Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

Hello all

Maturer really sorry you are feeling low at the moment.You are such a godsend to us all.Perhaps you should work for relate.I hope you are feeling a better in the morning.

Kath4kids Haven't spoke to you in a long time.I am not getting this messenger thing am I ?

I have been busy packing boxes still have a long way to go.I am ill at the moment and having lots of dizzy spells.I was wondering how long I could go on for without it affecting my health.Just feel like i have been running on empty since finding out.Still can't belive it almost.

Has anyone else noticed that all the soaps seem to have cheating going on at the moment?

Mrs Miggins hope you are O.K .

Decieved and Disbelief how are you both?

Hi OD, I thought I was doing relatively well util I was watcing Coronation Street tonight - it really upset me...

I keep thinking about if he could ever do it again? Also I keep waking up at night and thinking about it all in great detail going through every episode of every day for what seems like hours.

How are you MM?

Overdraft- please take care of yourself. Everyones feeling ill- Mrsm, K4K and you -it's no coincidence it's stress, slow it all down as much as you can (i know in your situation quite difficult) but your health is the most important thing and you are very vulnerable at the moment.
I'm ok- just PMT really just heightens other feelings at this time of the month! Nowhere near as bad as it used to be and you will all get there eventually- time really helps and giving yourself some space to get things straight in your head. i think the first thing you have to do is try to understand- why it happened- he may not really know that yet but you'll probably find most of it isn't to do with you. Then you have to decide - can you come to terms with it and live with it? That depends a lot on how he's acting now- is he trying to make some ammends?
You will find out lots of things about yourself- it's quite a journey (not one i'd recommend!)
look after yourself though honey .

Maturer - Do you and your DH ever discuss it now?

I think that its so easy for them to put it in the past whilst we have to suffer the pain for such a long time.

Disbelief- when it's happening to you there seems to be reminders everwhere and sometimes you can't keep it hidden. I recall having to dash off to the toilet many a time , near the start- to have a good cry because something had brought it all home to me again.
the going over ot again and agin- you're not mad- it's normal. you are trying to fit the jigsaw pieces together and trying to make sense of it all. The article that (overdraft- i think) referred to a while ago "shattered vows" talked about that. it's like whta anu trauma victim does - you have to tell your tale again and agin in your head to come to terms with it. Believe me eventually you stop needing to do it quite so often and then you reach the - I'm not going there again -stage. It does get easier, but sorry not before it gets harder!

Disbelief- yes we still do discuss it. Not so often. at forst it was constant (me wanting to- hom hating to but knowing he had to) Now he will even raise the subject himself ocassionally.

my dh is acting like the husband i have always craved.He is thinking of me always,rings me during the day,seems to be crazy about me all over again and seems to have grown up.I just have trouble taking it all in t.b.h. Thinking can i belive him,will it last.I am still trying to make a go of it with him and only time will tell.He knows now that how he is behaving at the moment is how i want it to stay forever or it will be over.I hope it will because I still love him.

Disbelief The street was really hard to watch tonight and it upset me too.Do you know i hate mobile phones now too, they make having affairs so much easier.

How long approx? Daft question but this drives me mad - I get angry at myself for allowing my mind to spend so much time on it when it should be put to bed.

OD- good, he should be acting like that. Mine does too now- it took him a while to come to his senses but when he finally did he promised me he'd spend the rest of his days putting it right. i have to say he's so happy now and so completely nuts about me again ( trouble was I never noticed he wasn't at the time- which scares me)I can honestly say the unhappiest time in his life was when he was having the affair!!!!!!He was not himself, he was tormented. Now he says he realises just how much he nearly lost for so little and he appreciates the samll things about family life (eg curling up together on the sofa) so much more.
Disbelief - I;d say it took a good yaer from when I found out to stop the constant htinking about it, however that was prolongued by him not doing the right thing staright away so I was in limbo for afew months. I still get the odd day when I replay the video in my haed, or something reminds me of an incident etc but I don't feel the need to analyseit so much now. i suppose I've made some sort of peace with what happened. I think you will keep thinking about it until it does make some sense and you make some peace with ti- don't shy away from that- I think it's a necessary and healthy process ( hiding from it is not). The difficuAlt bit is convincing him that it is not a sign of never being able to recover it is in fact a sign of healing.

