What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

[BellasFormerFriend]

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

blueshoes- i can relate to what you say above.

All- please note that no one is suggesting that those who break-up with a cheating spouse are at fault and should stay with their DP...just saying the spouse who walks out instead of cheating is not necessarily being any better towards his/her family....I find the generalisations difficult to make

In my opinion, the blame lies 100% with the person who vowed to love you and respect you for the rest of his life...
i.e., the husband.

However, we are all humans. I wouldn't blame the OW, but I would probably hate her with my whole heart, and wish karma came back to bite her in the ass.

Fuscia, you might leave your husband if his affairs were eroding your sense of self. I appreciate you've had a terrible time throughout your childhood, but it's no better as a child watching your mother be so unhappy.

I divorced my ex husband over affairs. I didn't see that I had any choice. I've thought many times about whether I should have ignored it, but it was destroying me.

It's not inevitable that children go through the same experience that you did; mine have been fine.

From Fuschia :But would it really be any easier if your husband just finished with you because he didn't like you, rather than have an affair then leave. At least in the latter situation he is leaving for something, whereas in the former it's just because he dislikes you so much..

I really agree with you on this

I think there are two angles to this

Those with children
Those without

For those with children the other woman/man is seen as a person who has directly threatened the well being of the children. The other woman/man doesn't see the tears, the anguish over parents parting. By the time the other woman meets the children they will have moved on. This is why the wife/husband wants to seek reparation. Not because of bitterness or because they've lost in love. It's because some stranger hooked up with the children's father and tore the life of the marriage asunder.

That's what I think of the other woman/man.

Agreed. Most of the anger at my H and the OW is because of the damage they caused the dcs (and she was married with one herself - I'm angry on her behalf, too).

For instance - She spent hours on the phone to H while supposedly looking after her daughter (he said she'd angrily break off to tell her to make her own lunch if her dc said she was hungry - this is just turned 8yo, btw). And she had met and bought presents for my dcs. Even told H to 'give dc X a kiss from me' on his first day at school. Creepy bitch.

To add - plenty of things I am angry at him about, but this thread is about the OW! (Just in case anyone thought I was making excuses or shifting blame to her)

Agreed Abedelia, most of my anger is because of the damage they both did to the DCs (the ramifications of which are still being felt by DS2 to this day . And the vile texts she sent me (it was like I was the OW!).

I think celticfairy has hit the nail on the head.

I know that men tell their mistresses all sorts of things to justify affairs, and the mistress chooses to believe those things. But whether or not those things are true, children are always the innocent victims and would almost never chose to see their parents split up. I know that isn't always true - abusive marriages are very different - but we are talking about marriages that fall apart because one spouse chooses to commit adultery. And that choice is a choice made freely and in the knowledge that it will hurt other people. The other spouse, and particularly the children, are left to suffer - I know that I would be happily married still if my husband hadn't cheated on me then left me for the OW, and that my children would far far far prefer that we were still together rather than their father justifying his behaviour to them by saying he loves the OW instead of me.

And watching my two suffer the way they have been doing, and struggle to understand why two people they loved and trusted have let them down, breaks my heart. The OW in my case claimed (in fact is currently claiming) to love my children. She has no idea what loving a child means. And that is why I will never ever forgive her for what she has done. I know my husband is at least as guilty, but I have to forge a relationship with him for their sake because he is still their father. But she, as far as I am concerned, is totally beyond the pale.

I would say they take equal blame, but that said I still love my DH (who left for the OW) and she means nothing to me! I despise her and wouldnt p**s on her if she was on fire. And I also hope Karma does find her one day. As you can tell it is very raw for me and I do hope one day these feelings subside.

You see Stillcrying, they are probably still justifying it to themselves together, her saying she loves the DC and therefore everything will be just fine and that they will cope. My 4yr old DS used to hang onto his father's leg as his father was leaving after a visit saying "please stay forever daddy" . It was a bloody awful time for us, as I say the 10yr old still has hugh anxiety issues surrounding his father, follows him around everywhere. Their father has apologised to them for what he did and has "atoned" (for the want of a better word) but I still struggle with feelings of hatred towards the OW (have yet to meet/see her) for what they both put my DC through and conspiring together to get the DC round her place when I knew nothing about what was going on . In fact all of that time was bloody awful, nothing they did was in any way redeeming IYSWIM.

"Fuscia, you might leave your husband if his affairs were eroding your sense of self."

Golden rule of life - never rely on someone else for your sense of self. I would know that I could divorce him if I wanted to, but I'd be choosing not to, because to my mind the pros of staying would outweigh the cons. Unless I got a proposal of marriage from Matthew Goode, and then I'd be so gone. [joke]

Honestly, if we were compatible in all other ways I wouldn't see him having a few flings as a dealbreaker.

Onus on the married person to stick to their vows. I would not stay in a marriage with multiple affairs (might forgive one dalliance but definitely no more).

That said, I think single women who pursue married men with children while knowing they are married are the pitts to.

Do you have children Fuschia?

I think it depends who made the first move initially!

