Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

sorry - link didnt work -0 I dont know how to do them

see "Relationships : do i need answers to get closure???? (57 messages)

MM so glad you found counselling a help today. So many people (especially men) seem to think it's a weakness to seek counselling but infact I think it's a strength. I tried to think that i recognised I was going through a life experience I simply wasn't equipped to deal with. It opened up a barage of different often conflicting emotions that I felt would drive me crazy. Counselling helped me order them, explore them and decide just what I wanted. It doesn't tell you what to do, it can't change the stupidity of your dh and how he may be acting but it can help you find strength and coping mechanisms for all sorts of issues. I just wish men would wake up to the need to seek help when they "get lost" (mine did eventually and came out of it a much more settled man) After all if your car or your computer goes wrong, most of us seek help from someone trained to deal with these things. Why do we have so much difficulty affording our emotions and minds the same sensible option?

Hi MrsMiggins, glad you are feeling better! I found that there came a point when suddenly I felt really empowered, and it was fantastic. I suddenly realised that actually I was the strong one, the one who chose to do the right thing, and was really calling the shots. That I was working things out because I chose to, not because I had to struggle along. So I hope that you are on the way to that space!

To everyone else, I hope that today was a better day for you. I'm in a bit of a weird place at the moment, but it's amazing what you can cope with when you are centred. I do believe that whatever happens I will be alright, and my children will be happy too, and I do believe that this is so for most people most of the time (I think it was this excess of chirpie optimism that drove my dh around the bend and into the arms of another woman!).

But all the same. We are strong and we will be OK. I have told loads of people, in fact probably everyone except my parents (much too complicated). I'm sure that they think I'm nuts, but I have been given tons of support - and the only person who should feel ashamed is your dh - none of us have anything to be ashamed of! I do believe that relationships take two to sustain, and that we all play some part in break downs, through communication failures or whatever, but our dh's choose to have their affairs and on that front really deserve no quarter. However much we might love them and forgive them, as for my sins I do.

maturer you are so right. I just wish I could get dh to see things that way. He seems to be always seeking the answer that's around the corner, never the one from inside. But then I've always enjoyed phsychobabble, and I found the opportunity to just sit and talk about myself to someone who didn't interrupt with a wish to "fix" me was a great luxury.

Nooka, I know you are going through quite a lot at the moment - well done girl for getting it together so well!
I found counselling didn't take the pain away but it kind of helped me through the fog of emotions and I too realised I was strong and I had nothing to be ashamed about (which is more than I can say for all the other involved parties!)I'd been honest and open all the way through and in the end I suppose I got what I wanted. ok i still get bad days where it doesn't seem so clear but on the whole I now feel quite together!
I like you told lots of people- I do believe in the goodness in most people - I am lucky to have many old and good friends who knew us both and after I'd picked them up from the floor in shock at my saying my dh had had an affair- they were so supportive and not judgmental. I also involved my dh family because i knew htey could cope with it and I needed some practical help. I didn't tell nor do I think I will ever tell my family-I don't think we could have come back from them knowing what my dh had done (to their baby girl- as they would have seen it!) anyway at the time my mam was not well at all so I feared it would finisj her off. In some ways I felt sad not being able to turn to my mam but it was for the best in the long run.

Thanks Maturer - I do believe that it will all work out in the wash (well for me anyway - one day!). People are shocked, but it also helps them to put your behaviour into context, and hey if there is support out there then we should take it! If we can't ask for help at this point, then when will we ever (my counsellor and I discovered that I was very bad at asking for help!). I didn't tell my parents because it would just be too complicated. My mother has never liked dh, and she would tell the world and his wife, so it would be difficult to move on. dh didn't like me telling people, and has only just (almost two years later) told his sister. I just think trying to contain everything is really bad for you - oh and I get a really bad psychosomatic (sp) stress reaction sometimes which can last for months.

Nooka isn't it funny how the mind plays tricks on the body? the stress thing comes out in strange ways- poor Mrsmiggins I think is experiencing that now, probably because after the initial shock to the system the body shouts out for you to take cre of yourself!
I found tlaking to people whom I knew helped me so much. My dh , like your hated me doing so but also recognised he had NO right to stop me or even try and influence me. The thing with the me is that hteir guilt apperas in strabge ways- the not want ing to talk, move on , don't look back- without even realising it they are rtying to protect themseleves from the starck reality that they are not as nice a person as they thought they were!
My dh did finally start talking to some people- it's amazing how common affairs are- most people had some story to tell, them or a friend etc
Do we set ourselves an impossible task in todays society- fedelity? I really wonde. My dh is not a bad man. he never ib the20 years or so we were together before this gave me any cause for concern. he himself says he was very happy in his marriage and yet aginst all odds he strayed- are we all destined to experience such temptation? I just can't imagine being intimate with another man and not feeling guilty to the point that it would stop me! perhaps I should count myself lucky not to have been tested? it scares me though, how fragile the fabric of our daily lives are. )heavy stauff- I must get to bed!

too many typos- definately need bed! nite all.

