What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

[BellasFormerFriend]

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

Following on from what Flora said, I do think that younger women more easily believe all the crap men spin them about inattentive wives. Plus, and this is a generalisation, I think some young women 'look down' on older women because they don't understand how hard it is having children and what it's like to be in a relationship for years and years.

They hear married women saying 'Oh I'm too tired for sex, we haven't done in 6 months' and think oh my GOD I would never do that etc. (slightly as I still have some - probably - unrealistic expectations about how I will always make a big big effort to keep passion in relationships, despite kids etc. whatever)

Plus, and I'm sure solidgoldbrass will come and back me up here, society does still have this big thing about how men's needs, especially sexual needs, are more like rights and the most important thing in the world. So you are almost told that if a woman doesn't give her husband much sex and then he strays, it is her fault for not providing.

SurreyAmazon Totally agree, but also pity the OW too.
I mean, in most cases, all they can hope for is a bit of sex, at a time that is suitable for the married man, and maybe a few gifts. In return they put their whole life on hold to be permanently available in case married man calls, they get treated like a piece of meat, never enjoy the support of having the man there if they are ill, or upset (most married men imo are after sex, not cuddles and chats) no shared xmases/birthdays/special occasions, no one to hold their hand at weddings/funerals, no one to call up when they're feeling low, no one to lean on in any way shape or form. All they get is sex, to be a fantasy, no recognition, can't be annoyed at being blatantly ignored ever, etc etc.
Most women imo become emotionally attached when they are having a full blown sexual relationship, but the men can compartmentalise, so the women just end up having an empty relationship full of sex, lies, denial and hope.
I pity the OW, but tend to think she gets what she deserves. I only wish the married man got his just deserts more often too. (My friend has been seeing a married man for 10 yrs and this is her life )

Yes, it may take someone new to show you how bad your relationship is ... but that doesn't mean you have to do anything while you're still together.

It's not an ideal world, IMO. It's common sense. Don't be so selfish and make yourself single before you get involved with someone else.

I can't see how finishing with someone can be any harder than trying to conceal an affair and the possible outcome if it is found out.

But would it really be any easier if your husband just finished with you because he didn't like you, rather than have an affair then leave. At least in the latter situation he is leaving for something, whereas in the former it's just because he dislikes you so much...

I think a lot of women who take on the role of being an OW have issues of their own which make them unable to have a 'real' relationship.

I don't know much about OW, although I do have more experience than I'd like with one.

My dp had an affair earlier this year with a work colleague. It turned out that he was the fourth married/attached man she'd been involved with and in fact a wife of one of the previous men had actually had the story published in a magazine as a warning to other unsuspecting wives to watch out for this predatory woman. I'd love to put some identifying information here for you all but I daren't, lol

In no way am I saying my dp was blameless, of course he wasn't.. but she knew which buttons to press to make him receptive to her.

She stalked and harassed us for months after - emailing him lovey dovey shite and guilt tripping him for dumping her, and abusive crap to me, basically telling me it was all my fault, that I was inadequate and a failure as a relationship partner etc. She sent me the condom wrappers (spose I should be grateful there were only 4) the valentine's card she made him, gifts she'd bought him, all kinds of crap...

Prior to this, I didn't have much of an opinion about affairs because I'd never known anyone who'd had one nor experienced one personally but now.. I despise the sort of people who would behave like this, male or female and I seriously doubt whether I could carry on being a friend to someone who was having an affair if that ever happened in future.

Wow akhems - what a weirdo. Sent you the condoms, you say? Bet that well and truly took the shine off her for your DP!

noo, sorry if I misled you fuschia, she sent the wrappers.. sicko indeed.

She kept the wrappers... wow.

Akhems, that sounds awful

I do wonder if there is something in what you say about the OW not being suited to a "normal" relationship.

