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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
GeorgetteHeyer · 14/10/2010 12:21

WhatIs, please don't stop posting. You're taking time to come to terms with everything and figuring out how to move on. It took time for you to get into this situation, it will take time for you to get out. As long as you are working towards it.

The hair in the bath made me nearly throw up.

He is vile, and you sound so lovely and you're getting stronger all the time. You don't need this man in your life, what is he giving you?

Have you thought about where you would like to be by Christmas? It's ten weeks away, so it could be an initial goal to work towards in terms of time - be it having got your papers together, moved to your brothers (although personally I think you should throw him out, change the locks and ask your brother / one of your friends to come and stay with you for a little while), or even have come up with a plan, if those are all too much for you?

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 12:35

Great post, GH! I love thought of whatis getting her freedom for Christmas :)
Whatis, I hope you're managing to keep your balance, despite the emotional shock you've been going through this past month. Cognitive dissonance - an uncomfortable phenomenon, isn't it? Please do keep talking, in real life as well as here. All good wishes. x

merrywidow · 14/10/2010 12:44

If my posts became a little heated Whatis it is because I have been in a position where I ummed and arred about leaving my H. I have kids which added a whole other dimmension to the problem and I always believed if I didn't have them I would have upped and left.

As it turned out he died, taking the descision out of my hands.

I am now with a loving DP and although I knew that the relationship I had with my H was seriously flawed, I realise now that it was even worse than I thought when I was in it. I think I built a wall around myself just to bear it.

Good luck

inbetweener · 14/10/2010 14:17

She wont come back now. She is embarressed becuase in her heart of hearts she knows she wont leave.

I dont say this lightly. I know becuase I was a poster here about 18 months ago.I ended up with a thread roughly the size of this one. My thread went on and on with soooo much advice and in the end the same thing happened to me. The same posters got irritated and frustrated becuase I hadnt left and I felt too ashamed to carry on posting and documenting the little things that he was doing each day that wound me up. But the thing was, I needed to list them. I needed some sort of validation that I wasnt insane and that I wasnt in the wrong.

In the end I ran and now Ive name changed.

My life is totally different now, so to the OP I DO know how you feel, and if you can bear it then come back and let people help you. If you cant then make a decision. Either its over or it isnt. You CANNOT carry on in limbo, you will drive yourself insane.
Huge hugs and Sad to everything thats happened.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 14/10/2010 14:31

Thank you everyone - I didn't expect anyone else to post so am overwhelmed by the continuing support (sorry for typos!)

It's been a really tough couple of days and I'm just exhausted at the moment. It's like I can see through him and what he's doing and saying and as though everything he's done over the past 15 years are starting to make sense.

He's back to his old tricks today. It's the funeral on Monday (We are also friends with the person who died but not to the same extent as my friends who's needed support as she was there when it happened and knew the person since school, we've only know them for 7 years). For personal reasons I will find the funeral really hard and my dh knows this. He has now booked an appointment for Monday (he'd told me he wouldn't work) and may/may not be back in time to go. I'm certain this was a deliberate attempt to upset me. It's been an awful few years for people dying and the last time I had to go to a funeral he said that 'I'm like a funeral crasher and must love them'. He said this because I've probably been to 20 funerals in the last 3 years. But he was also implying that I shouldn't go a funeral of someone I'd spoken to practically every day for the past 5 years and that I didn't know them well enough to justify being upset.

We met for lunch today and he said that he'd spotted something amusing in the car park: apparently there was just one car parked in a crooked manner in the whole car park oh and guess who's it was?? I pointed out quite calmly that many cars were parked in a crooked manner and that in fact mine was reasonably well parked. He got upset I didn't find his 'joke' amusing.

I will respond in more detail a little later but just wanted to touch base and say thank you. I do understand why people are getting frustrated and I do in my heart want to leave. I also know how looking outside in it's always so much easier to act but this man has me wrapped around his little finger and I never realised until a month ago.

OP posts:
bisybackson · 14/10/2010 14:41

Hi Whatis - so glad to see you back. You have been with this man for so long that it will be hard to make the break. At least now you know that it will be the right thing to do.

I always hesitate to post on these threads because I have not 'been there' and cannot offer the great advice that others can. But I wanted you to know that we are all still supporting you and willing you the strength to go. Keep posting and we will keep encouraging you!

