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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

152 replies

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:31

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

OP posts:

Shaz10 · 10/09/2010 20:35

My other woman was single. She knew he was married and had a small baby, and went for him anyway. I am so upset with my husband for pursuing her, but she liked him for years (all that time he was married to me) and did all she could to attract his attention.

I hate her and would laugh if she died. I really would.

sorrento56 · 10/09/2010 20:35

Both bad.

I have tried to answer your OP 3 times now but just can't get the words out of my head and onto the screen .

AMumInScotland · 10/09/2010 20:35

I'd say he takes most of the blame, as it is him who is breaking his vows. But she ought to know better as well.

whomovedmychocolate · 10/09/2010 20:36

Okay my personal prejudice on this subject is as follows (take married to read in long term relationship):

The worst thing is to be married and have an affair with a married man - that's killing two partner's trust for ever.

Next comes a married man or woman who has an affair with a single person.

Next comes single man or woman who has affair with a married person.

And the reason I think it comes in that order is generally, women who sleep with married men, really want to believe the marriage is over etc.

Or sometimes they don't even really know that they are married.

TheCrackFox · 10/09/2010 20:38

Well the blame does lie completely with the man - it is his vows after all. However, I do think less of a woman that goes out with a married man, it just strikes me as an unpleasant thing to do.

CrispyTheCrisp · 10/09/2010 20:38

The married person (needn't be a man)

greentriangle · 10/09/2010 20:39

Personally, I think my DH and his OW deserve 50% of the blame each. In this case, she definately knew he was married and had a 3yo and a 1yo.

I would take the OW's share of the blame down if she is young and relatively naive. In my case, however, DH's OW has a little DS (she divorced her DH prior to meeting my DH) - I thought it was really lacking in humanity of her - she had been through a divorce with a young child involved and yet she still had an affair with my husband, knowing that I was at home with a baby and a toddler.

Anyway, all over now and DH is here to stay. He made a really stupid mistake and I wish that the OW could have pointed it out to him instead of taking him to bed. She know what affairs/divorce are like with little kids. Obviously my DH is selfish and arrogant and should not have been so stupid - but it is sad that someone who has suffered so much is willing to make someone else and their kids suffer in the same way. At least my DH was ignorant and had not thought of the consequences.

ChasingSquirrels · 10/09/2010 20:40

" Next comes a married man or woman who has an affair with a single person.

Next comes single man or woman who has affair with a married person. "

Isn't this just the same thing??

I think, solely with the married partner, their vows.

Original poster

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:40

Shaz, I am sorry you have been through this thank you for replying.

For the record I did not pursue him - in fact I nearly died from shock

Sorrento, both bad covers it!

WMMC, I think I agree with that scale myself, although they are all bad I do think there is a scale to it - except where the woman was the genuinly the instigator!

OP posts:

suzikettles · 10/09/2010 20:42

The blame lies with the man, but I'd have no respect for a woman who started a relationship with someone she knew had a partner (whether married or not).

DuelingFanjo · 10/09/2010 20:42

If the songle person knows the other one isn;t single then they share equal blame.

I left my Ex after I met someone new, who I am now married to, and we (me and my now DH, reader I married him) both are responsible for what happened between us.

Original poster

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:43

CS, I think WMMC meant the married person is worse than the single person IYSWIM.

Yes, married person as opposed to married man, I fell into that simply because it was a man who propositioned me!

Greentriangle, I am glad you have managed to work things out

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 10/09/2010 20:43

I disagree about the instigator thing - men do not have affairs unless they are interested in doing so. Now that doesn't mean the wife in the relationship is doing something wrong, it can mean for example that he's just a feckless twat .

Chasingsquirrels - that's right but I think that I was trying to imply the instigation factor - ie if a married man/woman goes of with a single person versus a single person who pursues a married person.

But I don't think it's that clearcut because there has to be willingness on each side.

Original poster

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:48

Yes, I was just trying to work out what I meant by the instigator thing! I was thinking about cases where the singleton has knowingly pursued a married person in full knowledge and kept pushing at it rather than being the one who was propositioned by the married person...

OP posts:

fuschiagroan · 10/09/2010 20:49

I think in general the married person takes the most blame, but it also depends on the personalities involved in every situation. If one person is older/more experienced and going after a younger/naive person, the older person has a bit more responsibility. Younger women are a lot easier to trick with bullshit, and often they don't understand what it's like to be in a very long term relationship, have children with someone etc.

whomovedmychocolate · 10/09/2010 20:52

To be completely honest before I had children I could not in any way relate to people that had them nor understand why their marriages mattered more than mine. So I can understand why people who've not been there, don't think it through. :(

Original poster

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:57

Thanks everyone! It is interesting (in a slightly macarbe way).

So, the response I got from the people I know (except my mother ) was that the fault would be with him and that I would be blameless if I went ahead as I do not know his wife (his dc are adult/late teens). TBH I found that attitude more shocking than the opportunity arising in the first place! (interestingly one of these friends has been through a marraige break-up due to an affair)

OP posts:

panicandanxiety · 10/09/2010 20:58

The blame lies with the married person

but, I do think OW or OM (who are aware the person is married) are lacking in morals/empathy or understanding - but crucially probably not as lacking as the married person

fuschiagroan · 10/09/2010 21:00

I cannot imagine continually lying to someone you share your life with and spend so much time around. I mean, what's the point? I would rather leave. I genuinely think I could never do it.

Whereas it is easier to ignore the existence of someone you have never met and you, in terms of your life, doesn't exist in as much reality as people you actually know.

ChasingSquirrels · 10/09/2010 21:15

ah yes, I see what you mean.

perfumedlife · 10/09/2010 21:27

I truely, honeslty believe the ow is not the problem. If a man is going to cheat, if she says no, another woman will. There are always others waiting to jump in should the man appear up for it.

My gran used to say " If there were no bad women, there would be no bad men"

I always got mad at her saying that, as if it was all womens fault that men cheated. We cant tar the male race with the stupid stick and say they know not what they do. But now i think she means, if its not that woman, it'll be another woman.

I agree.

macdoodle · 10/09/2010 21:35

Ah well, its the mans fault of course, but a woman who shags/chases a married man is nasty skanky whore! and deserves all she gets !!

2gorgeousboys · 10/09/2010 21:38

When I met DH he was married and had a 4 year old DS, the were both unhappy in the marriage but from the first time it became apparent we were more than colleagues I told him I was not going to be the OW. 3 days later he left his wife and we got together a couple of days later. 12 years on I know that the exw had cheated on him and they were only together so that their DS could have a christmas with 2 parents for the last time (and the first he would probably remember). At the time I only knew I was not going to get myself into an OW situation, although strangeky enough the exw still sees me as the ow because DH left her before the agreed date he would move out - think she thought she could treat him badly and he would stay when actually he woke up!

Original poster

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 21:38

To the point macdoodle
TBH though that is much more the response I was expecting from my friends! It is certainly how I would feel about myself to a greater or lesser degree!

OP posts:

2gorgeousboys · 10/09/2010 21:39

Sorry just realised my punctuation above is awful and it has appeared as a rant

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