Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

152 replies

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:31

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

OP posts:
Shodan · 12/09/2010 15:01

Just exactly what TDaDa said.

Tortington · 12/09/2010 15:01

if it ever happened to me, the blame would lie firmly at dh's door. there would be no-one else to blame.

similarly if i ever had an affair, it would be my fault.

stillcrying · 12/09/2010 15:51

But what about when the OW is bound up with you as a family - sees your children, comes on holiday with you, goes on nights out with you (without your husband)? Does the blame not then also lie with her - she can hardly claim she didn't know he was married?

teahouse · 12/09/2010 16:14

I'd agree that the blame lies with the guy. He started the affair.

The OW probably does bear some small amount of responsibility (if she knew the guy was married), but so too does the wife. It always takes 2 to make (and break) a marriage - my xH had a long term affair with a single woman which started when I was pregnant, and I know he wouldn't have needed to go elsewhere if I had been all he wanted. They have been married for around 8 years and as far as I'm aware he's been faithful to her.

If I just blamed him and her, it would be very easy to get bitter and twisted.

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 16:19

My ex also cheated on me (not a long-term affair) but I know it was because I had been unkind to him and was pushing him away. I don't really blame him, he felt rejected by me and needed some affection. I really was quite mean.

mumbar · 12/09/2010 16:22

In my case ex-p told his one night (hope it was worth it!) stand he had a baby showed her a piccy of DS1 but that he had split and was missing DS very sad about it .... you get the point. Cue other woman dropping her kacs for him, and then dropping him in it by approaching the compare (in my local) asking if she had knew where he lived/ worked. (small resort abroad). My poor friend then discovered his infidelity and had to tell me.

3 days later the above story was true for him Smile

No I don not blame her she didn't know - if she had I would have been angry at her too but still more so at him.

mumbar · 12/09/2010 16:29

fuschia - I don't agree a decent DH would have supported you and found out WHY you were pushing him away.

I say that as my EX-p probably felt that way a bit but he would sleep til noon go to work get home 10pm and expected a quick cuddle, how was your day and sex. I tried to make him understand I needed to feel more valued not like a bucking broncho but obviously that failed. I was working 7.30 - 4 btw way so took DS to nursery at 6.45am got home 4.30 ish and did all housework shopping. I have been through the assigning blame to myself stage so understand it but have come to realise (after 5 years) he refused to be a 'partner' in our relationship and when he didn't get his own way at home he got it out of the home. (thats the shortened version btw!)

TDaDa · 12/09/2010 17:04

It isn't always the case that leaving your family is the honourable and best option. Depending on how the couple conducts their relationship this can be the better or worse option. So some people who walk away from their partner and kids because they aren't feeling fulfilled may or may not be doing what is best for the kids so I am surprised that we think that these generalisations are reliable.

My dad had lots of affairs; he was charming and my mom chose not to leave him but he was mostly a good dad and we would have been devastated as children if he left. It didn't take too long for the older children to work out that he had affairs but we wanted him as a dad even though we didn't really like everything about him. All of his married children are committed to marriage with it's ups and downs. So, I think it is too one-dimensional an argument to say that DP leaving is always best.

happiestblonde · 12/09/2010 17:10

TDaDa I think you have a rather mature, reasonable point of view but I know I could not do it (flame me for being a hypocrite all you like). I wouldn't be able to take the lies - whenever it takes place, presumably you or your DW would have told each other you were somewhere else - and I could never forget the image, the thought of it alone makes me feel sick. I think it's really good that you can have this attitude though.

TDaDa · 12/09/2010 17:21

happiestblonde - I would not be pleased but the pull of my children is huge. Also my DW is a very good person (and I try) so it is not possible for her to wipe that out with one bad deed.

...The last year, I have worked some horrific hours at work at times. So coming in at 6 in the morning and later. At times DW must have thought that I was having an affair. One morning I had a hand print on my trousers which I couldn't explain. The children have to get creamed in the morning so it might have been them except this hand print was bigger than theirs. We found no plausible explanation but we just had to drop it and get on with life...of course I know for sure that I wasn't out with any woman but how could DW be certain.....so she must think that I might have had an affair somewhere along the line (which i haven't) but we are still together.....

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 17:23

Mumbar, he was my boyfriend not my husband, so altogether less serious. However, my shit was not really his problem. I didn't need to be obnoxious to him, it was my choice. And it drove him away, which was my hard cheese.

mumbar · 12/09/2010 17:58

fair enough fuschia, guess mine was different was my BF or DP if you like as we had DS, had talked about marraige, more Dc's etc but money was tight.

