Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

Hi, I always read but have never posted before, but I just want to add my support and to say how thrilled I am that you are seeing this despicable man for what he is. You deserve happiness and love and I wish both for you.

whatisnormality, I think we might be with the same man

So glad you are seeing him in a different way! It may only be a small step but perhaps one of the most important ones!

kittywise - you've just made me laugh! Hopefully you'll also benefit from all the fantastic advise I've been offered. I always assumed that most men are like this.

It's quite interesting - he went upstairs for a nap in a sulk about 45 minutes ago and has already come down twice clearly mystified that I haven't followed him to massage his ego and make him feel better.

He's just gone back up 'because I'm internetting' and because 'I've obviously spent enough time with him already today' oh but not before I was instructed to pop to tesco's before they sell out of the wine he wants tonight and of course to get him a dessert (clearly the ones I bought yesterday and not good enough!)

I feel a million times better as I really did think he was right and it was all in my head and that our relationship is normal.

Read this thread last night and just came back to read the last couple of pages. OP, I can't believe the day you had today with him - does he usually behave like that? He sounds horrible, absolutely horrible.....

Sorry also about bad English - I keep having to switch screens as he keeps coming down to see what i'm doing!

Bertie - thank you for the tip about private browsing - I didn't know you could do that so will have to delete the history. You are also right about it sounding so ridiculous about things like making tea as it does sound so nice however when I think about it, he only buys crisps when I tell him I'm on a diet and he knows I have no self control.

Also just for the record he's done more housework this week than he ever has in our relationship. He has put the bins out for the second time in 15 years and doing things like the dishwasher are reasonably monumental so maybe there is room for change....

Curly, I think he does usually behave like that and I've just got immune to it and am so used to being sneered at, tutted at, snapped at that I stopped recognising it. There were so many more little things today that I would never have noticed, he kept saying 'for god's sake' when people got in his way, a child on a bike caused him to mutter 'bloody brat'.... seriously, I've spent the last 15 years being told that I'm grumpy, I'm unreasonable, I never smile etc etc and today for the first time I absolutely know that I have done nothing particularly annoying or unreasonable and yet I've been made to feel as though I have many, many times.

Have you ever bummed him before?
That is a serious question by the way!

It sounds like you're starting to see the wood for the trees which is good!

I'm not really sure why bum play automatically equals gay though.

"maybe there is room for change...."

He is doing those things because he can sense you've had enough and by being nicer he can trick you into staying under his control. In the long run he will not change! Please do not be fooled by him as you have done for the last 15 years, he would not want to lose face by his wife leaving him.

Arghmyeyes - bumming doesn't automatically equal gay, but I think it's a valid question. If bumming is more regular than penetrative sex then something isn't right!

getabloodygrip, I often play with him in that way but being on all 4's was new. I really wouldn't mind something like that if we had a better sex life normally and that was just an addition but when it's the first time in 2 months he's considering penetration it's just a kick in the teeth

He keeps moving around upstairs so have to go

OP: "Also just for the record he's done more housework this week than he ever has in our relationship. He has put the bins out for the second time in 15 years and doing things like the dishwasher are reasonably monumental so maybe there is room for change...."

I believe he's starting to realise that you're not happy with him and he is going into panic mode - doing these chores etc. He is not just simply "making more of an effort." Don't be taken in by it.

What CarGirl said. It's called "Hoovering" (ie sucking you back in!) and it's a recognised control technique. Here's one link describing it, though I don't think it's the best one: abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html Honestly, he's textbook.

You know, you are allowed to be a little annoying at times. Your H, though, seems to be irritated at you all the time. That's just not normal and it's not how people behave when they love someone.

CarGirl is so right, he is doing those things because he can probably feel that you are behaving differently and he is hoping to pull wool over your eyes by being nice. Well, his plan almost worked as you are already wondering whether there is room for change, because he emptied the bins for the first time in years. You deserve so much better.

I really like the 80-20 rule for healthy relationships. In other words, you need 4 out of 5 interactions to be positive to have a healthy balance under normal circumstances (in simple terms, obviously, not allowing for depression, grieving etc). But generally being a controlling twit is not one of those special situations. Next time you feel like things are improving because he bought you a bag of crisps (while you are dieting) or unloaded the dishwasher, think about how many positive interactions you have had recently and compare them with the negative ones. Is the balance anywhere near the 80-20?

I think you will find it incredibly liberating to set your thinking free from his toxic influence. You mentioned that you are a bad driver. Really? Who told you that? How many accidents have you had? Do you constantly have issues parking or scrape your car? No, I did not think so. But you have been constantly bullied while driving, so naturally you will be nervous about it. I am sure you are a lot better than you give yourself credit for.

Similarly, my guess is that your lack of self-control is something that he convinced you of, is it not? In supportive partnerships, when one partner decides to diet, the other does not stock up on fatty food! But your husband, instead of supporting you, purposefully sets little traps for you and when you fall into them (as anybody would) he probably sneers and tells you that you have no self-control. Sinister, isn't it?

