Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

yes right

can i ask anyone please? It know you all still love you dhs ,but do you think it is still possible to be IN love with them after an affair? If you were in love with them does that feeling come back?

OD-loving my dh and the years of love we'd had together is what made me stick with it and not send him packing after what he'd done. However i have felt over the last few months that we have fallen in love with each other again. We've had to re-examine our inner most feelings and our relationship on a practical level and as the closeness returned so did the feelings of being in love again.
Now i'm not saying it's there all the time- i still swing wildely from overwhelming love, through sadness to anger at what he did and how could he ever have done it if he truely loved me- but I guess that's all part of the "grieving/healing" process. I do still sometimes wonder if i'll ever truely get over this but in my logical moments and when he's there to reassure me I know things have moved on so much and we are meant to be together. I'm finding it hard at the moment to adjust to our new routine because he's working away mon-thurs. I know he doesn't want to be away from us and we need the money etc but i get angry that after all we've been through here i am again alone with 3 children- it's not what I envisaged in a marriage. I know it will not be forever but it's so much harder to "heal" and feel secure about us when he's not around, just at the end of a phone living in a hotel.
So od to answer your original question- yes you can feel in love again but like every emotion in this senario it's not always there and as yet not completely secure (in my mind).
How do others cope with dh working away?
Especialy those who are trying to recover from an affair?

We're back and Im so sad that the first thing Ive done is come on MN rather than phone my mum

how are you all?
our holiday was great - went abroad so no phone calls from work for DH and just time for us to be a family
did have some down times but feel more able to open up & say what Im thinking. He keeps saying that we cant keep going over it but I will do - just need to drip drip drip rather than have a mamoth questioning session.

not looking forward to Monday - as you all know, DH works with HER and has to stay away at least once a week - and sometimes SHE is staying in the same hotel - that really hurts.

still I have to try to trust him
so far he is still being as affectionate as ever and trusting my gut instinct which was right about the affair, I feel he is being truthful

I just hate the flash backs - I saw a couple kissing on holiday which upset me as I thought hes done that with her....sex sometimes upsets me as I think about them although fortunately after we've made love - think it would spoil the mood in the middle!!

Christmas party season coming up & I jut know that I dont want him going to that - drunken situation is something I dont want him getting into.

gotta go - catch up later

mrs miggins...........i'm glad you had lovely time........ its so much easier to accept (not that it can ever be accepted) when you are away from your home, and being constantly with dh helps hey?......... your not alone......... those horrid bloody mind games are played in my head too. especially when in public, knowing and imagining what they did with someone else......gives me yukky goosebumps and chills!
i feel for you so much...... if my dh worked with HER i would be a headcase....... oops (I already am! ).......seriously I admire you for not screaming at him to get a new job.

my advice will probably sound very petty and shallow re: christmas party. but i reckon you book the hairdresser, you buy the sex goddess dress, you do your makeup. you knock that bitch's socks off. go easy on the drinks but.

i know its hard. And i should be the last person to my advice out but in my opinion why should you feel bad about going. you are a better person then them both. after all they are the ones that f*ed up, not you. xxxxxxxx

MM - glad you had some good time together.
how is dh health?

agree with gravity - if you feel strong enough go with dh to Xmas parties. He needs to show HER that you 2 are still very much together just as he needs to show you.
If that's not possible- given what's happened I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him not to go - just this year!
gravity how's it going?

just a quickie

spouses arent invited to the Xmas do so he would be going alone and staying in a hotel!!

thats why Im unsure

thats it
just not sure even after such a good week that I can deal with this
DH has done nothing different - still attentive and affectionate and reassuring but I feel so sh#t.
My family are causing me problems which isnt helping but last night I was just so upset.
I cant bear the fact that tomorrow it starts all over again. Him at work chatting to HER like nothing has happened.
Whos lost out here? Me
Not them - they still see each other every day
He says he has to be nice to her otherwise she could cause trouble at work which is true but then he could leave.
I think he thinks one indiscresion shouldnt ruin his job prospects.
Fine but im not as strong as I thought.
I cant get it out of my head and now I just feel p#ssed at him.
hes coming home every night this week which is something but the days are so long and I just cant stop myself thinking about them at work.

sorry to moan....prob just feeling low after such a nice holiday

i know exactly sweetheart, everything for the hurt one returns back to the pain that was felt prior to holiday. for the bloody men, they continue their life, no real pain has been caused to them..........other than us making their lives a little rough during our mourning for the relationship we HAD.

personally, i would be asking him to respect my feelings and not go.

i hate work christmas parties like that, i think it is very rude on the companies behalf. i would never do that to my employees.

