Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

it takes some time to read.I read the julia cole book to but i found this more helpful.

let me know what you think

Hi overdraft glad to see you are still around and working at it hope it's going ok- time talk etc!
MM the sex thing- I found the first time after I knew really emotional but i kind of forced myself by getting a little drunk because our sex life had always been so good and still was all the time his affair was going on and like you I didn't want it to become an issue it never had been. It's not just the sex it's more the intimacy that's so important and I feel a line of communication that was still very strong for us and I so wanted it to remain that way-so it was easier after the first time (still get images even now but as I said have learned to push them away)and our sex life is as good as ever. At sometimes I think it was even more charged than ever before - probably due to the raw emotions flying around and the complete closeness it gives you as a couple. I know there are all the thoughts of - he's done this with her etc butthat was just lust with you there is the history of lust/ sex/ committment and closeness.

overdraft - thank you so much
have just read the article & certainly made me think about things AND feel more positive
Part of my dilema at the mo is how to move things forward - we are just ignoring the affair and acting as if things are normal but obviously they arent, and we need to change things

not sure I can persuade DH to read it as he always does a very good impression of ostrich in sand BUT I may be able to start things off

thanks so much
xxxx

Maturer - you say it was just lust, but he must have had feelings for her too? I am guessing at 6 months but I dont know.
I definately find the emotional side more upsetting than the sex.

got my dh to read it and it made him see things much more clearly.Glad it helped though, keep talking together and on mumsnet xxxxxxx

Hi just read article too and it's very good. i could identifywith lots of the emotions described both as the betrayed and how my dh acted as the betrayer. I'd say to all of you at the early stages of this don't freak too much at the bits about chances of survival and how he should be acting. I say that because yes I can see all the remorse and honesty and dh going out of his way to tell me where he is etc but it wasn't like that at the start. he , like your dh- MM- did a bit of the ostritch thing didn't want to give me details or talk about ti, I like the article said had to have those details to make some sense of it. My dh eventually woke up a bit, got some counselling and started to understand a bit about himself and why it had happened because he and I both said we were happy in our marriage.
MM he will be thinking he loved her like you do in the first few months of a relationship- remember the headiness of your first few months? However it's no where near the type of love you have in a long term relationship, the new one is fuelled by lust but it can't be sustained (like it said in that article about reality hitting the affair relationship- only 10% go onto a meaningful relationship!) My dh thought he loved her too at the time, he even wrote poetry! but he says now how he was diluded by the newness of the relationship and that true, lasting love does not look the same.
Overdraft? What stage is your dh at? is he starting to think more about what he did and your pain?

he has been really good maturer
he is being as he was at the begiing of us,but very attentive and mature about the whole thing.I think it shocked him when i said i didn't want what we had anymore.He has realised just how selfish he has been and what a good loving wife he had and he risked it all for so little. The thing is like the article i have gone mad at him scratched his car ,scatched punched and kicked him all that is not in my nature and he has stayed calm and supportive throughout.I now have the husband i have always wanted and i know I still have a lot of pain ahead but i feel it has happened for a reason and we will be stronger.

Sounds like your heading in the right direction Overdraft- glad to hear it but it does take time.
I try to find a reason in it all too- that in the long run we are stronger and it made lots of our friends stop and think about their realtionships. Not that I'd recommend it to anyone but we are coming through it is possible.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for that article. Very interesting, and some bits are oh so true. Glad to hear that my dh wasn't the only one who wrote poetry! I think that I was the competent vs the weak woman (dh has always had this thing about "damsels in distress"). I think he would be happier if I had reacted badly, but to be honest I did most of the crying etc before I got the proof of the affair, so he just didn't get to see that (or not at a point when he cared). I would love him to show the person that he obviously learnt to be in his affair as he was very happy for most of the time, and he is great fun to be with when he is happy. I have noticed his sexual technique has improved - he said at the time it was because he was looking at lesbian web-sites, but I guess he learnt them from her! I cope with this now by thinking of her as an ex (we didn't have any of those before)