Typical i missed you all. Not doing well at all. As i've been out and about i've just wanted to stop and cry, really struggling to fight back the tears. Feeling so down and miserable. Bri is working all the hours God sends coz he not guaranteed of any work from one week to the next so have to take it when it offered. He's doing a few sleep ins and a couple of 24 hour shifts. Just feel like we've spent no time togehter at all, but like i said to him this mrning that's the price you now have to pay. But this is so hard, I feel like everything has been stripped away. My days have nothing now except looking after the children and the house. This is not how it was supposed to be. I have no purpose, nothing to prep for, no responsibilities, i should be happy but i'm not. Sitting here crying as i type it. I am so pathetic

Come on Kath you are not pathetic.You will get through this.I am thinking of you and sending you hugs.Sorry not there a little while ago.You are going through a very difficult time and am not suprised you fall apart from time to time.Isn't it difficult to love someone and try and make it work when they are the cause for all the pain in the first place.Sod the money get him home if you can for a cuddle.You being there for one another is so much more than the money.

must of missed you sorry

Its gone quiet on here does that must mean everyone is feeling ok at the moment?

Last night I could not help myself but I kept coming out with catty remarks, my dh thought I was looking for an argument and so went to bed but what I wanted was some reassurance sometimes it bugs me that for him its all in the past never to be brougt up agian!

Haven't been on for a while as I've had PC problems.

I do the same with the catty comments. I'm slowly getting better at not bringing it up all the time.

It is really hard but with time I'm feeling stronger and life even feels like normal.

So, give it some time and maybe explain to your dh why you need to bring it up.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Haven't been on for a while as I've had PC problems.

I do the same with the catty comments. I'm slowly getting better at not bringing it up all the time.

It is really hard but with time I'm feeling stronger and life even feels like normal.

So, give it some time and maybe explain to your dh why you need to bring it up.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Think this thread is quietly dying. Hope that is because everyone is ok. Tbh have had some humdinger days recently but suppose we have to take the good with the bad.

We start counselling tomorrow, not a clue what to expect but at least its a step in the right direction.

just got back yesterday - been away since Sunday

DH operation went better than expected...in fact as a bonus(!) he wasnt operated on til Tuesday so we had Monday night in a hotel & went out to dinner & had a few drinks in some bars - it was so nice and felt good.
I have still been able to tell him my fears and he doesnt get cross but reassures me so that makes things a little easier.
Work is still a big problem for me but again, he is trying to reassure me.

we have come to a compromise that I will stop questioning him everytime someone phones and he will try to be more open

finally cos of his op, hes off work for 2 weeks so we're going away today
cant wait to have a week away from phones and work & everyone - just our family

my counselling is helping tremendously as it is enabling me to deal with how people talk to me and make me able to open up more
although its only for me, I think it will help us as a couple too.

Maturer - sorry to hear you're feeling down - you have given me so much hope & advice but I guess it shows that its always going to be there in the background when they are away

Overdraft - my DH is the same - almost a little lovesick - constantly grabbing my hand when we're walkign along and patting my bum and just being affectionate. I did realise something was up cos for so long this year he has jsut withdrawn fdrom me. I was crying yest after argument with my mum and told him that I was fed up with everything. "You've got me" he said "yes but you went away (emotionally) and left me" I said. "well Im back now"
It helps but doesnt mean it didnt/doesnt hurt
Kath4kids - take care - dont make yourslef ill like I have with all the stress
Disbelief & deceived - I dont much fancy the fact it will take a year to stop thinking about it but there we are !!

