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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being "Told Off" for things.

129 replies

Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:44

Let me give you a few examples.

H, comes in this morning. Kids bedroom window lock is unlatched as I was out on roof terrace hanging out washing. I needed to go back out so left latch off. Before I could go out he rang me and asked me to pick him up, rushed off to do that and forgot that the window was left unlatched. He came back and went mad, as soon as he pointed it out to me I said "Ok hold my hands up, should have remembered that", he continued to bollock me, in effect telling me off. I didnt apologise again just allowed him to rant and swear at me, then got annoyed myself and started shouting back at him. He says he has to bollock me like this because I "am not sorry enough". He wants me to show how sorry I am and tell him what steps I will take to ensure this does not happen again.

This is an ongoing thing with us. There was a bucket of water in the kitchen with Flash in it ready to mop the floor. He did a big gasp when he saw it and with big exaggerated movements went and tipped it away, muttering under his breath and going on about how dd nearly stepped into it, she didn't she was no-where near it.

He says that because I didn't ensure the window was latched, our kids our in danger and anyone could look in and see them in there and I don't care about them because I don't look after them, he says he can't trust me safely with his kids.

This is exactly as it happened and it happens A LOT, usually about "health and Safety issues" for example if the bathroom floor gets wet when I am bathing kids I am expected to immediately mop it up with mop or bath towel or he goes off on one. He says I react like a stroppy teenager when he "has to bollock me" and he is probably right. I am so fucking sick of being bollocked by him, surely as a self governing adult it is up to me to decide exactly how sorry I am for minor infractions such as this and take the necessary steps to avoid it happening again. I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought. He is gone now but I still feel angry and shaky. Am I in the wrong here and just can't see it?

OP posts:
PandaEis · 17/09/2010 14:17

AF Sad

lemonade so glad you found the strength to make him go and that he has gone now x hopefully now you can start living your life without the constant bad feeling your (X)H had hanging around him like a bad smell.

Lemonadedibdab · 17/09/2010 14:18

I am ok thanks. To be fair though we have split previously but he has always wheedled his way back in so this is not the massive upheavel it might have been. We have had a massive fight about it and he tells me that as the one earning the money, he has every right to bollock me if I am not performing the way that I should - eg not locking windows, leaving lids of bleach bottles (this happened once, three years ago and I can't even be sure it was me). He does not want a wife who acts like Kevin the Teenager every time he pulls her up on something. I have to show my concern for what I have done and be on the same page as him. Well its fine then isn't it because he doesn't have a wife at all now does he? He is totally unrepentant, 100% he was in the right. He says he believes me to be equal to him but we should be allowed to bollock each other if things go wrong and someone is to blame.

Apparently this bollocking is exactly the same as me going on at him for not going to work when hung over (regular Monday thing, a couple of years ago), no difference apparently. Once again I don't really know what to think but am too tired to even try really.

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 17/09/2010 14:19

My god! You are well rid Shock

Well done lemonade!

Lemonadedibdab · 17/09/2010 14:20

Just to be clear, he drinks A LOT and has lost jobs through doing so and for a year or so rarely went in to work on Mondays, so hungoever was he from his weekends. I had new born babies (who he did not help with it all) and was terrified he would lose his job so yes I suppose I did nag him about it. Apparently exactly the same thing.

OP posts:
PandaEis · 17/09/2010 14:26

lemonade it is most definitely NOT the same!! he is treating you like an employee and you were being a concerned wife. him not taking care of his family by excessively drinking and not going into work is a cause for your concern and a valid reason to speak to that person about it...you not locking the cleaning cupboard in a gated kitchen and him 'bollocking' you for it is not something that happens in equal partnerships!! he needs to have counselling IMO

you have done the right thing and YOU are in the right not him!! with him being a bullying control freak he obviously wont agree but you KNOW you are right so stick to your gunsSmile

witlesssarah · 17/09/2010 14:27

Well done lemonade, I hope you can stick to your guns and make sure he doesn't wheedle his way back in.

merrywidow · 17/09/2010 14:49

just make sure you never let him back...

my H used to go on and on and on about how I stacked the washing up in the sink - it was never correct. I would hear him cursing loudly and calling me names whilst banging the dishes. One day I walked into the kitchen whilst he was cursing, picked up a load of plates, opened the back door and threw the lot out smashing them all over the patio. I calmly said 'now, we dont have to worry about the plates anymore do we?'.

