Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

MM I don't know either how another woman can do this when they know children are involved. I took this woman into our fanily - she was here more than i was in the end.

I just wonder if you've given yourself an ulcer or something with all the worry you've had. You can't go on like this, I worry everytime he goes out in case he sees her so i don't know how i would cope if i knew he went to work with her everyday

that is awful for you having taken her in.
in my situation, we live 90 miles away from HER home town so she has only ever seen photos - I suppose we're not real - a fantasy like Maturer says.

have spoken to DH tonight & told him that I could deal with this if he didnt have to stay away especially knowing she is there.
All I can say is that things ARE different - he is saying things he hasnt said the last few months and my gut feeling is that it is definitely over - he just wants his cake & eat it - i.e. had his fun now wants to carry in his job....
I do feel calmer though having spoken to him and am going to carry on trusting my gut feelings and get out as soon as I feel things seem wrong. I am alsdo going to conCentrate on me for once & sort myself out.

as for him seeing her every day, I feel it must be worse for overdraft living near by....at least I dont have to see HER....

MM i think you are doing brilliantly well, you have to know he works with her, overdraft has to live next door to her, i only have to see her walking up the street and i'm like a raving banchee

I think that one of the things we have to hold on to is that for our dh's these affairs are mostly about a fantasy escape. If it wasn't they would have made plans to leave and make a new life, and on the whole (certainly talking about my dh) the thought hasn't really crossed their minds. I'm not sure how the other woman looks is that relevent in this context, it's more how different they are, as in the pleasures/challenges of the relationship or how they make the guy feel. So I think it really says more about what your dh was feeling he needed or was wanting to escape from at the time. My dh's whole relationship seemed to me to be quite immature in some ways, and very little related to the real world. That was probably because it was part of his mid-life crisis. So I don't think you should be comparing yourself, rather thinking about what it tells you about your dh if you see what I mean. Dh's mistress wass at least 10 years older than me, not amazingly intelligent, of a limited outlook, and in my opinion not very attractive (and this was before they started the affair!) Originally he claimed that she was a replacement mother figure (something I now find a little creepy!) She did have one other thing in her favour which I don't particularly wish to go into, but suffice to say it's not something I have in common with dh! So I've never felt any need to be competitive - especially as I am after all obviously much nicer than she is, after all I'm not an adulterer.

So don't beat yourself up! As for the sex, it is difficult, but over time it does fade.

Nooka and all! you are right- fantays is the word. What's the figure? something like only 2% of affairs go on to a maeaningful sustained relationship-and if he hasn't left within a couple of months he won't (that's assuming you don't kick him out!)
I thinK the kick- the ego boost- the thrill men of a certain age get from the fantasy world of an affair is what makes them forget their wife and family and the "real world"- I also think it is not always a reflection on the state of your relationship- as Nooks was saying - it's a reflection on their mental stae at the time (circumstances, age etc when it happens)When reality hits- as it always does after a while-the fantasy has no substance to it and can't survive in the real world. They had their chance to go- they chose to stay with you- why? because they may be stupid but they are not that stupid "to give up so much for so very little" (my dh words infact when he came to his senses again.

Hi maturer - you are another night bird! I couldn't believe that my dh had made no plans at all - seemed extraordinary to me. But then I am a planner and a very practical and risk averse person. Life is too full of "what if's" for me even to think about fancying someone else let alone embark on the palaver of an affair.

Interesting stats there though. My dh now keeps ringing me up to check if I'm alright. It's weird, he hasn't voluntarily talked to me so much for months! I went to his new place last night and thought to myself this feels like his natural setting, and really I can't wait to leave. Not sure what that says for me, except how much I hate his smoking!

Hope your stomach is OK tonight MrsM. You might want to think about relaxation techniques (I thought very seriously about scream therapy!).

hi guys

havent reached the stage of asking DH if he was thinking of leaving me for her - I get the feeling it was over anyway which is why he was so angry to begin with - angry that he nearly got aweay with it & had decided to return to me and start behaving lovingly and that I SPOILT it by finding out.