take care you guys and will catch up when I get back
xxxx

Hi all, how's everyone today?
K4K sorry I haven't got back to you to chat it's been a bit hectic the last couple of days with dh away and all. Thinking about you today for your counselling- remember don't hold back be honest about your feelings. As others who have tried it say it can help you which in turn can help you as a couple.
MM glad to hear dh on the mend and that you're getting some quality time together. I truely believe the only way to move forward is to open up - even if it hurts to do so. Let your dh understand how you feel like you seem to be doing and he will open up in return i'm sure.No more secrets that's our mantra- and that includes being honest about your feelings even if it causes friction.
Decieved-even now i can still have a dig. It happens less and less but he knows he has to take it because he caused it. Then i feel awful for being so nasty and usually end up crying and out it all spills but in the end i feel we've moved on that tiny bit more because we've been open with our feelings. The thing I find now is anger! If i get angry (which I don't do often) about anything I end up tapping into the emotions and the pain of the anger over the affair. That's been my problem this week with him away, angry kind of because he's getting on with life and i stll feel i'm picking up the pieces. We.ve just had an "angry/cry session" where it all came tumbling out and he does understand an reassures me about us. So I now feel so much better and a little bit closer to him because I didn't bottle it up and was able to explain why my emotions made these conections. It's like an elctric current taking the shortest path in a circuit- well if i'm abgry zap- straight to the power surge of anger over what happened!
So guys kep at it- the rollercoaster ride slows down- honest!

Hello all. went to counselling yesterday and it was fine, just mostly background stuff really - whats happened, how we feel, where we want to be etc etc etc.

Slept all evening then couldn't go to sleep when i went to bed, just kept going over and over some of the things dh said. Tbh wish i was going back today for me on my own, but that will happen next Fri or the Fri after - have to decide who's going.

He's in work now till 9in the morning and back on at 5 tomorrow afternoon. Not a clue what i'm going to do all day, typical it's raining too.

Hope you all ok today

K4K- glad counselling went ok. You could go and see someone else just for you?
Try and find time to talk about the session with your dh. we found that our "self counselling" happened after the sessions when we did make time to talk. Then you feel you are working on the problems together and that is so healing- belive me.
you need to try and get busy honey- otherwise (i know) you dwell too much on the negative and it drags you down.
Hope everyone else is ok?

Hi

I wasn't able to persuade my dh that councelling would help but at the moment things are quite good. I think that maybe I need couselling just for me so that I can work through the issues that go round and round in my head. The one thing that worries me is that they will focus on things from my childhood and I'm one of those people that think that it should be left in the past. Nothing major happened but probably things I haven't dealt with.

This thread seems to be slower these days so hopefully that means we are all coping.

Will post when I can but I find I'm not very good at expressing myself when typing.

hi to you all

we have had our third relate session now and i think it is helping dh but not me.He is discovering things about himself more and more.I only saw a counciler about 3 years ago to help me prevent P.N.D so this is why i think.

She asked me to think about how DH has changed in my eyes now because i said he is not the same person to me anymore. I now know he has a wicked and decietful side to him that i never imagined he could have.This changes things for me.

It turns out that DH had the affair because basically he had only had one partner before us and had curious to see what it would be like with somebody else.It was just a thought and he wasn't looking for it.She came up and made a play for him the feelings he already had at the back of his mind were ignited as it were.Hence the fact that she is not a really attractive woman but still managed to seduce him.Sad I know.

This has dissapointed me too because she was not an attractive woman and he still shagged her.I wear make up, do my hair,wear nice clothes and make him laugh.Does it mean that if i had looked like a sack of spuds he still would of had sex with me?

Another thing that has come to light is that he had a great wife,supportive,affectinate,looked after him and he had all the sex we both wanted he had it all.The one thing i couldn't give him was to be someone else and he still took it.

Affairs are not so black and white are they. keep your husband happy at home and he won't stray is a load of rubbish.I have learn't alot.All this knowledge and it still makes me worry for our future.

He says it won't happen again and he has learnt alot about himself and i trust that he means what he says but i don't feel there is ever gonna be a time when i feel settled again.

Sorry for waffling i feel really low today.
Hope you guys are O.K today.

Overdraft, just to say that I was in your position not so long ago - h had affair, actually left me and the girls and set up home with his gf. He's been back at home for about 10 months now - so 16 months after finishing things with his gf - I made him live on his own for six months. Things do get better but it takes a long time. I'm getting happier and more settled every day but it can be v hard work. We had nearly a year of Relate which helped massively. Will pop in again as am writing my cover feature and am very easily distracted. H has taken the girls to London to go to the Natural History Museum.

Thank you so much Sykes x I would just love it all to go away.

I do understand but I promise you that it will get better and, for me, it's been worth it. Well, most of the time.