I no longer have to worry about this anymore, or many other 'rules' I frequently broke as my H passed away.

mathanxiety · 17/09/2010 14:53

Lemonade you are a brave woman and 100% right to nag about the hangovers. Make sure he doesn't wheedle his way back now?

I like the way you haven't mentioned where he may have gone to, what his arrangements are, whose couch he's sleeping on -- and I hope you won't waste any time worrying about those details of his life. He will be fine, people like his always are. He will probably try to test your resolve in the next while, and I'm sure he won't be nice to deal with if he decides to play a part in the DCs' lives. But stay tough. Don't overthink what's happened, or start doubting yourself.

Will you be changing your name to KevinTheTeenager? Grin

tallwivglasses · 17/09/2010 14:57

Thank God! Stay strong and keep posting. You're amazing x

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 17/09/2010 16:36

bloody hell, merry widow Shock and Grin

ViveLeCliche · 18/09/2010 16:28

Well done Lemonade! Have just read thread from start to finish and kudos for getting him out. Isn't it so nice for you and the DCs to have the house to yourself with no atmosphere? When you feel up to it start getting your finances in order - that will show him you mean business. Are you married? Will you have to divorce?

Lemonadedibdab · 18/09/2010 17:41

Well I have had a day of utter peace.

It was all very complicated to be honest, we had split so many times and then sort of got back together and "lets see how it goes" etc. This was a "lets see how it goes" period so this is not the huge shock and upheaval it was the first time he moved out. More of the same really. I needed to be sure really. I don't know what is wrong with me in that I read all the books, already have Lundy Bancroft and Living with the Dominator etc and I can see him in Black and White in those books but can't seem to believe he is an abuser iyswim? The trouble is he is so reasonable about 70% of the time that you find yourself thinking "well its not that bad" but the other 30% is beyond miserable, I mean feeling miserable and invaded and bullied to your very bones, utterly unbearable. Then reasonable, generous H comes back and is here for a while so you forget. Then when he does it again I absolutely hate myself for having let him back in again. It is not even a conscious thing, the letting him back in thing I mean, just all of a sudden he is there and putting the boot in.

Is this what happens in these situations? Did everyone else find it hard to believe even though you were seeing it and reading it, not to mention experiencing it in Black and White? Why can't I just Get It once and for all.

In the words of Hugh Grant in About A Boy "I knew that it had to end sometime, but I just couldn't feel it!"

I am sure he must be abusive because the books say he is but I just can't feel it.

God I am rambling now. Sorry. All I know is that I am so, so glad he is not here.

*MerryWidow", I have read your other posts and it all sounds just awful Sad.

OP posts:
Lemonadedibdab · 18/09/2010 17:45

Mathanxiety that site "Out of the Fog" is brilliant. There are things on there that I didn't have a name for that he was doing and it seems they are actually real, abusive things. Never seen that on here before, you should always link to that site for women being emotionally abused it is a great resource.

OP posts:
long · 18/09/2010 18:28

dont forget to call the police if he tries to come back

ManBloke · 19/09/2010 08:45

As great a forum as this might be for sorting out some kid issues, it's still the web (pretendy world) - and the web is the last place I would turn for relationship advice. Sure, I might skim the internet for similar situations to my own for voyeuristic reference only, however, I would never put my story out for evaluation as, try as I might(not), I'm very unlikely to tell the full story - although I might throw in the odd "I know I'm a pain too..." type nuggets to give it a more reasonable flavour.

