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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being "Told Off" for things.

129 replies

Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:44

Let me give you a few examples.

H, comes in this morning. Kids bedroom window lock is unlatched as I was out on roof terrace hanging out washing. I needed to go back out so left latch off. Before I could go out he rang me and asked me to pick him up, rushed off to do that and forgot that the window was left unlatched. He came back and went mad, as soon as he pointed it out to me I said "Ok hold my hands up, should have remembered that", he continued to bollock me, in effect telling me off. I didnt apologise again just allowed him to rant and swear at me, then got annoyed myself and started shouting back at him. He says he has to bollock me like this because I "am not sorry enough". He wants me to show how sorry I am and tell him what steps I will take to ensure this does not happen again.

This is an ongoing thing with us. There was a bucket of water in the kitchen with Flash in it ready to mop the floor. He did a big gasp when he saw it and with big exaggerated movements went and tipped it away, muttering under his breath and going on about how dd nearly stepped into it, she didn't she was no-where near it.

He says that because I didn't ensure the window was latched, our kids our in danger and anyone could look in and see them in there and I don't care about them because I don't look after them, he says he can't trust me safely with his kids.

This is exactly as it happened and it happens A LOT, usually about "health and Safety issues" for example if the bathroom floor gets wet when I am bathing kids I am expected to immediately mop it up with mop or bath towel or he goes off on one. He says I react like a stroppy teenager when he "has to bollock me" and he is probably right. I am so fucking sick of being bollocked by him, surely as a self governing adult it is up to me to decide exactly how sorry I am for minor infractions such as this and take the necessary steps to avoid it happening again. I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought. He is gone now but I still feel angry and shaky. Am I in the wrong here and just can't see it?

OP posts:
colditz · 15/09/2010 14:46

you're not in the wrong and he does not get to dictate the level of health and Safety in your house.

His neuroses are more likely to damage your children than stepping in a bucket of flash, ffs. Does he want his children to grow up frightened of everything?

AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 14:50

I don't think you are in the wrong

I can see with the bedroom window thing (if there was a danger that dc could wander out onto the roof) that I might react with anger initially (in a "just think what might have happened" kind of way)

I might yell for a bit, but acknowledge that it was a mistake and that the other parent of my children would feel bad enough without me haranguing them

but pressing and pressing your buttons so you both lose your temper is out of order

the other stuff sounds ridiculous, and very controlling

why is he so obsessed with H+S stuff ?

he doesn't pad up the hinges of doors does he ? (similar thread recently...)

his bullying of you amounts to verbal abuse and you should not tolerate it

if there are jobs he feels you do inadequately, perhaps you could hand over all the responsibilty for them to him...see how that suits him

Hassled · 15/09/2010 14:51

He's a wanker and this isn't normal and no, you're not in the wrong. Is there anything nice about him?

mumblechum · 15/09/2010 14:51

Sounds like he has anxiety issues and is passing them on to you.

quiddity · 15/09/2010 14:54

No, you're not in the wrong at all.
"I feel that he wants to control my every reaction and thought"
That's very worrying.
Please have a look at
this thread and check some of the links on it to see if anything strikes you as familiar from your own situation.

ShirleyKnot · 15/09/2010 14:56

He's a cock.

Ask him to fill out a risk assesment and method statement so that you can ensure you're following his commands, and then roll them up tightly and shove them up his harris.

My step-grandfather was like this and by the end of his life he was such a controlling, boring, freakhead that no one cried at his funeral. Shock

He used to measure (by weight) how much dust had accumulated in the hoover bag to prove whether my nana had done the hoovering!

Anyway, he's bullying you.

Original poster
Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:57

Hi, thanks for your replies. With the bedroom window thing, it is a massively heavy sash window and would be totally impossible for my kids to lift it up, I can barely do it myself! His concerns are people breaking in and taking the kids!

Thanks for reassuring me that it is not me as he is always ranting at me for not "behaving like an adult" etc and accepting his "constructive criticism" without arguing back.

"Is there anything nice about him?" Not much.

OP posts:
Butterbur · 15/09/2010 14:57

If he has a problem with something you have done, he should speak to you like an adult about it.

DH and I have had endless rows about this. He speaks to me like a dog sometimes, or a particularly stupid serf. I used to get upset about it, but he seemed to like that. Now I shout back, and he doesn't like it, so he is more careful about his tone.