Hi girls
Maturer & Nooka - so many things you have both said are similar to me.

Doctor given me 2 lots of pills for some gastro intestinal thingy and some horrible mouth wash for my mouth ulcers - both caused by stress and not eating properly. He then proceeded to tell me off (in a nice way but I couldnt help think "you're talking to the wrong person!") He said I needed to start communicating with DH otherwise my health & the kids would suffer.

Anbyway DH seems to be taking more notice now I have a physical aliment.

Nooka - my counsellor and I too have discovered that I am very bad at asking for help. So we are going to work on my self-esteem first and then when Im stronger we can work on DH &I. Having said that, yesterday's counselling defintely empowered me and enabled me to talk to DH about things.

I told him it hurt me when he did things like ask HER to piuck him up from the garage - it may only be a small thing to him but the least contact the better I feel. I also told him I didnt want him going out for a drink or meal if it was just the 2 of them staying away. Whether he'll stick to that I dont know but at least I told him how i was feeling.

Then I found out that SHE is staying in the same town tonight & tomorrow night just like him. He mumbled a few things at me and then I suddenly stood up & said "I dont think I am going to be able to get over this with her staying in the same hotel as you week in week out - its too much for me to have to deal with"....and walked out the room. He came after me and hugged me but nothing else. He then spent the rest of the evening trying to cuddle me & hold my hand.
Then this morning, he cmae out the house with the Relate "After the Affair" book AND the letter I wrote him 2 weeks ago

that is the first sign he has shown of making an effort. I actually told him last night I didnt think I could deal with the affair and instead of running away, he's making more effort. Maybve he reallyt does want to make it work and realises that his way of pretending it didnt happen is not going to work even though it would be easier for him....

just wish my stomach didnt hurt so much
going back to bed

hi all
Can i ask you how you get over the pride thing?

DH had an affair with a woman that so wanted to be me.Maybe i sound shallow ( i know men are visual creaatures though).She is a woman that is not as attractive as me or as much fun,I belive not as sexy as me.If me and her were to go into a bar i know which one of us would pull the fellas.

Dh has said to relate that sex was not great with this woman? we have fantastic sex (I have never been afraid in the bedroom,if you know what i mean).So why keep doing it?

I just can't get over the fact that he would need to have sex with her when he had me at home.
I still feel very angry and this consumes alot of my thinking.And that my dh was turned on by this woman makes me feel sick.

I think what people belive is 'if she kept him satisfied at home he wouldn't of wondered'.
It really gets to me.

What are your thoughts?
Would i of felt better if this woman had more to offer than me and held my hands up and said well i can see why?

he says we have fantastic sex by the way.I am not that modest

Hi Overdraft, don't know if I'm going to be much help as it's still quite raw for me too.

I've seen a couple of pictures of the woman my husband had the affair with and like you I'm surprised at how ordinary she looks. I wouldn't even call her attractive but obviously my dh saw something I can't.

For my dh it was more the attention and affection he was getting from her.

I cant help Overdraft - maybe if she'd been stunning etc it might have made it easier but there again, you might constantly think you could never look that good.

I dont even know what SHE looks like and to be honest, I think perhaps Im better off not knowing.

Like deceived, my DH got fun & attention that he wasnt getting at home.

I have done 3 positive things this morning - booked to have my hair coloured tomorrow, bought & fitted new window locks for the house (we didnt have any downstairs & I felt a little nervous every time DH away) and am about to do some gardening but still feeling sick.

hi decieved

because my dad had an affair i am really aware of the attention thing.I gave him attention and thought i made him feel special too.As with affection i was the one that craved it.

The fact that this was all mixed in with family life is another matter.this is real life though
The only thing that this other woman had over me is she did 't have my 3 kids in the back of her car or ask him to cut the grass or bath the kids.How on earth can i compete with that.I can't.

So in 5 years time when he is getting everything he needs at home and is feeling overwhelmed.Instead of spending time with me as a couple ( which he wasn't interested in doing) he will go and sleep with someone elses wife and cheer her up.
I am Knackered thinking about this all the time and it has been a god send talking to you all.Thanks Decieved

how are you today?