3 months after cheating he proposed Hmm I said no as I couldn't trust him. Never thought I'd have the strenghth to deal with it but I've reliased that as it doesn't bother me thats he's marrying again next year, to a lovely girl btw, and I don't think what if with regrets ultimatly it was the best decision. I still loved him for quite a while but hated him for what he did and couldn't trust him.

We, more like I, wanted to rty and patch things up and earn back the trust as the love was still there, I wanted him to take me out, see DS, sort of dating and getting to know each other again. He said I move back in and we start again or we don't. I actually think at the time he was blind to the extent of how he'd hurt me - although he did still love me I believe.

knobbingnowt · 12/09/2010 18:33

I blame the married person.

My close friend is in a relationship with a married man, they have 2 DS together, he is still with his wife but once his older children finish GCSE hes leaving, wife is aware.

My friend is fine with situation and at the moment it works out best for her, she sees more of him than i do of my DH!

Each to their own.

sanfair · 12/09/2010 18:46

A marriage relies on trust between two people and so it is a husband's fault if he cheats.
That said, it is a horrible thing to do to someone else's marriage. If you become the other woman you are doing so in the almost certain knowledge that you are going to cause a lot of hurt to someone else.

Miggsie · 12/09/2010 18:52

Must be a bit grim really, knowing the day your husband leaves is getting closer each day, and the children must know that their parents are together just because of them, and they are the reason their parents stay unhappily together.

The atmosphere must be really crappy.

knobbingnowt · 12/09/2010 19:00

AFAIK the kids have no idea, its a strange situation, mainly financial and for the kids, from what I know the wife is ok with it and both have very separate plans for when the kids finish.

TheCrackFox · 12/09/2010 19:13

A The children will know, they are not idiots.

B Your friend is a fool to think he will leave his wife. He might leave the wife at some point but it will not be for her. Why is she falling for the same tired lies?

knobbingnowt · 12/09/2010 19:16

I said the same thecrackfox we shall see.

TDaDa · 12/09/2010 19:17

Miggsie - there are lots of unhappy couples who are faithful to each other....when I was a child my parents didn't appear any less happy than most others; just ups and downs like any other family.....I think kids could be unhappy with parents who stay together as well as with parents who split......

.....Not sure that dissatisfied partner who tells partner that he/she is leaving fir someone else is necessarily doing this so that the kids can have a more peaceful life?

2rebecca · 12/09/2010 20:08

His responsibility, but I don't get as worked up about infidelity as alot of people.
We aren't suited to years of monogamy to 1 person, hense affairs and people refusing to have sex with their partner because they don't want to any more.

itsatiggerday · 12/09/2010 20:41

I think both.

But tbh I've always thought the OW was profoundly misguided for their own sake too - if the bloke has cheated on their current wife rather than ending the marriage before taking up a new relationship, what possible confidence can the OW have that he won't do exactly the same to her? Surely she has absolute proof that he's not trustworthy.

And I agree with some of above, part of the point of marriage is to make the relationship public and in the CoE service there is a specific question to the congregation whether they will help to support the couple. I think this ought to be reflected by society at large so if OW knows he's married (or ought to know!) then I think she does have a social responsibility to protect and support the marriage, not take a sledgehammer to it.

TDaDa · 12/09/2010 20:45

I think that it was JImmy Goldsmith who famously said something like when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 20:47

We're talking about the OW helping to 'break' the trust in a marriage, but what if she knows he has had many affairs before? In a way, it's already been broken then and he is who he is, especially if he is determined not to end his marriage.

blueshoes · 12/09/2010 21:32

TDaDa, I agree with you about leaving the adulterer is not always the solution.

My parents too made the best of an unhappy marriage - my father had a few affairs. Whilst they weren't the world's best parents, I will always be grateful they stayed together for our sake and did not break up the family.

Miggsie, as for the family atmosphere being crap, so long as the parents are being reasonably civil to each other, or in my father's case, he was out of the house a lot, children don't always notice the love has gone out. My parents were never demonstrative to begin with. When my mother told me, I had no clue.

But emotionally, it was very important for me to grow up in that family unit intact. I also knew my mother (who gave up her career) would be financially vulnerable in a divorce.

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 21:36

I would also not leave my husband over an affair. I still hate the fact that I have to share time with my parents with other people (i.e. stepfamilies) with whom I have precisely nothing in common and, to be quite frank, care for less than people I work with whom I've only known a couple of weeks. It was like living in a flatshare since the age of 9 and I absolutely hated it. I would put up with quite a lot to keep my (as yet hypothetical) kids from going through the same thing, even multiple affairs.