Mumsnet Talk

Please post yours - this may help me! (following on from my other thread...)

If he treats his mother/sisters with anything less than respect.

Talks constantly about his ex

Doesn't speak to any of his exes (I know the jury's out on this one, but personally I think it's a good sign if people can still pull of a friendship with at least ine if their exes. It shows they're not a total wanker!)

Has children he doesn't see

if all his ex's are declared to be "freaks" or "mad" or "psycho"

Being rude to a waitress as he considers her to be "beneath" him.

Yes woody, totally agree on that one.

Always talks about himself and is never willing to consider your viewpoint

Ditto lowrib re talks about his exes. Bad.

Hides photos of his kids when you go round to his house.

Makes (negative) comments about your personal appearance, especially early on in your relationship. This could be coupled with point 1 above, and he compares your appearance/work/personality unfavourably to his ex.

Comes on too strong too soon: declares his undying love for you within a few days/weeks.

I think if you just wonder if that is the case, then you are probably right.

Criticising you all the time.
Always right (well he just can't be right all the time - come on!)
Yes, as someone else said, has children he doesn't see
All previous girlfriends were horrible and had a horrible break up
Thinks everything should be measured up against his mum's standards - not necessarily a real baddy, but likely to do your head in pretty quickly - grow up!!

driving......sit in the car with him,does he lose his temper,shout/swear at other drivers??

doesn't have a good thing to say about any of his exes
has children he doesn't see or rarely spends time with
is generally lacking in manners towards others ie watch him how he treats people in service industries
has a poor relationship with his mum
v few close friends
can't relate to children and they don't particularly warm to him
is still regularly using dating sites despite calling you his gf
i could go on lol
tbh.you can just spot them or if you can't listen to what your closest friends are telling you as they always have your best interests at heart

Very much agree re exes, either talking about them a lot or slagging them off.

No/crap contact with his children. And especially not financially supporting them.

Doesn't have any friends.

Comes on really strong very soon (wants to spend every day with you, wants to move in, talks about marriage)

Dodgy relationship with his Mum (either hates her or completely idolises her, both ring alarm bells)

Has masses of debt and nothing to show for it.

Lives with mates/parents/in lodgings. Changes jobs frequently.

His mates say things like, oh so you've tamed him have you?

I'll think of some more in a minute.

x-post with lots of you

sex....weird thoughts and suggestions. RUN FAST if he talks about threesomes!!

Have we had the waitress test yet?

Watch out for how he speaks to waiters/taxi drivers/bar staff etc. If he is rude to them now, then that's how he'll be talking to you in six months.

Yes any sign of unpleasantness or intolerance eg to waiters, someone who's accidentally bumped into him, etc.

Aggressive driving.

Any messing with your head, eg being late to keep you on your toes, playing mean practical jokes, dropping hints that he's got other women interested in him.

Overrides you all the time - you say you don't want another drink, he gets you one anyway, you want to see film A, he doesn't just say that he would rather see film B he tells you that you will enjoy film B more, he tells you you're too uptight, you need to relax, that you 'work too hard' and what you really need is a 'proper relationship'.
Serious alarm bells should ring if he says that you are too paranoid and should trust more in the very early stages - this is fairly classic date-rapist stuff.
Talks a lot about violence and aggression ie how he doesn't put up with 'disrespect', lots of stories about intimidating or physically attacking other people that he thinks present him in a heroic light.
Lots of stories about heavy drinking or drug use (this is boring as well as indicating possible addiction problems).
Negative view of women (particularly if it's a superstition-related one) dressed up as admiration of them - the 'wonderfulness' of women who don't go out to work and have lots of babies and 'take care of themselves'.

"Doesn't speak to any of his exes "

Uh-oh looks like I'm a bastard

Yes also to any kind of drug use, heavy drinking, etc. And the bleeding obvious like revealing that he has DC but refuses to pay maintenance, or is late with his rent but can afford booze. All things I have seen women just accept or make excuses for!

Using terminology like - 'how dare you', talking only about himself and no genuine interest in you (although this can initially be faked), being cruel to animals, never able to see two sides to anything and respecting anyone else's point of view.

Criticizes you in a 'jokey' or 'only saying it because I care' way but the criticisms hurt and he's dismissive if you tell him that.

Is threatened by your successes (dismissive, underhandedly critical)

Is threatened by your friends (critical, always finds reasons for you not to see them)

Is threatened by your family (as above)

After talking to him on the phone you feel worse about yourself

Critical in his view of women in general or sees them as either idealised or b*hes)

How does he handle minor humiliations? Can he laugh them off? Can he even admit to them?

Secretive about his friends/family or gives you reasons why you can't meet any of them ie everyone close to him lives abroad/works for MI5...

You only have his mobile number and he often doesn't pick up and calls you back or insists that you'd be best texting him

Frequently cancels dates at the last minute

Gets angry or patronising if you question anything that doesn't quite add up

- derides your opinion and pressures you to see 'his' point of everything

- talks badly of all his exes at every chance

- hides or doesn't see his kids

- points a finger at you and pushes you with the tip (DV alert)

- lying, cheating, irresponsibility, etc.

- cannot respect a 'NO'

@ Woody: good point. “I admire men of character, and I judge character not by how men deal with their superiors, but mostly how they deal with their subordinates, and that, to me, is where you find out what the character of a man is” Gen. H. Norman Schwartzkopf

I'm not sure the not staying in touch with exes is a red flag at all actually- it would only raise suspicions with me if he spoke of them all disrespectfully. I think it's normal enough not to particularly seek to remain friends with an ex if they naturally drop out of your orbit.

BOF, I like the word 'waitress test'. Much quicker than my longish quote

And so true!!

Farts in front of you in the early days when he's supposed to be on his best behaviour. Because a few years downthe line he'll be replicating the camp fire scene from the film Blazing Saddles on a nightly basis!

Seriously though - agree with waiters etc. Rude in public - nbot a good sign for the future. However, if too laid back will probably end up years down the line spending all weekend on the sofa watching sky sports.........and farting!

If we're talking about DV (rather than common-or-garden fuckwittery), here's Refuge's early warning signs