One of the things I have been thinking is I am not cut out for a usual relationship. I have tred and failed many times and now, after 5y on my own, have realised that I simply do not want to share my life with another adult! It may sound selfish or whatever but i actually really like being single! Of course that does mean I miss out on the sex/physical side.

I suppose one of the attractions of a married person is that you are not required to make any major commitment, they do not need to be a big part of your life but you get to have all the trimmings of a full relationship without all the dirty socks and crappy mood swings etc.

Well.. she claimed they were the wrappers but of course she could have just opened a few up.. I'll never know.. either way that's some kind of fucked up mentality right there!

She comes from quite a troubled family, alcoholic father, heroin addict brother and I think she and her mother had issues with competing for the father's attention or something.. I can't remember all the details now.

She tried to convince my dp that he was bipolar and that she'd give up her job to care for him, when in fact it was the stress of the deception that was messing with his head - all very bizarre.

Bella, I can honestly say that it was the worst, most painful thing I've ever endured.

Maybe you could find someone with a similar outlook Bella, I'm not saying it would be easy but there are lots of couples who don't live together and are very happy with each other - don't know how you'd go about it though.

When I met DP he was married, very unhappily. I was OW for about 2 weeks before he ended the marriage, which had been over a long time. She has moved on and is happier, we are incredibly happy, there were no DCs or I would never have gotten involved.

Affairs are terrible but it's true that sometimes it takes meeting someone else to realise just how unhappy you both are. I don't feel I did anything wrong, she knows about me and is with a new man, everyone is happier now.

Any person who enters into an affair in the knowledge that one or both of the people taking part are married are equally to blame.

Any person who manages to enter into an affair and doesn't realise the other person is married must be pretty slow not to realise quite quickly. Their actions once they suspect then are what decides if they are equally to blame or not.

Akhems, perhaps I could start some kind of "not up for day to day commitment but want one partner for the long term" sort of dating site

Happiest, I think that may be half the problem, from the OW POV how can you tell if your MM is a lying cheating scuzzbag or someone who is being very honest and needs a helping hand to get everyone on the road to something better?

My DP was a wreck from guilt and ended the marriage without any prompting very quickly - that's how I knew. He's also a terrible liar. If he had been happy to have an extended affair I wouldn't be with him.

99.9% are cheating scumbags.

by very quickly i mean around 10 days.

its his fault

but i have fuck all respect for girls that fuck married men

He takes most of the blame. He's the one who's breaking a lifetime commitment and damaging his children.

The OW hasn't made any commitment to anyone and is guilty either of poor judgement or just nastiness.

The other woman and the married man are equally to blame. I don't understand people who say "But the woman is single, she has no commitments to anyone, so it isn't really her fault" - how DARE any woman think they can upset a marriage like that, and why have so little respect for other women and for herself as to enter a relationship with a married man?! It is morally reprehensible. If the attraction is so strong, and you know it is "right", then wait until the marriage is ended, frankly.
A very close friend of mine hooked up with a married man a couple of years ago, she knew he was married, he said he was going to leave his wife "when his boys had finished school"... She kept seeing him for about a year. I lost so much respect for her, we are barely friends anymore because I just couldn't get my head around the fact she was doing this.
I understand you can't "steal" people who don't want to be taken, but you can still have enough decency to not be the catalyst which can destroy an otherwise save-able marriage.
(Obviously, if the woman does not know the man she is seeing is married, it is a different story.)

I think that the blame could be dished out in various proportions with the married man or woman ususally getting the larger slice. Just occasionally the wronged partner gets a bit of blame but it is usually the married man and then the OW/OM.

