What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

[BellasFormerFriend]

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

I have never understood the argument that a woman who has an affair with a married man is blameless.

If you know someone is married, if you know that having sex with them is going to hurt someone else, and particularly if you know that what you are doing could break up a family with children, then you are doing wrong.

The idea that just because you didn't make the vow means you shouldn't give a flying fuck about the other person baffles me.

Morality is about being a good person and acting in a good way. IMO there is a moral imperative not to get involved in an affair with someone you know is publicly committed elsewhere.

Of course the husband owes his wife fidelity. But I think even complete strangers owe each other more than to wantonly fuck up each other's lives out of selfishness.

both.

at risk of being lynched i've been the other woman. the married man instigated it BUT i could have nipped it in the bud and i didn't - equally guilty imo.

Both equally to blame.

Suntangirl, you are honest. In my case, I nipped it in the bud - he was not married but had a long term girlfriend whom he eventually married. He too instigated it.

I can never see the other woman as blameless. Quite the contrary. Takes 2 hands to clap.

I think the married person is more to blame, but the single person is not far behind in the immorality stakes. If you're not happy in your relationship, fix it or get out.
My XH married his OW. I will always think of her as a husband stealing bitch (even though she is actually ok), but the greater portion of blame definitely lies with him because me and the DC were his family.

Equal blame - they both made the decisions.

In my case - dickhead husband responsible for his own actions

OW - very good family friend an done of my friends.

they are in the process of ruining 4 kids lives and 2 other partners. She was not interested in him till she hit problems with her relationship and as my friend knew we were having a few problems compounded by two very close family tragedies - in for the kill.

Blame and hate them both for the utter devastation they are causing as they apparently build a better future. Just no one sure who it is for besides them.

i dunno. the married person will have things going on which have led to an affair (god i am in no way saying the spouse is to blame btw but there are often things which lead to affairs) the single person prob has less reason to but what do i know

I absolutely agree with what Skidoodly said, particularly:

"Of course the husband owes his wife fidelity. But I think even complete strangers owe each other more than to wantonly fuck up each other's lives out of selfishness."

I hold exactly that view.

twogorgiousboys is a perfect example of the sort of person the ow is a deluded person who puts mm on a pedastool, believes his lies etc and scapegoats the ex wife, I wonder how many affairs he has had on her over the years!! cheats never change, they get smarter!

I cannot see the point of blaming a single person for an affir with a married person.

It is entirely the married person's responsibility, in my opinion, to stick to their vows. The single person owes nobody nowt.

Affair. Affir might be something else.

Cheryl Cole, Coleen Rooney, Abbey Clancey, Toni Terry and all the various other beautiful, seemily lovely ladies that have had profile hubbies/fiance's have affairs on them, I would imagine that Ashley, Wayne, Peter and John would have had a good old moan about how horrible their Mrs's were and there are so many nasty women out there with low self esteems willing to listen to it to boost their self worth and feel justified in damaging sacred families with children in them!

Who is to blame mm and ow, both are selfish and both deserve one another, it is the children I feel for!

the married one. And sometimes the "wronged" partner is to blame too

the "wronged" partner can not be heald responsible for anothers bad behaviour, however the "wronged" one can hold themselves responsible for poor judgement of a life partner! If you are not a happy person get counselling don't scapegoat your oh, if your marriage is not working, try and put energy into that rather than into a bit of skirt, if the marriage is over, end it, stay single for a year, support your kids and then go and meet someone, it is not rocket science!

Both parties are to blame and it matters not whether the OW was single or married herself.
I agree 100% with skidoodly that we all have a duty of care to eachother as human beings. I could not deceive a stranger, knowing that what I was doing was likely to hurt that stranger and her children. I could never let myself off the hook for that, by claiming that I had made no vows or promises to that stranger.

And the "wronged party" is never to blame for infidelity. The 2 people in a marriage share the responsibility for it and have an equal duty to resolve any problems that might exist. But no-one is to blame for the actions of another; that is the unfaithful person's choice entirely. Any notion that their partner "drove them to it" is a complete abdication of responsibility.

Infidelity is a choice made by the people involved in the affair, no-one else is to blame for that choice.

Yes, the "duty of care not to fuck up someone else's life" matters hugely. I am just about prepared to draw a small distinction between the OW who has never met the wife and therefore believes what she is being told by the faithless lying scumbag husband and the one who knows the family she is destroying and still chooses to do it. But I think it is a massive character flaw to think your own happiness matters more than that of others (lots of people in my case). Why should it? How can you be really happy knowing your actions have made others unhappy?

What do I really think of the OW? She disgusts me on every level and I look forward to the moment she has children of her own and realises the enormity of what she has done

I think she is a selfish, conniving bitch. She was a "friend", knew that we have 2 kids - they go to the same school as mine, that I would run into her on a daily basis et al.