MrsMiggins you are sounding so much more positive over the last couple of days.

Enjoy your gardening.

Overdraft

Not too bad today. Like you it is occupying too much of my thoughts. What I would really love is to get into his mind and now what he is really thinking but that's not going to happen so I have to trust what he says.

I think I will always worry that he will do the same thing again if we go through a rough patch again.

The problem is I love him so much and that is why I'm still here as I think he's worth it.

Difficult isn't it.

Mrs Miggins enjoy your gardening but try not to over do it and take care x

I tell you what I find hard sometimes is the sex. I still fancy DH and want to have sex but then I have this nagging doubt that hes comparing us (she is a little younger with no kids & so no stretch marks)
This is also another reason why I will probably try to avoid seeing her so I dont actually have a visual.

I sound positive becasue I am going to try to pull myself out of this hole Im in. I was doing so well with my PND and then I found out about the affair which brought me crashing down again.

I sat next to DH last night thinking about them staying in the same town and it made my stomach hurt more - I am not going to make myself ill. this week has been a wake-up call - my body & mind are finally saying enough.

So I am going to have my hair done, sort out the house & garden and am then going to ring up our local college & enrol in an evening class - I have told DH I will get a babysitter or my mum if he cant be home - fed up waiting every Monday to know which nights hes home & THEN plan my evenings.
And you know what?
Im even going to do Indian cooking even though DH hates curries!!!
tough luck!

he doesnt care how I feel knowing hes away tonight with HER so I will do the class I want to do.....

easy to sound positive - still feel incredibly let down byt the person I loved more than anyone else in the world (except my kids of course) still feel like my world has fallen apart....
I read that thread to do with "who has a good marriage" and thought that was me a year ago - how did I lose that?

I read that thread too but couldn't help thinking how many of their partners might be having affairs, sad isn't it. 4 months ago I would have posted on that thread saying how happy I was with my dh.

yes that is true - I probalby would have said happy but stressful marriage owing to 2 young children & DH away a lot.

Im trying to keep busy to occupy my mind.
This morning I looked in his overnight bag to see what evening clothes he was taking and now I find hes changed one of his email accounts cos it was forwarding his work emails so he isnt doing that anymore...now I find myself wondering if hes set himself up another account - which is sad as we've always shared email accoutns & bank accounts etc - no secrets

oh well - I suppose thats the nature of affairs isnt it

must turn this compueter off otherwise I will bve on it all afternoon

be back again tonight when kids in bed if you are around

take care
xx

Hi all how you doing?
I HAD to know what she looked like- bit of a shock really- she looked like me! (only slightly younger and had no kids!!)There was even the bazzar time when I met her and some one walking past asked if we were sisters! Freaked me out a bit I can tell you. My dh said - well your my type!
thing is a people we were totally different and it turns out at the time in his life it was her insecurity that made him feel needed (he needed to be needed and i was too together for him at that moment- if that makes any sense?- soon put pay to that when I found out he'd had an affair.)

I keep wanting to ring her and shout "B#tch" down the phone which wont help but would momentarily make me feel better.

I know it takes 2 to have an affair & 2 to make/break a marriage BUT how can a woman do that knowing there are little children involved? I jsut know I would walk away knowing there were kids cos its never going to be a fairytale ending.

As you can tell, not doing so well although DH sounds upbeat.
hes away tonight in same town as her (not same hotel) adn tomorrow night too.
he rang earlier - his meeting had finished early in london so he was going to be back at the hotel earlier than planned

I burst into tears on the phone telling him he keeps changing his story - which is just how meetings go but cos of the affair I just think he's arranging to see her.
Told him again Im not sure I can carry on....and Im not. I feel dreadful - either some stomach bug or worse - dr has mentioned endorscapy (cant spell) and have ebeen snapping at the children - which is not their fault.

kids to bed - back later if anyones around....

Oh Mrs M (((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))

wish I could help, you take care

Oh MM
You can't go on like this he really has got to stop contact with her.Can't he get another job ?
I would not be happy with at all tbh .Hugs to you I will see how you are doing later xxxx

just put DS to bed who was saying his name and then listed DD, me & DH and said "we're a family"

DH wont leave his job as he thinks theres no reason. All over & he is professional enough to work with her & she is "happy hes making a go of his marriage"

However I just dont know that I can spend every week feeling like this. Weekends are fine as we're together & getting on well BUT week days when hes at work are just torture.

off to cook tea & phone DH
back later