Being "Told Off" for things.

[Lemonadedibdab]

Let me give you a few examples.

H, comes in this morning. Kids bedroom window lock is unlatched as I was out on roof terrace hanging out washing. I needed to go back out so left latch off. Before I could go out he rang me and asked me to pick him up, rushed off to do that and forgot that the window was left unlatched. He came back and went mad, as soon as he pointed it out to me I said "Ok hold my hands up, should have remembered that", he continued to bollock me, in effect telling me off. I didnt apologise again just allowed him to rant and swear at me, then got annoyed myself and started shouting back at him. He says he has to bollock me like this because I "am not sorry enough". He wants me to show how sorry I am and tell him what steps I will take to ensure this does not happen again.

This is an ongoing thing with us. There was a bucket of water in the kitchen with Flash in it ready to mop the floor. He did a big gasp when he saw it and with big exaggerated movements went and tipped it away, muttering under his breath and going on about how dd nearly stepped into it, she didn't she was no-where near it.

He says that because I didn't ensure the window was latched, our kids our in danger and anyone could look in and see them in there and I don't care about them because I don't look after them, he says he can't trust me safely with his kids.

This is exactly as it happened and it happens A LOT, usually about "health and Safety issues" for example if the bathroom floor gets wet when I am bathing kids I am expected to immediately mop it up with mop or bath towel or he goes off on one. He says I react like a stroppy teenager when he "has to bollock me" and he is probably right. I am so fucking sick of being bollocked by him, surely as a self governing adult it is up to me to decide exactly how sorry I am for minor infractions such as this and take the necessary steps to avoid it happening again. I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought. He is gone now but I still feel angry and shaky. Am I in the wrong here and just can't see it?

I'm sorry lemonade that I made you cry. Honestly, I am, but I think sometimes people get a bit of a shock when they realise that people on the outside of their relationship are pretty much amazed at how bad it seems.

The thing is, the person you are married to is supposed to be your partner. Your PARTNER through your life which means that you share and help and love each other and work together towards goals. When you got married I don't expect you thought 'Oh great, now I've got a boss, who will nag, shout and be-little me and actively work against me within our family" did you? Oh and if you had a boss like that, I expect you'd leave your job wouldn't you?

Being someones wife isn't working for a boss. It's supposed to be a partnership.

No-one "has to bollock" the adult they share their life with - that's a workplace boss/subordinate scenario.

He isn't your boss.He's your husband.and you are quite right,it's up to you how sorry you are about whatever it is he is on about,and up to you to decide how to stop it happening again.
(frankly I'm not surprised if you do react like a stroppy teenager,not saying you are but IMO that would be a perfectly reasonable reaction to that kind of behaviour...)

I get "told off" all the time. Usually re housework, forgetting something at the supermarket or for not telling him something. Just goes on and on about the most inconsequential things til I get so pissed off I lose my temper. This thread has thoroughly depressed me tbh

I am not surprised, mollys

me too Mollys :(

Brings back memories for me so :( for you.

for anyone who puts up with this sort of crap, I suggest you have a read of this current thread

I think there's something quite repulsive about a man obsessing so much over household issues. Safety is important, of course it is, but all the rest is just petty.

It's like those men who comment on what their wives buy, following them around Tesco. Gives me the shivers. Way too controlling.

Was he like this before the kids were born?

there is something unmanly about it too

the most unmanly character trait though, is to be a bully

You're so right AnyFucker. The biggest turn off has to be a bully. I just swoon at good manners and kindness.

'It's like those men who comment on what their wives buy, following them around Tesco'.

That to..it's all textbook.

OP - what are you going to do?

I agree that you need to talk to him about it. No point in seething in silence.

If he continues to do it or refuses to change then ultimatums must be given. You are both adults. He has to stop treating you like a child.

May I be so bold as to ask what your sex life is like? Is it heavily regulated - i.e. at certain times of the week or (inference) else?

It's got absolutely nothing to do with household issues. That is just a convenient tool that this particular wanker is using. (Quite a common one too)

I had a friend who was married to a man who would go absolutely batshit ape if she left a fork on the drying rack. I mean, get a fucking life loser, but it wasn't about the fork really, if the entire house had been cleaned by little birds and forest animals and was sparkling a la Disney, he would have found something, because he was an abusive, insecure, dickless, bully.

