This is long. Sorry.
7 years ago my DH started an affair with someone and I knew within days that he was up to something.
He had an evening job in a nightclub as a bouncer. We needed the money and the pay was really good. Within weeks of him starting this job he changed. He became obsessed with his appearance etc.
The job gave him a new life. He wasn't just a Dad and Husband anymore. He was someone who people looked up to and was respected by all the "club goers" and by his employers.
Then SHE came into his life. I understand the reasons why SHE became the one. Lots had happened in our life and he connected with her.
I followed him one night and watched him whilst he was working. I saw them leave the club together and followed them to her home. I sat outside her house knowing my DH was inside. I couldnt bring myself to go and face the music so I drove home and waited for him to arrive.
Still I did nothing.
He would be late home from work but always had an excuse as to why he was so late. He would leave home earlier and earlier every morning just so he could pop in and say "hello" to her before he went to his day job.
He would disappear on Sunday afternoons and be gone for 3-4 hours. I would joke with him and say "I hope the other woman was well". All of the time he would tell me "I was mad" and that "I was the only woman for him".
Finally things came to a head. Our relationship was falling apart. I knew what he was doing but couldnt pull my head out of the sand. I was scared that if I faced him, with what I knew, that would be the end of us. I just knew how sad I would be without him in my life. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my childrens father.
SHE wanted more and he wouldn't give it to her. He told her he had a family and that he loved me. SHE didn't like that so she took an overdose and cut her wrists.
I will never forget the call I received from the hospital. SHE told the hospital that my DH was her partner and that they needed to contact him.SHE told the nursing staff that I was DH's sister and that if I answered the phone it would be OK to tell me what had happened.SHE gave them our home telephone number and I took the call.
DH was in the shower getting ready to go to work and my world was falling apart.
I walked calmly into the bathroom and told DH that he needed to go to the hospital urgently. That SHE needed him. He looked so shocked and cried like a baby. All the time I just felt so relieved that finally this was all over.
We both went to see her in the hospital. I was really calm and held it together.Three days later I even collected her from the hopspital and took her home. I knew that if I became a "friend" to her then she would open up and SHE did.
SHE told me everything. How it all started, how she had wanted the things I had in my life, the nice house, the nice car, the nice loving husband etc etc.
SHE knew it was all over between them and even admitted that for the last few months SHE had been trying to blackmail my DH into seeing her.
SHE told me she was even trying to get pregnant by him so she could trap him.
His affair lasted three and a half years and three and a half years later we still have our moments.
He would phone me constantly to let me know where he was. He even stopped and wound the window down in his car once and asked a passer by to tell me where he was because he was stuck in traffic. All these things he did to try and make me see that he could be trusted, but what he didn't realise was, he was suffocating me.
We went to Relate and had long and teary sessions.
It helped us both and cleared the way for our future together.
There are times when I get so mad and angry with him because I remember all the wonderful times we have had as a family and he could have so very easily thrown that all away.
A song comes on the radio and triggers memories of that period in our lives and I get angry with myself for letting it affect me the way it does.
DH has told me that it was the biggest mistake of is life and how he wishes he had told me after the very first time he had strayed. The time his affair went on is the one thing I can't understand. He tells me he was trapped by her. That he was scared that if he didn't see her she would tell me.
SHE even told me that once she stood next to me whilst I was in Boots. Whilst standing next to me, she was on the phone telling DH that if he didnt go to see her that night, after he had finished work, she would tell me there and then all about their sordid little meetings!
So to answer your question can you get over it and does the pain go away?
Yes you can get over it, but sometimes it hurts like hell and at these times your DH needs to be aware of the reason why you are hurting so much. You can't throw it in his face. You have to just tell him you need some space to think and sort the feelings you have out.
The counsellor from Relate told me "It hurts because you care", but you have to care enough to allow the hurt to run its course and then the pain is'nt so intense.