OW sought out my exh knowing full well he was married! (She knew him before he met me and tracked him down again). They began a 'friendship'?? behind my back . I think she knew EXACTLY what she was doing so I would put the blame COMPLETELY on her but my exh is not blameless.

He was spineless and easily influenced and left me at my worst (post natal depression) - the perfect excuse to make me out to be the bad moaning old wife, and by all accounts she was his shoulder to cry on! What could be more tempting than having a sympathetic understanding woman to confide in at a time things weren't perfect at home.

Her partner was a gambler, so she got her claws into my exh, convinced him to leave me and waited to make sure he did, kicked her partner out and moved my exh in!

She not only ruined my children's lives but her own childrens!

Funny thing is, he communicated with me many a time behind her back and when I told her she was in complete denial - obviously thought she was so special that he wouldn't do the same to her?!! pmsl I think I could have had him back at that point but once a cheat always a cheat I say!

I am of the opinion that very few men can resist the charms of another woman, when offered anything they don't get at home on a plate they would not refuse! Only a real man would stop and say NO!

I totally agree with the statement earlier about 'if there weren't bad women, there wouldn't be bad men!' - how else could they cheat if those women with no morals weren't out there to begin with!

My piece of satisfaction though will be when she has to face questions from my children of how they got together! Bet she has a whole book of scenarios prepared to save face! - and that's the time I'll have my say because till then I'll have kept quiet!

I think it depends on the situation. Some OW's are lied to as much as the wife is. Example: SIL got involved with a man - was with him for about a year. We all had reservations about him. Something just seemed 'off'. Turned out he lived with someone and her two kids (he wasn't the father but that's irrelevant as he's lived with them for 5 years) SIL had no idea and it was a massive shock when her boyfriend's partner turned up on her doorstep one day.

DP's aunt on the other hand deliberately went for a married man. Now I do think the bloke is a twat and it seems like his now ex-wife is better off without him. But DP's aunt loves to talk about times they had sex in his marital bed, or the time he invited her to his wife's birthday party. She smirks every time she mentions twat's ex. She honestly doesn't give a shit that she took a married man. SO sometimes the OW deserves almost as much blame as the husband.

FWIW she is now stuck with twat because she was stupid enough to have two kids with him. His ex always refused to have children with him. She said she didn't want kids at all. Funny that she's now remarried with two children.

if she knows he is married then i feel sorry for her as she clearly has such little self esteem that she is willing to be a play thing. to be secoind best and to simply be used.

if she has persued him and is only after the thrill of having what is not her own then i hope the wife finds her and kicks in the fanjo.

but mostly i think the blame lays at the feet of the married person in every affair.

I'm sorry to say that I was once the OW - he was in a long term, long distance relationship (no kids, though) and made a real play for me, with roses, romantic walks, the lot.

I was young and very naive, fell in love with him, believed that things were not going well with his partner and that he was going to leave her for me. What an idiot I was. I was utterly heartbroken when I realised that he was leading me on.

I don't envy the OW in my case. Everyone knows what she did, XH's family don't really want to know her, and her integrity is shot to pieces. While the blame has to rest with XH, she had met me and the (v small) dc's, so was fully aware what she was doing. She had previous too, as, it emerged, did he.

They are a match made in heaven.

Sorry Fuschia I see you have said downthread that you don't have DCs and in any case, the penny has now dropped about who you are.

In which case, you will have seen me say before (as no doubt, has Gingerwig) that many people (and DCs) feel very differently if a relationship breaks down because of infidelity. It skews everything. If the unfaithful partner leaves for the OW/OM, many children feel that their parent has chosen their lover over them and that feeling never quite goes away, often blighting their future relationships.

It can go both ways for the betrayed party. Some feel worse if there is infidelity involved, especially if prior to their partner's affair, the relationship had been good.

If however the infidelity was just a symptom of a bad relationship in which neither party had been invested for a long time, it is perhaps easier to deal with, once the feelings of hurt pride have gone.

And for some people, learning that the real reason their spouse has departed (the ones who've had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you, but there is no-one else.." speech) was because of an affair, it can help to know that they haven't suddenly become unloveable or unattractive. Their partner is just being a selfish, common or garden adulterer.

Overall though, the main reasons why infidelity is always worse to deal with is because it involves deceit and a period before discovery, when all was not as it seemed. Whereas if a departing spouse is leaving because of a gradual erosion and loss of feelings, there are clearer signs and usually joint efforts to bring the feelings back, especially in relationships with children. Few people left in these circumstances are shocked when the dissatisfied spouse leaves - they could see it coming and knew that their spouse's feelings had changed.

Excellent post as usual WWIFN. Still trying to understand why DH left for OW when our relationship was very good. If I was the OW I think I would be worried, because if he can leave a good relationship, she will always have this at the back of her mind.

So how many people on here were left and how many kicked Hs out?

I feel like I was left. Left with no choice but to kick him out. I could have forgiven but decided to cut my losses.

I was left. And starlight - she did make promises. Not overtly, but she came to my house, pretended to be my friend, and wormed her way into my children's affections. I consider that a promise of sorts.