Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

in did just notice that a few moments ago...very sorry it did only show up some of the post but once i posted it did jump on starit away..sorry

Thank you - it is pretty revolting and I'm so angry with him after the weeks talking where I still don't really understand the reasons behind the behaviour.

I'm being a complete b... to him at the moment - my glass is definitely half empty at the moment. For example, he went to the shops before going to work (I'm under a lot of pressure at work at the moment and he's only working a few hours this week) and only put select items away (he normally leaves it all for me so i should really be grateful he did anything). He then bought a bag in from the car and literally left it in the porch (it was almost waist high with the coats and general junk he'd also cleared out of his car)so I couldn't even open the door and did throw a mini tantrum. He was right this morning though - I didn't notice the good things (he'd unloaded and reloaded the dwasher, put the rubbish out and been to the shops where he bought me sweets as well as essentials). I just noticed the annoying things, the bag left from last night which he bought in and hadn't moved. Added to that the new bag in the porch and clothes on top of it. Then the toilet roll he'd bought dumped by my feet rather than taken the the bathroom and finally the request for cash as though I know exactly what I have in my wallet. All of that is unreasonable but if he wants cash and I tell him to look don't ask annoying questions 'is that all you've got?' 'what shall I take'..... seriously perhaps I am just very easily irritated but if I want to do something I do it - I don't ask annoying questions when someone's quite busy.

Sorry for the rant - very grumpy today!

This relationship sounds like it's coming to a bitter end. Why prolong the agony?

Let's face it, you were quite young when you started... Things are different now and you are old enough to work out that this is not the path to a happy life for you. This man sounds as if he refuses to take responsibility for his own life/happiness and he resorts to emotional blackmail to keep you close.

Refusing to be the one to end the relationship? Well someone's gonna have to do it -and it's not going to be him is it? It's not your job to save him from himself - but it is your job to save yourself!

The shaving bit - wouldn't be for me.

I don't know why your delaying? Why are you coming on here to list the minutiae of your relationship? The vast amount of vileness he has demonstrated over the years is evidence enough that you should leave. Today.

I'm reading a thread at the moment where a woman has scooped up her two daughters and fled her house. She had hours to get her stuff together and leave. And she did it.

You have no kids, are in an abuse relationship with a man who you don't respect, who repulses you. You don't want kids with him, but want kids. Why are you still there? What is your exit plan? When are you going to leave?

I have been here from the start too whatis - just now want to ask if he notices and comments and is thankful when YOU unload and reload dishwasher, put the rubbish out and so on?

I would put money on the answer....

Course he bloody doesn't epicfail. He's a million kinds of twat.

OP you don't like or love him any more, you just feel sorry for him. Well - stop. Or at least feel sorry for him from a distance. He is a leech who is sucking your time energy and hope away because he is a human void.

Chuck him out! POint out that you've told him it's over, and that no matter how many skittles he buys you it's not going to win you over. Then ask him to leave. And if he won't go, pack your overnight bag and go to your brother's/friend's house and tell him you're not returning to the house til he leaves it.

Go on, whatis, you can't keep living with a bully and a whiny suck-up bully at that. See how now you've got power back, he is creeping up to you? Clean break time. And TAKE THE CAT!! :)

He is absolutely revolting. Shaving himself and then leaving the remains in the bath to signal that he is ready -ugh, ugh, ugh and ew, ew, ew.

Just leave him.

Sorry, I've just had to go and throw up re the hairs in the sink. Normal shaving residue us bad enough, but eurrrgh.

I think the sitting on your face bit is the worst, I mean what the fuck?

perhaps when you were younger, looking after this man made you feel important and special - how's that working out for you now?

So, whatcha gonna do?

Am speechless. Just read the whole thread in one sitting.

Come on whatis, I am not going to repeat what has been said ad infinitum.

He is a sad sorry excuse for a man, and you have your life in front of you.

This.
Is.
It.

Please, please, either leave or send him packing.

Whatis - It took endless round and round dicussions that were handily forgotten the next morning and coutless drunken arguments to finally be the bitch and force the situation to such a point that we have now split, trust me, i do know why you haven't done it......yet.

But that is the point, YET, you have already in your mind, split up with, it's just the physical split you need to do now.

I forgot to mention that XDP has also suggested seeing a counsellor, couples counselling and countless other ways for me to take him back, but I have just IGNORED it all. I know that if I enter into any kind of discourse with him it ends up being that round and round arguement discussion and me getting annoyed that he can't see it was over bloody ages before it finished.

Even if your handful of mates know the extent of what has happened in your relationship, I bet most people you know when you finally do get rid, will come out and tell you that they thought he was a twat but didnt want to upset you.

There are only 2 people in the world that know exactly what he did to me, but the others think he is a twat and am well rid......