Please find the will to go. It can only be better than what you have now.

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 14:42

I'm so glad you posted back, whatis. Your riposte about the car parking warmed my old cockles no end! Well done :)

Keep reading up on relationship abuse - it's both enlightening and shocking to see what fixed patterns these people follow! As you say, it helps you see through it. Have you been following the current threads about nice partners, too, for insights into how healthy relationships work? Merrywidow's got one of those now Grin

JiggeryPopery · 14/10/2010 14:47

Keep posting whatis.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

NicknameTaken · 14/10/2010 14:55

It's cruel to invalidate your grief like that.

Each day you are breaking his hold on you.

Have you managed to read the Lundy Bancroft book ("Why does he do that?") yet? I recommend it. It's very clear that abusive men act in these ways because they are choosing to do so, because it is to their advantage, not because they are helplessly driven by their own damage.

merrywidow · 14/10/2010 15:00

Whatis think 'HAD you wrapped round his little finger'

comtessa · 14/10/2010 15:04

Well done for coming back to check in Whatis, very brave. Keep on being brave. You can do it.

tadjennyp · 14/10/2010 18:17

You have every right to go to the funeral of a friend. Your h can take a hike with his cruel suggestions. Keep posting, that is what we are here for.

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 15/10/2010 09:46

No reasonable person would say that about so many of your friends/family dying in a short space of time, would they? That is awful :(

Great that you answered back about the parking, although to be honest I don't know how you can eat and look at him at the same time, nasty pube-heaper that he is.

At the moment I almost get the feeling that you are quite enjoying being with him for the moment, knowing now that you are strong enough to hate him/answer back/regard him as pathetic - as if this is some kind of revenge. But it really isn't, he just wants your time, energy and attention and he's still got it.

Have a think about Christmas - what kind of Christmas do you want it to be?

openerofdarklymoulderingtombs · 16/10/2010 12:12

Hi whatis, so sorry for all your losses.Sad How bloody dare he make light of them? We know he has no empathy or caring feelings towards you, but really!

I'm really impressed with how well you dealt with the parking jibe. Nice one.

Pmsl at "nasty pube-heaper", such a great put down! I kind of want to work it into conversation somehow but can't quite see how.

Christmas is a tricky one, isn't it?

jtop · 16/10/2010 15:56

Next time your gagging for it I would just spend 50 minutes on yourself and see how he likes that !

AderynMelyn · 16/10/2010 19:56

jtop - Next time your gagging for it I would just spend 50 minutes on yourself and see how he likes that !

Love it, Love it, Love it!!

lowrib · 16/10/2010 20:20

Urk.

That's a bit inappropriate jtop and AderynMeln isn't it, given current topic of discussion?

Did you perhaps the only read the first page?

AderynMelyn · 17/10/2010 21:51

I didn't mean to cause offence at all and YES I have read practically every page.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/10/2010 00:16

Hi Whatis. Glad you're back. I wish you well for tomorrow, you are a good friend. Do not let your DP's actions get you down. Let him go to his appointmentHmm, you go, be you and be a friend, without him being in the way, draining your energy and stopping you from being the person you really are. He doesn't realise it, but he's doing you a favour by not being there.

lowrib · 18/10/2010 01:18

Sorry AdernMeryn perhaps I am having a sense of humour bypass today?

Awitch · 18/10/2010 01:57

just another message of support for you, WIN. watch out for that analysis paralysis, be brave, end this relationship and work on your self-esteem. you sound like you've made great progress, keep up the momentum and good luck. Smile

ZOMBIEEEESywriter · 18/10/2010 10:10

Another message of support for you Whatis, you're going through a major event here and I think the fact that you are considering things and taking your time means you are more likely to be happy with your decision to leave when you take that step.

Be strong!
You can do this.

openerofdarklymoulderingtombs · 18/10/2010 23:21

Hi whatis, thought of you today. Hope you got through it okay.

coop1690 · 19/10/2010 14:28

whatis i cant believe you have been with him for so long tut tut as for the bum action thats just wrong

HammerMouseOfHorrors · 19/10/2010 14:45

coop

That's a helpful post [hhmm]