I must say I don't think that my workplace is a sexy place! When I was figuring out that dh was having an affair, I started trying to see if I wanted one too. Where are all the sexy guys I wondered (but then I met dh when I was 19, so I am majorly out of practice with flirting etc)

Actually there are some really interesting things to think about in that article, especially about the family stuff - dh originally claimed his mistress as a "mother replacement" (his mother died about 12 yrs ago) and I'd love him to read it. I think if I left it lying around he would get upset - what do you guy's think? I would love him to open up some more about how he feels, but whenever we do get talking it always ends up with him "counselling" me - I think he feels safer as the advisor rather than the confidant.

started reading a book which is kinda helping - makes you think anyway.
my biggest stumbling block (and the book mentions this) is that DH still works with her. HE says he can control it & be professional etc but the fact remains that they are still seeing each other daily.
Also he's staying away next week and Im so scared that she'll be going too. I am going to ring work to see if shes there - I need to do that as I just cant trust everything he says yet.

He wont leave his job and says he thinks she will, but how do I know that?

still very upset with my counsellor too - the one time I needed her, she didnt turn up - no explanation or even booking of another session. Find it very hard especially as we had been discussing trust issues and the fact I find it very hard to trust anyone at the moment.

on the plus side, DH still being affectionate/reassuring etc and at least I know I can trust my own feelings/instincts.

you all give me hope anyway

MM you must ask your dh if she is going to be there next week- it will drive you crazy not knowing. Even if she is the fact that you know and he knows you know will make a huge difference- no more secrets is what we promised each other and I firmly believe until you get to the point of open honest talking the healing can't begin. I understand you are still so unsure about raising the subject but honey he has to start putting something into reassuring you and that is more so because you know he has to work with her. He should be going out of his way to tell you eg. I was in a meeting with her today, we had coffee in a group etc I know it hurts too hear of any contact- like a dagger in the heart- but it is the secrecy that kills a relationship and you can ask him to tell you in a none confrontational way eg "I feel very insecure about us at the moment, I need to be reassured, you have to work with her but I need to know when and how much you see her at work" etc (otherwise you start filling in the gaps yourself).
Nooka- your situation sounds so much like mine- we met at about that age and neither of us had previous sexual partners. We'd been together for 21 years- 16 married when this happened and i did the same tried to think how other people deal with the thought of ex's (but it is different when they are still with you!)So glad you are making a go of it too. I felt a lot of pressure (not from those close to us) but from"society" to "kick him out" you're weak if you don't etc but I weighed up the many good years we'd had before this and still felt we could have if we got through this and decided to work at it and i don't regret that for a moment now- even though the pain is still there and I have bad days, time helps and talking. I would urge you to let your dh read the article he needs to share the pain! It does have a healing effect in the long run. Take care all.

Just read that article. So many truths in there. Will get dh to read it when he gets home.

The only bit that worries me is the bit where it says that they will see the other person at least a few times after the partner finds out so that there can be closure.

He assures me he hasn't seen her again so what am i supposed to think? maybe i worrying about nothing, but i think i would flip if I found out that he had

feel so fed up I dont know what to do.
DH away (abroad) for the night.
I know he's busy so said he should at least txt me if he couldnt call.
6.30pm (7.30pm his time) fed up with waiting so phoned his UK office. He answered!!
felt sick, then sheepishly realised phone was diverted. He wanted to know why I was ringing UK office.
I said he hadnt left hotel details, which he proceeded to give me.
rang later & all seems OK but Im just sick of it all.

I cant help but think that somehow he is hedging his bets with her.

I just dont know what to do.
I am so upset that thinking of seeing GP tom to get some time off work as I keep breaking down.

I feel this has set me back when Id started to feel better

I was feeling positive today but now just slipped into negativity & dont know what to do.

I have this urge to txt her & say look what you're doing - leave us alone - but its not going to help is it.

MrsMiggins, please don't feel that you are taking a step backwards by feeling dreadful some days. It's just how it goes at the beginning, and no judgement on you, or how well you are coping!

its just so hard
I seem to be worrying about his feelings - cant cry else he'll leave, cant moan or he'll leave, have to have sex or he'll leave.
just seems his life is better/back to normal and mine is crushed.

