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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 18/09/2010 19:31

So pleased that you are starting to have a mind-shift in terms of viewing his behaviour. I really hope you can gather the strength to leave him. You deserve happiness.

youngblowfish · 18/09/2010 19:31

BertieBotts, you are spot on. whatisnormality, he may even turn out to be an affectionate, attentive lover all of a sudden and you should be prepared for how confusing that will be. When I was very young, a short-lived boyfriend of mine used to withdraw sex from me. When I told him I did not want to see him any more, he all of a sudden turned into the most passionate, tender lover. He expected me to have changed my mind by the morning, but I still politely asked him to take his stuff and go, because I knew he was using sex to control me and not to connect with me.

It will be hard, but, like Allora, I am excited for the life you will be able to lead once you break free from him.

IseeGraceAhead · 18/09/2010 19:46

I just wanted to add a quick hug from me, OP, and congratulate on your brilliant thread - and for seeing the light! I'm so HAPPY you've enjoyed a whole day seeing things as they really are ... one day out of 15 years, huh?

As others are saying, don't get sucked in by sudden turnarounds. All this proves is that he knows how to be a halfway decent husband, but prefers to bully & belittle you instead.
Lovely :(

He'd have to put in 15 years of niceness to make up for the time he's stolen from you. I wouldn't recommend waiting. Believe me, I do know about the craving approval - begging for scraps of affection. This is an intended effect of all the put-downs: you know, like a beaten dog will cower for a pat on the head?
PLEASE keep your eyes & ears on 'reality settings' and listen to people here! Your life could be so much more rewarding.

LeChatRouge · 18/09/2010 21:16

I've just logged on to see how you are - been thinking about you today.

I can't bear the thought that you feel you have to hide being on the net.

I am so sad to read that as your behaviour changed today and although spent the day together physically, you took a mental step back and made some observations, he instantly picked up on this and reacted.

As previous poster said, this means he is choosing to treat you this way. You truly don't deserve this.

Are you afraid to actually leave in any way? If he gives you a time limit to get to the car and you cannot even say 'Oh, I need to shower, say 20 mins or so?' - how would you go about talking to him about you leaving?

Original poster
whatisnormality · 18/09/2010 21:40

Thank you all for caring. He's in bed following an interesting day. He knows that something's changed but doesn't know what so he has a head ache and is in bed. Usually I would fuss around him and try and make him better but today I didn't even offer him tablets today as I just can't be bothered.

So many other things since my last post - just constant mini digs about me and the world. We were invited to a party but as usual he didn't want to go and I couldn't face going on my own.

Lechatrouge it is mad that I can't tell him 20 minutes but I really can't - what does that say about our 'friendship'? He's always done that - gives me a time limit and he's in the car at bang on that time reving the engine and sometimes beeping and I just go like some stupid complacent idiot.

I don't know. I guess I've always made excuses for his behaviour, he's shy, he suffers from headaches, he's tired...... The problem is that most people also have problems of some sort but manage to behave reasonably.

That said, I'd hate to leave and find someone who drinks and is worse.....

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/09/2010 21:44

That's why you should spend at least a year on your own and having some counselling. And then weed out the wasters while dating. I read a brilliant article about spotting a bastard on here once- let me find it for you...

HerBeatitude · 18/09/2010 21:45

whatis, if you sort yourself out, you won't find anyone worse, you'll find someone a lot better. Read those books and links, go to counselling and you'll be ready to face the world a different person - the person you would have been if you'd received the unconditional love every child should receive from their parents. You'll be a person who wouldn't have even looked at your DH. You'll only look at the best from then on. Smile

BitOfFun · 18/09/2010 21:47

How To Spot A Bastard Smile

Original poster
whatisnormality · 18/09/2010 21:48

bum action in this instance was just licking and fingers (sorry to be crude). I often put a finger in there and reasonably often lick that area but he's never gone and got on all 4's after quite significant foreplay anyway. that's what particularly hurt in this instance. He got to the point where he was saying stop he's going to come, let's go upstairs.... and rather than the bi monthly ending in penetration it was just that he'd rather 'that bit' be done in the bedroom.

Sorry it probably makes no sense - I've drunk almost a whole bottle of wine!!!!!!!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/09/2010 21:49

This is a great thread to read from here too.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 18/09/2010 21:54

Do you know the awful thing is that he really isn't a bastard. He's a selfish but caring man (or at least I've always thought?!)

I guess that you just take the few positives that you're given and work with them.

