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Original poster

What do we all think about the "other" woman, honestly?

152 replies

BellasFormerFriend · 10/09/2010 20:31

First up, I have not got any intention of being an "other" woman.

However, I have recently had (and not taken) the opportunity. I was surprised by the response I got from other women I know so I thought I would just ask for a few more opinions!

When a married man has an affair with a single woman (who is unknown to the wife) do you feel that it is;

his responsibility and the blame lies with him

do you think that they share equal blame or

do you think that he takes most of the blame and she takes some but not an equal amount?

I know this is an emotional subject for those going through it and I do not want to cause any upset at all, i am just interested in the general response to satisfy my own curiosity!

OP posts:
SurreyAmazon · 11/09/2010 13:42

I am neither the OW, nor am I married so will never have to deal with this. However from what I have observed, OW tend to be devoid of any guilt and so will never feel culpable. They seem to operate on this 'dog eat dog world' mentality and will only be concerned about their own needs (and those of their children) and as long as the man meets them, she will never spend a sleepless night worrying about his wife.

AnneofCleves · 11/09/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EleFunTess · 11/09/2010 13:49

The real betrayal and deceit is committed by the married person, I think. That's not to say a woman/man who conducts an affair with a married person is blameless - it's a despicable thing to do - but the married person is the real cheat.

Butterbur · 11/09/2010 13:52

According to the rational part of me, the adulterous partner is wholly to blame, and the OW, or OM has no responsibility.

OTH I know my animal part would like to kill the OW (if there was one) in the slowest most painful way possible.

GeekOfTheWeek · 11/09/2010 14:00

Completely agree with skidoodly.

Fuckers. All of them.

YeahBut · 11/09/2010 15:27

Only the people in a relationship are responsible for it. I can understand, particularly in a situation where one partner has cheated and the other hopes to salvage the relationship, that it helps to demonise the other man / woman. It's much easier to direct anger at the OW, "If she hadn't gone after him relentlessly, he'd never have strayed," than it is to accept that the relationship must have faltered or that the cheater is, in fact, a twat.

Mummiehunnie · 11/09/2010 17:40

I don't think relationships falter and that makes someone cheat, I often think that the cheater has an underlying issue, scapegoating hubby/wife for their marriage not being as it should be and doing nothing to change it, sometimes though people can't put their finger on what the problem is,still no need to cheat, i think lust has a lot to do with it, lust at beginning of relationship wears off, and the lust comes in again in affair, that is what is missing from the marriage, that and a selfish person who has no real interest in real love that happens after lust, the love and respect love!

Original poster
BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 19:49

So what do we think about the idea that the OW is the one who gets blamed despite owing the married (non-cheating) partner nothing simply because they do not want to feel that the married (cheating) person is "all that" bad. It is easier to blame or partly blame an outsider than to face the fact that your partner is a lying cheating scumbag IYSWIM??

OP posts:
celticfairy101 · 11/09/2010 20:50

Bella
No one is slut blaming. We all acknowledge that the bloke is the one who seeks other relationships, i.e. sex.

Very rarely as in a solidgoldbrass scenario do two people meet in a liaison that is considered wrong by society. I'd personally shake their hand and wish them all the best.

However the vast majority of affairs are conducted by selfish gimme gimme types who think of no one but themselves.

celticfairy101 · 11/09/2010 20:51

that should read

two decent people

Original poster
BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 21:07

Celtic, I didn't say that they were! I would not even want to imply that!

I was asking if people think that a certain amount of that does go on or if it is a valid viewpoint.

I suspect that this is where my friend (who went through this) was coming from, she held no bad feelings to the OW simply because she felt that it was his vow and so his responsibility. I think she was implying that sometimes people find it easier to blame the OW than face the fact that someone they thought they knew and clearly loved is not what they thought. (although that could be the spin I put on her words, of course!)

I was simply exploring the subject further.

OP posts:
Supercherry · 11/09/2010 21:12

As a feminist, I love women, I could never knowingly hurt another woman in that way. I honestly can't understand why a woman would cause another woman such pain.

In terms of blame, the cheating husband should take all the blame from the wife's perspective, what the OW did or didn't do is irrelevant really.

Morally, they are both wrong, obviously, the man more so.

gingerwig · 11/09/2010 21:18

the wronged partner can be a whining controlling demanding sex withholding nutter. I absolutely think they are partly to blame if their partner goes off with another.

Sometimes it takes meeting someone else to jolt someone out of an utterly crap marriage and if you cant see that is true in some cases you are seriously deluded.

Oh, wait, we all have to agree with the party line on this, don't we?

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2010 21:27

Why is it always that if a betrayed spouse dares pass some blame onto the other person, then it must mean they pass the blame purposely so they can ease the blame on their partner?

I don't understand the concept that the other person is blameless either. Since when has it been OK to have affairs with involved/married people and think "f**k anyone else, I'm out for myself and I'm doing nothing wrong". If everyone thought like that, it would be an even more horrible world to live in.

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2010 21:28

And if your partner is a "whining controlling demanding sex withholding nutter", leave them ... then shack up with someone else.

fuschiagroan · 11/09/2010 21:28

No, I agree with gingerwig. I don't see how it can be possible that the wronged partner is ALWAYS entirely blameless. You can't escape from the fact that if you are horrible/controlling/cold to your partner they will probably ditch you for someone else. However I think this happens in a minority of cases.

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2010 21:33

But if you're partner is horrible and you want to cheat ... why not leave first?

gingerwig · 11/09/2010 21:34

choc yes, of course, in an ideal world.

I cannot believe you have never been a witness to a conversation as follows
" Mrs X has left Mr X for the neighbour"

"I don't blame her. He's a total arse. She should have left him years ago"

I have a (male ) friend who TOTALLY accepts some of the blame in his wife's affair. He was an asshole. He got a huge fright, stopped being an asshole, she stopped the affair and they appear to be living happily ever after

gingerwig · 11/09/2010 21:35

also people can be REALLY worn down by horrible partners and not even realise the extent of their horribleness till someone lovely shows them kindness and affection

Original poster
BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 21:36

Gingerwig, no, it is a discussion so not a "party line" thing IMO. It is totally fine to see things differently from each other isn't it?

Chochobnob, I didn't say always - no-one did! I asked if anyone thought that a "certain amount" of it went on or if it was a "valid viewpoint".

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 11/09/2010 21:36

Because it's human nature to get someone else lined up before you jump ship.

Also, on a more serious note, some people don't realise how badly they are treated until they meet someone who treats them nicely.

fuschiagroan · 11/09/2010 21:37

x post

booyhoo · 11/09/2010 21:37

ok, if a married man has an affair with a woman who knows he is married hey are both as bad as each other. if the OW doesn't know he is married then it is totally the man's fault.

Hulababy · 11/09/2010 21:40

Never been affected by this issue ortunately. But my thought is:

they share equal blame

FloraFinching · 11/09/2010 21:45

I think that in most cases the married party should take most of the blame.

A friend of mine was an OW for a while, when we were in our early twenties. She was (and to a degree still is) a naive romantic, and seemed to believe all that "we sleep in separate beds, the marriage is over" crap. Until his wife conceived again.

I am not saying that she should be considered blameless, but this chap was conning her as well as his wife.