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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being "Told Off" for things.

129 replies

Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:44

Let me give you a few examples.

H, comes in this morning. Kids bedroom window lock is unlatched as I was out on roof terrace hanging out washing. I needed to go back out so left latch off. Before I could go out he rang me and asked me to pick him up, rushed off to do that and forgot that the window was left unlatched. He came back and went mad, as soon as he pointed it out to me I said "Ok hold my hands up, should have remembered that", he continued to bollock me, in effect telling me off. I didnt apologise again just allowed him to rant and swear at me, then got annoyed myself and started shouting back at him. He says he has to bollock me like this because I "am not sorry enough". He wants me to show how sorry I am and tell him what steps I will take to ensure this does not happen again.

This is an ongoing thing with us. There was a bucket of water in the kitchen with Flash in it ready to mop the floor. He did a big gasp when he saw it and with big exaggerated movements went and tipped it away, muttering under his breath and going on about how dd nearly stepped into it, she didn't she was no-where near it.

He says that because I didn't ensure the window was latched, our kids our in danger and anyone could look in and see them in there and I don't care about them because I don't look after them, he says he can't trust me safely with his kids.

This is exactly as it happened and it happens A LOT, usually about "health and Safety issues" for example if the bathroom floor gets wet when I am bathing kids I am expected to immediately mop it up with mop or bath towel or he goes off on one. He says I react like a stroppy teenager when he "has to bollock me" and he is probably right. I am so fucking sick of being bollocked by him, surely as a self governing adult it is up to me to decide exactly how sorry I am for minor infractions such as this and take the necessary steps to avoid it happening again. I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought. He is gone now but I still feel angry and shaky. Am I in the wrong here and just can't see it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 16:49

stop questioning yourself

it is the reason you have stayed so long

I hate this man, and I have never met him

take steps to end your marriage

if you need support in RL to do that, start telling people, gather as much support as you can. If people find it hard to believe what an abusive twat he is, tell them and tell them how and why

seek help from your GP for anxiety and ask to be referred for counselling

the "big picture" is that you are slowly dying in a marriage that will kill your self-esteem and your spirit

never mind "pizza on a plate" and "passing cutlery"

he is being nice to you in public because he wants to be the big guy

I hope you understand it is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better

but that is preferable to just getting worse, and worse, and worse ad infinitum

tell me...has he started on the children yet ?

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 15/09/2010 16:49

Cuntish is my new word of the day. Shame I can't really practise it in front of the dc's though Grin
Sums it up though.

TheButterflyEffect · 15/09/2010 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 16:58

This is not about neurosis or health and safety. This is emotional and verbal abuse of you.

Do not answer any particular things he brings up. They are all random things, and if it wasn't the window or the bucket of flash it would be something else. You do not answer to him. Close your mouth and fold your arms and ask him when he stops to draw breath if he's finished ranting. Do not play this game. Refuse to engage. Walk away and wave a hand in the air at him ('talk to the hand' gesture) or say 'Whatever...'

This might be reassuring to you, and all of the links posted on the thread linked above. I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That" about controlling men. Very glad you're considering ending it, Lemonadedibdab. I found myself grinding my teeth when I read that you had dropped what you were doing to give him a lift and afterwards he treated you to a piece of his disordered mind. Make your plans and get on with the far better life that's in store.

Abandon hope, if you have any, that things will get better, or that you will somehow get through to him. Sorry to be bleak, but therapists' offices are full of ex partners and current partners of people like this man. They do a number on your mental health.

DollyTwat · 15/09/2010 17:01

You'll never win lemonade. I think you know that. Your thread has reminded me of my ex who thought I needed daily appraisals of my personality flaws. It grinds you down.

He still does it whenever he can now. Even if the kids need a filling he manages to make me feel like it's my inability to look after them that's caused it. I keep a big distance between us now because I can.

People like this never change. They get worse the more control you take away from them ime.

Have you worked out practically how you will cope without him ?

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 17:04

AnyFucker No he hasn't started on the dc and this is another thing that confuses me. I know from reading MN that abusive men tend to do it to all their family members but it only really seems to be me, which is another reason I question myself all the time, maybe I am just a complete arse like he says. Although I have seen him go off at his Mum and sisters in a similar way, though not nearly so often. He adores the kids and I sometimes think he uses this adoration as a stick to beat me with if that doesn't sound weird. What I mean is that he uses his Love for them to pull me up as he is Putting Their Needs First and worried about them and so on.

When he goes to his Mums house he goes on about safety issues there, locking gates, pans on the back of the hob etc but he will do it when she is stood right in front of the hob using a pan or something, he insists that we only cook on the back rings of the hob. And if you object it is because you are complacent, don't care about the kids safety and so on. How can you argue with that? If you remonstrate with him for being too controlling, it ALL for the sake of the kids and YOU must be a really awful person to have a problem with someone only wanting to keep their kids safe. So he puts himself firmly in the right every time.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 15/09/2010 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 17:08

Thank you all so much, reading the answers on this thread and how many people have responded to me makes me feel like I have had the most refreshing glass of water on a hot day or something, so relieved and vindicated.

Believe me I have tried he not responding thing and this is when he says that I dont "care enough" and am not "sorry enough" so he has to bollock me more to make sure he is getting his point across. Nothing works with him.

I have already left in my mind, just need to sort it out properly.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 15/09/2010 17:10

sounds like his is not rational about risk either. Living in constant fear that your children will be stolen or drown in a bucket of water if not normal and is far beyond the reality of risk.