I phoned him last night at 10pm but only got the voicemail which meant his phone was switched off. He rang 1st thing & said that the pub has a no-phone policy and by the time hed got back to his room it was gone 11pm.
You know what?
Im fed up with giving him 20 questions and then feeling guilty for asking so Ive decided Im not going to bother. Its making me ill and at the end of the day, if hes telling the truth its OK and if hes lying, well I;ll find out eventually and be betrter off without him.
So going to stop asking

will probably be on here later crying as hes staying away again tonight & no doubt SHE is still down there too.

more worryingly for me at the moment is that what started off as severe stomach pains has turned into feeling sick all day - this is how I feel when Im pregnant! Ive gone off coffee and wine (but that could be the tablets or the alleged gastro-intestinal something or other)
Oh my god
Im off to chemist to buy a test

MrsMiggins hope the test comes out ok.

I try not to question my dh but find I can't help myself. At the moment I need to know everything and will ask him several times just to make sure the story is the same as before.

I'm also still making reference to the affair every day. Only joky comments but still mentioning it. Do you find yourself doing this?

When I've asked my dh what his intentions were regarding the affair, he says I was never meant to find out or to get hurt (I don't think I will every understand that). I don't think he intended to leave me for her but was probably testing to see what his feelings truly were for me. His was a very short term affair as I found out very quickly. They met 1 month before and spent 1 night together. I'm not sure how I'd be feeling for it had gone on for longer.

i still mention the affair every day to and if not the affair i talk about her.Its like i want to keep pointing out what a fool he was to get mixed up with her in the first place. I can see how hurt he is when i do this so maybe i am getting some kind of pleasure from it.I am really trying very hard not to do it though.

we heard her children last night in the garden and i will say things like " oh i can here your step children out there" or if i see a woman that looks like her in the street and looks a state i ask him if he fancies her then and if it is his type of woman now?

I know i have got to stop doing it but i still feel hurt so why shouln't he.

You guys on here make me feel so normal.I only know one person in RL who has been through this and we don't really talk about it.

Overdraft, yes those are the sort of comments I make. Good to hear it's not just me.

Hello again, Ive been catching up with thread, I too make horrible comments but whats worse about me is that I plan in my head what I would do and say to her if I came face to face with her again, which is very unlikely.

We had our last counselling session today and the counsellor said that she could see we were much happier together now!!!!!

My dh did leave me although he maintained it was not for her at the time he kept seeing her and at that time (for approx four weeks) he definetly did NOT want to come home to me, as far as he was concerned our marriage was over and then as if by magic he came to his senses and was sorry and could not beleive that he had put me through this, he says he can not beleive that this happened and he feels that he did not know himself at that time.

He still wont admit that they slept together but there is no way you would get a room in a hotel and not do the business.

MM - I have never heard of a pub where they ban mobile phones - sorry!

I used to want to phone her every minute of the day but that has started to ease of a bit now and I do find that when I think about it all I marvel at the fact that I have not thought about it for a couple of hours which is a definate improvement on recent months.

am pathetic
youre right - banned mobile phones is rubbish.

ended up this evening crying down the phone saying "the one thing I loved more than anything else in the world was you, and gave yourself to someone else" at which point I collapsed in tears & ended the phone call. He tried to ring back but I cancelled the call.

I am just a mug.
I wish I hated him but I dont....

I can deal with them working together - its him staying away AND HER staying in same town.
Thinking of ringing up the hotels to see where she is & then ringing his hotel & asking if they ban mobiles
Answers will probably make me miseralbe but at least Id know.

MM - I am sorry if I am planting the seed of doubt and upsetting you. Is the town your husband is staying in small enough for you to ring the hotels? Have you phoned the hotel your husband is in to see if she is there?

You are not a mug He is!!!

How did you get on with the test????????

disbelief - you havent upset me or said anything I havent laready thought
to vbe honest, I have found great comfort chatting you guys these last few weeks - sometimes you can say things to people that you cant say in RL and its nice to know Im not alone in wanting things to work out

Hi MrsMiggins, sorry you are still having such a hard time of it. I'm not sure how I would have coped knowing that dh was still regularly seeing his mistress. He did talk to her most days on the phone for many months, but as they run a business together I wasn't sure if that was legitimate or not (still made me upset when I saw his bill!). In some ways I thought it was irrelevant, as during that time I was thinking mostly, "shall I throw him out (let him leave) or not?" not "will he leave or not". He had six months to make that choice and didn't. I felt empowered by knowing that I had her telephone number and could ring up her dh and cause trouble if I felt like it, and I told dh that I would (and tell his other business partner which would have resulted in him pulling out of the business). But then she chucked him (doesn't that sound teenagerish!) as soon as she knew I knew. And then he decided that he didn't like her anyway a few months later, when he moaned to me for hours about her.