Original poster
Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:58

Have seen that thread quiddity but not looked in depth will take a look now.

OP posts:
colditz · 15/09/2010 14:59

next time he starts ranting, say, quietly but firmly

"You will not speak to me like that."

The end. Walk off if he doesn't stop it.

Original poster
Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 14:59

So the general consensus is that in a couple involving two adults of equal standing it is not the job of one to pull the other one up and give them a good old bollocking every couple of days? I thought so.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 15:02

good god, no

not unless you are a controlling twat of the highest order

btw...is it common round your area for children to get stolen from inside houses ? No ? Thought not...

MrsTayto · 15/09/2010 15:15

I would absolutely stop apologising full stop. You will NEVER be able to be sorry enough for him.

He sounds horribly controlling. You are two adults in a partnership, he is not your parent and you are not his child. Though to be honest he sounds like a stroppy teenager, whinging on about something, unable to let it drop.

I agree that his attitude is far more troublesome longterm for the children.

And is he perfect? Has he ever made a mistake? Is he infallible - in which case the Pope's on his way, they should meet!

colditz's advice is very good

In terms of the health and safety of his children, how is treating their mother like crap going to help her and their mental health, and is a frazzled mother walking on eggshells more or less likely to make mistakes that endanger the children? - throw that back at him.

He sounds like a pest. I'm glad I'm not married to him.

Original poster
Lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 15:17

I once said to him "our children have never had an accident or been seriously hurt while supervised by me" and he said "see how complacent you are". My complacency will apparently lead to something awful happening.

This is controlling isn't it?

OP posts:
witlesssarah · 15/09/2010 15:19

If 'he' is your partner or husband leave him now. I had an ex like this, acted as if he was the adult or the boss. He isn't and he is being abusive.

ShirleyKnot · 15/09/2010 15:20

He sounds horrible!

Shouldn't you saying something like "our children have never had an accident or been seriously hurt while supervised by me" result in someone who loves you saying "I know darling, you're a brilliant mum" ?

quiddity · 15/09/2010 15:20

Lemonade, This might be a good place to start reading.

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 15:26

Well thats true ShirleyKnot. I don't think I have ever had a single word of praise from him to my face in all the time we have been together. I have heard the odd "Lemonade is a great Mum" said to his family but never, ever to me, just constant criticism. I told him this. He thinks it is pathetic to need praise though, will make me arrogant apparently if he does praise me.

Thanks for your replies. Its been over for a long time really, just got to give the final push. And I am not doing it purely because of this thread. I have posted about him many times before under various name changes. He just has a way of getting under my skin. Think I must have low self esteem or something because I always think "What if he is right?" even about the most ridiculous things.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 15:27

We went out for dinner with his Mum yesterday and he was so, so nice, passing me cutlery putting pieces of the shared pizza on my plate. Never like this when he is on his own with me so I sort of think the praising me to other people is a bit like that.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 15/09/2010 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ShirleyKnot · 15/09/2010 15:37

oh poor you, it's so sad to read that you are grateful because your husband (who is supposed to love, support and care for BTW) was nice to you because he PASSED YOU CUTLERY and PUT SOME PIZZA ON YOUR PLATE.

Read that back.

Go on read that back and imagine your daughter, or son, coming to you in 20 years time and saying the same thing about the person they live with.

It's NOT normal, it's NOT right and you don't have to put up with it. Fuck him if he can't say a nice word to you, how mental is that?

Original poster
lemonadedibdab · 15/09/2010 15:55

That just made me cry. You are so right. This is what his Mum is like, grateful for the smallest thing and I swore that would never be me but it is though maybe to not such an extent. That is scary, that I didn't even realise that I feel that way.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 15:58

ah, the penny drops that this is just the tip of the iceberg really

of course it is...no decent person acts like this towards anyone, never mind the mother of their children unless they have some very glaring problems

either of a mental health nature (severe anxiety, health fixation, anger management etc) or they are a horrible person who is nasty (in secret) to their so-called loved ones because they can and because they get something out of it

how long do you think it will take until he starts on the children ? Or is he there already ?

perfumedlife · 15/09/2010 15:58

The cutlery thing is how they work. Drip, drip, drip. I will be nice to you (in front of an audience) in little bite size pieces and then, when i am a monster, you will be confused and think, but he can be so nice and caring, if i just hang on the nice side will come back.

It won't. It's all false.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 15:58

no

it won't

the longer you hang on, the worse it will get