Does he have OCD? May be the reason he feels the need to have things 'just so' but that needn't be an issue. His communication with you is ...I tend to wander off as if something else has caught my interest at such moments

I really feel for you, this is exactly where I was two years ago. It's awful and crushing to live with.

Please don't put up with it, it gets worse if anything, until you barely trust your own judgement. It's a horrible place to be. I remember being pitifully grateful if he ever did anything "nice", and nice meant things like clearing up after himself, or talking to me in a reasonable tone - it didn't even extend to warmth or compliments and I was still pleased.

Now I'm with someone totally different, who praises me to my face, and to others, and never ever seeks to put me down. He does nice things for me because he wants to, not for anything in return. I'm slowly learning this is actually normal behaviour, not the treatment I was conditioned to accept.

I do get this, but DP has definitely has obsessive tendencies wrt housework. It used to wind me up because he'd get in and start cleaning up the (already clean) kitchen, rather than spending a bit of time with DS before his betime. Now it just pissed me off because he's a judgemental prick. He doesn't tell me off as such, but will wander into the kitchen and mutter 'oh, for fucks sake' under his breath if I've so much as left a plate on the side, but when I call him on it he denies all knowledge..

Yes, i get that he's very stressed with work, but that's no excuse for him to take it out on me and DS :(

" have heard the odd "Lemonade is a great Mum" said to his family but never, ever to me, just constant criticism"

ah yes my exP did that trick!

people could not believe it when i left "but he speaks so highly of you says how wonderful you are"

took me a while to work that one out...

leave him. honestly. it wont get any better. he thinks he is entitled.

but be careful - he may be tallying up these alleged incidents to use against you in residence battle....

you going to need RL support. can you see a counsellor?

My ex used to do this and he was a total knob. It makes you feel really powerless because even once you apologise they keep on and on and on and escalate it out of all proportion. You feel like nothing you say or do will make it stop and it's just horrible bullying really.

What fruitshoot said, basically.

I feel for you OP, hope this thread is helping you get some clarity on what you want to do.

He believes in a "traditional" set up. Where the man goes to work and does absolutely jack all round the house. A family needs someone to be in charge (the man) and as his father oh so sweetly puts it "there is only room for one pair of balls in the house".

No sex life whatsoever. He has been unfaithful to me in the past and I am just not attracted to him at all, cue him telling me this is the reason he was unfaithful (bullshit, it was very active when he first strayed).

We are already finished really, just have to sort out the practicalities. I was very ill (stress related) last year and I blame him. Someone on here has said I would end up mentally ill, I think that already happened.

It is just his utter certainty that he is right all the time that I find so confusing. I question myself all the time. I find myself dwelling on individual occurences like those in my first post rather than looking at the bigger picture.

Write yourself a list of all the cuntish things he does. Add to it whenever he does something new.

DOn't forget to make time to eat and breather.

Oh, infidelity as well? Get shot, you can do so much better than this miserable excuse for a man. We'll support you through this, it's like ripping off a plaster - hurts initially, but you will be so much better in the long run.

Well, you've started to see the bigger picture now, which is good.

You need to leave. Or better still, make him.Let's see how controlling he is then, when he has to run back to his (equally vile sounding parents) and tell them he's bollixed up everything.

Btw, I only clicked on this thread because I thought it was another one where someone is being "told off" by their partner. There seems to be a crop of them today.

I believe for any relationship to work there has to be a very strong foundation of respect and that seems to be totally missing from your relationship Lemonade. Yes, you make mistakes, but we all do and the fact that he believes you need "constructive criticism" shows how little faith and trust he has in you. When my DH does something that worries me I just let him know, in my most neutral tone, without any judgement at all, and I assume he is sensible enough to do something about it. I don't think he has ever criticised me once, or if he has it was so nicely put that it made no impact on me. Your DH sounds like he's on a power trip. Have you ever turned the tables on him and "constructively criticised" what he does? Might be an interesting experiment, and if he objects you could say oh it's just constructive criticism it's pretty pathetic that you can't take it, particularly as you can dish it out easily enough.