Would anyone accept a divorce hearing or the results of a counselling session where only the evidence of their DH was allowed, none of it was ever verified and the jury was made up almost entirely of like-minded men.

I am not saying that stories are true or otherwise, however, the web is a great place to skew perspective in order to allow us to keep doing whatever we're doing that's not right. Problem is, when kids are involved this isn't good, as indirectly supporting someone's problematic or possibly problem-inducing behaviour impacts directly on the kids.

Although not as many, there are men's website's where we can have a good moan about our other halves, however, I and most men avoid them like the plague. The thing that tends to run through most mens' heads as they look at them is, "Don't these people have mates better placed to give them advice. If not, why haven't they got any proper mates?" The answer is generally yes they do have friends, however, those friends know a bit too much of the whole story to give the answers they're looking for.

We all have friends who do this - complain about their relationships, but in the back of your mind you're thinking, "I could never live with you, you're way too annoying self-obsessed and rude - you just either don't know it or don't care." These same people reinvent themselves on the web, soak up the sympathy and use it as an excuse to never change.

A few stories may be the whole truth, some not, however, I tend to fall on the side of generally not believing the versions I see on the web as I find it unpleasant to broadcast very personal problems to the world without allowing the accused to state their case. It does give a less than favourable insight into the character of the poster.

That said, without people spraying their personal business all over the web it would be a duller place - so what they hey!

Before we jump ship on the back of ill-informed advice, we need to look at these sobering facts which are as relevant to men as women.

First marriage 50% failure rate
Second marriage 72% failure rate
Third marriage 84% failure rate
Fourth marriage 92% failure rate

If we don't seek and act on genuine unbiased advice which forces us to be honest with ourselves, we're most likely to repeat the same mistakes, wrecking our own and more importantly the lives of others along the way. If a relationship is, however, abusive and that abuse is genuinely disproportionate to anything you may have done - the time for talking has passed. Don't waste your time on the internet, get out of the relationship asap and seek support afterwards.

TheProvincialLady · 19/09/2010 08:54

Well, thanks for sharing those highly insightful and relevant thoughts, ManBloke.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/09/2010 09:13

Yes dear, and she has got out of the relationship as you advocate, so result achieved, right? Not sure what your point is.

hoppybird · 19/09/2010 10:24

ManBloke:

""Don't these people have mates better placed to give them advice. If not, why haven't they got any proper mates?" The answer is generally yes they do have friends, however, those friends know a bit too much of the whole story to give the answers they're looking for."

It's ironic that you have chosen to leave that comment on this particular thread, Manbloke. Speaking from personal experience (which is mirrored in this thread an awful lot), the sense of shame at failing in my relationship was too great to be able to share with family and friends. Also,I wasn't able to believe that anything bad was happening (I believe the term is gaslighting) as I had been gradually duped into thinking everything was normal and that I was partly to blame for my ex's unreasonable behaviour.

Speaking for myself, I found it difficult to maintain close relationships with friends because of my ex, he kept me away from my family, controlled the finances...it is so hard to explain to people in real life, because of the shame, but also for fear of sounding petty. In isolation, some of the things a partner does sound innocuous, and you don't want to look like you're complaining about your partner in front of your friends/family, because of their outwardly reasonable appearance.

When I left my relationship, a number of friends admitted that they had seen signs that my ex wasn't great - they just didn't feel it was their place to interfere in my marriage - I wouldn't want to do that either.

swallowedAfly · 19/09/2010 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lemonadedibdab · 19/09/2010 12:32

Actually manbloke I make a point of posting the things I do as well, otherwise what is the point? I am not getting proper advice if I am only posting "wah, wah, wah, poor me". Fact is I didn't want to break up my family, I suspect that most people with children don't. So I looked for many excuses NOT to do that. I always post my own faults because I suppose what I am really looking for is someone to say "well actually it is you as well" and then I would be able to actually do something about that wouldn't I? I could change myself and keep my family together.