I still ( 2 years after the event) take great pleasure in smiling sweetly at her and greeting her like I always did..... just to make her feel worse. It is a fantastic day when I see her looking like she has swollowed a wasp. As time goes by she looks more & more miserable. My life gets better.

It matters not whether the wife/partner is a stranger to the other woman. She could know her well and still believe the lies told by the husband/partner.

I think that both ow and man are to blame equally. In my case ow believed my stbexh that we were separated but living together for the sake of the children and had an 'open' policy and couldn't understand why I was so angry, as no one was 'left holding the baby'. Two children teenagers one under 10 (with high functioning autism). OW seemed to think shagging a married bloke was fine if the children were grown up. My children don't hold this view.

OW trusts him 100%. However I know he's been lying to her. In an email she wrote to him she wanted reassurance that he was totally monogamous to which he replied he was a one woman man. All written before the affair was discovered. Two selfish, heartless bastards.

i think blame lies equally (maybe more the married one's fault as they made a legal vow to be faithful). My experience of the ow is still raw - it has only been 5 months since my husband and her finished, since then she has sent me messages of a vile nature blaming me for my marriage breakdown, accusing me of being crap in bed etc At one point she text me to say that she was watching my wedding video and having a good laugh. she also pointed out she had seen the video of me and my daughter 5 minutes after i had given birth - a precious family moment that is now tarnished a bit. During all of this i have not responded and tried to rise above it. Changed my number 3 times and had to change facebook blocking her completely. The only thing is she knows where i live as my house is on the market but I have heard she has a new boyfriend so maybe she will leave me alone. Some women enter into affairs blissfully ignorant that the man is married; some (like this one) are fully aware (i used to know her) and then decide to add to the devastation by sending cruel and explicit messages to further my pain. Honestly I HATE her!!

I would not want to have a relationship with the sort of low life person who would want a relationship with me KNOWING I WAS MARRIED.

So, IMO they are both as bad as each other.

Okay I'm going to be absolutely flamed here but....

I was once the OW. I was young (21) and I fell for someone hard. He didn't tell me he was in a relationship with someone else. She was also pregnant. I was devastated when I found out as I thought I'd met the 'perfect' man.

I'm ashamed to say I did not end it immediately. We were living in different country from his W and we carried on until he went back to her. We tried to keep in touch but eventually I told him to do what he had to do and be a good husband and father. We did not have contact again.

The experience absolutely wrecked my confidence in men and especially myself - how could I ever do that to another woman, and her child? It took me years to get myself together enough and not feel like a homewrecker. I ended up going a little off the rails, lots of bad behaviour on my part, drugs, drinking etc.

They are still married and had more children. I know that she eventually found out about me. The idea that someone out there hates me makes me feel incredibly sad. But now that I am married with my own family, I can completely understand the devastation I could have caused. I'm glad they worked it through but I still admit that I loved him. But yes, he was a total shit to do that.

notsoyoungnow you were duped. Sad but true. Nothing to be flamed for. You might have taken longer than someone like me would have liked to end it (in a perfect world :) ), but you did in the end. Well done you. And I'm glad you've come out the other side.

If the other person knows that the married person is involved, then I think they are both equally to blame. They both have a choice. The other person should say "I will not be involved whilst you are with someone else". If they choose to anyway, then they are just as much to blame for the affair.

The only time an "Other Person" wouldn't be to blame at all, would be if they were lied to and told the other party was single.

I truly detest the OW who is 50% responsible for wrecking my family and her own. She is married with a 5 year old adopted daughter who has special needs as a result of being born addicted to crack. There is also a possibility that her dd has been sexually abused. I don't want OW to die as I wouldn't be able to watch her suffering any more (she is/was a family friend). The things she did to my children and I are despicable, really sickening so much so that I can't bring myself to repeat some of them, even on here. It transpires that she is actually a very vulnerable person herself - bulimia, depression resulting in hospitalisation, binge drinker, addicted to plastic surgery, body dysmorphia etc etc. She is very inadequate but I can't forgive her for trying to steal my whole life. She's welcome to XP but my children - no way! When she started turning up to collect my youngest from gymnastics the alarm bells started ringing. I wish I could turn this anger and hatred into pity. It's such a massive insult that XP could get involved with someone who is so morally and emotionally bankrupt. She's not even younger than me. She's got better legs but that's about it.

Sorry, got carried away there but nice to get it off my chest occasionally.

how the hell did she get through adoption process with all those issues, scary!

actually, it is not that scary, as the mother of the ow in my situation is a social worker for adoptions, she allowed her 1st hubby to abuse her and her daughter, and then after a three year court battle which she was accused as being a bad mother she then allowed another man to abuse them both, now she decides who is or is not a good mother for adoption!!