I am sorry this is so wordy, but I have a lot of empathy for you. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Caringsoul - thank you for your post. I'm incredibly touched someone took the effort to register just to respond to this thread.

The all 4's was just a one off, usually it is more licking and generally playing with that area. You are right that communication is key and perhaps collectively my husband and I don't communicate.

The most pathetic thing is that even today, when he stroked my arm I was so pleased to have his approval again.

When he went to bed earlier, usually I would follow him, probably end up going down on him, him spending about an hour to come and then thanking me and asking for a cup of tea (I know tea seems to feature quite a lot in our relationship!). I'm at the stage now where because it happens so infrequently I do want it to be loving and nice - It's soul destroying to have sex once every 2 months and for it to be a way for him to finish off.

Thank you for the suggestion of toxic parents, my brother (who refuses to see our father) has also recommended it, perhaps it is worth reading.

I honestly thought when I posted on here that no one would respond and those who did would say that I'm over reacting and I thank you all for helping me feel like I'm not just going mad

Im so glad your starting to see this relationship for what it is.

Where are you - can anyone offer you practical help? I hope you find the strength to get out - you sound so nice and lovely (sorry i know thats not very mn)

Sweetie, of course you crave his approval. Just the way you crave the approval of your father. Growing up in such horrible circumstances creates an emotional void which you desperately want to fill.

That is part of the reason why you are so worried about disappointing everyone and consider other people's feelings before your own. But in a loving relationship, you get love and approval as part of a constructive partnership and not as part of an emotionally abusive cycle, where someone offers love and attention and then yanks it back just to see you chase it.

The brother who does not see your father, he is the one who does not think that your husband makes you happy, is he not?

WhatIs, I've been there, done it, got the tshirt (not the sex part in the same way).

I would like to say well done for finding the courage to talk to us all. It is difficult and recognising for yourself that this is not usual behaviour is the first step.

I'm not normally one for relationship advice or telling people candidly what I think but I'm compelled to put the following, which I hope helps.

It took me 3 years to escape from my XP, mentally not physically, and all I can say is I've never been happier. Yes, it's hell and it hurts and you think you can never cope. You can, and you will. And you'll look back one day and be so grateful that you did take action. And you know what? I actually like myself now. And I'm proud of who I am, and what I've achieved. I'm no longer questioning every motive, action or comment. That in itself is exhausting and running you down, let along taking all the responsibilty of running a home and working etc.

Please, for the sake of your sanity and future happiness, recognise that you need to walk away from this man. Lean on your brother and your friends. And us.

Everyone on this thread has given you such great responses and advice - not sure what I can really add apart from that I agree you deserve much better and need to get out of this relationship! He is controlling and sounds like a total prat. You have a lot more going for you than he does - you don't need him so please don't put up with it!

Get out and give yourself a chance at a good relationship - you're still young enough to find someone right for you and start a family :)

I'm sure your brother and best friend will be supportive - don't worry about upsetting anyone with the split - you need to take care of your own interests!

Good luck!

great to read that you already seem to be starting to have a bit of a mind shift about your relationship. Wishing you so much luck for the future, you deserve it

I think when you do talk to your brother there's a chance that he will be relieved that you have opened up to him - don't be set back if not, but I think he might have an idea of what has been going on.

Does your DH make those sorts of horrid comments about strangers when other people are there, or just when you two are alone?

I was in a bad relationship before lovely DP and I so well remember that feeling of thinking that there was hope and that everything might get better.

It won't

I also felt like I would be letting everyone down if we broke up and that somehow it would mean that I was a failure.

This is total nonsense. Those that love and care for you want you to be happy and fulfilled.

I also felt like little gestures were a sign that things might get better and therefore it was worth staying around.

They WON'T get better. And as long as you stay you will continue to have low self esteem and to question yourself.

Breaking up is really hard. Even if it is with a total tossbag. Nothing is as bad as the situation in which you find yourself now though.

I think you will find the strength one day however and I am actually quite excited for you thinking of the happy times that await you.

I hope that you manage to muster that courage really soon. You really deserve to start living xx

Just wanted to third CarGirl's warning - if he gets a sniff that you are unhappy or thinking of leaving at all, he WILL suddenly turn into mr nice guy, make promises to change, buy elaborate gifts - a couple of weeks before we split, XP bought me a huge £30 bunch of flowers, delivered to his work so that he would look good, I was SAHM so nobody would have seen them if he'd had them delivered to me! He worked in a shop and he knew I'd pop in as I was in town. He also tried to get me to carry them home on the bus so that strangers would think what a wonderful boyfriend I had(!) I refused on the basis that they would get crushed as I tried to steer the pushchair... He also bought me a Wii, which we couldn't really afford.

Be prepared for the emotional onslaught as well if/when he realises you are not happy.

Sweetie you literally lick his bum?

And you don't get any of your needs met?

So hes done more housework this week. Does that change his emotional and physical abuse? And how long will it last before it goes back to the usual level?

He is seriously controlling you . Expecting you to go shopping for him etc and you are on tenterhooks just for using the computer.

His behaviour is very very extreme. I can't see it changing. Or any reason to stay.