I was crying at my mums today & shouted at DS (who was tired) and DS started crying and said "I want my mummy back to normal"

I just want to run away with my children as I know Im all they want....DH not around during the week & spends all weekend buried in the newspaper even while bathing them

I just dont want HER moving in with DH and then seeing my kids every other weekend & playing happy families

It is really really horrible to feel untrusting, because it's so easy to feel that you are being a "nasty" person by checking up - or even feeling that you would like to check up on your dh. But this is absolutely normal. It will take a long time before you can relax - but you will eventually honestly!

I am so sorry that your counsellor let you down. Did you feel that you had built up a good rapour with her? Otherwise I would be tempted to think about changing, it's such an important relationship to get right.

My dh still regularly talks to his ex-mistress, as they are business partners, and it is hard to accept, but I didn't feel that I could require him to never contact her again. In fact she broke off the relationship with him when I found out, as she was also married (she has since split with her dh). He has had one business trip with her (arranged before I caught them) which I was not entirely happy with as you can imagine! but actually dh came back much changed, very apologetic, and she had definitely fallen off her pedestal, which was good.

So, whilst it may be painful to know that they may be together, I guess I am saying that it's not necessarily all bad.

Oh, the children stuff is so hard! Please try not to torture youself. Take one day at a time, and don't beat yourself up. It sounds like there is more to get right than just the aftermath of the affair - you could (if you wanted to be highly optimistic) think of it as an oportunity to fix more than just the infidelity issue.

One thing that helped me was to work out what I would do if I did decide to leave - the legal situation, financily how I could live etc. That helped me to feel that I was more in control, that I was making a positive decision to make things work, rather than being the victim of the affair.

Nooka - that helps to know your DH still sees ex-mistress. I feel that I am the only one whose way - seeing her every day cant be easy for him but its torturous for me.

he is trying - I asked him to ring me before he went to bed & hes just rung... what else can I ask for

still want to ring her & speak to her

Nooka - you're very kind replying
am going downstairs to watch House & take my mind off things

sleep well
xx

Enjoy House, and good luck with everything MrsMiggins - it's nice to be able to support you in any little way - I had so much support when things were going wrong for me, and it's nice to feel that I can reciprocate.

Hi maturer, nice to hear from you again! I didn't get any pressure from friends, although there were a few comments of "wow, you really love him", and the wider view is definitely on the kicking out side. But I felt why should I really? and I thought if anyone was going to walk out it should be dh.

We have both grown up a bit over the last year or so, and dh is getting closer to taking ownership of his life I think. I still worry that he does get very down, but this is also related to him screwing up our (now his) finances, and walking out of his job. I think I will leave that article in the printer, so that he comes across it during the day when I am at work. Not sure how he will react, but I'll give it a go!

it does feel like 1 step forward and 2 steps back sometimes. don't be down on yourself i think you are amazing and being really strong.Good night all of you xxxxxxxx

MM hope you have had a better day today. As others have said it is forwards and backwards and you are on a huge emotional rollercoaster.I understand you saying can't cry or he'll leave etc........... BUT if he has finished it and wants to be with you he has to accept you need to work through this and you must let your emotions out- they will eat away at you/ I think trying to get a little time off work is a good idea. I did exactly that my GP was understanding and the sicl note said "stress family circumstamces" you don't have to say what if you don't want to to work- I did tell them they were great and so supportive- but it depends on your work and relationship. You do need some space to "grieve" let the emotions out and try get some time with your dh so you can talk- it is not good to go on as if nothing has happened he would love to never talk about it again- if he's like my dh but he has to to try and understand why. it may even be nothing to do with your relationship ( remember that article overdraft posted? it talked about lots of happy marriages where partners had affairs) Do not blame yourself you have done nothing wrong and he has to start working at putting it right- if you can't express how you feel for fear he'll leave then he will eventually leave because you will be so unhappy. try to remember what brought you together, talk about it rememeber how much you have in your marriage- make hin realise. My dh eventually "wised up" and now says he cannot believe that he risked so much for so little- but it took time! Look after yourself physically and mentally. keep talking we are here.

no is the answer