No I don't actually have any RL mates at all because my ex used to go crazily nuts if I ever had any contact with them (they were mostly men as I have always worked in a male dominated environment), I stopped having contact with them because it just wasn't worth it. I live in a large, anonymous city where it is very difficult to get to know new people, not much sense of community here. As my very sympathetic SIL said to me when I told her I just couldn't talk to anyone while it was all going on "yes, I suppose it would be difficult to let people know what a fucking idiot you have been staying with my Brother for this long!". I love her and we laughed and it was totally tongue in cheek but she was not wrong.

I not actually sure what you were trying to achieve with your post but would appreciate if you didn't bother to post again, this thread and others I have posted have been a life line for me and I would rather not have to respond to opinions like that. Have rather enough on my plate already.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 19/09/2010 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ManBloke · 20/09/2010 00:01

My point is, the best place to solve real problems is in reality. Most relationship problems are 3 dimensional and the web is a 2D sort of a place. I don't have any answers just views and opinions which it is the right of anyone to reasonably debate - hopefully shedding a little light in all directions, mine included. I always hoped that this board was free from the shortcomings of other forums, as it does generally provide a great service on the kids front. But rather than assume, I have dipped a toe in the water - and it has been interesting to see how debate can be shut down so venomously. Not a hundred miles different from men?s forums which can tend to be quite unpleasant sounding boards littered with tiresome references to ?nagging? and ?the evils of feminismÂ’ .

There are countless organisations that anyone qualified in relationship counselling would point a person in need towards, but none would say post your problems on the net ? for many of the reasons I?ve given. The net is addictive because of the disconnect it provides from reality and as such it can become a dangerously comforting haven for those escaping others or themselves.

No one in their right mind is happy to break up a relationship, but I'm of the opinion that, the sooner a person genuinely assesses the situation they're in the quicker they can genuinely deal with it, giving them more happy days ahead than bad days behind. When it involves children too, those decisions need to be made sooner rather than later. The web tends to provide a place in which people dwell while the problem continues, wasting time, endangering sanity and sometimes lives. And ill-informed advice after a split can ensure that the same mistakes are repeated as the advice given is very often 'Don't change the way you are - you're amazing!', which may or may not be the case, but it's vital to find this out quickly.

The best friends I have are the ones who have fired the uncomfortable questions at me and quite bluntly tested my arguments ? they have saved previous relationships by forcing me to confront my own short comings, or cleared up doubt allowing me to move on. I?ve always thanked them for that. The mates who gave the text book feel-good answers, I still care for but see about once every 6 months as our relationships have never grown, nor are they likely to.

Everything I have said on this board I have applied to and said to men as well, in person, as the problems here are not gender specific. Ranting health and safety control freaks come in both genders, and anxious people of either sex have never been cured by the sentiment ?Try to worry less, everything will be OK.?.

Hi swallowedAfly, on the anxiety front, I along with 99.9% of the population have suffered from anxiety and I know full well that it?s a condition that you feed yourself. Even if life conditions get better for an anxiety sufferer, it just gives them more time to worry about something else - and there?s always something else to worry about, if not an anxiety sufferer will invent it. Sometimes a candid view can be the catalyst needed to cause someone revaluate the way they deal with stress. I may well have been a bit too harsh though, in which case I apologise.

....oh yeah, put me down as having posted only 2 out of the 3 times before, as opposed to three times, as I plastered one up on the wrong board ? hoped everyone would figure it was out of context and ignore it.

Well, I?ve now had a whole foot in the water and it?s pretty much frozen up to the ankle, so I?ll get my ice skates and glide on. I wish you all the very best in whatever you choose to do in life and that is said in all sincerity.

kyotokate · 20/09/2010 01:06

Manbloke you were VERY clearly asked by the OP NOT to post on this thread again.

tallwivglasses · 20/09/2010 01:39

Op 's response was very dignified. Mine's not. Now FUCK OFF.

TechLovingDad · 20/09/2010 02:09

manbloke, thanks for the lecture. I'm sure we'll all take it on board, as in completely ignore you.

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