Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

p.s. there are so many typos in there, i can't even begin to asterix them...should've previewed first!!

There are some brilliant women giving fab advice on here.

Whatis, someone on the previous page asked a great question: what do you want to do in your future? Have you got any ideas lined up for, say, your first week/day/hour on the outside? E.g. "when I get shot of this needy freak I will: get a tattoo/get my haircut/sod off to Paris on my own for 2 days/stay at my brother's and get shit-faced with him/see a film my husband would hate/go for a really long walk somewhere we never went together/go out on the pull (prob a bad move, but...)/play with the cat without feeling guilty/see my friend/have a massive party and invite most of Mumsnet etc etc etc"?

I just wondered whether it might be helpful to set yourself a/some concrete goals to work towards.

Please don't waste any more time with this excuse for a man and stop listening to him talking rubbish over bottles of wine. He most certainly isn't listening to you, as his pathetic and creepy attempt at sexual intimacy shows, so why listen to him? You won't hear anything new from him. You seem to have some residual affection for him for some reason. You really need to just care about yourself at the moment BUT if you do still care about him, somehow, even after so many years of crap, think of it this way: is he happier from being with you? You both sound absolutely miserable so what is the point of continuing some charade of living together?

You leaving him is exactly the kick in the arse that he needs to go and get help, if he is deep-down a decent human being. If he isn't a decent person, he will sit there and wallow in his misery and then seek a new victim to offload his toxic mental waste on. Either way, you are immaterial. He will be who he is without you.

That's what you have to understand: his mental issues are nothing to do with you and you can't make them better by staying. He never gave a damn about you all these years so why care about him? You were just a convenient foil for his self-hatred, a little prop to make him feel better. Leave him to it.

< ears prick up >

party where ?

I tell you what, when this prick gets dumped, I will dance a happy dance in my own living room

it has taken me a long and depressing time to read this thread - i can't imagine what it must be like to actually be living it.

on threads like this posters usually urge the op to consider their children - you should consider the children you want and the cat you already have.

whatever problems your h has, it doesn't give him the right to make life unbearable for other people. plenty of people have shitty things happen to them and don't use it as an excuse to abuse.

your only regret will be you didn't have that party sooner

I like you ScaryFucker

do you, mw ?

I like you too

< feels the love >

I'm sat here making bunting for it. Who's doing the cake?

I will bring the vino

beer and me fags and I promise to smoke in the garden

And the cat can come to

I cant believe what I have read here and really feel for you!

My only bit of advice that you have not already recieved somewhere is "Eyes on the Prize"

It just means decide what you really want and a happy you should be the prize and keep it in mind when you are making any decisions = Is this getting me closer to being happy and it doesnt all feel good but another step closer x

the cat shall be a specially-prized guest

I shall buy him/her a diamante collar

and a cigarette holder

and sharpen his/her claws to dangerous points

I've got banana cake now, but I'll make a big fuck-off chocolate cake when the happy day dawns.

Hi OP - read the first page but not the rest so sorry if someone has already said this but maybe, the fact he doesn't want penetrative sex, could mean he doesn't want to have children. You said that children weren't high in his agenda or something similar. Do you think it could be that?

OMG- just read several pages of this and had to comment! You poor, poor woman...as everyone else has said, get out now!

A friend of mine went through something similar and lived with her husband for 12 years. Slightly different sexual problems but she did used to find him wanking over everything including the kids teddies, find socks in the cars, etc. He couldn't have proper sex with her, would have to be wanked off to finish, would insist on watching porn to have full sex, etc..the list is endless)
She kept it all quiet for many, many years (they did have children) but something inside her snapped and she started to have breakdown. She finally decided to end it and walked away from him and she has never been happier! He tried everything to get her back, used every trick in the book but she stayed firm (thank god!!)

She is now married to a normal guy, has a normal relationship and they are best friends. positive things do come out of a divorce! Believe me, things will work out for the better for you! I am also divorced (didn't have the same problems you are having, my XH slept with far too many women to have a problem of that nature! Lol!!) and am now married to a gorgeous guy.

I did show it to my DH to get his opinion and he said that your hubby is either gay or having an affair! he said he has known loads of sexual deviants (used to be in the Army!!) and he has never known of anyone who wants so much 'bum action' without them actually being gay! Sorry...he may well not be, but unfortunately, he is helping himself!

I really do hope you find the courage to leave as you will find normality and happiness!

best of luck. xx

Love the phrase 'paralysis through analysis'. This is exactly what is going on now. Discussing your situation with him for hours and days on end (like stuck records as you admit) is getting you nowhere.