I think that I have an unconventional personal approach to this: although I have not had any affairs and I am not planning any; I don't think that I would necessarily want to break up marriage if my wife cheated or if I cheated. Reasons are:

i)The children would absolutely hate it
ii)My marriage/partnership is so much more than sex

Of course sex is a complicating and important factor but I couldn't reduce our relationship just to sex nothwithstanding the fact that sex is such a special and important thing. So if she lapsed then we would have to talk about it and work out what it is that isn't working etc. but I am inclined to say that I instinctively prioritise the children's happiness/needs and feel that I have a responsibility to all of us, the children, DW and myself. So, although I understand the hurt that affairs cause, I think some of the black and white views don't always apply in RL?

happiest how would you feel if one day your hubby says, sorry love I met a girl two weeks ago and it made me realise how unhappy I was living with you, no hard feelings you will find someone else, bye!!!!!

I think that women who sleep with married men have low self esteem, as if they think they are not worth someone`s full attention.

I think they are both equally crap, I would not blame the woman for the man straying though. A man should be able to keep it in his pants if he wants to, he is not a slave to his c*ck, but I know many people see this differently...

If a friend of mine did this, male or female, I would really lose my respect for them.

Fair enough to divorce and start afresh, but to first have a replacement and THEN blame the partner for an unhappy relationship, is LOW and signs of a weak character.

Mummie - he got married very young to someone much older than him for reasons that were not love on either side, I don't want to go into details. They were sleeping in separate rooms (yes I know it sounds like a line but I've met her - know it to be true) for a long time and she was pretty much having an affair with a man she is now with. I knew my DP for a while at a distance before we got together and the change in him, that he's incredibly happy and almost a different person, has been noticed by all of his friends and family. We both said from day 1 neither of us wanted to lie, cheat, deceive anyone and within a very short space of time it was all out in the open.

I am not an OW nor have I ever been. But I am a bit of a life observer - so have seen a wide variety of affairs in a number of contexts.

1. My (ex)H had (several) affairs. I felt/feel nothing about the OW (s). They did not know me. Had made no promises or commitments to me. Yes, conceptually it is a bad thing to do to another (invisible) woman, but for someone who had publicly declared their love and commitment to betray me so coldly and cruelly was much, much worse.

1. I work in a job that involves a lot of working away/project work. By no means all, but a sizeable minority of men working on these types of projects have affairs. They do not claim they do not love their wives, nor do they claim their wives do not have sex with them. In fact, from what I can tell they are committed husbands and fathers, who openly/publicly love their wives and families deeply. They simply have additional casual sex on the side with women who are looking for no more than casual sex (again from what I can see).

A lot of the comments seem here seem to assume the OW want the man permanently/have low self esteem/are young and naive or predatory man eaters - I suspect the reality is far more mundane - it is just available and convenient sex.

Whilst it is not a choice I would make, I do understand why the OW may not feel much one way or the other about the wife. It is a bit like knowing you shouldn't buy super cheap clothes, because more than likely you are perpetuating the abuse/exploitation of a young child/vulnerable person somewhere abroad, but you do it anyway because it is convenient and available.

I hated OW, because it was much easier to concentrate all my negative feelings onto her rather than my husband. I knew I was going to have to establish a different relationship with him, as we have a dd, and I didn't want to hate him. So it just made sense to hate her instead. I knew deep down that it wasn't fair on her, but I never met her (still haven't), never did anything, it was just a useful outlet.

3 years later they are still together, and I've still never met her. Am starting to wonder if perhaps I should now, especially as she spends a little time with dd. Now, more than anything, I think she's welcome to him!!!!

Agree wholeheartedly snowmama that there are lots of OW who don't want a permanent relationship with their married lovers and regard these assignations as guilt-free sexual encounters. The stereotype of the needy, insecure OW who is cheated out of a family of her own by the callous, deceptive married man who has lied to her, is becoming less relevant.

It all depends on your moral standpoint - are you happy to engage in a behaviour that if discovered, would hurt someone else? If the answer to that is "no" then it matters not, what the motives and objectives are for sleeping with an attached person.

In fact, I've got marginally more respect for an OW who admits that she is after some no-strings sex with someone new, than the ones who protest "But I love him..." as though that makes it somehow okay and justifiable to hurt another woman and her family.....