Interesting theory about the anger tho - this might also be why he is adamant that it's no big deal if the affair had run it's course. I think that you should try to stop torturing yourself, and make your decision on whether you actually like having him around. You have to think, is this for security or because I don't like change, or do I really get something out of this relationship. Is he giving me what I need, is there really light at the end of the tunnel. If so you need to try to let go of the anger and pain, stop checking up on him all the time, try to avoid making catty comments and stick to the truth (ie when I see next door neighbours children it reminds me and makes me very unhappy) because otherwise you are making yourself into the bad person, and I just don't think that is good for anyone. Better to yell and scream at them every once in a while. I am very prone to cattiness myself, and I know that I did this during the period when dh was having his affair, and it really helped justify it all to him (I saw e-mails between them saying "oh she's such a bitch" etc). I do believe that he deserved it, but I should have said "the way you are behaving is making me very unhappy" instead, because then he wouldn't have been able to avoid the fact that he was making me very unhappy. Not sure if that makes sense!

MM how difficult would it be for him to change his job? could it be a reality? Thing is he is a bloke and they are very good at compartmentalising their world. We see it as a huge problem him having contact with her where as he is saying i don't see what the problem is this is work that was affair. Dyswim? Not that this makes it any easier but to see where he's coming from might just put a different perspective on it. If he is acknowledging that its making you feel c**p thats something but if he's not acknowleding it then he needs to be kicked into shape and quick before you crack.

where's everyone gone?

hi i am still here but try to catch up when i can as i am really busy now.Packing never ending.How are all ofyou today?

I'm fine, got a date yet for moving overdraft?

Im still here - crisis at home so no chance to come on computer.
DH has reoccuring problem & so needs to go into hospital on Monday and may be off work for a month. To be honest, that would be good for us as we would get a chance to spend time together.
(I dont mean to sound heartless by saying its a good oportunity for us - the condition isnt life threatening although it is painful for him.)

hope you're all OK....

Hey all- how we all doing?
Mrsmiggins-I often think things like this happen for a reason at the time they happen- perhaps "soneone upstairs'" way of giving you time together. Hope he's ok though- it's always a worry when a loved one has to go to hospital.
At the height of our problems, when i was trying to come to terms with the bomb my dh had dropped on us- i got a call at work to be told he was in intensive care st the hospital near his work! In the end turned out to be a gall stone attack and has now had op and gall bladder removed so all well. At the time they thought he was having a heart attack- stress related. It was awful to experience but certainly woke him up to his humanness and kind of made him getv real about his life again. Shortly after he took himself off to counselling andwe've not looked back since.So MM this may be happening now to "wake him up" and give you some healing time together. Hope you are ok and he's on the mend.

MM - I am sue it would do you both the world of good if your dh is going to be away from work for a month. If its not lie threatening I would be glad, have not got much sympathy for any pain he is in, I bet it comes nowhere near the pain you have experienced these last few months.

How is every one else?

Hi all- hope you all ok.
feeling a bit low today- PMT, dh working away- I can see the danger signs for reliving the bad moments of the last year! So trying to keep busy (with 3 kids and working part time that's easy to do)I know things are moving on in the emotional healing department as a few months ago in the same situation I'd be sitting here crying, full of sadness for the months that had past and the pain dh caused us, but now just feel low and can see frowards again not backwards all the time. Hope that's some hope for those of you who are "new" on the post affair emotional rollercoaster- I can remember the feelings of never thinking I'd have peace of mins again. Time and talking do heal. take care all.

oh maturer hope you feeling a bit better, you could do with out me moaning at you at the min couldn't you. Roller coaster isnt the word for it, but hey maybe it will become less like the traunatizer and a bit more like the mouse run