Being "Told Off" for things.

[Lemonadedibdab]

Let me give you a few examples.

H, comes in this morning. Kids bedroom window lock is unlatched as I was out on roof terrace hanging out washing. I needed to go back out so left latch off. Before I could go out he rang me and asked me to pick him up, rushed off to do that and forgot that the window was left unlatched. He came back and went mad, as soon as he pointed it out to me I said "Ok hold my hands up, should have remembered that", he continued to bollock me, in effect telling me off. I didnt apologise again just allowed him to rant and swear at me, then got annoyed myself and started shouting back at him. He says he has to bollock me like this because I "am not sorry enough". He wants me to show how sorry I am and tell him what steps I will take to ensure this does not happen again.

This is an ongoing thing with us. There was a bucket of water in the kitchen with Flash in it ready to mop the floor. He did a big gasp when he saw it and with big exaggerated movements went and tipped it away, muttering under his breath and going on about how dd nearly stepped into it, she didn't she was no-where near it.

He says that because I didn't ensure the window was latched, our kids our in danger and anyone could look in and see them in there and I don't care about them because I don't look after them, he says he can't trust me safely with his kids.

This is exactly as it happened and it happens A LOT, usually about "health and Safety issues" for example if the bathroom floor gets wet when I am bathing kids I am expected to immediately mop it up with mop or bath towel or he goes off on one. He says I react like a stroppy teenager when he "has to bollock me" and he is probably right. I am so fucking sick of being bollocked by him, surely as a self governing adult it is up to me to decide exactly how sorry I am for minor infractions such as this and take the necessary steps to avoid it happening again. I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought. He is gone now but I still feel angry and shaky. Am I in the wrong here and just can't see it?

God, why am I not surprised he cheated too. Just another means of ruining your self esteem and keeping you powerless.

If you are ready to leave, great. But please get as much info and help as you can. As another poster said (sorry, can't recall), he is likely to start throwing accusations around about YOUR mental health and motives. I think he will play very dirty. Gather all your strength and support and fight back.

We are all willing you on, totally here beside you.

i can relate to huffing and puffing and angry body language as well lemonadedibdab - i wish you all the best with your plans

Unfortunately I too can relate to the things that you H has been saying especially the bollocking.
I was always getting told off for anythingI thought I was losing my mind.
It took me 18 months to leave him but I did. It was scary for me and hard as I found out he tried to get me declared an unfit mother but he didn't stand a chance on that one. Neither will yours!

Get out and then you can recover from this abuse in safety.

oh God yes, on the huffing and puffing. I used to feel sick every time he had to do something like put a picture up, and if I was cooking in the kitchen I'd get all clumsy once he walked in.

'Home improvement' -- what an ironic term. One of the worst days of my life was when exH decided to tackle a plumbing job.

MrsPnut is right: call Women;s aid for help and support in getting rid of this man. Unfortunately men like this, abusive bullies who feelentitled to mistreat their partners because they don;t think women are human at al, and the woman they live with is something like a combination of domestic pet and appliance that needs frequent kicks to keep it 'working' - these men often escalate to physical violence when the woman sees through them and the verbal abuse stops having an effect on her (ie you realise he's a dick and remain indifferent or walk away when he starts ranting).
The most dangerous time with a man like this is when you are about to leave: WA can often help with sending someone round or if there has been any history of physical violence the police domestic violence unit can send an officer roundif necessary.

I just through quickly and am about to go out.

He is manipulating you and it is a form of psycological abuse to control you. Like others have said he will be nice to you now and again, he might even cry if you threaten to leave but you know its not real.

Either that or its an obsessive disorder.

You sound nice, lemonade. Please, dump him.

lemonade sounds lovely, that is for sure

He says " I have to bollock you like this because you are not sorry enough " ?? !!

Fuck me

Have I just read that he's been unfaithful aswell ?? !!

Sorry but presumably you have a front door ?

Either go through it yourself , bolt it on the inside next time he's out and call the police and tell them you're in danger from him (you are IMO)- trust me they wont make you let him in like in the bad old days, or show it to him if you are sure he wont get violent - but remember control freaks are at their most dangerous when put in a nothing to lose situation !!

I've been lurking on this thread but every time I tried to post it seemed to come out way too personal - my DH's ex was like this, but much more violent. She has OCD. She made his life hell - being aggressive and blaming it on him was her way of avoiding having to deal with her problems.

But for whatever reason, the constant criticism will wear you down and your kids will think that is ok. DH was a nervous wreck when we brought our newborn DS home from the hospital - he'd been belittled and undermined so often he had no confidence left.

(SwallowedaFly, I have got really, really good at all sorts of electrical, plumbing, carpentry and painting work home repair in general, power tools don't faze me at all as a result of the horrible scenes exH used to create)

Yes, Madmn52, there's no way to demonstrate enough sorryness though. It's like trying to fill a black hole. There's no OCD here.

Too true.

lemonade i feel for you i really do your H sounds like a turd of the stinkiest variety sadly and that kind of a turd cannot be shined/improved unfortunately

my dad is like this. my mum cant do right for doing wrong and he sits on his throne recliner constantly tearing at her self esteem he sits and watches programmes with beautiful women on and comments on what he would like to do with the women and why does she (mum) not doll herself up for him whilst tearing a strip off her/accusing her of being unfaithful if she wears revealing clothes (low cut top or skirt above the knee) or make up the house is never tidy enough and his dinner is never exactly what he wanted. he even went as far as throwing his dinner (served to him by mum in his chair on a tray) across the room because she hadnt put the salt on the tray and he would have to get off his lazy arse and get it himself

my mum makes excuses for him but he will never change and she wont leave him. my sister and i and our brothers have an agreement to help mum if she ever does decide to leave him and we will be the listening ear for when he does anything particularly vile - locking her out in the rain for spilling his tea on the coaster and not immediately wiping it up being the most recent incident she has been married to him for 30 years and is now so ground down that she doesnt even notice if he is being awful to her until there is an incident

or maybe she does as she is VERY harsh on DH if we have any sort of issue...

panda, my mum trumps your mum

she has been in a marriage like this for 44 years !

Thank you for all your posts. Just want to let you know he has gone. He did not go easily though but don't want to say too much on here. I feel relieved more than anything. An awful lot more went on than I posted on this thread as I was too embarrassed to admit how much I have put up with. Thank you all so much my head finally feels clear after eight years.

Good!

Do take care of yourself.

If possible do post again if only to say "still okay" or "still recovering".

Good luck!

well done lemonade. You won't look back.

Adults don't tell each other off.

Wow, you don't hang about! What a relief to read he is gone. I am so pleased for you. I know it won't take away the hurt or destruction, but you can finally start to live your life YOUR way. Not his or the highway.

Brilliant news x