me.

It is difficult to leave. I'd like to think that if I'd had children with him I would have left quicker to protect them (but who knows ?). You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have friends and family (none of whom would be "disappointed" in you)

Please please leave him. Go. Get some counselling. Find a normal man who will love and respect you. Have children. Live happily ever after. I know all that sounds unlikely but I promise it can happen. Your husband is an emotional leech. He may have his good points (in your eyes) but any good points he has are far far outweighed by his bad ones.

Keep posting. Be strong xx

Keep posting, WIN, and keep moving forward. Don't wait till he gives you permission (he never will) or till you feel clear in your head (you won't do until you've been away from him for a while). You just have to trust that leaving is the right thing to do EVEN IF YOU DON'T FULLY FEEL IT YET. Let the momentum carry you along. Close off your pity for him until you are in a safe space to deal with it. You can sort out your head afterwards.

Use whatever you need to get that momentum going. It it's your biological clock, listen to it ticking away, every minute that you are with him being a minute of your fertility disappearing.

You don't want to spend Christmas with this man, do you? Why should you even spend Hallowe'en with him? Standing there waiting to jump is the worst - just jump!

(Disclaimer - jump into freedom. Not off a bridge).

Had to come back to read this to see if you have left yet. We all know its easy for us to say but it is you that has to do it. I thought of leaving my ex for years, he did it eventually.

Unfortunately, your husband doesn't sound like he will ever leave you...you have to do it! Even if you are a complete bitch for you, it doesn't sound like he would go.

Find the whole shaving thing very, very odd!! Definitely NOT normal behaviour!