I need a holiday, tell us where you live and i think I can feel a MN tour coming on to have a party (once you leave!!)

you have the guts and the brains.......stay strong x

you are never going to understand the reasons for the behaviour.

Hes a fucking pervert

For goodness sake woman, get some self respect and leave.
You seem to be enjoying regaling us all with the tales of his abnormal behaviour, how much longer are you going to carry on with this charade?
He repulses you and yet you let him touch you?
You don't love him, you don't want him ( no-one on earth can blame you tbh, he sounds quite disturbed ) , but here you still are.

Yeah I feel like we've reached a bit of a dead end here.

The resoundingly unanimous opinion (including your own) is that he is a disgusting, manipulative, vile, sociopath. By your own admission you can't bear to touch him or be touched by him; to be honest I don't know how you can bear to be anywhere near him let alone still living in the same house.

Every new post of yours about his behaviour just confirms what we all already know - he's a class A bellend. Big surprise! We know!

Right now you need to be working on an exit strategy. Can you not just go and stay with your bro even for a couple of days? I bet once you're out of that house you won't ever want to go back there while he's still in it.

Enough talking about him now. Let's talk about you and what you're going to do.

Agree Mal. I know it can be bloody hard, sometimes seemingly impossible to break the cycle and leave, but fgs, what on earth is keeping you there? Really?

You keep coming back to say 'we talked, he knows he is being a twat, I am seeing everything more clearly now, I am being a bitch to him, he is 'sorting me out' (ugh) and being so lovey' etc - but nothing ever comes of these talks, and if I'm being honest, I don't think anything ever will.

He is sucking the life from your veins. He is an emotional leech, and your whole life is going to be wasted on him. The man who repulses you, the man you don't even enjoy kissing, the man who will never give you anything you want in life unless that is a bath full of pubes and a lifetime of misery.

I have been lurking on this thread since the beginning, but I'm going to hide it now as it's becoming increasingly frustrating and hard to read.

Just.. bloody get out whilst you have no real ties to him. Wishing you the courage to leave and the happiness you deserve.

I agree. I'm going to hide this thread now. I don't mean to be cruel OP, but it feels as though you are enjoying telling us all the latest horror stories of the shit he's dishing out. You're going round and round in circles. I really don't know if you have any real intention of leaving and starting again.

I know it can be hard, jeez I was in a really shitty relationship for years with someone who had chipped away at everything that made me me. I had to leave, and I did.

Hope you find happiness one day.

I keep typing a humungous long rant and then deleting it

Just as well, really

Anybody up for an "intervention" ?

Sounds like MW is - with a stake possibly.

I'm in - don't want to be working anyway :o

A bit harsh guys, she has been with this man for all of her adult life, I think it may take her more that a few weeks after her realisation of what a prick he is to actually leave him.

If it helps her to come on here and tell us what is going on with her then I for one will be listening.

If you want to hide the thread whatever but do you really need to post that?

WIN I hope you keep posting so we can keep reminding and encouraging you to leave him how ever long it takes you to be ready, even if he does start to empty the dish washer.

I've been with my DH for the whole of my adult life - 28 years to be precise, if he displayed 1% of the frankly bizzare and abusive behaviour of this man, he would be gone, no faffing around and procrastinating, just gone.

There is no reason for whatis to stick around, not a single one, if he dropped dead tomorrow she would have to live without him and vice versa, all we keep hearing are excuses for why she can't split up with him, he is poison, so he can be nice to her, so what? Even serial killers have their good days.

I'm listening, too, whatis :) Yes, it does take a while to sink in - you have to keep checking, as it were. I wish people here wouldn't shout at you, though I DO share everyone's eagerness for you to start actually living your life!

Please, do fix up an extended visit (or a few days, at the very least) with your brother. Clear your head of all H's totally useless attempts to act normal (he doesn't know normal!) so you can get on with your stuff. Thinking of you. x

yes, an extended visit would be good

and no, the OP is not getting a hard time, very far from it

Hi all - I know it seems like I post every little thing that happens I guess it's just good to get validation that so much of what he does isn't normal when he's spent the last 15 years telling me it is and I've spend the last 15 years believing that it is.

It's actually a massive step forward to realise some of it for what it is and I guess it's just been good to get other's perspectives just to confirm in my own head that certain behaviours are unacceptable and it's not just in my imagination.

I just start to doubt myself time and time again even though I have researched and looked into abusive relationships.

I should just leave but then this little niggle of doubt comes in... he might change, perhaps he didn't realise what he was doing, perhaps there's a reason for it..... so many things as I have always thought that apart from a few issues our relationship was reasonably strong - clearly now I see this isn't the case.

Thank you to everyone for your support - I might just keep a diary for now so I can refer back and come back on when we split up!

we have the party bags alllll ready, WIN