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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affairs: Can you really get over one

424 replies

Disbelief · 01/09/2005 20:49

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

OP posts:
kath4kids · 09/10/2005 13:34

right come on overdraft. My turn, you can do this. I know you want this to work and no its not easy its flipping hard and painful, but you have so much going on at the moment too. I think with the counselling thing it always gets harder because of the things that it drags up that have been buried for so long.

Had this not have happened you wouldnt have known that he wanted to see what it was like with some one else, it would have remained buried, but no more secrets means your going to hear things that maybe you don't want too, but keep with it it will be worth it if you can work through it even though it hurts like hell.

huggs to you

Trix1 · 09/10/2005 17:21

Hi everyone, I am having a c**p day today I have got it in my head that he is thinking about what might have been if he stayed with her. Did he just come back for the child he says not but who knows. Now that things seem to have settled down a lot I cant help but think that things are on the surface back to 'normal'. Wasn't this the reason why he went and had his fling?

Sorry if I am not making sense but everyday normal life is not full of excitement and fun!

maturer · 09/10/2005 17:50

Trix1 hello- how long has it been since you founsd out. As you see from this thread there are a few of us about all at different stages "after the affair" all trying to help each other along with our experiences. I understand what you are saying about being scared of "normal life" . I feel that too sometimes because when I found out it was totally out of the blue. we had been great, alittle distant with work committments buut not enough to cause what happened. we hadn't fought or got sick of each other, we still had great sex and things were noemal- so i thought. what scares me is I didn't notice- but i know that is because i trusted- never had reason not to in 20 years together- and he took advantage of that trust so got away with far more before it all came out. So yes "normal" worries me a little as it was then he went off and had an affair. However things are very different now- we got to the bottom of it through counselling. It wasn't really about us- it was him- he "got lost" for a while and really lost his focus on everything (he was being made redundant at the time etc).
He's now well and truely back with me and (like mrsmiggins i think described) is very lovey and touching me all the time. It used to be like that and without noticing it slipped away. Now he can't believe he nearly lost it all and whilst I still have doubts and days of insecurity I know we will be fine now.
Keep working at it guys time honesty and talking heals- but it's a painful process.

Trix1 · 09/10/2005 18:42

Thank you Maturer, This only happened this Summer it all started and was over between them in four weeks, he has been home for 8-9 weeks but it has been the most horrendous time - I know that this might sound really shallow but I have never felt pain like it. It still hurts now and sounds quite similar to what you said about your husband getting lost, he was at his lowest point then - gott go dh home

kath4kids · 09/10/2005 21:02

Trix there is nothing really shallow about feeling the pain that you are feeling. It is normal. There is nothing like the hurt of betrayl, especially when you thought everything was ok. I think men are very good at compartmentalising their lives and don't think about us when they are with the other women, it's about the excitment, the thrill that they get. I know someone who went off had an affair 21 months ago left dw with 3 kids life was great no responsibility and now the other woman is pregnant and he wont even talk about it to anyone. So i guess the honey moon is over.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that they are trying to get away from the normal, mundane life that they have but what they get soon changes into the very thing that they left.

Oh flipping heck i'm making no sense so just ignore me. Can you get him to talk to you to reassure you. Have you thought about counselling, if you look at those who have got through this then most have had counselling if not together then for themselves.

Please look after yourself, physically and mentally and keep posting here it really does help. Maturer is great and just has a way of saying things that the rest of us dont

Trix1 · 09/10/2005 21:08

Thanks Kath, you do make sense I even thought those things when I knew he was with her ' well lets see how he gets on being settled with her and playing step dad to her child'

We went to councelling together and it did help a lot, we spent a lot of time going over how bad/boring/mundane our relationship had got and why he strayed but not much talk on the fact that he did and the pain it caused and how you move on from it.

he is not very good at reassuring me he does the right things in practical way but is not that affectionate he says he was never that type of person and he struggles to say all the right things he would prefer it if it was left in the past and never mentioned again.

kath4kids · 09/10/2005 22:02

sounds like by leaving it in the past he's just hiding whats going on. That doesn't help you either does it. If you read the rest of the thread then you will see that for all of us there has been healing in being able to ask all the questions and get the answers that we need otherwise it's like having a jigsaw with some of the pieces missing.

Trix1 · 09/10/2005 22:16

I have asked loads and loads of questions and have got a lot of answers but there is some things that I have doubts about my friend said I jsut have to accept taht I am never going to know everything that went on 100% I know that too. Im at the stage where I know what I am going to know so have to get through the next stage of obsessing about it.

How are you coping Kath? I suppose its the good days and bad.

kath4kids · 10/10/2005 12:15

Correct Trix its taking the good with the bad, and if you look back on this thread and go to archieved dh having an affair you will see that most of it has been pretty dire. Yes there are some things that we never are going to know.