I am not sure you can do anything about it - or sound as if you even want to try (for which I don't blame you). If leaving is what you are building upto I hope it works out - but I have a feeling he is not going to let go easily - particularly with children involved - he may well try to blacken your character and say you aren't fit because you don't keep them safe enough.

You probably need to get advice.

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 17:11

Do any of you who have been in this situation understand me when I say that even if he doesn't say anything to me he does things with big, exaggerated movements? Like if he is clearing up something that has maybe been spilt and left for a few minutes because I was busy with one of dc he will pull a really disgusted face and stride to the kitchen, pull the cloths out and clear it up. He manages to let me know I have fucked up without saying anything. Then acts all innocent when I say anything about it. And how can you describe that to someone "well no, he didn't actually say anything, he just moved around really quickly and exaggeratedly". People would think you were a nutter. He does this ALL the time.

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 15/09/2010 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 17:14

If the DCs have ever seen it or heard it, then he may not even have to go to work on them directly.

He has chanced upon the safety thing as his unassailable trump card, but the fact that he uses it in order to undermine and dominate others, face to face, when they're doing whatever they have a perfect right to be doing (with him as the beneficiary too, in the case of washing or cooking or cleaning the kitchen floor) using their own judgement in their own homes (yours and his mum's) reveals his true motives. He is a put-down artist who needs to control and hurt others.

Putting the DCs on some sort of pedestal makes it all the worse for them when (not if, when) he chooses the moment to kick it from under them and make them suffer as he is now making you suffer. He probably didn't show his true colours with you from the start -- when did you first notice him devalue you like this?

If they understand language, they know what's going on already though, and they are waiting for their own fate.

TheButterflyEffect · 15/09/2010 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 17:20

TheButterflyEffect it is interesting to hear it from the other side iyswim? My Mum is like this too, manages to dominate the entire atmosphere without saying a word unfortunately she does not have your insight though.

"He has chanced upon the safety thing as his unassailable trump card, but the fact that he uses it in order to undermine and dominate others, face to face, when they're doing whatever they have a perfect right to be doing (with him as the beneficiary too, in the case of washing or cooking or cleaning the kitchen floor) using their own judgement in their own homes (yours and his mum's) reveals his true motives. He is a put-down artist who needs to control and hurt others."

You have put into words what I have been trying to express for the last 8 years.

Funnily enough he was NOT like this when we first met, he was lovely, it took about a year and coincided with his first episode of being unfaithful, I always wondered if he did it to devalue me so he could justify his infidelity but then I look at his parents and think it was always in the post really. It is all very confusing.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 17:22

ANd yes, I know exactly what you're saying when you describe the furious cleaning of the kitchen. ExH used to tackle the housework like a hurricane blowing through. It was so god-awfully unpleasant for everyone that I dragged myself off my sickbed to avoid the horror and the silent raging and the faces he pulled. Eyerolling and sighing and tightened jaw and grim expression, and cursing under his breath. He could roll his eyes like no teenage girl could in a month of trying. He played the put-upon martyr with ferocious anger expressed in his body language. Everyone would tiptoe off to their rooms.

I gave up leaving him at home alone with the DCs because I would come home from somewhere like grocery shopping at the weekend and find all the DCs sitting on the couch in complete silence, sucking thumbs, watching the TV very vacantly no matter what was on, all staring straight ahead and very shaken in their demeanour. House would be all picked up and tidy.

mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 17:28

'I always wondered if he did it to devalue me so he could justify his infidelity but then I look at his parents and think it was always in the post really. It is all very confusing.' Nail on the headwrt the devaluing. There's so much pretzel logic, all can really count on is that you're in the doghouse no matter what he does.

I hope you've been getting std tests regularly.

Mine turned out to be a cheater too, and I suspect it was with other men. He confessed one fling with a woman, which I think was a carefully constructed lie partly designed to prevent him from having to say out loud what he had really been up to and so burst his little bubble of superiority.

Bucharest · 15/09/2010 17:28

He was like it when you first met him. He was just biding his time.

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 17:30

Sad your poor kids mathanxiety.

OP posts:
amberleaf · 15/09/2010 17:35

lemonadedibdab

This brings back memories.

Please believe me-There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I left and i am soooo much happier, I dont know the sad person i was back then.

It IS NOT YOU .......Its totally HIM

mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 17:37

We were all satellites.

He knew what he was doing -- at a last-ditch effort to try to save the relationship he admitted that he was only letting them be happy if he felt like allowing it. It's all deliberate. They get enough out of it to make it completely worth the effort.

DollyTwat · 15/09/2010 18:11

The huffingand puffing in the kitchen is very familiar. To the point I would look around before he came in to see what I would be told off for. If I had finished a cup of coffee he would snatch the cup away indicating I was lazy for not washing it up immediately.

My ex could change the atmosphere in a room without saying a word.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 18:16

like I said, I hate this man

OP, you must end your relationship in any way you can

Tanga · 15/09/2010 18:53

What anyfucker said. Leaving in your head is fine, now what do you have to do to leave in reality?

witlesssarah · 15/09/2010 19:44

what amberleaf said, I've been there too and I'm so happy now and with such a good man. it isn't you its him and you can move forward to a better life. Try to get some support in RL soon because I agree with others that he'll fight this - he won't want to give up his control

mrspnut · 15/09/2010 20:34

I wanted to post this as a sort of check list for women who think they might be in a similar situation.

It's very common behaviour and as loads of other posters have said, it could be a perfect house but they will still find something to kick off about.

Give Women's Aid a call, they can help you sort out your options and help you to carry through what it is you want to happen.