maturer, hi, just in answer to your question about dhs working away post affairs, mine still does work away sometimes. He tries to less than he did pre affair. I must admit i find it hard as it seems to put things on hold a bit. Also i sometimes think that i put a barrier up to do with any thoughts positive or negative about dh whilst he's away. i think this is because otherwise i can't help but think that this is what it was like when he was seeing her except i didn't know (he met her in hotels whilst working in another city). i don't think the barrier is very helpful as it just adds more emotional distance between us rather than making us closer. But as you say, sometimes needs must. dh has said that he would stop working away because of what he did, but i can't see the point really, i can't lock him in a box forever, if i can't let him go away i can't see the point of being together. i wouldn't say i completely trust him when he's away, more that i really really hope he's telling the truth when he says he'd never do it again.

Hey GB good to hear from you! thankd for that- it's really the same for me. It's not so much a trust issue- after all he was with me living at home and still managed to carry out an affair so being in a hotel is no real difference. Plus as you said- I have to start trusting, he's got to get on with life- if he's going to do it again - and I seriously think not- then he'll do it!
It is more about trying to "heal" when he's not around to reassure me. I also find I spend more time thinking which leads to dwelling on some past events so by the time he's back I'm angry with him all over again! I know it's a survival thing- putting up the barriers to get on without him but I hate the distancing it does- emotionally. I really hate not staring and ending each day with him andI can't get away from thinking this is what it would have been like if he had gone with HER. I know- like so much in all this -time will help. I just feel I'm r-adjusting to a different way of life at the moment. The good thing is- he spots it straight away when he's back- he feels the distance and he won't leave it - he makes me tell him how I feel and no matter how it hurts we talk about it. So in a perverse sort of way we end up being closer. I just hate the mind games- you play on yourself. Mrsmiggins and gravity talked about them too- the things that pop into your head because something triggers a memoery or an image- I hate that. It does get less often (I caneven watch tv and not get upset now when someone is having an affair-well not all the time) but it drives me mad all the same that the ripples from an affair go on and on and on!
There's another thread at the moment where a wife is about to have an affair- I hope she reads this thread. If she truely still loves her dh she will never put him through the pain of an affair!
GB- hope all is generally going well for you- how about that coffee sometime?

hi maturer - sorry for delay in replying.
i'm getting there..... slowly.
dh has became quite non-responsive, since coming back from dad's funeral down south, things have returned to the "we cant move forward if you dont let it"
attitude again.
the time we spent alone-together while down south
wasn't real, i dont think, it just was a very sad time that made us close for that week.
but anyway, at the end of the day I know I am giving this relationship all I have, it will be up to my dh sometime in the future to be able to look at himself in the mirror and say the same.
i'll hang in there with hope though. for a while yet!
i hope you are well and things are good with you. xxxxxxxx

oh granerybeck, you hit the nail on the head.so so true!
a little while back i tried the calling my dh non stop, the going with him where possible etc etc. then i realised if he was going to do it again he would find a way.
its right, if they will.... they will

morning guys
had a bad day yesterday - probably still tired from night flight
just kept thinking back to normality and him going to work
in the end he said he wasnt going to keep trying if I was unresponsive - great - unresponsive to hugs like he was for months on end

I asked him if I could give him a list of questions to answer - he said that wouldnt help him(!) or me....that I was making myself a victim by thinking negative thoughts...that he would answer those questions he wanted to answer. I told him that Im the only one who's lost out by this affair, and he asked me how I had lost out!!

I know everyones right that if hes going to do it again, he will but I just cant help going over things in my head and feeling negative.
I really do think that the fact they work togfether is the thing that eats away at me. The last 2 weeks (his operation and then holiday) have been much more relaxed. We even did some house hunting while wiating for the op as we are still talking of moving.
All positive but at the back of my mind, she keeps popping in....especially as she has accepted a move down there too....although he says he thinks she wont stay long....

oh well must get the children up and spend my day fruitfully with them to try to take my mind off things...