I wonder if you are hoping that he will give you 'permission' to leave, and agree to it all, so that there is no follow up later. But this will never happen! He doesn't want you to leave. You said yourself that one night recently you finally 'agreed' to end the relationship but that the next morning he acted as if nothing had happened, and as you say you are then too exhausted to bring it all up again. But there is nothing to bring up again! You don't need his agreement, his permission, the split doesn't have to be mutual.

You may be hoping for this, as you are a nice person and still don't want to 'hurt' him, but you will have to just decide to leave him and do so. Decisively. Don't just stay with your brother one night and then talk to your H, get sucked back in, and go home to 'try again' (after 15 years!!). Make proper plans, get everything together, stay with your brother or whoever intially by all means or find a flat, and don't respond to his many many calls, texts and emails.

I understand it is scary - you have always been told what to do by men - but you really, really can do this, as so many others have. They all did it and are finally happy, you've heard them! You can do it too.

You are wasting your fertility on this vile man. You don't have unlimited time to devote to his needs, he hasn't devoted any time of his own for yours.

Thanks guys - the answers this morning have made me laugh and my cat purr!!! My cat's doing really well - dh said this morning was he was recoiling away from him and perhaps he does have the right idea?! I LOVE the idea of him in a studded collar with very sharp pedicure - he'd look beautiful and could hiss at the mention of dh's name!! (he hissed at him yesterday and dh has actually started to say that he loves the cat..... odd since he's hated him since we got him)

I am thinking through an exit plan and need to sort out my head. He suddenly wants to touch me all the time and I haven't made any effort to touch him (although I know he was expecting that yesterday but ugh - I couldn't even consider it now). The reason I know is when he wants sorting out he shaves that area and leaves the remains in the bath so I always know when he's made himself clean and tidy for me - what a considerate chap.

You're all right. I do want children and I can't bear the thought of having sex with him (I know he's sorted me out 3 times in 2 days but can kind of detatch from the revulsion after a couple of minutes).

I do have more than 1 friend - but that said there's only 1 that I could talk to about things like this (in this much detail). I'm incredibly lucky and have 6 really good, supportive friends of whom 3 would be there in any situation (the others would but don't live in this country so would struggle!)

I would like a future and am working out ways to do this.

king - I can only imagine how much courage walking out in your position has taken and I have so much respect for you.

I know many people find my reluctance to just walk frustrating but it's quite difficult to explain what an emotional hold these men have over you.

sending you back a virtual hug with the upmost respect for your bravery and resolve (I know I'd have broken with those messages and suspect I have several false starts ahead).

xx

The reason I know is when he wants sorting out he shaves that area and leaves the remains in the bath so I always know when he's made himself clean and tidy for me - what a considerate chap.

OMG reading that makes me want to throw up.

I can't bear the thought of having sex with him (I know he's sorted me out 3 times in 2 days but can kind of detatch from the revulsion after a couple of minutes).

Oh whatis, this is no way to live. This part of your post made me horrified and sad in equal measures. If sex with him repulses you then DON'T DO IT. You have a right to say no. Fuck whether it will 'hurt his feelings' or not, the disgusting creep.

We're all rooting for you.

Hi Whatis - I have lurked around your thread from very early on and have not posted before because you were getting such good advice - put much more eloquently than I could put it.

Funnily enough, I was thinking over the weekend that when you finally decided to leave this relationship MN would give three hearty cheers and celebrate wildly - and here they are offering to throw a party for you!

So good to hear that you are really getting your head around the advice to leave. Keep up your strength, work out your exit strategy and walk out of the door! And make part of your exit strategy a brand new phone and a new e-mail address so he can't pester you!

Agree madonna - revolting. No romance or seduction - just a pile of hair 'ordering' whatis to perform services.

Although I had to laugh at 'we're all rooting for you' - here in Oz rooting means having sex...
Not sure if I should have said that now or not! [hides] Sorry

maybe its the foreplay is 50mins a long time of foreplay? maybe once he is satisfied in that way he finds it hard to re perform thats normal. do u have a vibrator as he may prefere to use this during forplay on you...though it be worried he monopolised this for his own benifits, lol

Trust an Aussie to lower the tone .

Joking aside though, whatis your descriptions of your husband's 'seduction techniques' are making me feel physically ill so I can only imagine how they make you feel.

Really really really hope you manage to get away and stay away from him. You deserve so much better than this.

auntloretta _ have you read the thread past the first post? It's moved on slightly....