Others have said that suddenly you get to the middle of the day and haven't thought about it (no that that has happened mind you yet) but hey its relatively early days here too. (about the middle of june i think) If we moved on and didnt obsess about it i dont't think that would be healthy a bit like burying your head in the sand.

So keep your chin up your doing great.

maturer · 10/10/2005 12:46

Trix1- the common thread is every dh would prefer not to mention it ever again and every dw has to keep playing the tape over and over so there#s nothing wrong with you. Infact you are the healthy one- they trying to bury their heads in the sand (as K4K said) are heading for trouble because emotionally they too have to make some peace with what they did. If you think about it your dh doesn't want to talk about it probably because he's ashamed and scared of the person he became for awhile- it's hard to look at your actions and realise really you were a "selfish, lying, deceiptful B" because if they tols their tale to anyone not involved I'm sure they'd agree. However you need to keep going over it, at least at times and if he really wants to put it right he's gonna have to learn to live with that. In time you will think about it less and ask less questions but that does not happen over night- it's down to this no more secrets thing. You need to know because your world fell apart and this was caused by something you had no say in and it was all a big secret. To have any chance of understanding you need to know- so make him see that and you ask openly for the reassurances you need- you deserve them.

gravity · 10/10/2005 13:00

by golly me. they are all the same. many men one mould!
i was worried mine just had issues with telling me the 100% truth.
i know it doesn't make the situation correct, but it kind of makes it more acceptable or believable may be the better word.
hope your well trix, listen to maturer and everone they really help x

maturer · 10/10/2005 13:05

gravity- the more I hear about other people's experiences and the similarities with what my dh did the more I laugh in exasperation. I even said to my dh the other day after reading ine of these postings- "where is it? The manual that you all get to tell you how to cheat on your wife and behave like a D* Head after wards?"!!!!!!!

gravity · 10/10/2005 13:17

DITTO! must try and burn that little manual before my ds comes of age! i agree, must laugh or will spend and eternity crying! MEN!!!!

overdraft · 10/10/2005 17:58

Havin a up and down day to day.Removal men came to put a lot of our stuff in storage.I have felt really positive today.Then when i got home her husband has thrown a load of empty cider cans in my garden.My imagination has run wild.I am so bloody stressed can't belive he is doing this to me now

maturer · 10/10/2005 19:44

OD don't let another man take away your positiveness- no you don't need this- but men as we all know are kids really. Pick up the cans, put them in the bin get on with what you're doing. Don't stoop to his level by throwing them back etc it's not worth it! You are doing great honey by the way- this must be a hard time for you. However soon you'll be away from there and cantruely start afresh. keep a hold of that future vision not the pain of now.

overdraft · 10/10/2005 20:36

Well i am so proud of myself I think

When she got home i asked her if I could have a word.I asked her if her dh was responsible for the beer cans and if so why did he do it.She said yes and that he isn't coping very well with the whole thing.He saw my dh today and flipped ,went mad and started drinking.He threw them over because he was angry at my dh.

I said that i thought i had it the worst here.I am on my own with 3 children,lost my home and he still has all that he had.We will be moving soon so that we can all move on and get on with our lives.I also said that I have to deal with her walking past my house 3 times a day too.So i don't want beer cans thrown in my garden again it is not fair.

She burst into tears and told me they are not happy.She said sorry again and wished me well and she said i mean that.
What do you think.I feel really empowered and much calmer now

Trix1 · 10/10/2005 20:51

Result - good for you overdraft. You did really well.

overdraft · 10/10/2005 20:57

Thanks trix1
how are you doing today?

Trix1 · 10/10/2005 20:59

Quite good today thanks, are you feeling much better this evening?

When are you moving?

overdraft · 10/10/2005 21:03

yes i feel really calm.We will be out of here in 12 days time.I won't have to see them again I hope and then perhaps I might even stop thinking about it so much.I feel positive again I think.

glad you are well today too.It feels like one step forward and two back sometimes dosn't it?

deceived · 11/10/2005 12:00

How is everyone doing today. Haven't heard from MrsMiggins in a while so hope she is ok.

Trix1 you sound very similar to me. I found out in July and he only slept with her one night but had been communicating for a month. It only stopped because I found out.

The pain can be hard sometimes and I said to my dh on the day I found out that it was worse than him dying.

kath4kids · 11/10/2005 12:14

well done overdraft, you have a right to feel empowered. 11 days and counting

maturer · 12/10/2005 11:03

OD- fantastic, well done! You have shown yourself to be the strongest one of them all. Good luck with the move- new srtart and all that.

kath4kids · 12/10/2005 17:43

Well he didn't get the job.

overdraft · 12/10/2005 20:14

what a shame Kath.Really sorry.There must be better around the corner