When I met him I was 18 and really insecure and messed up. On our first date he bought me a mug from whittards and that was one of the nicest gifts anyone has every given me - it meant that he cared enough for me to have a mug at his house (having been given pictures of gifts I would have received had certain people been bothered to buy them for years it meant an awful lot)

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 18/09/2010 21:54

I can't thunk of anything very much worse whatis :(

hairytriangle · 18/09/2010 21:57

if his behaviour is as you describe, He IS a bastard whatis!

IseeGraceAhead · 18/09/2010 22:12

" having been given pictures of gifts I would have received had certain people been bothered to buy them "
Huh? Hmm

You really don't know what normality is, whatisnormality. Going by your few posts so far, you've been treated like shit by arseholes for so long you've forgotten what real kindness feels like :(

Your H is not kind. He is not loving. He is not caring. I know how hard it is to get your head round that, especially after a long time. I think I may once have been as out of touch with normality as you are, actually. I'm not your best-balanced individual right now, but I am content in myself and receive the respect I deserve. This is the very LEAST you can look forward to, if you'll just start seeing your life for the mean-minded, self-hating, closet gay he really is.

Sorry if that hurt. I do hope lots of others will give you perspective! You deserve better, much better. Everyone does.

IseeGraceAhead · 18/09/2010 22:17
dignified · 18/09/2010 22:20

Do you know the awful thing is that he really isn't a bastard. He's a selfish but caring man (or at least I've always thought?!)

Hes an abusive bastard. And hes probably gay. Grace , you got any links to that cognitive disconance ? Sorry , spellings shit as usual.

TrillianAstra · 18/09/2010 22:21

Yes he is. He is a bastard. And he is being a bastard to you. You need to diet yourself out, by which I mean leaving him and addressing the reasons that made you put up with this for so long. You need to leave him and not be in a relationship until you know what YOU really want.

BellevilleRendezvous · 18/09/2010 22:25

you're seeing so many different things today, it must be very frightening. you're questioning the very foundations of your life. it's not surprising then that you would be wavering between an almost glee at spotting some of his traits for what they are, and how they've been listed here for you - and then defending him, saying he's not a bastard, he's just selfish.

but he is a bastard. well done for taking the first steps towards seeing that, and distancing yourself from his manipulation.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 18/09/2010 22:30

All I want is to be loved and feel secure and looked after. Contrary to what my husband believes I don't want money (I had that before I met him and was no happier). I just want to feel like someone loves me (and I do know how pathetic that sounds). I would love to be with someone who smiles at me, doesn't tut or roll their eyes at everything I say, wants to have sex with me, kisses me, initiates intimacy.... It would just be lovely to be happy for once in my relationship and it would be lovely if that was possible in the current relationship but maybe some of the posters are right and he doesn't actually like me but wants a slave and knows he won't get a better one (other than occassional tantrums such as now!)

OP posts:
dignified · 18/09/2010 22:35

Its amazing how these fuckers need massive naps isnt it.

Whatis , i think he is a typical sexual controller amongst other things, as explained in LIVING WITH THE DOMINATER. I dont mean to be crude , but initially it sounds like he has a arsehole fetish .( not criticizing this by the way ) , but then you say he takes 50 minuites to come ?

I wonder if he actually enjoys the physical sensation as much as he claims considering how long it takes him , or if he just enjoys dehumanizing and degrading you ?

I strongly recomend ordering that book, its the best one ive read , and ive read a lot. I have a copy that i could send to you / a trusted freind / po box / if you want.

BitOfFun · 18/09/2010 22:35

Here's a quotation from the link I posted which very much relates to your anecdote about the mug:

"You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks."

I do hope you read through that link properly- there is actually an awful lot in there that sounds just like your husband. And I only posted it to help you in the future. Turns out you should have read it years ago Sad

RunLyraRun · 18/09/2010 22:36

It is NOT pathetic to want to feel loved, wanted, respected, fancied, LIKED. These things are normal and healthy and they WILL happen to you - just not with this man.

We're all rooting for you. Keep talking.

hairytriangle · 18/09/2010 22:38

Sweetie all of that is possible but NOT with this man and not until you've spent some time on yourself working out what YOU are worth, and without him in your life.

IseeGraceAhead · 18/09/2010 22:45

Please do read the heartless-bitches link, whatis

Dignified, will this one do? Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is the stress & discomfort that results from holding beliefs which conflict with known facts. It's a speciality in my family.

gingerwig · 18/09/2010 22:58

It is so sad anyone (you) could think this was normal.

You would normally go down on him, he'd take an hour to come than ask you to make him tea???

No wonder he brings you crisps.

Fucking hell, woman, there's a life out there to be live.Grow a backbone and cut this leech loose.

I am curious to know how much older he is than you.

My best friend is married to a man 17 years her senior and he treats her like a bloody queen