sorry to moan....just really thinking aloud

Hi all- they just don't get it do they? You have to dwell on the past to move to the future, you have to get it all out in the open, all questions answered, face all the demonds- only then can you feel there are no more secrets and you can begin to make sone sense of what just happened!You may never be able to forgive- some things in life are unforgivable- but you have to make some peace with it, come to terms with it and that cannot be done by running away from it. Why can't they see that?
I think my dh does finally see that but he went through the same process- the don't talk about it it just holds us back, I won't answer questions/why should I etc It's denial on their part- they still have not faced up to what they did and the extent of the hurt that caused.
Try making them imagine (with graffic detail) the senario if it was you who'd just had an affair- could they cope with that? Would they be so keen to never talk about it again? Would they not want to ask questions? Of course the answer is no- you have to try and make them see the need for you to address the detail and face this together. It is not a backwards step to keep talking about it- because until you get all the questions answered and he opens up to what was going on inside him YOU cannot move on and "you" as a couple will always be damaged.
I asked him this weekend "do you still love her?" he said "no- I don't hate her but I certainly don't love her" and then I felt the need to ask "did you love her?" he said " I thought I did at the time- but I can see that it wasn't love , not like what we have together-I was flattered and it was exciting but it was nothing to what we have and I nearly threw that away" I know my dh has come a long way but he recognises even now I still need to ask questions and now he knows he has to answer them for both of us.
Time- girls give them time! Try seeing if you can agree a set time in the week to talk about it. We started going out 1 night a week and for the first few weeks that was it- I had to use the time to go over and over what had happened. gradually I felt the need less and now we make sure we still make that time for each other but we use it to enjoy each others company. There must be sone changes- for whatever reason he had an affair you (as a couple) now need to make some healing time just for you.

mrs miggins - think i shall put my dh on a plane and send him to have a beer with your dh..... i'm sure your dh and my dh are at the same chapter in that "how to be a complete wanker" manual
they can compare what wankers they are!!!!
MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maturer, you may just have a gem on your hands. your dh may be a one of a kind????
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

gravity- I thought I had a gem on my hands the moment we met and for the 20 years we had really happy. Then he found that manual and opened it at the "bit on the side/ how to "gobshite" the wife section" and took a degree in it for a year!
So i'll not get too carried away yet- he did spend a year messing me around whilst messing with someone else!
It took a year really for him to totally get it all out of his system and stop all contact with her and focus on what he'd done, me and our pain.
Now I feel I have my gem back. he sends me texts saying eg. "I want to spend the rest of my life putting right the hurt I caused you" and
" thankyou for giving me another chance you will never regret it" etc and such words make my heart melt.
trouble is there is also a tiny voice at the back of my head that says- he said those types of things to you before and still went out and found a bit on the side!- that's the trouble with trust so hard to give so easy to throw away! but time is making me belive him and his actions especially in how he is dealing with my pain.
maybe it will just take that time for your dh's to "get real" completely!

Mrs M - I still say to my dh; 'can i just ask you a few questions', sometimes he does get fed up with it, but if i don't ask him my mind will latch onto wondering about a tiny detail. it does get better though, for quite some time, i had endless questions, but they get fewer the more times you go over things.

Maturer, I too seem to spend more time thinking when dh is away which does lead to dwelling on past events. he's due back tomorrow and by this morning i could feel myself getting angry with him because i had been thinking about things. So i had to force myself to the gym for a swim and a positive relax to get me back on track before he gets home! i still sometimes think i am going mad! Have got to dash to get kids now, but coffee sounds good sometime!

hi guys
its Sunday and despite having a good weekend, I feel sh't....tomorrow DH is nmot coming home and I just hate him being at work....doesnt matter that we hav a good weekend or that we are talking about the future....he is still away tomorrow and maybe SHE si too....I havent asked ytet.....I just hate it.....

Today was actually a breakt hrough for me as I didnt spend everey moment apart thinking "is he using his mobile" BUT I still feel sh#t...
willthat ever fade...

Hello MrsM.

It does fade in a way, as other people have said previous you get to certain time and you think of it but you also realise that you have not thought about it for an hour or so. For me I think about it on the way to work instead of wake up thinking about it - I can sort of shake it off when I start going over it all in my head. The difficulty for you is that they do work together and will continue to see each other unitil one of them leaves.

have you discussed with your dh the possibility of him leaving even if for your sanity. You cant compartmentalise it like he can (and all men).

COuld you arrange a baby sitter and stay away with him one night when he has to stay at the hotel - maybe go shopping in the day and meet him in the evening? I woult turn up there myself to see what is going on just for my own peece of mind but I dont suppose that would be the right thing to do - but I would anyway.

Hello all, how we doing? I'm at my mums this week so not much computer for me as she on snail mail. dh found a job on two month contract which looks likely to be extended atthe end of it, just need to find a house now and we will be sorted.

Kath, Im glad for you I hope things are getting easier for you.

Hi Kath and everyone I am back online and in my new home.

Glad that there is some good news come your way Kath that is brill see said there was better around the corner.

Our new house hasn't taken the problem away though.It is easier that i don't have to see her 4 times a day though.

Tell ya what i must seem really ungreatful sitting in my lovely new house and thinking i would give it all up to of had my husband be faithful and intermate with only me

overdraft know that feeling too would give anything to have life back as it were in one way but in other ways we would never have faced some of the issues that we have had to face up too.
Glad your house is nice and that youhave managed to unpack the most important piece of equipment (the computer)